HappyTrail's MAP

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  • HappyTrailHappyTrail MidWestSilver Member Posts: 453
    Great stuff @Angeline‌! Been trying to come up with a specific list but what I'm finding is that this area (playful/fun) seems more spontaneous and difficult to plan for. But here's a couple things I've done the last few days now that I'm more mindful: 

    Took the kids to the Y to swim. Actively engaged with them playing ball games in the water and had fun together. Played Monopoly together. 

    Somebody was talking at home yesterday that reminded me of a song lyric so I started singing it. They were all laughing and telling me I'm weird (in a fun way)

    Looked up a list of jokes/riddles (they love them) and plan to tell one each day at dinner.

    Wife was sitting on the oversized chair in the living room. I went over to squeeze in and site by her. To do so I had to wiggle my way in an awkward way, and we both gently tumbled off the edge. We laughed like crazy, then both got back on the chair and snuggled for a few minutes (still laughing)

    Gonna keep working on this!

    AngelineKattzook
  • UnBetaMeUnBetaMe Through The GatesMember Posts: 1,211
    I'm going to chime in here.
    I read through your thread quickly and lot of what you are going through sounds familiar.

    Don't worry about the times when you plan things out and she shuts it down.  My wife is a planner too and sometimes no matter what you do, she'll have something stuck in her head that won't let her focus on anything sexual. Bring your best OI and stay the course.  

    Looking back on my MAP, I think that I was trying too hard a lot of the time. That said, faking it until you make it with the confidence and cocky/funny was key for me. Just don't go overboard.

    Try some push/pull tactics. If you ever feel like you've put too much energy in and have not been getting anything out, take the pressure off of both of you by switching it up and laying off the drivebys, sexts, initiations etc. for a day or two. Be positive, fun, busy and productive the whole time. The only thing you change is your dynamic toward her.  If your situation is anything like mine, this will work like a charm.

    Sometimes I think i was trying so hard that I was coming off as needy and that isn't going to work at all.

    Keep it up with the playful, fun stuff with the kids. There is nothing better than having fun with the kiddos.  

    Also, be sure to keep knocking the leadership stuff out of the park. Always have an opinion and never provide an answer with a question mark at the end.  You aren't looking for approval, you're making a decision.

    Keep after it. You got this!
    AngelineTrumanBlueWolfRPG46
  • HappyTrailHappyTrail MidWestSilver Member Posts: 453
    @UnBetaMe‌ can we chat privately sometime? Like exchange emails? 
  • AngelineAngeline planting seedsCategory Moderator** Posts: 14,501
    Step 1, get this vacation thing shut down.
    "Speak your truth." - Scarlet
    Remember to play!
    Do the right thing, whether anyone is watching or not.
    Be married, until you are not.

    Email address: angeline.greenwood@att.net
  • fordsvtfordsvt Canada Eh!Silver Member Posts: 2,300
    Interesting thoughts. Mine is back and forth with winter Vaca this year. I booked two weeks in jan first week of Feb. Going to do a last min booking. Then she decides no we can't afford it. So she books in for work.
    last week I get up from night shift. First thing she's asks "wanna go to Vegas?"  Now she's looking often again. Came at me with the Vegas think tonight I feel like telling her to fuck off. 
    I was drinking on New Years but not drunk not at all. But I was too drunk to have sex.
    tonight she's not to interested either. But I'm suppose to want to encourage her to book something. She's testing me to see how bad I want to go.  
    Its all about games and tests. 

    Into Phase 3..

    Those Who Dare......Win.   "What gives you fear today...Gives you Strength tomorrow.."

  • OneEyedDrunkOneEyedDrunk Out West Silver Member Posts: 1,808
    It looks like your physical attributes are good. That leaves the other areas to work on. @UnBetaMe‌ is spot on with the fake it until you make it ideas with cocky/funny. You would be surprised what you can say and do with a cocky attitude and sly grin. 
    oneeyeddrunk.weebly.com
    BlueWolfTenneeUnBetaMe
  • HappyTrailHappyTrail MidWestSilver Member Posts: 453
    I've been doing pretty well with cocky/funny. Still room for improvement though. It hasn't helped yet regarding the bedroom but hopefully its setting the stage for better things to come. Have had sickness going through the whole family and a couple other stressful situations to deal with. Really focused on being a Captain right now given a couple recent developments. Also calling her out on rationalizing - she does that a lot but I never really 'got it' before.

    We have a crazy month. I'll be out of town with one son this weekend for state chess championships (he hopes to win his division for 3rd straight year). She's busy next weekend for a training/class she needs to take for her work. I'll be gone 8 days at the end of the month for the final advanced level course I need for my job. In the meantime our youngest starts indoor soccer league this week so we take turns carting him around. 

    Yes, the physical is good. Still working out 5-6x/week at 5:30am with a good mixture. Eating pretty well, though too many cheat days could be improved. I'm only slightly heavier now than 20 yrs ago and most of that is added muscle. Taking better care of my teeth, hair and clothing. Noticing lots more glances and smiles from women. Just as importantly, I enjoy working out! Love the feeling of being fit and have lots of friends/acquaintances at the gym. It charges me up and makes me more confident.
    BlueWolfjon
  • fordsvtfordsvt Canada Eh!Silver Member Posts: 2,300
    Nice work. Things are coming together well there. Great job in the gym too. Just keep a steady course with the busy month coming. Keep your frame and lead the way. 

