Help?

scaredyetgood

Hello everyone,
My wife and I have been trying to build a better marriage for some time now. I have been reading both of the books sold here and they are very good. We keep on having our ups and downs. I feel threatened by my wife's success and the lack of my own. I know it's frustrating for her to see me not succeed as well.

Here is my issue for the morning. It really hurts. My w wants me to stop smoking because we can't afford it. I told her the reason I started was out of frustration because of our lack of sx. I asked if we could have sx just once a week, yes, just once a week, that would really help me stay off the smokes. She thought that was an unreasonable request. Really? I am so hurt! Am I that undesirable that she doesn't want to do that? I know she enjoys it when we do it. How do I deal with this? I am so hurt!

I am working on the MAP and will post soon.

DaddyOh

Do you want to stop smoking (for you)?

Scarlet

You can't bargain for sex. It never works. Quit smoking because you value your health.

Welcome to the forums. It would be very helpful for you to answer the triage questions found in the second section here: http://marriedmansexlife.com/triage-your-relationship-and-the-911-er-category/

We need the bigger picture in order to give you advice, because nothing ever happens in isolation. 

Mongrel

scaredyetgood said:

 I asked if we could have sx just once a week, yes, just once a week, that would really help me stay off the smokes. She thought that was an unreasonable request. Really? I am so hurt! Am I that undesirable that she doesn't want to do that? I know she enjoys it when we do it. How do I deal with this? I am so hurt!

Haven't finished the books yet, have you?
MMSL 101:  STFU about sex. That was a overt contract for sex. Contracts for sex never work. We don't ask for sex, we initiate.
Read more. You have work to do.

frillyfun

Don't blame shift, and don't make her responsible for your behavior.  You smoke because you like nicotine, and lack the fortitude to handle situations like a grownup. They don't give you super powers.

Smokers smell- they're not attractive to non-smokers.  The last time I bought a pack of smokes in NYC it was something like $14, and that was several years ago.  I can see where that would add to your financial difficulties.

Buy an e-cig if you can't live without nicotine. You'll save a ton of money, and smell better.  I smoked 2 packs a day, and quit with one.  I love nicotine too, but I don't blame anyone else for my life choices.

HildaCorners

There's one reason why you're not having enough sex (we spell it out here) — your wife is not attracted to you.

There may be several reasons why she is not attracted, and most of them are things you have full control over.

A triage will help us pinpoint the reasons and what you need to do.

scaredyetgood

So basically, it's all about me becoming better for me and no one else? That does make sense.

Tiger

Welcome @scaredyetgood‌,

Yea, you need to be the best version of yourself for you.  It's also about not being dependent on others.  Your original message was written by a man who is dependent on his wife to be able to quit smoking, and who started smoking because he was dependent upon his wife.

Stand on your own feet, be a man who quits smoking because you don't want to be a smoker anymore and is not dependent on the actions of your wife in order to succeed at that.  That man is far more attractive and much more fun to have sex with.

It sounds like you have had some setbacks in your life, want to unpack those and talk about them?

 I feel threatened by my wife's success and the lack of my own.

Frank_London

1. don't complain about lack of sex.
2. don't bargain for sex.
3. if your wife doesn't smoke, then don't smoke.
4. if you can't afford to smoke, then don't smoke.
5. if you have financial problems, don't wait for your wife to have to explain to you the bleeding obvious. Take the lead. Fix your finances. (of course this is easier said than done.... I realize that... but be the guy who has a plan)

seriously

Smoking as a substitute for sex?  Really?  Sounds like your hamster is pretty strong.

I think you are rationalizing your bad habit.  Its an incredibly unattractive quality.

mark

It's great that you want to quite smoking.  But people don't smoke because they don't have enough sex.  Nicotine addiction can be very strong, and you can't beat it by blaming someone else for it.  You need to take ownership of the issue.  I realize nicotine addiction can very difficult to beat, so I'm not trying to say it will be easy.  There are issues here that go much deeper thant smoking.  reading the books and working the program are a good start.  But taking ownership of your actions and is probably the most important step.    

Athol_Kay

scaredyetgood said:

Here is my issue for the morning. It really hurts. My w wants me to stop smoking because we can't afford it.

There's two issues there.

(1) Smoking is going to be a negative to her attraction.

(2) Being broke is going to be a negative as well.

scaredyetgood

You all make sense.
My wife and I are really disconnected to each other. We get close once in a while, but she really has a double standard with me. It's okay for her to freak out at family members but I can't. She doesn't seem connected to me emotionally either. She is on a high horse and never seems to think she makes mistakes. It's only me who makes the mistakes. She laughs it off when I bring to light her mistakes. It's really annoying. She got that from her mom.

I have been financially dependent on my wife for sometime now. I understand that's a big turn off! But that's just the way things turned out. I started working for a few week again. Hopefully my time spent sending out resume will turn into a new job. But since I have been working again I have become much more efficient with my time around the home. I'm cooking and cleaning more and even early in the morning.

DarKeyes

it's not OK for her to freak out at family members. You need to shut that down.

bottom line, you are talking and "dealing" too much with her. She is not your boss, and she is not your partner. You are the boss, even if she makes more money.

Mongrel

She's the leader; not you.
I'd bet you are afraid of making her angry. Learn to not let that bother you. If Princess is mad for a day or two because you did something to call out bad behavior that's her problem. She'll learn quickly when her unnecessary anger doesn't have the same effect as it used to. That's Outcome Independence. You need to master it.

scaredyetgood

I like the idea of being Outcome Independent. I am trying to live it. It's freeing.

scaredyetgood

I'm trying to be less emotionally needy and financially dependent on my wife. This part time job has really helped! Although it's below my skill set, just working alone has increased my self esteem and productivity. I'm cooking, cleaning and just feeling better all the way around.

I just hope I can start over and be successful once this job ends. I know this is possible even in my 50s. It's not as easy as it would be if I was younger, but it's still possible.

As for my wife's attraction towards me, I need to be a successful man once again.