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  • EANxEANx Local GroupSilver Member Posts: 509
    I paid a little more attention to someone's profile when they said they were separated and if we went on a first date, I wanted clarity regarding their situation. I live in an area with a lot of people from elsewhere so I could see where I may not understand the laws regarding where their divorce is taking place. Some places are fast, others require a year or so before the next stage can progress. One line I wouldn't cross though is "we're separated but living in separate rooms in the same house due to finances." I had no desire to have someone waiting by my truck in the morning telling me to stay away from his wife.
    AngelineHildaCornersReborn
  • TheLoneWandererTheLoneWanderer Vault 101Silver Member Posts: 106
    I added the following to my profile and got a lot more responses:

    "Separated means that the papers have been signed. I also have good references from my ex."

    Seems to be working ok. I still feel like a pariah, but at least some women are getting back to me.

    AngelineHildaCorners
  • AngelineAngeline planting seedsCategory Moderator** Posts: 14,501
    That's a great way to put it (it's true, right? lol). I had no trouble with the separated guys who really, truly were just a few steps away from officially divorced, and that makes it clear that's where you're at. Nicely done!
    "Speak your truth." - Scarlet
    Remember to play!
    Do the right thing, whether anyone is watching or not.
    Be married, until you are not.

    Email address: angeline.greenwood@att.net
    JellyBeanHildaCorners
  • CowboyCowboy In the South, USASilver Member Posts: 1,994
    I've noticed there is very little hesitance at dating separated people where I'm at, but I think that has to do with the laws here. My state requires a separation of a year, minimum, before a divorce can happen. If someone moves back in, even for a few days, the clock restarts. Plus, the only real difference between separation and divorce here is that you can't get remarried while separated. But, all you have to do to be separated is for someone simply to move out; no other legal paperwork is necessary.
    I've heard of people who separate, move on with their lives, and wait for years or simply never go through with the divorce. They don't have to pay for an attorney or go through a convoluted legal mess that way.
    "Men were designed to hunt mammoth. You need to go find your mammoth." --Serenity
    redheaded_woman
  • RebornReborn LondonGold Men Posts: 2,987
    It's very similar here, except 2 years
    Enneagram type 5 w6. 
    If I offer lots of advice, it's probably really me giving advice to myself. That always seems to happen. 
  • TheLoneWandererTheLoneWanderer Vault 101Silver Member Posts: 106
    Here we have a one-year cooling off period,  but it can be backdated.  Once the agreement is signed,  I've officially been separated for five months.  Divorce gets done when it gets done because of the court backlog. 

    Next question, how do you get around starting out a date by answering a bunch of questions about your ex-wife? 

    I'm tempted to say something about leaving it until the second date, so that we can get to know each other first. 
  • AngelineAngeline planting seedsCategory Moderator** Posts: 14,501
    How you talk about your ex is very revealing. Don't duck it, but dont linger, either.
    "Speak your truth." - Scarlet
    Remember to play!
    Do the right thing, whether anyone is watching or not.
    Be married, until you are not.

    Email address: angeline.greenwood@att.net
    Cowboy
  • HildaCornersHildaCorners Winter? You call *that* winter?Gold Women Posts: 3,377
    In my state, it's 1 year + court backlog if there are minor children. My high conflict divorce (custody evaluation, psych hearings, restraining orders) took 18 months. And the aftermath keeps going ...

    As far as what you say about your ex on dates:

    "Things didn't work out ... the marriage is dead but we have to wait for the courts ... we didn't get along ... I don't want to dwell on the past. Let's talk about you."

    Hint: never badmouth your ex. If you can't say good, say "I'd rather not spoil our time together."
    Enneagram 5w4.  I'm researching what that means, before designing t-shirt art about it.

    "I feel no shame in making lavish use of the strongest muscles, namely male ones (but my own strongest muscle is dedicated to the service of men - noblesse oblige). I don't begrudge men one whit of their natural advantages as long as they respect mine. I am not an unhappy pseudomale; I am female and like it that way." RAH
    Cowboy
  • TedDTedD USAMember Posts: 1,587
    Holy crap! I thought PA's 90 day separation was stupid. But a year plus?

    I can easily see how this can be an issue. I had no idea so many states made divorce that drawn out. And for the life of me I don't see the purpose...
    Angelineredheaded_womanKatt
  • TheLoneWandererTheLoneWanderer Vault 101Silver Member Posts: 106
    TedD said:
    Holy crap! I thought PA's 90 day separation was stupid. But a year plus?

