I can't believe this!!

nubby

I'm on my third time reading MMSLP and have been implementing the map slowly. I've called my wife out on a few things waiting for the shit to hit the fan but it never happened. 
I've taken control of my diabetes and my glucose levels are staying well within the range my dietician and Dr want to see. I finally got under 200lbs and am doing a seven minute workout twice a day.
now the good stuff. My wife and I had been in roommate status for about 4 years up until about a month and a half ago. I bought and read MMSLP (reading it for a third time now) and haven't looked back. 
We used to have duty sex once maybe twice a month but it was still good. Oral for both of us, lots of foreplay kissing etc. after starting to put the book into play, things are getting really good. My wife is working out of town this week and started texting me saying she loves me, misses me and wants to be at home with me. I respond likewise. Next I start getting pictures texted to me. Some gifts she got for the kids and so on.
ten minutes lTer another text. A nice tit flash. I think,"this is different" but I like it. I play it cool and say "nice". Then I get a pussy shot! Now I'm getting a little nervous!!! She is borderline prudish!! She never does things like this. Then.... Believe it or not she asks me to send a cock shot! So, I think to myself, where is she going with this???? So I oblige being the horny bugger I am. 
Ten minutes later she texts saying can you feel me sucking on it?? I say " oh ya". Then I get another text," I'm playing with my pussy looking at the picture". Now I'm getting really turned on!!! Another 10 minutes anther message, this has a video attached!!! My god!!! She's masturbating on video for me!!! I can't believe this. I text her back and ask why she's doing this. She says she's seen a lot of changes in me and loves what she sees. Then, much to MY surprise she asks me to send a video of me jerking off and cumming for her. 
I was a little taken off guard by this request but figured "ALPHA. TIME". I sent her the video and she texted this morning saying she finally slept good and it would have been better if the cum was all over her tits!!!
she just texted me a few minutes ago and said she's going shopping for something sexy, I asked if she would get some knee high boots because I thought they were hot. Her response "OMG really?? I guess I never told her about that. 
The book is a life/marriage saver, now she is looking for ways to please me instead of me trying to please her all the time. I can really get used to this. I just have to remember not to take advantage of her willingness.....too much.
thank you Atol, your would be a bargain at 1000 times the price.

nubby

I just got another text. She said she just bought some "slut boots" and now she shopping for lingerie. This is getting better all the time!!! I hope she sends me some more messages after the kids have gone to bed;)

nubby

I haven't posted in this section in a while.
 My wife has initiated 5 times in the last 8 days now. 
She told me lastnight that she just wanted to scream "FUCK ME HARD!!!"
but unfortunatly the kids rooms are very close. 
A couple other things I have noticed lately. If I start pulling on her hair a bit while kissing she really turns the heat up. She also almost melts when I'm touching her neck, she offers it up willingly. And finally, when doing it missionary, she is constantly rubbing and grabbing at my (new improved) arms. 
Things seem to be going great. We communicate constantly now. No more little pecks before work. We both engage in drive bys frequently and we sit together cuddling all the time now.
A year ago if anyone told me this is where our relationship would be I would have told them they're fucking crazy. It's funny what a few well thought out and written books can do for a person's motivation. 
Since reading the primer and map, I have been going to the gym 4x week and losing weight and gaining muscle. My wife has now started being more conscious of what she eats and has been taking an aerobics class 2x week at lunch. She has also been joining me on my evening walks with the dog and really enjoying our time together. so far this has probably been the best we've had in our relationship since we started dating almost 30 years ago. 
I hope the next 30 years are the best ones to come.

