Kickboxer's MAP

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  • KickboxerKickboxer USASilver Member Posts: 1,120

    MAP Outline

    Physicality and Health

    I’m trying to gain weight to a bulkier build.  I find that it’s working but any slacking on lifting or kickboxing just allows fat to be padded around my gut.  Bulking up does mean that I will not sign up to fight again as I won’t be able to cut to a reasonable weight class for my height and ‘slenderness’.  Otherwise I experience the old man stupid pains.  I went to the trampoline park for an end of the year party and felt lower back pain for about a week afterwards.  I don’t know if this means my core needs work.

    Money

    This is my biggest green, no pun intended.  Ms. KB is dying to go to England for her upcoming 2nd 39th birthday.  Right now there is no monetary reason not to go.  

    Displaying High Value

    I’m in shape and working out at home so she sees me when I’m “bulging”.  However I don’t think that does anything for her.  I did rule the room during a difficult discussion with the government schools over our oldest child who is in special education.  Nothing like calling out a psychologist giving out a diagnosis who has never actually met the patient.

    I have anger issues that re-surfaced yesterday.  The f*cking dog ate the exit to the sump pump drain and actually pulled the pipes apart inside the house.  This caused the water to be spilled down an interior wall in the room her parents are supposed to be staying in starting today.  I recall yelling things like, “Why did I get out of bed today!”.  I did disable the pump and got a plumber to come in a patch the line the same day.  The restoration crew is charging a small pile of gold to fix the damage.  Her parents are going to sleep in our recreation room instead.  But still my explosion of anger at the onset is a DLV.  I don’t like the dog and have been very frustrated in how she won’t discipline it and how if falls to me to make it better.  

    I need a new goal in life.  I hit a major financial milestone recently now need something to strive for.

    Building Relationship Comfort

    I’ve been working to determine my wife’s love language.  I tried gifts over Christmas and I don’t think that really did the trick.  I am moving on to Words of Affirmation.  That is a really hard one for me to pull off as it involves talking.

    Personality and Preferences 

    I need to look into this more.

    High-Energy Sex

    I don’t have a lot of interest in having sex with my wife.  While she is not fat or stinky she visibly makes no effort to be in shape or have a serious girl game.  Her gym membership goes to waste and she refuses to change her diet.  I believe I have lost some respect for her and it shows up in my lack of desire to have sex.  Again she is not seriously overweight and showers daily.  But after all the work I put in being in shape I would like it if she would put some effort into self improvement.   I know this comes down to making initiations but it’s just not there for me.  I don’t want to “fake it till I make it” on this one.  

    My monkeys are:

    Manage anger, figure out her love language, get a goal in life and to find the desire to be more sexual with her.



    Tennee
  • KickboxerKickboxer USASilver Member Posts: 1,120
    UPDATE:

    Anger Management

    A recent post on here talked about the proper when to show anger.  I actually used it last night.  We were sitting in the car with two of the kids eating dinner.  The oldest was inside a church practicing for a performance that started in ten minutes and the rest of us were having a quick dinner.  The seven year old couldn't get into her milk.  It had a twist off lid plus a foil seal.  The wife takes it and proceeds to be unable to so much as twist off the lid.  She complains and so I took it from her.  I set my sandwich down on my lap which is partially blocked by the steering wheel.  As I twist off the lid my sandwich fell onto the floor.  Enter anger. I remembered the advice that to show your livid you display that your angry but in control.  That worked well in this instance.

    Exercise

    I decided late last year to give up kickboxing/martial arts.  I didn't go to the tournament as I was basically told I had no chance the way I fight.  I was told I need to fight someone my own age.  (Those damn 20-somethings are so f*cking fast.)  I know that I never desired to be a professional fighter so it was really difficult to find motavation to keep training.  My son had been making noise about wanting to quit BJJ which he took at the same time and place as my training.  Couple this with my wife's refusal to return to her fighter fitness class which was also at the same time.  So I reached the conclusion that I would make a big change once my son had something else to do.  Cub Scouts came into the picture and so last week was my last martial arts class.  I will miss the over the top alpha males that I interacted with each class.  They helped a natural beta like me move towards being more manly.

