Dragging his feet? Or am I just BSC?

anonymous

generalzod said:

Not to offend, but out of curiosity, what made you select this particular site/forum to post your story and seek advice on? 

The history, your approach, and general direction of your relationship seems to be in complete contradiction to the fundamentals of MMSL.  

The part about getting what you want with tears is particularly cringeworthy.  

Good question, I can see why you would be curious about that. I wanted advice from people who were realistic about the fact that as a woman gets older her sex rank goes down (and thus who weren't going to tell me if I love him I should wait forever). I do love him, and it would break my heart to leave him, but I also love myself. I don't want to "waste the pretty" on someone who will never commit since I do want children.  Also wanted to find people who were 1. marriage minded 2. not misogynist and 3. not man-hating feminists. 

I follow the primer as a blueprint not a recipe. I'm of the mindset of keeping myself in shape, etc so I'm in a position where if I'm unhappy in the relationship and he refuses to work with me then I can leave and find someone else with whom I'm more compatible (hence the phase four 8 months ago). I'm not of the mindset that the second I'm not happy I should jump ship without giving him a chance (hence when he came to me with a compromise I agreed to go back). When I posted this I was struggling with the giving him a chance part, wondering if it was worth it or if he was just stringing me along. 

Admittedly I think I'm more blue pill than most on here. I think if you are too red pill you run the risk of becoming bitter or jaded. I would like to believe there is more to love and relationships than just robotic "no A unless you do B". 
*Also to be clear I didn't cry in an attempt to get what I want. I was genuinely upset and I even tried to hide it from him. It just happened that when I finally spilled the beans it worked out. 

Maria

I think you'd love the MAP book and find it very helpful and inspiring.

anonymous

MiddleMan said:

Based on what you've posted, there's a rapidly closing window for this proposal. If he hasn't proposed by, say January 5, you'll know all you need to know. 

I whole-heartedly agree and that is in fact my plan now Although from our recent conversation I think it'll be okay. But still, I'm mentally prepared if it's not. 

Persephone

I didn't take her to mean she 'used tears to get what she wanted'.  Seems to me like she was crying and he comforted her. I don't know how seriously I'd take him at that particular moment, but I don't think she pulled out the waterworks in order to manipulate him. I've been told that we should assume the best of each other here. Let's.

re: proposals. They've gotten a lot more complicated than back in your day, lol. Blame rom-coms. If the ring isn't worth a year's tuition... if he didn't dedicate the week and invite all your friends and family to some exotic locale (for the proposal, mind you!)... if he didn't ensure the pics were posted to social media in a timely fashion... and on and on...

We recently decided to do a JOP thing (due to upcoming expenses and saving and whatnot) and SO is really questioning me like, Are you absolutely sure you won't regret it? He thinks it will reflect poorly on him and his ability to provide, but I honestly couldn't care less. 

Scarlet

@Persephone congratulations!

I look at it this way: dh and I are just as married as the couples who spent many times more on their wedding.  And all these years later, most of those "stressful" details I don't even remember.  

Persephone

Scarlet said:

@Persephone congratulations!

I look at it this way: dh and I are just as married as the couples who spent many times more on their wedding.  And all these years later, most of those "stressful" details I don't even remember.  

I'm not married yet! lol

You and your DH are actually more married than a lot of the couples who spend many times more on their weddings... because they went broke the first year and quickly divorced. lol (but not really)

Scarlet

@Persephone I mean congratulations on the plans!  That's worthy of a congratulations, too.    

To be honest, I've been known to point that out but I was trying to avoid negativity.   

SignorePillolaRossa

i hope someone gives him a copy of the primer as an engagement gift

Lothbrok

You should keep in mind a proper ring  cost a significant amount of money.  It can take a long time to put away that kind of money. Coming up with plan on hoe ask and if it at a location thats even more mony.  So depending on his income and your expectations it could take a year or even two just to save enough money.

Have you noticed a change in his spending.  It took me a year and a half to save enough for a nice ring and not put us in debt just to give you a ref.

Sounds like he dropping hints he has a plan something so you may just want to ask him.  I  would have assume I had a year if we had the same convo.

ruckus

Persephone said:

re: proposals. They've gotten a lot more complicated than back in your day, lol. Blame rom-coms. If the ring isn't worth a year's tuition... if he didn't dedicate the week and invite all your friends and family to some exotic locale (for the proposal, mind you!)... if he didn't ensure the pics were posted to social media in a timely fashion... and on and on...

How the world changes.  If I were to recreate my proposal now, it would probably make the news/blog rounds as "Fellas, here is how you don't propose.  She should dump him".