    Into Phase 3..

    Those Who Dare......Win.   "What gives you fear today...Gives you Strength tomorrow.."

    BlueWolf
  • HappyTrailHappyTrail MidWestSilver Member Posts: 453
    Hoping I played this right: Today I told wife she should come with me on my upcoming trip to Nashville for a work event. (My birthday is that week too. Wouldnt really cost much more, would get her out of the daily grind for a week, and I'd have company). She asked what she would do there. I said "Sight see, go to the Grand Ole Opry, museums and malls during the day then make wild passionate love to your husband at night" (said with a smirk). She just grinned then checked the calender. Turns out there is just too much other stuff going on that week and its pretty short notice (both are true) so she said no. I responded with "then we'll just make up for it with a big birthday celebration as soon as I get back" (with a smirk again). We finished going over a couple other things, told her I was going to a cycle class tonight and meeting a buddy next Monday night, then I went back to my office. How does that all sound?

    Last night I was flipping through an anatomy book she had out to study for an upcoming test she needs for work. It showed how a guy gets 'snipped'. She said 'arent you lucky you never need that done since I had a hysterectomy?" I responded with "No, they are the luck ones because if they're getting snipped then they must be having sex. I'd make that trade" She thought for a second then smiled and said "yeah...good one...I didnt think of it that way". My intent is to start getting more aggressive without sounding needy. I don't feel I'm quite at a point in my MAP to push too hard for sex yet I want her to know I'm not OK with the current situation - all without putting her back in the captain's seat. She seemed to take it how I had intended so I count it as a small win. 
  • AngelineAngeline planting seedsCategory Moderator** Posts: 14,501
    The second one was good, I don't think you should have bargained for return home sex after it turned out she couldn't go. 

    Why do you not share the family calendar? Better not to even have brought it up, or move things around yourself and announce the trip. 

    Then again, why should she be rewarded a trip? 

    But good job on being light and funny with it, it sounds like she took it well. 
    "Speak your truth." - Scarlet
    Remember to play!
    Do the right thing, whether anyone is watching or not.
    Be married, until you are not.

    Email address: angeline.greenwood@att.net
    [Deleted User]jonKatt
  • UnBetaMeUnBetaMe Through The GatesMember Posts: 1,211
    @UnBetaMe‌ can we chat privately sometime? Like exchange emails? 
    Sorry for the lack of response. I haven't been active much.

    You can post here in general and I'll try to answer the best I can. 
  • HappyTrailHappyTrail MidWestSilver Member Posts: 453
    Been MIA for a while. Was out of state for a while, whole family sick for a couple weeks, work got crazy busy and am working long hours. Also just bought a new van and sold the old one (hassle). Been doing physical therapy trying to get my knee/back issue figured out - seems like its helping. Been lazy and slipping backwards on the fun/flirty. Gotta get back on track.

    Also need to figure out what to do about our middle child. Whatever this behavior issue/aggression/temper is that he has has been getting worse. Physically hurting us and breaking things, disturbing threats, etc. We have reached out to the psychologist that we worked with in the past but it wasn't very helpful. He suggested calling a certain place but said they have a huge waiting list so it might take months. Also, treatment is crazy expensive and our insurance barely covers anything related to mental issues so its all out of pocket. We just flat dont have 10-20,000 for this! But something needs to happen. The kids basically hate each other (so they say) because of this and its a big stress on the family/marriage. I sometimes feel like a hostage in my own house. Ugggg.
    BlueWolfScarlettry_red_pill
  • AngelineAngeline planting seedsCategory Moderator** Posts: 14,501
    Call the place anyway and tell them you have a crisis with your teen who is escalating, and ask if they have any kind of help for people paying cash. They might help, or have another resource for you. If that doesn't work go back to your school counselor and ask for more ideas. Don't dither around on this. Act.
    "Speak your truth." - Scarlet
    Remember to play!
    Do the right thing, whether anyone is watching or not.
    Be married, until you are not.

    Email address: angeline.greenwood@att.net
    Scarlet
  • AngelineAngeline planting seedsCategory Moderator** Posts: 14,501
    Also, find a way to firewall the kids off from each other if they are fighting between themselves. "Fight it out" is an absolutely terrible strategy most of the time, but especially if real violence is on tap.
    "Speak your truth." - Scarlet
    Remember to play!
    Do the right thing, whether anyone is watching or not.
    Be married, until you are not.