    The plan now is to join something with a lot more activities for the whole family.  I also really plan to get on my wife's case about her exercise.  She walked the dog last week and then proceeded to complain about shin splints.  Internally as she is sitting next to me on the couch I'm thinking, "And I thought I was the big wuss over leg kicks."  So all of us are going to increase our activity in any way we can.  I will still lift at home.  I currently am limited to body weight type exercises like push-ups and pull-ups.  After this post I'm going to go give the Xbox Fit a try for cardio on a cold rainy day.
    BlueWolf
  • KickboxerKickboxer USASilver Member Posts: 1,120
    Update

    Exercise
    Joined the YMCA. We've been once and the kids like it. Played a not even half-assed game of racquetball with the wife and she complained how her entire right side hurt. So it has become a major goal to get her exercising. I tried a class at 5:30am and discovered it was the free aerobics class. Decent cardio but I'm looking to add muscle. 

    Anger

    Under control. I didn't throw a fit when I learned I have to pay an income tax penalty because this is the first year I'm filing with three kids instead of four. :(

    Sex

    I thought recently I was about to get a BJTC during shark week. I'm mindful of not pushing boundaries faster than she wants so I gave her plenty of warning. 

    I have disappointed her a little by reminding her that I'm into slutty girls. A tramp stamp and dressing provocatively would be great. The tattoo is not happening. However I want her to up her girl game. She wears jeans and t-shirts almost everyday. We get catalogs a lot and I point out things I like and call them feminine. I'm going to research on the forum for ways to suggest a wife up her girl game. I'm not asking her to look like a hooker on the street but never wearing something soft and form fitting is getting old. 
  • Tiger_LilyTiger_Lily Silver Member Posts: 772
    edited February 2015
    Would really tight jeans or yoga pants (esp. compression pants) and fitted t shirts with a deep U or V neck do, at least for starters?  It may help her psychologically if it's something functional enough to pretend that it's just normal everyday clothes for unloading the dishwasher, that just happens to be tight enough that you would enjoy the view as she bends down while doing it.

    If that would be a good compromise, can you order a couple of things for her out of those catalogs?  Assuming you know her size and body type.  Is there a female relative that can help with that?
  • KickboxerKickboxer USASilver Member Posts: 1,120
    @Tiger_Lily , we've discussed those clothes with none of the desired results. Her jeans are okay except they don't ride up between her cheeks in the back. She really likes her "nerd" t-shirts and you generally only get those in men's sizes. :( 
  • KickboxerKickboxer USASilver Member Posts: 1,120
    New development:

    Wife just had a minor crisis over her appearance. She said she had been wanting to dress better but has been feeling unattractive due to exercise issues. She quit our last gym because her knee hurt more and more from the fighter fitness class she took. Joining the YMCA this week and being really sore from racquetball hit her hard. She also claims to have put on a little weight, six pounds in the last six months. Suffice to say she's feeling really low about herself. 

    The knee injury has plagued her for years. I told her to get it looked at and she is supposedly calling the doctor's office now. So I think the MAP has worked today. She wants to be in shape because I'm in shape and to play with our kids. 

    It's all good news. :)
    Tiger_LilyAngeline
  • fordsvtfordsvt Canada Eh!Silver Member Posts: 2,300
    Keep encouraging her to hit the gym and get in shape. Has she ever tried Hot Yoga?  I'd avoid being a dress critic as it will bring her down. Suggest things to her don't demand it. She seems a little self conscious.  

    Into Phase 3..

    Those Who Dare......Win.   "What gives you fear today...Gives you Strength tomorrow.."

  • KickboxerKickboxer USASilver Member Posts: 1,120
    Leadership update:

    I hurt my groin lifting. This has stopped me from doing any heavy cardio. I lift early in the morning. So on no-lift days I walk the dogs. I'll start jogging when I feel better. 

    The wife sad the doctor about her knee pain. He said she had a weak interior quad muscle that allows her knee cap to move. He suggested some exercises and gave her some prescription ibuprofen. 

    So this morning at 5:20am I asked her if she wanted tho walk with me. To my surprise she said yes. Afterward she went straight back to bed. 

    It's progress.
    AngelineBlueWolf
  • KickboxerKickboxer USASilver Member Posts: 1,120
    Update

    I surmise that this looks bad only because things have seemed good to me so I didn't post anything about my marriage. Two big blowouts this weekend. 

    First, my son quit BJJ and took up with the Cub Scouts. The first camp out was this past weekend. It was in town at the USAF Base. So we didn't stay overnight. On Saturday I had determined that it was a unique experience and took a daughter with me. I had to add her to the packing I had already done for myself and my son. My wife decides she needs to help and proceeds to pack things we already have packed. So an argument  starts as I feel slighted that she acts like I can't get the kids ready for a trip. She didn't help with the son but know wants to help while we are starting to run a little late. This is after i had made breakfast for the family as I do every Saturday. It's not cold cereal and milk either. I'm really annoyed that I've been up working on things for hours and she just runs in at the end and trys to do things already done. 

