Need to VENT

BigDaDiesel

Ok I understand the process. I understand it. I know the process takes time. I know the process is sure and that it has been proven. I know I need to trust the process. Today, however, is just a bad day for me. On a good note, I have been doing the MAP and increasing (or returning to) the Alpha traits, being careful to balance out the Beta traits. This weekend I was treated to unexpected and un-initiated sex! Twice I was awakened to super heated BJ's with full, down-to-the-last-drop gulping! That almost NEVER happens. I have been following the instructions and plans to the letter. I see my wife responding, just as Athol said she would. I have been working out, dressing better, being more outgoing and chatting up women. During one of our sex sessions this weekend, I even took an Alpha leap of faith and started lightly slapping my wife's face during pounding intercourse. Each slap produced a mild quivering orgasm. So it is working. Everything I do and say is being self-scrutinized as alpha or beta. Every interaction is being judged through the MMSL filter. I mean, I am calculating every single action. The results have been quick and amazing. So what's the problem?

I'm PISSED about it!

The more I run this program the more frustrated I am with my wife. Why do I have to jump through all these hoops just to get a response from her? Why have I let her RULE me all these years? Why has she been taking advantage of my super beta ways like she has? Why do I have to treat her like a slut for the sex to be any good? How come my previous loving, respectful and gentle mannerisms weren't good enough? After all, it's what she TOLD me she wanted!! Now that my eyes have been open since swallowing the red pill, all I see from her are fitness test after fitness test after fitness test! I see that she hasn't respected me for years. I see that she has been running game on ME for some time now!! I have full clarity and I am mad about it! How could I have allowed this to go on so long? I am mad that I was a whiny sycophant. I am mad that I listlessly allowed her to manipulate me because I was always trying to be pleasing. I thought that I was being a great husband by always carrying her purse and rubbing her feet and cooking all the dinners and cleaning the house all the time. I was a fool to work all day then come home and bust my ass even further, while she sat on the couch eating Turtles, hoping I'd get me a lil' sumthin' sumthin' that night. I am mad about it people. I am downright frustrated that I let her castigate and emasculate me for so long. And the bad part is this: more than her treating me this way (consciously or unconsciously), I ALLOWED IT TO TAKE PLACE under the guise of being a Ephesians 5:25 husband. What I was was weak, subservient and submissive. And now that I have decided to take my life back and be "the man", I am pissed that it could have been different for me. For us. Now I have to do all of this extra work just to get my wife to line up with what I expect out of this marriage. How come she couldn't just take a dose of "ACT-RIGHT" and save me all of this hassle?????

OK. I have vented. I feel better somewhat. Still pissed, but I am going to keep MAPping and doing wht I need to do to get back to who I truly am. Thanks for listening.

BigD

SignorePillolaRossa

yup - bitter red pill is bitter

but now you're good - so just be about it

asking 'why' is a fools errand - there is no reason, per se ... or maybe there's, like, a million reasons ... who knows ... it's just the way it is

good luck

Ninkasi

The pain of living in a dysfunctional relationship model provides motivation to change and sharpens your efforts. There is value in what you have experienced. As time passes the pissedeness will fade into grace as you captain your life, including your emotions.

BigDaDiesel

@Ninkasi‌ if you say so.  I am hopeful that this anger I feel will eventually give way to a better emotional state.  @SignorePillolaRossa‌ You're right.  At this point why dwell on the reasons why.  It's time to be about it!  Will said.  I wonder if anyone else had felt like I do and found a way to conquer. I'd like to hear from that person. 

_io

Just think how frustrated she's been and how angry she could be right now.  What the hell!?!?  He could have been doing this for years and giving me what I needed as an Ephesians 5 wife to submit to and respect!  Now after all these years he pulls this out of his damn hat!  Asshole!

  

ruckus

The anger phase will pass.  Your working through years of social and relationship conditioning that were wrong.  A lot of people have this reaction to the RP.  Mine was consolidated to just a few weeks up front, and every once in a while I still get the little anger creeping back.

Don't direct that anger at your SO though.  It's not her fault.  She's just wired this way, she has no choice in the matter. Take that anger, channel it, and use it to get some shit done to better yourself.

Leatherleaf

Anger is one of the redpill stages.  Work on acceptance.  Past is past.

Or look at it this way.  Be glad your wife responded so quickly.  Some never catch on even after positive changes. 