nubby

@Athol_kay was dead on the money. I've been working out and dropping the weight, dressing nicer etc. lo and behold, my wife has been losing weight all of a sudden and taking lunch time fitness classes at work. 
When she was out of town last week I texted her and she was in the hotel gym!! Usually she's out spending money we don't have.
she has noticed me getting a few ioi's so I think she's upping her game.  
She's probably still 50-60lbs overweight for her height, but I still think she's sexy. I still look at her as if she just graduated college. I always have a compliment for her and I am supportive of her efforts as she has been with mine.
myself, I have at least 25-30 more pounds to drop and it isn't coming off as fast as it was at first. I won't let it get to me as I didn't gain all that weight in a short period of time, so I know it will take a while to come off. It's funny though, the days that I seem to eat really healthy, the next day I seem to weigh more. Maybe I should avoid the scale for a couple of weeks.
Things are still going great with us. We are still communicating regularly, we still cuddle up together to watch tv and still take our walks together every night and the sex has been off the charts!!
i know now that we are in a good place in our marriage, but I also know I just can't coast along either. I have been and will continue to work on myself and my own happiness. If things are good now, I'm sure I can work with my wife to make things even better. 
I am grateful for all the advice I have received here directly and indirectly by reading other threads on this site. I'm sure if I hadn't read the primer and come here, I would probably be going through a divorce. Even though things are great, I'm still going to hang around here as much as possible. I know there is always an opportunity to learn something about myself or women. 
I not saying goodbye by any means. I just want to say thank you.

nubby

Been a few weeks since I've posted to this thread so I'll update.
i have finally convinced my wife we should sell our house and downsize. I told her it's the difference between living and surviving. 
We have spent the last week and a half working on getting the house ready to put in the market. We took care of a lot of little projects and we still work together like a well oiled machine. 
We have contacted a real esatate agent to help us sell and buy. He came over to look at the house and discuss selling prices. Going by his suggested price for listing, we stand to make a 50% gain from our purchase price. 
Proceeds from the sale will help pay down debt and still leave a nice chunk for a down payment on our next house. 
My wife mentioned today about going back to Tai Kwondo and finally earning our black belts (currently 2nd deg brown). Our youngest will also still be competing in gymnastics and our oldest is leaning towards taking up archery. 
Things are still great in the bedroom as well. My wife has stopped wearing her granny panties, has started wearing  sexy pj's and decided it's time to grow her hair out again. Myself, I still haven't figured out why my erections don't fade after ejaculation like they used to. I'm not complaining about it and neither is my wife and that's for sure and for certain. 
I am still keeping up with meeting her needs and sometimes do the little extra  things she loves that surprise her. A little note in with her lunch, putting a single rose with a note in her truck while she's at work and letting her know that her hard work is appreciated. 
My weight loss has slowed a bit but is still heading in the right direction. I had to add a hole in my belt:) workouts have dwindled the last week and a half due to the upcoming sale of our house but that for some reason triggered a 3 lb weight loss??? 
I'm still in awe of where my marriage is now compared to just a year ago. Not only has my work paid off in my marriage, it has really helped me become more confident and a lot less critical of myself. The big plus for me is, I'm actually happy in almost everything I do now and stress has pretty much taken it's leave from my life. 

