Long Time Reader/Lurker.... Divorce or fight, what more can I do?

CartB4Horse

I don't recall ever seeing someone handle this as well as you have.  I didn't read any self doubt or overly beta tail chasing.

I had flash backs and went thru hell ten years after my (now Ex) wife's affair.  Work on yourself now so that you don't do the same.

Very well done.

Doubting_Thomas

I have no idea what her plans are with OM.  I imagine they are in some type of romantic relationship.  But that's her business.  I don't ask.  As long as she's a doing her best to be a good mother to my son, she can do what she pleases.

It's not really about worrying if she's with another man.  I see this as having two choices.  Divorce or Fight for the marriage.

I simply had no desire to be the captain of that boat.  I tried to 'will' myself to have it. I read a lot of Stoicism, to try to accept her nature.  But in the end, I had to accept my nature.  

Doubting_Thomas

Three month later update.  The house sold in one weekend.   Realtor wanted me to do a little bit more then I originally estimated.  But it was good advice, because it sold quick.  My biggest concern about keeping it pristine with a toddler was a non-issue.

After debating on where to live for the last 3-4 months, I've decided I'm going rent.  Looking for a two bedroom townhome, there are a couple of options, so I'm getting ready to sign a lease...  I can relax and not have to worry about maintenance/remodeling.  I'll probably start exploring a new job, so no reason to buy.

Have my 1st relationship going with my niece's coworker.  We seem to hit it off, so that's nice, but I'm looking to keep it very casual, and don't want to get into anything exclusive.  She's nice to hang out, but I'm not ready for any type of commitment.  

I also started to to see a therapist.  I had a slip up and got intimate with the ex.  She knows how to push my buttons, and vice versa.  It was all about the physicality for me, because I still have no desire to rekindle a relationship.

Doubting_Thomas

I settled on the house a couple of weeks ago.  I thought it would be emotionally difficult, but it was largely a relief.  

It’s been 11 months since I found out.  331 days of a nightmare.  I still wake up in disbelief.  Is this my life?  How did I get here?  Why are we not a family?  Going from the happiest I’ve ever been to severe depression in a moment is …well heartbreaking.  

Divorce is hard, especially with a small child.  Having to be friendly to someone you'd rather just not deal with seems to prolong the grieving process.  The friendly times remind you of the good times, and the heart yearns for the good times.

But that reality is gone.  The reality of me truly caring about her, and her thoughts, and her actions, gone.  I want a love that picks me up when I'm down, not one that takes me and throws me into the deepest pit I've ever been in.  If that's the reality of love and marriage, I don't want any part of it.  

My brain isn't able let it go.  It's like my brain's operating system is always running a background program.  system_run(Failed_at_Marriage)  I failed at marriage.  I failed at the person I loved the most.  I still have no idea why she did this...  I tell myself that this is a stepping stone.  I'll get past this and be wiser/stronger.  I have a couple of females who are very eager to 'hang out', but it's already a chore.  I'd rather read and get a good nights sleep.  

Everything I do is a distraction from my life.  Food, Friends, Beer, Sports, Gym, Meditation, Books, Work, Women.  Is life just one big distraction, and then you die?  What am I doing with my life?  

No-one gets 'it.'  Shit, I still don't even get 'it.'  Being stabbed in the back by your best friend.  Where's the lesson in that?

Betterman

Time heals. I know you want to punch me in the face for saying it, but I have been where you are and it's true.

the pain remains for a long long times, but the periods where you aren't thinking about it get longer and longer until it's gone.

cry, lift weights, talk to friends, run.! Look after your kids.  Don't rush to dating, it will happen when it happens.  Don't do the rebound LTR, it's a disaster.

there is no logical "why", there is just messy old life.  Stop looking for the why or you will go crazy.  Same as there are no whys for. Car crash or cancer, you just deal.

feel for you bro.  Manly hugs.

soa2005

@Betterman said

"there is no logical "why", there is just messy old life.  Stop looking for the why or you will go crazy.  Same as there are no whys for. Car crash or cancer, you just deal."