    Email address: angeline.greenwood@att.net
  • HappyTrailHappyTrail MidWestSilver Member Posts: 453

    After some gains early this year, life got busy and we generally fell back into the same 'ol rut. While I was still somewhat conscious of the things I needed to be doing, I wasn't as consistent as I should have been. I truly think some of the prior success was when I was more light/fun and less uptight. When there are things to get done, I tend to want to roll up the sleeves and go at it hard. I'm serious about getting the task done. And there are always more things to get done, so I don't relax until I feel I am on top of it. I need to be more proactive in this. One small win this past weekend was on a trip to a few apple orchards. We were doing a corn maze and I started throwing corn kernels at the kids. Then the W got involved and we were putting kernels into each others clothes - everyone was laughing and having a great time. This carried through until evening when we were still picking corn out of underwear and trying to 'get each other back'. Need more of this. "Getting stuff done" is never a problem, trying to get too much done is. This week I will try to get the family laughing together at least once a day.

    I also need to work on OI and appropriate responses to things that piss me off. One is her being a terrible back-seat driver. I hate it but she still does it. Even after being accident and ticket free for 25 years, she has to critique all the time and no approach has gotten her to stop to date. She is very critical about everyone but is always right herself. I need to really work on responses to this stuff and not let things get to me (at least outwardly). This week I will start a journal for these situations. Not to throw things in her face, but so that I can go back and review to look for patterns to learn from.

    She has been under stress due to her sister being terminally ill. I try to be supportive and ask her often for updates but the timing has to be right. Right after getting off the phone with her mom or when she's hurried doesn't go well. When she's more relaxed she opens up more. I need to continue supporting her through this.

    We were able to squeeze in lunch together yesterday without kids. Hopefully we can start having our Fri night 'date night' again since soccer is done soon. We only get a couple hours so there is only so much you can do in that time and things get stale. I will continue to seek new ideas. Situation with the kids is somewhat better, but not great. Two of them are just very different and don't get along. We were seeking counseling but were put on a waiting list. We also learned that insurance doesn't cover it and we cant afford it. We just monitor it closely and separate them at first signs of a bigger problem to diffuse it.

    As stated numerous times before, physical isn't really our issue. She teaches fitness classes and is attractive. I work out a lot early in the morning plus hard work around our hobby farm. I have a slender build but good,  muscled appearance. We keep hygiene up and dress quite well. I think her lack of attraction for me is all emotional - I've been too non-assertive/passive and let her moods affect mine. Her nagging about how everyone else does things wrong while she is perfect is a huge turn off for me. I have come quite a ways this year in being more of a captain, but I slipped some and need to up my game. My only health issues have been with joints. I had shoulder surgery 6 yrs ago. Its much better now but I have slightly restricted mobility of it and do ongoing exercises for it. My knee went haywire a couple years ago after over-training for my first 25k running race and a triathlon at the same time. I've been to several therapists and two doctors, had x-rays and an MRI. Nobody can figure out the problem and was told to just stop running. The most recent therapist was the best and we think most of it stemmed from my back (which also affects my issue of sleeping in a flat bed). My back has felt much better and I continue to do daily stretching and core exercises to maintain it. All I can run is 1/2 to 1 1/2 miles once or twice a week or my knee still acts up. I don't really love running, but I miss being able to do a few 5k's, obstacle races, etc with my gym friends. I still have not moved back into sleeping in the same bed. Contrary to some prior discussions about this, its really not a priority for us. I'd wake her up because we are on different schedules, she's not a snuggler and seems happier without anyone there, and I'm content with it as well. This may seem odd to many of you but it works for us. I don't see how it would help our relationship or sex life in anyway. All I would do is slip in after she's asleep and slip out before she gets up anyways (due to schedules).

    WhereWasI
  • HappyTrailHappyTrail MidWestSilver Member Posts: 453
    Sounding like a broken record, but I have the same map goals again for this week. These are by far my biggest challenges and I believe where I will see the biggest gains. 

    I've been being more proactive regarding the family calendar. Knowing more details of who has to be where/when, going over it on the weekend for the upcoming week, suggesting ideas, We both pull our own weight with the duties so that's not a problem for us - neither of us are lazy. Just less passive and more invested. Saying thank you to her has become frequent and easier (for a nice meal, picking up something at the store I had mentioned, etc). I've been calling her out on 'bad behavior' such as if she tells me instead of asks me to do something, and not saying thank you in return when it is appropriate to do so.

    I planned out a simple yet romantic date I thought she would enjoy, then found out she had just made other plans involving kids that didnt get put on the calendar yet (all happened on the same day). The entire date hinged around specific timing which I wont elaborate on here, but suffice it to say that the plans are now impossible. When it all unfolded she was intrigued as to what I was planning but I kept the specifics hidden and just smiled. I'll go back to the drawing board and try to come up with a new plan but damn, that screwed everything up. There is not a single weekend available for over 4 months to 'get away'. Seriously - over 4 months.

    Another hard no at an initiation. No good reason, just a hard no. I played it well and went on my merry way and watched a football game instead. I guess I'm still trying to figure out when you know its time to push harder and go to phase 4. I mean, one can be self-improving their entire life. At what point do you say "I feel I am at a place where I am pretty much as good as its gonna get - take it or leave it"? There comes a time when you wonder if any amount of self improvement will ever be enough for the spouse. Seems like a real balancing act. Pushing too soon isnt good. Neither is waiting too long and wasting even more of your life. Not saying I think I'm there yet, but I feel I'm moving that direction and thinking more about it. 
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