nubby

It's been just over 4 months since I last updated this thread. I am now one year into my map. In the last year my wife and I have gone from roommates with occasional benefits to an actual married couple (although married 13 years and together 30yrs).
what has changed in the last year?? A lot of things. Physically I'm in the best shape I've been since my 20's (now in my early 50's). More importantly, mentally I'm more positive about everything whereas I used to be the opposite. My self confidence and self esteem are the highest they has ever been. I no longer (even jokingly put myself down) or say things that make me seem less than what I am. 
I have over the last year become very decisive and my wife constantly defers to me for decisions. 
Almost a year ago to the day my wife flat out told me that she was the ONLY one capable of making any decisions. That is the day I started my journey. It all began when I read those words. 
At that time, sex was maybe 1-2 times a month. Sex was used as punishment by my wife more often than not. I got to a point where I just gave up even thinking about initiating at all. She was clearly the leader (even the kids said so).
I was at a point in life where I really didn't care whether or not I remained married. I was miserable!!
my mapping started with taking care of my health and exercising. Eating better and losing weight not only made me feel better physically, I felt better mentally (self esteem was slowly creeping in). This in turn got my wife to notice me a little more and our sex life started to improve (4-6x/month). At this time though, shit/loyalty tests were pretty much around every corner. Of course this early in my map I never noticed (or passed many).
Once I started to notice and pass the tests more often, many things happened. My wife started to respect me more, sex became a little more frequent, my self confidence grew to the point where I thought "she's lucky to have me".
Still, something didn't quite seem right. I wasn't exactly sure, but I eventually figured out it was trust issues. All my work so far was ok, but my wife still didn't trust my changes were for real. I had to change that! I had to do things I said I would do and not put it off. I had to show her that I would take responsibility for my actions and correct my mistakes. I had to knock off the passive aggressive bullshit!! I had to EARN her trust back. 
My wife now knows that I can handle handle myself and anything that comes along (which I prove every time she works out of town). If one of the kids has an appointment she KNOWS I'll remember it and they will be there. When I say something will be done, it's done.
I believe RC and trust go hand in hand but it has helped to just do the little extras that make my wife feel loved. My oi has changed and I never come off as pissy or upset when i initiate and get turned down. This has relieved a lot of pressure on my wife to the point that she initiates as much or more than I do to the point now where sex is 4-5/week. 
I have pretty much always taken charge in the bedroom and have been slowly ramping things up a bit and she has responded very well to it. She has come to enjoy anal, whereas before it was always off the table (she even asks for it now). Sex always includes plenty of oral stimulation both ways and I have introduced toys as well (although she prefers the real thing).
Once we move, our debt load will be mortgage only and the usual recurring monthly bills. The proceeds from the sale of the current house will pay off everything. This is my wife's biggest stressor(debt). With this gone, we will start a savings plan and an emergency account and still be able to live comfortably. We will have a budget and we will both keep track of spending. Any large purchases will be divided into a need or want category where need will trump want. 
Affection wise, we seem to be closing the gap considerably. She will come looking for affection and I will offer it up anytime. We now cuddle on the couch, hold hands when out, kiss in public (something she was reluctant to do before) and are more playful with each other. 
Our communication is at an all time high and we each know that if something is bothering us, it can and will be discussed rationally. This is a huge improvement over years past and will continue to be the norm. 
After only a year of seriously working on myself and our relationship, things aren't perfect but are heading in the right direction. We still have our disagreements but they are handled much better than years past. I'm still not where I want to be physically but hey, I didn't get fat overnight and I'm sure it will take some time to get where I want to be and my wife is following suit. Almost every meal is home cooked from scratch and using as many fresh ingredients as possible. Even the kids are happier eating healthier and it shows in their school work and energy levels. 
It's sad that I let things get as bad as they did, but I'm am happy it is turning around. I'm sure if I hadn't found the primer and this site, we would be going through a divorce. The map isn't a fad by any means, it's a new lifestyle for me. I only wish I knew all this stuff years ago, but I'm glad I found it when I did. I'm still fine tuning my map and I'm always reading threads on this site looking for ideas and inspiration. 
I just hope that if anyone reads my map, intro or this, they will gain something that helps them in their journey. 

BeTheChange

As someone that is just starting on this road this is a great story and is encouraging.

Smashmaster

The map isn't a fad by any means, it's a new lifestyle for me.

It's a this point, when it becomes internalized, that things really start to move. Not just for you, because it starts to sink in for everyone in your circle that something has changed and they adjust to the new reality. 

Excellent news, awesome job.

nubby

@Smashmaster ; things still aren't perfect by any means. We still have our problems and sometimes I feel I would be better off single. I just keep working on me. 

For the last two months or so, things have gotten much better. No orbiting, no wife goggles and my wife has initiated 80% of the sex. She has opened up more sexually than she was in her 20's as well including anal, hair pulling and multiple positions, pretty much whatever I ask for she just does. 