The above statement is very insightful. Many of us who have experienced similar situations have spent countless hours analyzing and dissecting in an attempt to answer the "why" question.

For me, on a good day, I can look at what I went through and attempt to logically piece together what went wrong to lead to the situation. Again, on a good day, I can attempt to make sense of everything. I'll have a little back and forth in my brain debating the what ifs, or the would have, should have, and could haves. 

On a bad day, when I'm hurting or angry, it is nearly impossible for me to make any rational sense of the situation and I am back at the square one of "why". 

As time goes on I have consistently better days for longer periods of time and find that I am no longer preoccupied with the "why". I don't know that you ever find closure in really bad situations but as time goes on the bad memories, and feelings associated with them, fade more and more.

WhereWasI

Sorry for your pain. 

Athol_Kay

I disagree on there being no "why". The entire point of MMSL is that there are "whys" to be found and used to make relationships better.

In terms of "why", I'd start looking at the age gap between you. She was three years older which almost always suggests some kind of flaw in your game/self-worth going into the relationship.

The thing where she flipped out on her spending/shopping and gave you control of her money is interesting too. It means she's struggling to maintain self-control and is majorly dopamine seeking. Usually what happens though is the dopamine seeking just pops up in some other manner.

Pregnancy and newborns are always a factor in relationship stress. I'd wonder if there was a birth control change as well.

There may be no particular explanation of why she made the choice she did in the moment, but there usually are some basic explanations for the situation as a whole. The answers may not be particularly enjoyable, but if you consider this to be an essentially random act, that will make all your interactions with women in the future very guarded.

Doubting_Thomas

Looking back she was bored (lack of dopamine ) with adjusting to our lifestyle with a newborn.  I thought she was getting dopamine rushes from the newborn through breastfeeding, and cut her some slack.  I did consider uping the 'alpha' but that didn't feel right.

I did start to "up the beta", and agreed to get a housekeeper, helping more with morning/nighttime routines etc.

Could my game be tighter?  Absolutely.  But I don't see a flaw in my game or self-worth.  If I had a true flaw in either of these categories, we would be in counseling working on our 'relationship.'  I had enough self-worth to leave, and enough game that I have 2 women in my life without much effort. Having game/self-worth are tools to increase outcome independence, and my actions in the past year have proved my OI.  

She doesn't like conflict.  We had the simplest stress free divorce imaginable.  Our marriage was like that too, and I enjoyed it, but thinking about it, there were probably things bubbling under that she wasn't able to say for whatever reason.  I have a tendency to be blunt/harsh, and that could've scared her from revealing her true feelings.  

I've been in drama filled relationships in the past, and they are no fun.  I enjoyed the drama-free one, and it was one of the reasons I married her.  But it was a rouse by deception.  

Athol_Kay

Breastfeeding isn't a dopamine rush for women.

If you got together at age 23M and 26F, it means you at 23 undervalued yourself then. The question is why. And why did she get into a relationship with a younger guy.

Doubting_Thomas

You are right about the rush but there is a dopamine/breastfeeding connection.  After some quick googling dopamine is inhibited while breastfeeding.  She wasn't getting any dopamine rush, and hence the boredom.  

I still disagree with you on the whole age thing.  You can't see how a 23 year old man would be attracted to a 26 year old woman?  And vice versa.  We met in the gym, both in great shape. From there a relationship blossomed and I found someone I really connected with...

I just don't see it as this big value/ self worth issue.  Attraction is not a choice...

crosshatch

I'm about 6 months behind you in divorce and it will not be simple for me. But instead of telling me he was cheating when we had a 6 month old, he kept his secret life for almost 20 years. Let yourself grieve. The monk stuff has its time and its place.  Give yourself an afternoon to grieve, to cry.

