I have two friends who were cheated on when their husbands went out and said they were separated. They clearly stated "not living together and almost divorced" to the new ladies but what it meant was "living with my wife who has no clue there's any problems here". One had no kids and decided to end the marriage. The other had kids and wanted to save the marriage so she decided to confront the OW only to find out she had been lied to about his relationship status.
Point being, "separated" might have too much wiggle room. It made them feel less dishonest because they weren't lying and saying they *weren't* married, even if they were lying about everything else.
I am separated and this has become an issue for me. I made a date with one woman but when she found out I was separated she canceled the date. A second woman replied to my email but said that she would not go out with me until I was divorced. And just now I had a coffee date with a truly beautiful, smart, interesting woman, and she said that she does not date separated men and to call her when I am divorced. It is frustrating. I met with my lawyer and she has finished it and will be sending it to my ex this week. Ugggh. I am using OKCupid and you cannot list separated there. But when someone asks I am not going to lie to them, and I am not going to list myself as divorced when that is not true.
Seriously though, being separated means many things to many people. And women will have valid concerns.
Are you going to patch things up with the ex?
Are you still sleeping with the ex?
Will you be involved in fighting over the division of assets?
Is the ex BSC?
Do you have shit sorted out?
Are the papers signed?
And let's face it, there are plenty of shifty guys out there being less than honest. Married and sleeping on the couch is not separated unless you actually discuss it with your spouse.
When I started dating my STBX I was separated. I was ready to date, but my online profile wasn't going over well with separated in it, so I took it out. Met the STBX, didn't mention being married, had a good date, then let her know by the next date. She was hooked by then.
The problem with online dating is that you list a bunch of shit that your potential date wouldn't know if you met in real life. If you don't list separated, you're dishonest, if you do, then you're not an option.
"Hi, I think you're cute, here's my number," does not carry the same info stream as a page long profile that lists whether you would date a woman who lists herself as a BBW.
The woman I met tonight was through OKCupid which does not have the option to list separated. I explained to her that I have been separated for over a year and have a separation agreement waiting to be signed, but she said that she had dated a guy who was separated and it the process dragged on forever. It annoyed me because of all the women I have met for a date, she really got my motor running. I will be surprised if she is still single by the time I am divorced. I also feel like I wasted both her time and mine by meeting her today. For me it was practice so thats ok I guess. I was thinking about adding a disclaimer in my profile saying that I am almost divorced. Arrrgh.
It's frustrating. That's one of the reasons everyone says to wait until the divorce is final.
I'm in the same boat as you. I'd like to date eventually, but it would be easier to wait.
Might be easier to look for some younger women in the "not looking for a relationship" category.
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HildaCornersWinter? You call *that* winter?Gold WomenPosts: 3,377
"Separated" is a slippery slope.
It can mean anything from:
"I've decided to stop having sex with him and will file for divorce when the kids are grown but meanwhile we're sleeping together" to:
"I have a restraining order against the abusive BSC bastard but he's fighting and things have been dragging out forever." [I know a woman whose divorce took 10 years ... fortunately she found a man who understood.]
The trick is to figure out 1) where in the separation continuum your date is; 2) if they are being honest; 3) where your own boundaries are.
The women who have an unbreakable rule against dating separated men have probably been burned. You can try convincing them or just accept the fact that there are plenty of others out there and move on.
Also ... while you are separated may be the time to look at very short term relationships. I mentioned picking up single businesswomen in hotel bars half jokingly in another thread ... I was half serious.
Enneagram 5w4. I'm researching what that means, before designing t-shirt art about it.
"I feel no shame in making lavish use of the strongest muscles, namely male ones (but my own strongest muscle is dedicated to the service of men - noblesse oblige). I don't begrudge men one whit of their natural advantages as long as they respect mine. I am not an unhappy pseudomale; I am female and like it that way." RAH
It would be easier if I waited. But I'm sick of waiting. I haven't had sex since December when my ex girlfriend dumped me. I took a 6 month break from the world of women to get my shit together. I am still getting dates and being separated is not an issue for everyone, but it does narrow the field quite a bit. I am seeing a woman tomorrow who knows I am separated. It is our second date. I just needed to vent because the one I saw today was smoking hot and I really liked her.