If i had to break things down as to what was the most effective in our turnaround, I would do it like this. 
1)- leadership and communication.  
2)- Relationship comfort. 
3)- Rock solid oi. 
4)-Good Alpha (passing her tests).
5)-Physical fitness, weight and appearance. 
These are my top 5 in order of what had the greatest impact. When I first came here, getting my diabetes under control was my number one monkey. Luckily, weight loss and then exercise were much easier. 

It's interesting how working on just one thing can start a snowball effect and over drive all the necessary changes. 

Geekengineer

Wow.  Awesome work, nubby.

nubby

@Geekengineer I just realized something. With both my girls over 10 now, I don't feel as, how should I say it? "obligated" to be around to help with the child rearing. They are both pretty much capable of looking after things without needing a parent to oversee everything. That said, it helps relieve the nice guy tendency to hover. This has made doing my thing a lot easier (read, guilt free). 

Getting out and doing my thing, leaves time for my wife to do things she needs/wants to do without the pressure of me possibly needing/wanting something. This in turn gives us things to communicate about as we aren't constantly together and knowing what each other are doing. 

My map is barely over a year old but I seem to be light years ahead of where I was in early 2014. 

nubby

@Ape I'm down 32lbs. But on a 5'6" frame that looks like quite a bit. Not sure how much muscle I added but I plan to add a lot more over the next year. 

I was down 37lbs but every year starting mid October, my weight creeps up then comes back off in the spring. My wife calls it the winter bear syndrome 

Smashmaster

Losing 32 lbs on your frame IS quite a lot. More then enough to be obvious to anybody. Very good for your health AND everything else.

How do you feel about yourself as a person these days? I would expect significantly better. Not just because of the weight loss, but for all the above progress too. 

nubby

@Smashmaster good question. This could possibly turn into a rambling answer so you better grab a healthy snack. 
Youre right, 32lbs on a 5'6" frame makes quite a difference(although I have gained 5 back). Right now(at 51yrs), physically I feel stronger than I have ever been. I still have no problem jumping in and out of the back of my 4x4. Lifting and carrying things is a breeze and doing any labor intensive work isn't daunting.
my blood pressure is consistently text book at 120/80. I cut my cholesterol level to less than half of what it was a year ago and my HbA1c is 1base point over normal(type2 diabetic). Diet and exercise sure pay off.  

According to my wife (her words) I'm a "better fuck now than I have ever been". I stay hard longer and can sometimes get 3 loads off in a session. I had never been able to do that at any previous point in my life. I chalk it up to diet and lifting. Her attraction to me is way up but I don't believe it's because of my physical condition. 

Mentally, I'm more confident than I have ever been, my body image issues are still a bit present but after about 40yrs of it, it takes some doing to let it go. I was a bit worried about my lack of education compared to that my wife's but the F/O's on here straightened me out (thank you). I don't think I'm a prize for my wife, I know it!! What I may lack in education I more than make up for in practical terms. I can take care of anything in my house from a leaking roof to a leaking foundation and everything in between. my vehicles don't intimidate me one iota. I refuse to let a pile of metal and plastic beat me, it just won't happen!! Computers don't intimidate me either. Although I haven't had any formal training whatsoever, I can operate and if need be, troubleshoot and repair them.  I refuse to give up on problems. I WILL find a solution (that's why I'm still married). I've always been this way but my map has shown me the value of this mindset.
 
That's how I started building cabinets. I refused to pay outlandish prices for something I knew I could do. I read up on cabinetmaking, bought the necessary tools and built my kitchen in my first house. I don't like to just know things work, I like to know why and how they work. I want to know why things are/were always done a certain way, and if I can improve on it I will. 

Family wise, I'm a much more patient and tolerant father/husband than I have been in the past. I have learned empathy and like to see things through other people's eyes. If it helps improve me, it's worth the effort. 