    The next incident involves income taxes. On Saturday we got s letter saying my calculations were wrong and we owned more money. They also screwed up and state we hadn't paid anything by the deadline. So the bill looks large. I spend Sunday afternoon and determine they are right and we owe the extra money. She comes in hours later and proceeds to be upset that everyone at the IRS is an idiot and is in a panic that we will have to pay twice. This escalates as she obviously doesn't think I am handling it right and starts into me with the "I'm just a stupid woman argument" with me. I had to threaten her with doing her own taxes for her to come talk to me. During this I am shaking mad and had my hands in front of me like I wanted to strangle her. She said I wanted to hurt her. I immediately see this is a valid interpretation of my body language. So I crossed my arms and asked her if she really thought I was going to hurt her. She said no but I no longer believe her. I've done martial arts for a long time up to full contact matches. 

    The conversation did calm down and branched into what I hoped are the real problems. I told her It's not cool to come in at the end of something and try to redo it. She feels like an un- accomplished little housewife. I asked her if she wanted to get a job and she said no that she loves being able to do kid things without a set work schedule.  Everything seems calm. She cried a lot and leaned into my shoulder but it took me a long time to hold her. I had just been accused of wanting to hurt her. 

    Late that not she gets Facebook messages from friends really concerned about the camp out. We had been to the armory and the explosive ordinance disposal team.There were pictures of the kids holding guns including an M4, a heavy machine gun, and a rocket launcher. She then asked me if the weapons were unloaded. I told her it was a little insulting that she thought I would give the kids a loaded weapon. 

    That was later night and I haven't said a word to her since. She obviously doesn't trust me. I'm not sure yet how to rebuild that
    BlueWolf
  • KickboxerKickboxer USASilver Member Posts: 1,120
    Continued:

    I'm mad right now and I don't want to rebuild. I'm going to cool off first. 
  • try_red_pilltry_red_pill Silver Member Posts: 713

    Sounds a lot like the interactions I used to have with my DW.

    In my case I am working on not staying angry after these kind of arguments. Logically I can see that they are caused more by her anxiety than a genuine desire to attack me.

    Sometimes they still blindside me but if I can realized that this is anxiety driven before I react I can switch my response to humour/A&A to prevent any escalation.

    Dharma, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference.
    Progress not perfection.

  • John3John3 SeattleSilver Member Posts: 1,396

    @Kickboxer, it sounds like your wife is looking for a lot of reassurance.  Like the weapons thing.  Instead of taking it personally, tell her you triple checked everything first, because you had the same concern (send the message, we are alike, and I got it handled). Stop communicating that you think she's stupid for challenging you on these things.  Contempt doesn't build a good marriage...likely makes her feel like she has to walk on eggshells with you.  Anger management is a huge, huge red.  It takes time but you can master it. Another example, ask her to double check your packing.  It sounds like you are seeing her as an adversary...she isn't.  She's your partner. 

    Your wife's shin splints and knee problems are likely a foot issue: take a look at http://www.examiner.com/article/pronation-and-supination-what-it-is-how-to-tell-and-what-you-can-do-videos .  I pronate...without orthotics, a single 3 mile run creates tremendous pain in my shins, then hips and then knees. Makes it really, really hard to get any sort of exercise program going.  Look at one of her well worn pairs of shoes.  If the heel isn't worn evenly, you'll have your answer.  Or watch her walk (there are videos in you tube on recognize over-pronation/supination.  You can buy pre-formed orthotics (e.g. Superfeet) for under $50.  Or you can get a prescription if your health plan covers that sort of thing.  They make a world of difference.  I did the whole exercise thing for several months...didn't make much difference.  Getting orthotics fitted fixed the pain...which allowed me to work out, which then fixed the muscle weakness issues.

    The woods are lovely, dark and deep.
    But I have promises to keep,
    And miles to go before I sleep,
    And miles to go before I sleep.
    BlueWolf
  • KickboxerKickboxer USASilver Member Posts: 1,120
    I attempted to sooth her fears on the IRS thing by telling her about the phone call I had with them. She seemed to react well, at least her  text sounded like it made her feel better. 
  • KickboxerKickboxer USASilver Member Posts: 1,120
    So Monday night I had her proof read my letter to the IRS. I sent letter because the automated phone system told me it was so busy I should call tomorrow. Then it hung up on me. 

