Do I stay or do I go?

MaxwellSmart

I have a conundrum. I have tried to internalize the sage advice here and have already put it to good use. I have really as many dates as I want if I'm less than very selective. Even being selective, I can get new dates when/if I wish, and I'm essentially spinning 3 plates (more than that is too exhausting!). For various reasons #1 and 2 I can already tell are not LTR material.  My problem is #3 who I DO think is LTR material. We’ve dated intermittently for 8 months. She is truly everything I would look for in a LTR.  She is 7 years younger. Awesome body, physically fit, loves to do all the things I do, is outdoorsy, cultured, educated, has a very nice personality, has a responsible well paying job, superb girl game - dresses to kill. She's uninhibited and pretty enthusiastic in the sack. Congruent religion, background, languages and even politics!.  My friends and family like her.  So whats the problem you say? She is very sweet and loving when we are together but poorly/rarely communicates when we are apart. More to the point, she claims she just doesn’t have time to fit a relationship into her crazy life despite also saying she always enjoys our time together. She has an elderly mom she has to look after miles away. She has a junior in high school at home that she has to motivate to study and she is your typical hovering parent in making sure everything is done for him. The son is evidently very needy (and in my opinion needs a good male role model). They are both very estranged from the father with whom this gal has a bad relationship. The Ex also provides very little time/emotional support for the son.  She has a second older son (26) who just moved out of the house and is no longer available to be surrogate father.  The Ex is older, was domineering, and cheated on her. ( I would bet at that point she already wasn’t sleeping with him!). She has a demanding and responsible job in the financial sector which takes time as well. I’ve learned to alpha up, while also providing beta. I think I’m fairly decent at it even if one can always improve. So my conundrum – do I interpret her actions as “playing hard to get – I want you to try harder to get me”, and to act accordingly, or do I just say to her “I respect your  priorities, and feel free reach out to me when you are available, otherwise I’ll just do my own thing”.  I’d love to tell her I’d like her to be more in my life and myself in hers…but would that be too DLV? In the meantime…I have lots of ladies very eager to meet me, so I know I am successfully avoiding oneitis.   I know SF64 and others have said that you know she's right for a LTR...when she makes your life LESS complicated and just better. So I guess by that metric I should be at a minimum walking out nicely and hoping in the future she decides I am the man she is looking for (assuming I don't find someone better in the meantime). I should mention for those who will ask...I'm 56. I have a high SR probably 9 for my age, and likely balances her relative SR at age 49.

Advice folks?

EANx

First, paragraphs

While we always say to watch actions and not words, I'd say they're congruent here. She doesn't do a whole lot of reaching out when you aren't together and she says she doesn't have time for a relationship.

I'd suggest that you might not be avoiding oneitis as much as you think you are.

Ask her out when you want and have fun but until either her actions or words change, this girl probably doesn't want an official LTR with you.

RebuildingHusband

Perhaps you're a plate to her?  Seems she's playing the game well. 

MaxwellSmart

1. Sorry, will do paragraphs next time!

2. I continue to date and even tonight have been chatting with one gal, and texting with another setting up dates. Saw one of my plates last night for a fine time. As the saying goes...when you've dated awhile, you realize who is a quality woman and who not. I appreciate her quality while I don't think I'm getting overly drawn into oneitis.

3.  Yes, it has occurred to me she is playing me as a plate...but somehow I think not. Objectively however, there is no way to know. I'm everything a single woman in this SMP would want - high SR, excellent job/status, intelligent, cultured, good looking, healthy, good banter, sense of humor. My self confidence is now very high. And I am appropriately forward and unapologetic about my sexual advances. And when I'm in bed, I just have fun, and go to pound town and more.

ThomasB

If you're having fun spinning plates, keep her spinning and add another of her level of quality.

Or are you trying to settle into an LTR?

Maria

Or...
If I were a plate and knew it that's what I'd do to guard myself. Absolutely, totally. Sound boundaries.

It wouldn't be smart to prioritize a relationship, be available and invest a lot of relationship comfort when I were one of many.

It looks to me your girlfriend is living a full life and you are a small, fun part of it. Doesn't mean she's spinning plates, too, just enjoying the kind of relationship you have to offer.

Version3

Just one comment: expressing your true feelings doesn't have to be a DLV. Too many guys think they'll come off as needy, when it can be very alpha to say, "I like you and want to spend more time with you." What's needy about that? Be clear and direct. It's more of a DLV to stress over "should I or shouldn't I?" than to just make a decision to get info and act.

Tiberius

I think EANX has a point, you sound pretty oneitis'y to me.

also, I think you should consider that with her busy lifestyle, perhaps she's giving you all of the "good" stuff that she can, and were you to be with her 24/7 you would find she is telling the truth and just doesn't have the time/energy/whatever to be that girl all the time.

I'd say ditch #1 and #2, get a few new plates, hope in the back of your mind that when her son goes off to college #3 starts trying to put in effort to see you more often and make it a thing.

Slipangle

The child of concern is a junior in high school. You have a year and a half until the child graduates. I think the bottom line is you need to ask yourself if you want to maintain the status quo for that duration.

EANx

@Moonstone what part of my comment did you think was off topic?

Ben

You're a "plate" only insofar as her family and her work are her other plates.  She's giving you all the time and energy she has to give you.  If she talks like she doesn't want an LTR and she acts like she doesn't want an LTR, then she's not LTR material, and it doesn't matter what else she has going for her.

What are your goals?  Not with this woman, but in general?  Are you spinning plates while you search for LTR material, with the ultimate goal of upgrading one of them?  Or are you spinning plates to spin plates, because you enjoy it and that's the lifestyle you want?

LazyAlpha

I'd suggest staying in touch with her until after her youngest is out of the house.  Her whole perspective on wanting to put more energy into a LTR may change dramatically when the nest is empty.

ThomasB

@Slipangle‌ and @Tiberius‌: if she's that much of a child- enabler, that junior has five to eight left in that house. 

MaxwellSmart

Thank you all (belatedly) for your comments; very insightful. Shortly after I wrote this discussion, she emailed me to apologize that she had made the difficult decision to reconcile with her previous long time boyfriend who had begged her to give him a second chance and  return to him. She said she wasn't sure if she was making the right decision, but this is what she was doing. This explains her odd behavior these last two months (before my post)...so in a sense I was a plate, although she had wonderful parting words to say. I in turn wished her happiness, and told her my door would be open until I'm off the market for good....I have since moved on, but she was as they say a keeper for a LTR... I had our first email exchange since the parting today  (4 months)..very friendly. As Tiberius suggested...I'll keep in occasional touch just in case....