Kickboxer's MAP

KickboxerKickboxer USASilver Member Posts: 1,120
I have come to a decision.  Many times when I post things on this forum it goes badly.  I realize that I have a life with my wife that most of the men here are seeking.  However, I still want help when I don't know what to do.  Even those of us in a good place need help.  I have decided to start a single thread to keep all of my concerns in one place.  Here are my previous threads of importance, by relevance:





I've read both books and have identified one red, frame. I can lose my temper easily when I'm frustrated and I continue to work on it. Through martial arts is one big way I practice keeping calm while the other is helping my oldest child with math homework.

So today's problem is martial arts. I'm a small guy and I believe over time that I do martial arts to build the confidence that I could handle myself in a fight. I have a blackbelt in a "sport karate". After a typical falling out at the dojo I switched to a local MMA gym where I took up kickboxing two years ago. Last year I fought a full contact match and got my ass TKO'ed in the first round. 

I signed up to fight again this year and the coach is really working to prepare me. So far all I've learned is how much I don't like pain and just how bad I am at fighting. I regret signing up to fight. Now that there is a hard sparring session at the gym every couple of weeks I don't think I need to go to a tournament to test myself and see how I really stack up. 

Tonight there is a hard sparring session and I'm not looking forward to it. Last night I couldn't go to sleep until midnight worrying about getting beat up tonight and I woke up at 4am. I believe anxiety is starting to get to me. 

This post is mostly me venting about the situation but any reasonable advice is welcome. 
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Comments

  • try_red_pilltry_red_pill Silver Member Posts: 713
    GTFO of the gym where you're practicing. Marital Arts should be something you find rewarding not stressful.

    Go try Aikido or Shorinji Kempo or anything where money and/or trophies are not part of it and it is being taught for the love of the art.
    Dharma, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference.
    Progress not perfection.

    AngelinepornwidowEasyGhost
  • KickboxerKickboxer USASilver Member Posts: 1,120
    I do agree the martial arts should be rewarding. My goal is to learn to really fight which rules out all the McDojos out there with their touch sparring. My problem is that I signed up for a tournament and now I feel pressure to train a lot harder than I want to. I do not want to be a prize fighter/entertainer but that is what it feels like I'm doing.

    So I'm considering dropping out of the tournament. I don't think I'm a competitive fighter and I don't think I want to train hard enough to become one. My wife always tells me I can't/shouldn't compare myself to the professionals at the gym. 
  • try_red_pilltry_red_pill Silver Member Posts: 713
    Kickboxer said:
    My goal is to learn to really fight which rules out all the McDojos out there with their touch sparring.
    You don't sound like you want to compete, so don't. It's your decision not your trainers.

    All martial arts training is artificial to some degree. Competitive MA focuses on 1 vs. 1 cage matches, which is different from being attacked by two guys with bottles.

    I would also hesitate before saying an Aikido black belt can't really fight. :-)
    Dharma, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference.
    Progress not perfection.

    Angeline
  • KickboxerKickboxer USASilver Member Posts: 1,120
    I hesitate before saying any martial artist can't fight. But I will note that most dojos don't train in a manner that really teaches self defense or fighting. Point sparring breeds arrogance that cannot face a true fight. I find only styles that depend on throws or holds like judo or jiu-jitsu naturally instill a sense of how you can hold your own. This is only true for gyms where you have to spar/train with people bigger than you. The striking arts that train that you stopped someone who has 100+ pounds on you because you touched their belly are kidding their students. 
  • KickboxerKickboxer USASilver Member Posts: 1,120
    Back on topic, the decision is mine. The fact that I don't want to fight just reminds me of how much I'm not an alpha male. 
    r9stoneCartB4Horse
  • KickboxerKickboxer USASilver Member Posts: 1,120
    I showed up to work with a black eye a month ago. I ended up explaining it to the site director.
    r9stone
  • KickboxerKickboxer USASilver Member Posts: 1,120
    So I skipped the hard sparring session and have decided to not compete in the tournament.  I will have to decide if I'm going to continue to practice kickboxing.  If I'm not going to do the sparring there is not any reason to train that way.  I think I'm about 20# underweight and would be better served if I started eating again and lifting weights.
    try_red_pillr9stoneBlueWolfFrank_London
  • BlueWolfBlueWolf The grasslandsSilver Member Posts: 606
    I´ve trained thaiboxing and loved it. Never competed but trained hard for a couple of years. ( And tried other martial arts after that. ) But it was to hard training for little gain. The gains wasnt´t visible enough either regarding the alphafactor. It was/is good for confidence to know how to fight and take a few punches without going down. But going to the gym and gaining muscles and bulk makes much more for me feeling alpha than the boxing did. You got to eat A LOT to gain muscles and bulk though, especially if your underweight.  