    That night we had a good bout of bedroom calisthenics. 

    I don't like the thought of telling her everything I'm doing. It doesn't sound like a Captain. But I'm going to make an effort to tell her about the big things so she knows I'm taking care of business. 
    BlueWolfAngelineJohn3
  • KickboxerKickboxer USASilver Member Posts: 1,120
    Update:

    An acquaintance left the office and there was a lunch on Friday. Wife attended wearing a cleavage displaying dress as requested. After that we went home for period sex. I'm giving a lot of feedback and direction during oral fun which she takes surprisingly well. 

    Her 40th birthday is this coming Friday. She wanted to go to England but that's not in the cards financially. I know she's disappointed. I'm arranging for a surprise party for her. The in-laws are even flying into town. I invited them in the hopes they would bring the sister we like but it's just them. At least now she will help me clean the house before the party since company is coming. 

    Still hoping for a new job in a different city but it doesn't look good. I'm putting off some home fix it projects since if we stay we'll upgrade but moving means just a repair job. So there are some DLVs around the house. Hard to know what to do when the difference in cost is in the thousands. 

    So red #1 is home improvement. 

    Red #2 is a comment I made about how my in-laws are selfish. The kids asked me if it included mom and I said that all the kids who left home learned not to be selfish after they left. It was hurtful, but I do see a lot of selfish in my wife. Words are my wife's love language so I should say something about it. I don't want to lie and say I didn't mean it. 
    Angeline
  • KickboxerKickboxer USASilver Member Posts: 1,120
    Surprise party went off without any real problems.  Her parents are gone back to their home, thankfully.  Some things I could have done better:

    1. The restaurant on her birthday was expensive to me.  I got sticker shock at the menu and my FIL offered to pay half of the check.  I put it on my credit card for $230 (for four adults and three kids).  I showed FIL the ticket so he could pay up as promised.
    2. Saturday at a kid birthday party we had to leave.  Wife was being oblivious about the time and I raised my voice to tell her the whole plan and that it was time to leave.  She was mad and I did the apology once right then.  She seems past it but I'm mad that I'm expected to make all the plans and execute by myself.  
    3. I'm also butt-hurt over the stupid kid presents. I asked the wife to have each kid buy a gift.  A the party the presents get listed and while my wife and kids  gave something not me.  I told the kids from here on out they can pay for party gifts from their own treasure.

    I don't think I ever had oneitis for my wife.  Right now I keep thinking that I could have done better finding a wife.  I doubt that as everyone has their faults (even me!).  But my attraction to her is somewhere south of "don't care" right now.  I don't know how I went from holding a big birthday party for her (about 40 guests) straight to "whatever".

    I looked at going to the gym on Sunday night during the "what should we do with my parents BS".  Turns out it closes at 8PM.  I should have gone for a walk.
  • KickboxerKickboxer USASilver Member Posts: 1,120
    Update

    I get up early to go to the gym. Today my wife came down before I left and asked me what's wrong. She told me I seem depressed. Which I am because my marriage is just not something I cherish right now. But I cannot tell her that. I told her I'm overworked and tired, which is partly true. Then I went to the gym to workout and get tired. 

    To cheer me up she sends me a picture of her in yoga pants. Later she follows up with a panties only text. This is the girl I married. 

    We had some sexting banter going on most of the day which is nice. I think I was mainly brought down by her parents being here. I don't like them and it shows most days. Any actions by her that remind me of her mother (selfish lazy entitled) then I'm headed down a bad road. 

    I have to remember that this is the girl who sucked me off during shark week just two weeks ago. 
  • AngelineAngeline planting seedsCategory Moderator** Posts: 14,501
    I don't recall your history, are the mood swings business as usual for you or is this new?
    "Speak your truth." - Scarlet
    Remember to play!
    Do the right thing, whether anyone is watching or not.
    Be married, until you are not.

    Email address: angeline.greenwood@att.net
  • KickboxerKickboxer USASilver Member Posts: 1,120
    Mood swings are not my norm, as far as I know.  I do recognize that I'm easily deflated. One set-back and I fight hard to keep going. 

    I've said for years now my superpower is how I always slowly keep going. It sounds corny and is not always true, but it's how I finished college and why I got high belts in martial arts.  
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