"My brain isn't able let it go.  It's like my brain's operating system is always running a background program.  system_run(Failed_at_Marriage)  I failed at marriage.  I failed at the person I loved the most.  I still have no idea why she did this...  "

You and she failed at your marriage.  What did you bring to it?  What did she bring to it?  When she gutted it, destroyed its very foundation, you wanted to repair. Think about that for a moment.

If she is bored with a newborn she has some serious selfishness issues going on.  My STBXH only engaged with me (or the kids) on his terms, not for their needs.  Took me a long time to figure that out.   

If you look back over your relationship, is that a pattern with you too?

You also mentioned conflict and "I have a tendency to be blunt/harsh, and that could've scared her from revealing her true feelings. "

Her fear is hers to manage. Could you work on how your handle yourself?  Absolutely.  She could have started with feeling uncomfortable sharing her feelings ... you could go to MC, there are couples communications workshops. The thing is there are paths she could follow if she valued herself in being treated well and if she valued treating you well.  It doesn't sound like she was good at either of those.

Sorry it didn't work out.  

Doubting_Thomas

Random slightly over a year update.  Individual counseling has been good.  After my 1st go with a counselor I dismissed it, but I tried someone else with a recommendation from a friend. It's been very beneficial.  I go about once a month now, which seems to be working out.

I'm starting to 'feel' like myself.  Kicking ass at work.  Kicking ass in the gym, meditating, yoga, basketball, getting quality sleep.  

I've also been experimenting with limiting porn.  I'm at once a week.  I don't think I had a huge issue with it, but it has helped with motivation, and a definite push to go approach real life women. 

My son is doing well by all accounts.  I'm pretty confident in my parenting skills.  The older he gets the easier it is.  His mom has been reasonable when it comes to flexibility and putting his needs first, which is all I can ask.

I think I'm at a point where I'm genuinely enjoying my current life. I'm sure I'll have moments of anger/denial/etc in the future, but at this point, I'm keeping the positive momentum going.

CartB4Horse

Run a MAP, improve yourself.

I wondered what had happened after my first wife had an affair and our marriage imploded.  It took me running a MAP and ten years to be able to not only look at my first marriage and figure out what went wrong as well as what to do to ensure it won't happen again.

Doubting_Thomas

18.5 months since i found out and 13.5 months since divorce was been finalized.

Decided to try some online dating. Met one person i'm interested in seeing again.  She's 35, 3 years older.  (theme?)  Divorced/no kids, and her situation was finalized about the same time as me last year.  School counselor, in amazing shape, workouts 6-7 days a week, and likes to eat healthy and delicious food.  We have a 2nd date to go out and get $1 tacos Thu night.  

My biggest concern is the no kids.  Just using my math skills, she's going to be wanting a serious relationship quickly.  I'm open to children, I really do love them, but am also tentative about trust /vulnerability.  Luckily I have a son, which is a great 'slow down' can't hang out tonight buffer.  But i'm def going to enjoy seeing her again, and will cross that bridge when the time comes.

I'd say that my confidence is back, and it may be better then ever.  All the monk mode and work on myself has paid dividends.  It feels like I'm in the matrix.  I see the code, and up to me if I want to pursue or not. I am an active story teller, quick witted, engaging, and like to ask deep questions.  I was the class clown in high school, so making people laugh has never been a problem.  

Oh and being 6'4?  It's a yyuge advantage. Wow you are tall, is normally the 1st thing I get.  I follow up with, and you actually look like your pictures, with a high 5! 

I've actually had to hit pause on the the online dating, as I have more dates then free time.  I'm not sure how many plates i can spin at once.  Right now i'm at about 4-5, and it seems like my max.  Can't imagine more.  

With all that said....  I am in a really good place.  I think i really am going to enjoy this summer!  Going to make it one to remember!  

fordsvt

4-5 plates.  You Da Man brother.  
Just take things slow and don't rush into a new heavy relationship.  Go have some fun
just remember to wear a rain hat.  Haha