    "The male lion doesn't get pissy." Tennee        

    "In the middle of winter I at last discovered that there was in me an invincible summer."  A.Camus

    "Be the change you want!" Forum-wisdom

     

             

  • KickboxerKickboxer USASilver Member Posts: 1,120
    I relaxed a lot after deciding to not do the tournament. I'm disappointed in myself for signing up and not following through with it. So street this point I'm going to compete. I will decide afterward about my training. I'm still planning on bulking up instead of staying my current size. 
  • Frank_LondonFrank_London in transitSilver Member Posts: 1,853
    edited October 2014
    Kickboxer said:
    I relaxed a lot after deciding to not do the tournament.
    Thank God for that.

    Your anxiety and mental resistance against the tournament was a warning light. In my view that was your intuition telling you it was the wrong decision. The tournament was not for you. Not at this time, anyway.

    It could have gone very badly - and based on your descriptions of how fighting has been for you lately, that was on the cards.

    Tonight there is a hard sparring session and I'm not looking forward to it. Last night I couldn't go to sleep until midnight worrying about getting beat up tonight and I woke up at 4am. I believe anxiety is starting to get to me.
    Maybe it's time for you to give up the hard sparring sessions? Is the reward worth all the pain and anxiety?
  • KickboxerKickboxer USASilver Member Posts: 1,120
    edited October 2014
    I've definitely learned that it's time for me to make a big decision about martial arts. My choice is compounded by my son who takes jiu-jitsu at the same gym. They don't have a good option to help me bulk up so I would want to go to the YMCA instead.

    soonhoasonwhotke-damn phone!
    BlueWolf
  • KickboxerKickboxer USASilver Member Posts: 1,120
    edited October 2014
    Last night my coach told need that unless someone signs up to compete in the tournament at my age, weight, and skill level I shouldn't fight. At my age I have the option of dropping to 18-38 age range. Basically I don't perform well enough to make up the advantages of youth. :\    
    BlueWolf
  • KickboxerKickboxer USASilver Member Posts: 1,120
    MAP update:

    Nobody signed up to fight me.  So I'm out of the tournament.  It's a mixed blessing.

    My wife's dog had to be put to sleep.  I had to be the big bad man and make the decision.  

    My biggest red is frame.  My oldest is 11 and is a major pain to get her to complete her homework.  I'm getting better at maintaining my cool simply by helping her.

    We stayed home for Halloween instead of going to a friend's house (people we don't like that much) because I said it was the neighborhood holiday.  Wife was happy that I made the decision even though she had to endure a week of negative text messages over it.

    Called to get payoff information on my mortgage.  Discovered there was more in the escrow account than was owed on the principal.  Paid off the mortgage with just a phone call.

    Switched underwear to a looser fit of boxer/briefs.  My sex drive has been going down over the last year.  I initiate about once every 1.5 weeks.  I suspect low T.  I am due for a physical and will ask for a check at that time.

    Now that I don't have to fight I'm switching my diet from weight loss to muscle gain.  It's difficult for me to lift as I don't have any buddies to help me keep on track.  
    Angeline
  • fordsvtfordsvt Canada Eh!Silver Member Posts: 2,300
    Low T?  Hmmm did you get the level checked? Being in shape doing KB or MMA should bump the number. 

    Into Phase 3..

    Those Who Dare......Win.   "What gives you fear today...Gives you Strength tomorrow.."

    Moonstone
  • KickboxerKickboxer USASilver Member Posts: 1,120
    I've never gotten this checked. It will be a couple of weeks before I get to the doctor.
  • KickboxerKickboxer USASilver Member Posts: 1,120
    So a stupid thing has happened with my in-laws.  Let me try to give a quick back story without going on for pages:

    Ms. KB is the oldest of three girls.  When she graduated college her mother told her she had one month to move out and forced her to take the first job she was offered, a bank teller.  There is a lot of resentment about the job twenty years later.

    Middle Daughter married early in college (she was about 20) and thus never returned home.  

    Little Baby Daughter, LB, flunked out of college and moved back home at 19.  Her parents forced her to attend classes and she eventually finished college from home.  She never moved out again during college.  Her mother had to wake her up to go to class.  I generally refer to this child as "Little Bitch" because she is a little bitchy-brat who barely stands 5' tall.