Oneitis dude. I can smell the desperation from here. You shouldn't be this into someone that you've just met.
Personally I'm not sure if I could do the whole one night stand thing on a regular basis, but maybe consider posting that you're looking for a FWB relationship for a while.
Yeah I know it sounds like I have oneitis. I realize there are other women out there and I am messaging different women and going on dates with different women. I was annoyed because this was the best prospect I have encountered thus far and I got shut down.
I explained to her that I have been separated for over a year and have a separation agreement waiting to be signed, but she said that she had dated a guy who was separated and it the process dragged on forever.
The process dragged on forever? It sounds as if she is way too keen to get into another serious committed relationship as fast as possible ... and I wonder if you are too? You should be dating, but lightly, not looking for "the one", and avoiding women whose first criterion is that the man is immediately available for marriage.
Enneagram type 5 w6.
If I offer lots of advice, it's probably really me giving advice to myself. That always seems to happen.
I explained to her that I have been separated for over a year and have a separation agreement waiting to be signed, but she said that she had dated a guy who was separated and it the process dragged on forever.
The process dragged on forever? It sounds as if she is way too keen to get into another serious committed relationship as fast as possible ... and I wonder if you are too? You should be dating, but lightly, not looking for "the one", and avoiding women whose first criterion is that the man is immediately available for marriage.
I wouldn't date someone who was separated, not because he's not available for marriage, but because he's often not even really available for things that are common and expected in dating. Calling to invite them to something, sleeping/sex at his place, etc. You'd be surprised at the number of people who consider themselves separated who still actually live with their spouse, witness most of this thread. Few things put a damper on the brand new crush feeling of first dating like "I gottta go, my wife is home."
And IME when i was dating someone physically separated and just waiting on the paperwork, even though the paperwork really did come through in both cases, they were both kind of sad and defeated for several months when it became official. Even though both were sure they had moved on. The number of years separated isn't even a guarantee, as that indicates some kind of batshittery in the works somewhere for divorce to get so tangled up, which has repercussions that I personally want no part of.
People who won't date you because you're still married aren't perpetrating something upon you to make you annoyed, and they aren't trying to lock you down. They're just avoiding drama.
Being so laser focused on dating simply because you havent had sex in X months is totally the wrong focus, and is going to set you up for all kinds of bad decisions and nutcases. You will survive.
"Speak your truth." - Scarlet Remember to play! Do the right thing, whether anyone is watching or not. Be married, until you are not.
People who won't date you because you're still married aren't perpetrating something upon you to make you annoyed, and they aren't trying to lock you down. They're just avoiding drama.
Being so laser focused on dating simply because you havent had sex in X months is totally the wrong focus, and is going to set you up for all kinds of bad decisions and nutcases. You will survive.
I was in a bad mood yesterday and needed to vent. I know that it is perfectly reasonable for people to avoid dating those who are separated. I am not laser focused on dating so that I can have sex again, even though I am a red blooded man and I miss having sex. My good friend went through a long divorce and he didn't have sex for over 4 years, so I really should stop whining. I know I will survive. I am just trying to meet different people and keep it light until I find someone i really connect with on more than one level. I don't have a lot of patience. This is an area I am working on.
And IME when i was dating someone physically separated and just waiting on the paperwork, even though the paperwork really did come through in both cases, they were both kind of sad and defeated for several months when it became official. Even though both were sure they had moved on.
Yes, the legal process and the emotional process are two very different things.
Enneagram type 5 w6.
If I offer lots of advice, it's probably really me giving advice to myself. That always seems to happen.
Go with Tinder or the "Casual sex" or "New friends" options on OKC or PoF. The women looking in those areas will be looking for something casual and at emotional arm's length. When I was separated, I had great casual dates and hook ups with a separated woman and a much younger woman who was months away from a work relocation.
I dated a lot of guys while separated, typically only one or two dates. The first separated guy I dated kept going on and on about how he met his wife, the details of their wedding, and how she was being a total bitch about custody of their child. Yikes.
Another "separated" man I dated briefly turned out to be very married. Scumbag.
When I was dating while separated it meant my husband had moved out and was living with his new girlfriend.
I dated a lot of guys while separated, typically only one or two dates. The first separated guy I dated kept going on and on about how he met his wife, the details of their wedding, and how she was being a total bitch about custody of their child. Yikes.
