Looking Toward the Future

Purple

With the end of the year approaching, I find myself looking forward to the next year, and wondering what it will bring.

But then I thought - Its not so much about what the "year" brings to me. Its more about what I get out of the year, based on what I put into it.

For months now, I've been feeling that 2014 has just sorta... sucked. It started with the 10th anniversary of my dad's death, then escalated with a dramatic and horrendous fight with my husband, where I DLV'd all over the place and set myself back several steps. We reconciled, but it took me MONTHS to get my footing back. In February, he treated me very passive aggressively on my birthday, resulting in the most depressing birthday of my entire life. In May, I started looking for divorce attorneys and was reading online about divorce laws in my state. He chose fishing with his dad over spending Mother's Day with me. In June, we had a nice family vacation. In July, he read my diary and discovered an old, deader-than-dead EA from 3+ years ago. Everything took a sudden 180˚ turn. These last 5 months have been... weird, in a positive way. We started trying to conceive a third baby this month. He switched jobs. I've struggled with grief, depression, weight gain, identity crisis, trust issues, abandonment issues, realizing I had no love for myself, and more weight gain. 

The "year" didn't happen to me, though. The only thing that happened this year that I did not play an active part in causing was it being the 10th anniversary of losing my dad. That was going to happen no matter what. Unavoidable. 10 years after he died, there was going to be a decade milestone. I went into it aware of the memories and the pain and the conflicting emotions that were going to crop up. And of everything else that happened this year, Dad's anniversary is the thing I coped with the best, I think.

I went into this year with that feeling of inadequacy and dragging my feet. I wasn't excited about the decade milestone to start the year off with, and I lost my confidence in myself. I set no goals, and I managed to accomplish pretty much exactly that - nothing. There were fun times and terrible times, and things are on an upward trajectory now... but I have the option to make 2015 better. I have the tools to fix the things that I screwed up in the past 12 months.

I don't make New Year's Resolutions. This isn't a "give up junk food and start working out!" sort of thing. I got exactly what I put into 2014, and I don't intend to make the same mistake for next year.

So something to think about; what went right or wrong in 2014, and what are you going to do better in 2015?

SignorePillolaRossa

i didnt 'awesome' the bad parts, i just awesomed 'cus of your awesome approach heading into '15

yeah, there was a lot of bad in '14 ... kinda sucks that specific things i did to step up and lead seem to have been received as beta and set me back ... so i need to recalibrate

will be trying to do better in '15

Purple

Had to do a workout and think about my own answers.

My greatest personal failure in 2014, I think, was failing to believe in myself and love myself enough to stand up for myself. The fights, the birthday fiasco, the Mother's Day thing... none of that would have turned out like it did if I was more vocal about my needs and expectations. I need to work on this. Not just in regards to my husband, but toward my family and his family, and the world in general. Nobody reads minds.

A recent realization is that I have control issues. I don't know if this stems from the lack of faith in people around me, or if I'm just a perfectionist and that's my undoing. I do know that it causes me massive amounts of stress as I take everything on myself when I could be delegating it, or just letting it go. I set too high of a standard for myself, and when I can't reach that standard of perfection, I feel like I suck. I'm sure that not letting people help me even when they offer just comes across like I don't believe they're capable, and I don't think its at all helpful to my kids if I "just do it" and not let them help, because its easier if I do it instead of them doing it and me having to RE-do it. Y'know!?

I'm not sure how to tackle that. I didn't used to be this way - and I was much happier then, and things fell into place more easily then too.

I want to let go and have more FUN next year. We went to Vegas in October, and it was the best time I've had in years! I don't make the time to have nearly enough fun. I fill my time with mundane, unfun, boring, or tedious things.

I've been working on rebooting my MAP these past couple of weeks. I'm hoping I can start creating some positive momentum and have it carry over into the New Year, and carry on throughout the New Year (with continuous nudging and effort from me, of course!). I've learned that you can't just expect your MAP to run itself, even if you've made huge progress. All of that progress can be undone in one evening.

Purple

Thanks @SignorePillolaRossa‌!

My attitude is something that I realized is my own doing! I chose to have such a poor attitude through most of the past year, and I'm not happy with where that got me. I am now choosing to go back to being optimistic and less negative, and I know I will be much happier with what this leads to!

Good luck with your recalibration! You'll rock it, I'm sure of it!