    I can easily see how this can be an issue. I had no idea so many states made divorce that drawn out. And for the life of me I don't see the purpose...

    Simple.

     Trial separation. Try to make it work while your ex is banging the town. No thanks. 



    Cowboy
  • BenBen Silver Member Posts: 3,651
    TheLoneWanderer said:

    Next question, how do you get around starting out a date by answering a bunch of questions about your ex-wife?  
    Is that a common problem for you?  I consider it pretty gauche to ask a lot about someone's history on a first date.  I think the closest I've ever gotten was Ms. Plato asking (the date was going VERY well by that point) "How are you still single?"  I answered something like "Well, I wasn't, for a long time," in such a way that it didn't invite further questions, and she didn't ask any.

    I'd look askance at someone who asked a bunch of pointed questions on a first date.  It's pretty tone-deaf.  Those are questions to ask when you're trying to decide whether to go exclusive, not when you're trying to decide whether to have a second date.

    ---

    In the land of the blind, the one-eyed man is king.
    AngelineCowboy
  • HildaCornersHildaCorners Winter? You call *that* winter?Gold Women Posts: 3,377
    TedD said:
    Holy crap! I thought PA's 90 day separation was stupid. But a year plus?

    I can easily see how this can be an issue. I had no idea so many states made divorce that drawn out. And for the life of me I don't see the purpose...
    In the case of a high conflict divorce, it takes all that time, and more to go through the restraining order hearings, custody evaluation interviews, psych evaluations, numerous temporary agreements ... once the lawyers agreed on a final divorce agreement,we had 60 days between the court approval and the final filing.

    That's not so bad ... I know one person whose BSC ex dragged things out for 8 years!
    Enneagram 5w4.  I'm researching what that means, before designing t-shirt art about it.

    "I feel no shame in making lavish use of the strongest muscles, namely male ones (but my own strongest muscle is dedicated to the service of men - noblesse oblige). I don't begrudge men one whit of their natural advantages as long as they respect mine. I am not an unhappy pseudomale; I am female and like it that way." RAH
  • little_beelittle_bee Member Posts: 101
    HildaCorners said:

    In the case of a high conflict divorce, it takes all that time, and more to go through the restraining order hearings, custody evaluation interviews, psych evaluations, numerous temporary agreements ... once the lawyers agreed on a final divorce agreement,we had 60 days between the court approval and the final filing.

    That's not so bad ... I know one person whose BSC ex dragged things out for 8 years!
    My ex managed to drag our divorce out for 5 years.
  • TedDTedD USAMember Posts: 1,587
    In my case there was no contesting.  no real property to split, unless splitting debt counts lol. No custody battle: we decided what was best for the kids ourselves. And PA still required the 90 days, even though she'd been living out of state for months...

    I guess that really was a cakewalk. Helps that my ex wasn't and isn't BSC.
  • TheLoneWandererTheLoneWanderer Vault 101Silver Member Posts: 106
    Ben said:
    TheLoneWanderer said:

    Next question, how do you get around starting out a date by answering a bunch of questions about your ex-wife?  
    Is that a common problem for you?  I consider it pretty gauche to ask a lot about someone's history on a first date.  I think the closest I've ever gotten was Ms. Plato asking (the date was going VERY well by that point) "How are you still single?"  I answered something like "Well, I wasn't, for a long time," in such a way that it didn't invite further questions, and she didn't ask any.

    I'd look askance at someone who asked a bunch of pointed questions on a first date.  It's pretty tone-deaf.  Those are questions to ask when you're trying to decide whether to go exclusive, not when you're trying to decide whether to have a second date.
    Mostly I get asked before the date ever happens, but I did go out with a woman who was recently separated. There was definitely no chemistry so when she started asking questions, I just went with it and we chatted about kids and our exes for a bit.

    Apparently HR managers are dating online for a reason, because I've been "interviewed" by a couple about my status.
    AngelineJohn3
  • dalefdalef Silver Member Posts: 1,963
    Well, my first divorcee had divorced because her H had become an unemployed alcoholic; and by the time we broke up I wasn't getting anything done at work and drinking myself to sleep at night... The next divorcee's H had cheated on her, so I was willing to risk ending up the same way (I didn't, and would not have wanted to, but I could live with it). So I would want to know why the previous marriage failed; no need for a repeat.
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