SignorePillolaRossa

BigDaDiesel said:

...
I wonder if anyone else had felt like I do and found a way to conquer. I'd like to hear from that person. 

yup - i felt that way, that's why i wrote what i wrote ... it is very common ... spilt milk, friend

the only conquering is through surrender ... laugh at the cosmic joke of it all and just put your attention to intentional living according to your MAP ... feel compassion towards your former self for the suffering you endured and feel gratitude for not having to live under those delusions any longer

BigDaDiesel

Way to put it in perspective @_io! Good point.  I wonder if she does feel that way.  Lol!

BC_hunter

well vented... I would not look at it all as "all this extra work to get her to line up with what you expect in marriage" .. and look at it more like "it is what I should have been doing all along".


Put another way. Picard doesn't say to Riker "Why didn't you have a better plan?"

*shrugs*

BigDaDiesel

@SignorePillolaRossa‌ "conquering is through surrender..." That's deep, Sir.  It's making me think! I'm spending needless time and energy on the negative past instead of being grateful for these tools I've found to make the present and future great!

BigDaDiesel

@Leatherleaf‌ Thanks for that insight.  I said in my Triage that my wife has been hinting around for years that I should be more alpha.  I just didn't catch it. She's looking for me to assume that role and obviously willing to respond. 

BigDaDiesel

You are completely right @BC_hunter‌. I should have been doing it all along. 

@ruckus‌ What do you do when you feel that anger trying to rear it's head? 

SignorePillolaRossa

BigDaDiesel said:

 What do you do when you feel that anger trying to rear it's head? 

laugh at it and go pick up heavy things

Kheldar

The feelings of anger are a pretty standard response to success. I thought Athol wrote something about that reaction, but, if I'm correct in that memory, I couldn't find it immediately.

BigDaDiesel

Is good to know that what I'm experiencing is standard response.  I thought I was being unreasonable. But I'm ready like Freddy to get my marriage in order. 

Leatherleaf

BigDaDiesel said:

@Leatherleaf‌ Thanks for that insight.  I said in my Triage that my wife has been hinting around for years that I should be more alpha.  I just didn't catch it. She's looking for me to assume that role and obviously willing to respond. 

No problem and don't feel bad bro.  I would always complain when she wouldn't tell me where she wanted to eat.  What a little bitch! (me, not her).  LOL

ruckus

BigDaDiesel said:

You are completely right @BC_hunter‌. I should have been doing it all along. 

@ruckus‌ What do you do when you feel that anger trying to rear it's head? 

Lifting heavy shit helps.  Being outdoors helps.  Being outdoors, doing a masculine task, and getting it done helps.  Spitting some game at my wife, getting her to either laugh or smack me and call me an asshole helps (quick remember as to what I'm doing).  David Deida book helped.

Now I can usually defuse my anger by a simple gut check.  Go read my latest post in my 911 thread.  I got really bitch boy pissy last night.  Took me about 30 minutes of quiet time and a beer to reflect on it.  Then I was fine.

Eventually you'll get to a point where you accept your Wife (and women in general) for how they are, and will be completely happy with the arrangement.  Trust me.

Scarlet

So, you went all these years without knowing what really turns her on.  What leads you to believe that she knew but withheld the information?  

BigDaDiesel

@Scarlet‌ My wife is an interesting individual. She knew but because of the wimpyness I displayed she didn't want to overwhelm me with the truth. Her history is one of dating what we call "ballers". Big money,  big houses,  big cars,  lawyers, doctors,  NBA and NFL players, etc. All of her dating life she only was with traditional alpha men.  As we matured in our relationship,  she began to share more of her past with me and the type of men and treatment she was used to.  But because I was petty and jealous,  I'd get offended and take it personal.  Instead of HEARING what she was trying to tell me. But at the same time,  she'd also tell me that she wanted sensitive and caring and gentle and kind from me.  Her offset sister used took tell me all the time that I needed to stand up to her and tell her how things were going to be.  Her SISTER told me that my wife wanted a man's man and to stop trying to placate her all the time.  Again,  I did not hear.  I could have had this taken care of by year 3 of my marriage.  I am kicking myself. 

CartB4Horse

Yeah, why didn't Athol write his books a decade earlier and hand deliver them to me?  I really could have had a better life if he did that, damnit!

No one else has figured it out and been able to write it down.  It took Athol and Google to get us the information.

So, how's being unplugged treating you?  Are you staying hydrated (Gulp, gulp?)