In the last year, I have cuddled, hugged and kissed my wife more than in the last 20 years. I'm sure our attraction level is at an all time high right now. We respect each other, yet will call out improper behavior and discuss/correct it to avoid resentment. We communicate more than ever and after being together for 30 years, we still learn things about each other. We laugh, fight, joke and tease each other but at the end of the day, we do love each other and ourselves. 
We do have separate interests as well as shared interests. I like doing some things she has absolutely no interest in and she has things that don't interest me. My wife likes everything planned to perfection whereas I like to be more spontaneous, which a lot of the time doesn't work out so well but hey, I tried. 
It may seem like the perfect marriage to some, but we can still really piss each other off. I have had times where I had to just leave and cool off and so has she, and we are still together. 

I will admit though, being with my wife for 30 years now, my mind has wondered. She is my first and only sexual partner. I did have a couple girlfriends back in the day but we never had intercourse. My wife has had a few partners but yet she DID wonder very early in our LTR. I have vowed to be faithful to her and so far I'm batting 1000. When I get serious ioi's I catch myself thinking about straying and shut it down real quick. I know first hand the pain it causes and couldn't  bear to doing that to my wife and kids. I've only been with her and have wondered if the grass is greener but when I see how miserable some guys are, I know I have it damn good. 

Overall, Since reading the primer and the map, I'm a way better person than I thought I could ever be. I still have a long way to go and I can't let my recent successes go to my head. I have to keep pushing myself forward. Even if I slow down to a snail's pace, I have to keep going. Right now I'm the best me possible. Yesterday I was good, Tomorrow I'll be even better. 

@Smashmaster shake, shake, you can wake up now

CartB4Horse

I went back to check and make sure this was in "Success Stories".

Thanks for the boost @nubby, this stuff can be addictive!

nubby

@CartB4Horse it can be addictive. But the way I see it, self improvement is a good addiction and the rewards are worth it. 

I've been a bit skeptical to post in this section as it seems whenever I do, the wife and I have a blow out. Hopefully it won't happen this time. 

I think we all need a boost every so often. I'm glad I could help. 

nubby

I joined mmsl forum in November 2014 after reading the Primer. Up until then, my marriage was on the brink of divorce. My wife and I were like roommates. I would get home from work feeling like an unwanted house guest. At one point she asked me who I was fucking because I gave up initiating sex. I had been rejected so much (at one point I went 6 mo. without).

Looking back I can now see where I went wrong. The day my wife got her accounting designation, I gave up the captain's chair to her. Not all at once but slowly. As she took on more and more, I got lazier, fatter, wouldn't shave for up to 2weeks, dressed like a slob and pretty much blamed her for everything wrong in MY life. 

I googled sexless marriage in September 2014 and found myself on TAM reading through the thinking of divorce/separation threads. Up until then I had never heard of @Athol_Kay the Primer or mmsl forum. I just stumbled across it from someone posting and recommending another poster should read it.

I searched it up on Amazon and thought, "what do I have to lose by reading it"? Once i finished reading it I knew who the problem was in the marriage and if I was going to lay blame and point fingers, I better damn well be standing in front of a mirror.  

Now, a year and a half later, things are incredible! I'm still down over 30lbs, I am sporting more muscle and all my old fat clothes went to the dump. 

I used to walk on eggshells in an attempt to not make my wife angry or upset. The thing is, doing exactly that was one thing that made her upset and lose respect for me. She needed me to be strong and stand my ground and not be a doormat. If I wouldn't stand up to her, who would I stand up to? 

Being a recovering "nice guy," I found fitness tests a little intimidating. I mean, "I can't say no to her, she might get mad" kind of intimidating. After getting used to dealing with them, she started respecting me more and they became easier to pass as time went on and now she rarely throws them my way. 

Another thing I had noticed when passing fitness tests, was sex. If it was one of her bigger tests and I passed, sex would happen and was usually initiated by her. If I passed the smaller tests and initiated, there was a better chance for me. 

Unfortunetly, my oi wasn't all that good and rejection led to resentment. I did find out though that stfu was better than saying "no problem, I have other things I can do." That one didn't go over so well and I was accused of going to spank one off. 

