"separated"

Dod

Has anyone had trouble getting dates because their online profile shows "separated"?  

I am wondering how much of an obstacle this is.  
 

LL80

I'll be honest and say that in my foray into online dating I actually wouldn't even reply to messages from men who were listed as separated.  I wanted to go on dates with men who were at least open to the possibility of a relationship and separated ones aren't.  I actually went on a few dates with a guy before he told me he had lied and listed himself as divorced when he wasn't yet, and even still shared a house with his wife, and that he didn't want any kind of relationship at that point.  That I got, but the lying up front was what bothered me.  I'm sure there are women who would be fine with that situation (and in his case there were - I don't think he had any trouble after that) but you should be up front and date the ones who are OK with that, because they do exist.

Version_Two

Use okcupid and tinder, you cannot list you are separated.

Angeline

Unless you explain some kind of extenuating circumstances in your profile, like providing health care for an ex or stepkids, something, whrn i was online dating I'd put people who dated while separated into the infidelity pile. Be fully married until you are not, etc. The guy I dated in that situation was in no way ready to date anyway. 

Dod

Version_Two said:

Use okcupid and tinder, you cannot list you are separated.

Have you tried tinder?  How is it?

ThomasB

I've done well with both OKC and Tinder, and I'm separated (court on the 22nd). I reveal that information on the first date. 

I've had no trouble attracting women -- some of whom are separated and some who aren't, even a polyamorous woman.

I presume you're not looking for an LTR at this point. 

JellyBean

When GE and I met on Match, I was separated and listed myself that way. I guess it wasn't an issue for him because we are married now.

JellyBean

"Separated" can mean "married but playing around" or "the divorce is all done except for the paperwork getting finalized in front of the judge" or a multitude of things in between. 

HildaCorners

I would talk to men listing separated, or who said the divorce was not yet final, but I needed assurance that 1) the divorce was in process, 2) their marriage was completely dead.

I went on a couple coffee dates during the period when my divorce was in the period between negotiations and the final decree. In my state, there's a mandatory 12 month waiting period if there are kids involved, and this can be a long time.

@Dod, I would list as "divorced" but state as soon as possible that you're actually "all but the final papers" divorced.

never_again

I wouldn't contact women on POF or OKC if they listed separated.  Not my thing.

The woman I'm dating right now (met offline) is separated 4 years, but living in separate houses.  He has serious health issues so she has assisted him in driving to dr appt in other cities (he doesn't drive due to medical) about once/month.  She said neither of them have family in this country and she doesn't feel right abandoning him to his health issues.  This year (before I met her) she moved to my city, one hour from his.   Beyond that she has no contact with him and the kids are grown.  

Version3

Different types of "separated" exist, and many women understand that. In NC everyone has to be separated a year before finalizing the divorce, so people give leeway. I had no trouble dating when separated that year, but some women did turn me down because of it.

PhilosophicEntrepren

When you have limited choices, you need to choose the one that best describes your situation. Some people screen out "separated", thinking that it means the "trial separation" kind. If there's no going back, you're not trying to reconcile, etc., then Divorced is a more accurate description than Separated.

I listed myself as Divorced. I had moved out, papers were filed, reconciling was not a consideration...I was as divorced as could be, just waiting for the court to finalize it, which was gonna take a long while, with her attorney regularly taking a month to respond to even the smallest issues.

That always became clear in our email exchanges or first date. Out of dozens of dates, nly one girl seemed to have a problem with it (a paralegal who ran a background check on me to see how long ago I'd filed!), and she still went on future dates with me. If she hadn't been incredible in bed, that background check woulda bothered me more, though.

EANx

I'm willing to give someone the benefit of the doubt long enough to get more info in email. The ones that bother me though are those that are "separated" but still live in the same house. Sorry, my definition of separated involves more than 30 feet of distance.

Version_Two

Dod said:

Version_Two said:

Use okcupid and tinder, you cannot list you are separated.

Have you tried tinder?  How is it?

Tinder has been great for me.   I've had a bunch of dates, I have another setup soon.   I even had one short term (3 month) relationship with someone who is also separated. 

Ben

Ms. Plato was listed as separated when we met, and it came out on our first date that she was still living with her ex.  If she'd said that in her profile I probably would not have messaged her.  For whatever that's worth.

bjornagain

I was the poster child for seperated.  marriage dead but complicated by kids joint finances and selling the ho.estead. jumped way too early and listed as seperated. met the most wonderful woman but because of the complications it crashed and burned after a few months. completely my fault.
she was amazing and if I had waited til I was ready it could have grown into something. then again a year later our paths would not have crossed but that is the way of the universe.

the moral is make sure the person seperated is truly seperated and not just deluding hemselves. second chances are rare and both parties must be ready to grab them with both hands.

IceMan

Ben said:

Ms. Plato was listed as separated when we met, and it came out on our first date that she was still living with her ex.  If she'd said that in her profile I probably would not have messaged her.  For whatever that's worth.

I listed separated while stbx was still living at home. First woman I met online called me on it and wanted to be very clear about what separated meant. I was honest with her about my situation and she was understanding but would not see me in person until I filed for divorce and I was actually separated. Didn't work between us but I have to say that was a DHV for her and I appreciated the frank discussions that followed.

I did get ahead of myself when I setup my profile. I didn't expect to meet someone right away and stbx was taking a long time to leave. I would not put that information on the profile because it indicates too much drama but I was honest about that information with women when contact continued. 

For whatever that is worth. 

DaddyOh

I'm seperated, and will not come near a dating website til my Divorce is final. 

Saying "I'm divorce" is a lot easier than "I'm seperated, buuuuuut..."

Plus, I would be doing my partner a disservice if I was still in the "no men" land. 

That being said, divorce papers move at the speed of molasses, it does get frustrating. 

bjornagain

worse in Canada because seperation has to be a year even if the parties agree.

PhoenixDown

bjornagain said:

worse in Canada because seperation has to be a year even if the parties agree.

It's like that in some states down here too. 

Hamster_Free

In separation - I've actually dated almost exclusively from the separated pool.  Not surprisingly, that's not going terribly well from a LTR standpoint..but I'm kind of OK with that for now.  I'd really love to move on and find the kids a step dad they can look up to, buuut--there's this other mess I still have to clean up.  So I'm a separated mom who goes out every once in a while.  I guess bottom line for me is the line 'separated' means casual dating because you really can't expect anything more at that point.  But separated also needs to mean full separation - nothing says DLV like 'shhh, my STBX is sleeping upstairs'...  gah.