Another "separated" man I dated briefly turned out to be very married. Scumbag.
Yeah...roight.
Pretty much what I think most women are afraid of.
So what made you go on those one or two dates? Something they wrote? Or were they attractive enough that it didn't matter?
Comments
I don't think I want to contemplate "no dating" for two years.
Point being, "separated" might have too much wiggle room. It made them feel less dishonest because they weren't lying and saying they *weren't* married, even if they were lying about everything else.
Seriously though, being separated means many things to many people. And women will have valid concerns.
Are you going to patch things up with the ex?
Are you still sleeping with the ex?
Will you be involved in fighting over the division of assets?
Is the ex BSC?
Do you have shit sorted out?
Are the papers signed?
And let's face it, there are plenty of shifty guys out there being less than honest. Married and sleeping on the couch is not separated unless you actually discuss it with your spouse.
When I started dating my STBX I was separated. I was ready to date, but my online profile wasn't going over well with separated in it, so I took it out. Met the STBX, didn't mention being married, had a good date, then let her know by the next date. She was hooked by then.
The problem with online dating is that you list a bunch of shit that your potential date wouldn't know if you met in real life. If you don't list separated, you're dishonest, if you do, then you're not an option.
"Hi, I think you're cute, here's my number," does not carry the same info stream as a page long profile that lists whether you would date a woman who lists herself as a BBW.
@JellyBean
Have you had experience dating while separated? What about dating separated men?
I'm in the same boat as you. I'd like to date eventually, but it would be easier to wait.
Might be easier to look for some younger women in the "not looking for a relationship" category.
It can mean anything from:
"I've decided to stop having sex with him and will file for divorce when the kids are grown but meanwhile we're sleeping together" to:
"I have a restraining order against the abusive BSC bastard but he's fighting and things have been dragging out forever." [I know a woman whose divorce took 10 years ... fortunately she found a man who understood.]
The trick is to figure out 1) where in the separation continuum your date is; 2) if they are being honest; 3) where your own boundaries are.
The women who have an unbreakable rule against dating separated men have probably been burned. You can try convincing them or just accept the fact that there are plenty of others out there and move on.
Also ... while you are separated may be the time to look at very short term relationships. I mentioned picking up single businesswomen in hotel bars half jokingly in another thread ... I was half serious.
Enneagram 5w4. I'm researching what that means, before designing t-shirt art about it.
"I feel no shame in making lavish use of the strongest muscles, namely male ones (but my own strongest muscle is dedicated to the service of men - noblesse oblige). I don't begrudge men one whit of their natural advantages as long as they respect mine. I am not an unhappy pseudomale; I am female and like it that way." RAH
Personally I'm not sure if I could do the whole one night stand thing on a regular basis, but maybe consider posting that you're looking for a FWB relationship for a while.
You should be dating, but lightly, not looking for "the one", and avoiding women whose first criterion is that the man is immediately available for marriage.
And IME when i was dating someone physically separated and just waiting on the paperwork, even though the paperwork really did come through in both cases, they were both kind of sad and defeated for several months when it became official. Even though both were sure they had moved on. The number of years separated isn't even a guarantee, as that indicates some kind of batshittery in the works somewhere for divorce to get so tangled up, which has repercussions that I personally want no part of.
People who won't date you because you're still married aren't perpetrating something upon you to make you annoyed, and they aren't trying to lock you down. They're just avoiding drama.
Being so laser focused on dating simply because you havent had sex in X months is totally the wrong focus, and is going to set you up for all kinds of bad decisions and nutcases. You will survive.
Remember to play!
Do the right thing, whether anyone is watching or not.
Be married, until you are not.
Email address: angeline.greenwood@att.net
You're but trying to find an LTR, right?
I dated a lot of guys while separated, typically only one or two dates. The first separated guy I dated kept going on and on about how he met his wife, the details of their wedding, and how she was being a total bitch about custody of their child. Yikes.
Another "separated" man I dated briefly turned out to be very married. Scumbag.
When I was dating while separated it meant my husband had moved out and was living with his new girlfriend.
Yeah...roight.
Pretty much what I think most women are afraid of.
So what made you go on those one or two dates? Something they wrote? Or were they attractive enough that it didn't matter?