Tiger_Lily

We did the civil magistrate thing.  We had our reasons, mainly to short-circuit a bunch of family nonsense, which worked at the time and kept us out of debt, but I do wish now that we'd had a bit more of a thing, nicer pictures to show our kids and to sustain us over the years when the going got rough, etc.  True, we're just as married if not more than many others.

Our rings didn't cost that much, either, even back then, but they are unusual enough (matching patterned gold bands) that we still get compliments.

Husband3point0

anonymous said:

MiddleMan said:

Based on what you've posted, there's a rapidly closing window for this proposal. If he hasn't proposed by, say January 5, you'll know all you need to know. 

I whole-heartedly agree and that is in fact my plan now Although from our recent conversation I think it'll be okay. But still, I'm mentally prepared if it's not. 

I would wait until February 15 btw. If you're trying to catch the biggest proposal timeframes.

FWIW, I proposed to my wife in the Sistine Chapel. Sometimes, it is worth the wait. 

dalef

If he wasn't interested the tears probably would not have worked. (The woman who broke down in tears about being afraid she would never get married didn't get a proposal. I admit that was because the two times I had asked her earlier her replies were maybe, then no.) Wish I had read Athol's post on "maybe means keep talking" however, he was in primary school back then.)

Oh, talk to him about the ring; you don't want to blow a lot of money on it; I only paid about $100 for my wife's two rings, and we will celebrate our 22nd this spring.

anonymous

Husband2point1 said:

anonymous said:

MiddleMan said:

Based on what you've posted, there's a rapidly closing window for this proposal. If he hasn't proposed by, say January 5, you'll know all you need to know. 

I whole-heartedly agree and that is in fact my plan now Although from our recent conversation I think it'll be okay. But still, I'm mentally prepared if it's not. 

I would wait until February 15 btw. If you're trying to catch the biggest proposal timeframes.

Feb 15 was my original plan but he told me after my little breakdown it would be by Jan 15, so that's the specific date. If he doesn't do it by the deadline he set for himself then I will assume he changed his mind. He told me Jan 15 unsolicited too, so that makes me think even more he does really have a plan For my own sanity I'm still keeping the deadline in my head, but I'm not nearly as worked up about it as I was. 

MasterOfTheUniverse

The optimist in me thinks he's thinking of some sort of New Year's Eve theatrics. 

anonymous

dalef said:

If he wasn't interested the tears probably would not have worked. (The woman who broke down in tears about being afraid she would never get married didn't get a proposal. I admit that was because the two times I had asked her earlier her replies were maybe, then no.) Wish I had read Athol's post on "maybe means keep talking" however, he was in primary school back then.)

Oh, talk to him about the ring; you don't want to blow a lot of money on it; I only paid about $100 for my wife's two rings, and we will celebrate our 22nd this spring.

Thanks for the male confirmation on his reaction to the tears. I was thinking he would've probably been annoyed if he was dragging his feet. 

I told him back when we made the compromise that I don't care about an expensive ring. He still wants it to be decent because it's a pride thing for him. Of course he has never purchased real jewelry so an "expensive" ring in his book might be $300. I get the vibe that he does not want any input from me on the ring, and if I were to remind him I don't need an expensive one he would be like "woman gtfo this is not your domain" as if I had offered to help him lift a heavy box. Not in those exact words of course

Congrats on 22 years!

Frank_London

He keeps reassuring you that he's going to do it and has a surprise in store.
Maybe he's telling the truth? How come you don't believe him?

anonymous

Frank_London said:

He keeps reassuring you that he's going to do it and has a surprise in store.
Maybe he's telling the truth? How come you don't believe him?

You're right, I should. And I am much better about it since our conversation. 

My doubt stemmed from: 
1. He's never been good at hiding excitement or keeping surprises quiet. He always ends up leaking hints. But this time I don't see any hints even though I'm on high alert for them. 
2. He was not sure at first. He now claims that he was always sure since the first few months we were dating, he was just scared in the moment. But I still have insecurity from that. 
3. He's been trying to "throw me off" by insinuating it's not going to happen soon etc. So before he told me he didn't mean those things I was thinking if he really was sure why would he still be putting it off now that it's been 8 months since we decided. 

Husband3point0

You're really over-thinking the crap out of this, and for very little reason. He's on the clock. You can see the clock. You know what has to happen for him to be off the clock and what happens if the clock expires. There's little point in wringing your hands and debating the concept of time passage, unless you're trying to develop an ulcer or something. 

anonymous

Husband2point1 said:

You're really over-thinking the crap out of this, and for very little reason. He's on the clock. You can see the clock. You know what has to happen for him to be off the clock and what happens if the clock expires. There's little point in wringing your hands and debating the concept of time passage, unless you're trying to develop an ulcer or something. 

This is true. Time for a glass of wine or 4