Gaining true oi took what seemed forever. Now? No problem, a kiss and a "I love you" roll over and fall asleep. It's that easy for me. No more getting pissy or pa about it. I know I'll get me some. 

Being decisive was another area in which I was a complete failure. I couldn't even decide on what to eat when she offered to cook. It was always the same answer. You all know it, "I don't care, whatever you want." Which did nothing for her. 

One day I shocked myself when she asked what I wanted for dinner and told her. Instead of being upset, she actually seemed relieved that she didn't have to decide. That was a small but very important step for me. Not only did I get what "I" wanted but instead of her being upset, she was actually happy to do it for me.  

That small step was the springboard I needed to start making decisions. Early on I failed a lot but as time went on, I got better at it. I even built up enough courage to tell her I wanted a full turkey dinner when there was no holidays in sight. Guess what? She bought a turkey, made the whole meal and was happy about it. That day was a turning point. I decided I would take the captain's chair back. 

How did I get it back? It wasn't all that hard really. After all, she didn't want it in the first place. For me It started when the kids asked to have friends for sleepovers. Instead of saying "ask your mom," I made the decision myself. That led to making other decisions. Soon, my wife was deferring to me asking if it was ok for the kids to do X or for her to buy Y.

Relationship comfort was another area I completely lacked in. Sure I cooked and cleaned, shoveled snow etc, but that was too impersonal. I changed that by putting notes in her lunch, bringing flowers now and then for no reason or just spur of the moment lunch dates in the park. She loves those things. 

Once we finally moved, we had projects to work on and I could finally let my wife see what I'm good at. That in itself added RC and more respect. She got to see me doing manly stuff and at times was amazed I knew what I knew. 

During the last 18 months I took sex issues to phase 4 and there was also another issue involving her sister in-law that had a phase 4 moment. I was ready to walk both times and knew I would be fine. Those issues were resolved through communication and are now non issues. 

My last real hurdle was dealing with the way my wife dressed at home. She would always look great going to work then come home and put rags on. She would change into nice clothes if she had to run out but when she came home it was right back into the rags. 

When I finally had enough I told her she looked like a fucking slob. It probably wasn't the best way to deal with it but it was effective. I did apologize for the way I dealt with it and she has since been dressing nice and seems to enjoy it. 

This last year and a half has had a lot of ups and downs. But has been worth the effort. We communicate more, we do things together and our sex life is better than it's ever been. Frequency is kind of all over the place whereas sometimes it's once a week, other times it's four times or more. 

We are now at a stage where neither one of us really initiate. We go to bed, cuddle and sex happens.

For the last 4 or 5 months now my wife has been getting hot flashes and sleeping naked. When she first started she told me it doesn't mean she wants more sex she just wants to be comfortable. Guess what? She does want more sex! 

I'm now at a point where I'm not sure what is left. Everything in my marriage is going great. Do I just maintain? Do I delve into new hobbies? I honestly don't know. 
 
I'll probably revisit this thread in another 6 months or so and see if I can update it. 

Athol_Kay

nubby said:

I'm now at a point where I'm not sure what is left. Everything in my marriage is going great. Do I just maintain? Do I delve into new hobbies? I honestly don't know. 

That's up to you. What do you want to do?

nubby

For the time being I will maintain what I'm doing but make a conscious effort to make sure things only improve in my marriage. 
I will however be setting my sights on increasing the number of weekly workouts and decreasing the belly bulge. 

IrishGypsy

An inspiration to us all Nubby.  Well done and long may it continue.

nubby

@IrishGypsy thanks. I contribute my success to the fact I acted early enough and owned my shit. That said, I don't think my marriage was as bad as I had thought. It was bad enough though that action was warranted.  

My wife never wanted to lead and it was the nice guy syndrome that made me hand it over. She seems much happier now that I have taken over the lead again. It's almost like she yearned for the original me to come back. Well, I'm baaaaccckkkk!!!