    Today the KB family is doing well and are not dependent on the parents for any kind of financial support.  The middle daughter's family struggles with money but her husband is employed with something he loves, law enforcement.

    The LB eventually moved to a big city a couple of hours away from her parents.  She has had a few jobs but is currently unemployed.  She did meet a boy who would put up with her but he is not a good provider.  Basically her parents pay for her apartment in the big city.

    So her parents decided that the best thing they could do for the financial drain is to buy a condominium in the city and allow LB and her boy to live there.  This has caused much resentment among the other two daughters.  I decided to get on the bandwagon since no amount of "your hurting LB not helping her" discussions have shown the parents how destructive this is to their family.  So I send a Christmas gift suggestion for Ms. KB to them.  I recommended they buy a small SUV, $27000 USD.  They have told me it was a nice thought but Santa can't fit that in his bag.

    So my wife has asked me not to push this anymore and just let it go.  There are a lot of other incidents over the years that I have just let go.  Today LB is not allowed to stay out our house and must be in a hotel instead.  For the holidays her parents are driving to see us and will be here between Christmas and the New Year.  

    Is there something I should be doing to handle this better?  I haven't replied to their email asking for a different gift.  I doubt that doing this kind of discussion via email is proper or if it is even my place to chastise their choices.  Ms. KB has been made executor of their estate and she wants to do it.

    Currently I'm just putting up boundaries so they cannot do more than emotionally impact us with this idiocy.  This side of the family doesn't discuss things and just waits for it to blow over.  No apologies or promises to better in the future.  So if I do nothing they will likely take that as acceptance of their path.

    Thoughts?  Should I respond to the message?
  • MariaMaria EuropeCategory Moderator** Posts: 5,323
    I'd say suggest a realistically priced gift your wife would enjoy. 
    I understand how it's bugging you that the inlaws practically bought their youngest a flat, but it's their money. They can give any amount of it to whoever they choose. It's not fair, it's not the decent thing to do, but they don't owe their other adult daughters anything.

    Become as emotionally independent from them as possible. Get out of their frame.
    _____________________________________________________________________________
    If you want us to be unapologetically feminine, be unapologetically masculine.
    [Deleted User]fordsvtAngeline
  • Frank_LondonFrank_London in transitSilver Member Posts: 1,853
    edited November 2014
    Kickboxer said:
    MAP update:

    Nobody signed up to fight me.  So I'm out of the tournament.  It's a mixed blessing.
    Isn't this the tournament that you were really worried about? It wasn't a mixed blessing, it was more like a blessing, period.

    Kickboxer said:
    So I send a Christmas gift suggestion for Ms. KB to them.  I recommended they buy a small SUV, $27000 USD.  They have told me it was a nice thought but Santa can't fit that in his bag.

    So my wife has asked me not to push this anymore and just let it go.  There are a lot of other incidents over the years that I have just let go.  Today LB is not allowed to stay out our house and must be in a hotel instead.  For the holidays her parents are driving to see us and will be here between Christmas and the New Year.  

    Is there something I should be doing to handle this better?  I haven't replied to their email asking for a different gift.
    I would stay out of it.

    It's their money to do with as they please (the whole point of the "prodigal son" story in the bible is exactly designed to make that point: that parents have the right to do what they like with their money even if their children think it's unfair).

    Hell, they could even leave it to charity if they wanted to. What then?

    Now, I'm sure your wife doesn't feel that way, but your job is not to get emotionally invested in it, your job - to quote Athol - is to cheer the heroes and boo the villains. Agree with her that LB is a spoiled bitch.  Be her biggest supporter if she has any run-ins with the family. But while you can support her in private, do not buy into this in public.

    Don't be the White Knight on this issue.

    Your wife is executor of the will, so obviously they're not dumb. That's a big deal and it means that her parents trust her with money. They know who the responsible children are.
    If they want to help out the wayward youngest kid, that's their right.


    Angeline
  • KickboxerKickboxer USASilver Member Posts: 1,120
    Thanks @Maria and @Frank_London‌, I have decided to let it drop as far as discussion with them.  There are other irresponsible things that have happened that I built up boundaries to handle.  All of the walls are to deal with any way they adversely impact our immediate family.  Things like not going out on vacation until after noon because LB decided to sleep in.  I have read enough stories on this forum regarding these types of issues to see that the best way to lead on sour in-laws is to keep them at an appropriate distance.

    Thanks again for the sanity check.
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