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Do the right thing, whether anyone is watching or not.
Be married, until you are not.
Email address: angeline.greenwood@att.net
I am working hard on not getting sucked back into orbit after having a couple of great sexy romps (I have a tendency to do that). It has been nice having Hubby home with me all the time but I'm being careful to not cut back on the 'me' stuff...although I've missed a couple of workouts so need to correct course on that.
I'll be interested to see how things go for the next couple of weeks before Hubby goes back to work and then see what changes (if anything) once he is back to his regular work routine.
I believe stress is for sure a component here but have not ruled out the low t possibility as a factor as well.
Slow and steady with eyes open
Hubby started back to work on Friday after being off for a month after his surgery. It was kinda nice having him home with me but I think we are both glad we are back to the usual routine.
Good stuff since the last update:
Hubby was a very good patient during his recovery from surgery. He doesn’t fit the stereotype of the ‘sick guy’ who is whiny and needy. He followed doctor’s orders and the recovery was overall very smooth. He is almost allowed to lift heavy stuff again but he’s done a bunch of lighter work around the house during his time off (put up Christmas lights, fixed the faucet in my bathtub, replaced the taps in the guest bathroom, laundry, dishes and even cooked a couple of meals). I stepped up to do the ‘heavy lifting’ stuff for the last month including the animal chores so he didn’t get pounced on or body checked lol. It was pretty cute watching him squirm when we went to the grocery store and he had to stand there and watch me and the checkout girl (a tiny little thing) lift the heavy groceries in and out of the cart. He was so uncomfortable thinking everyone was looking at him and thinking he was a jerk making the girls do all the work. He played it up a bit when we got to the car and ‘told’ me to hurry up and put the groceries in the vehicle while he supervised lol.
Hubby has had a grand total of 2 beers in the last month (and those two were light beer!). He has not had any other drinks to my knowledge. Interestingly the weight is falling off of him! He was worried (and so was I) when the gallbladder came out and he had free reign with food again he might put on a few pounds…but even with the reintroduction of bacon and burgers he has not put any weight on. We talked about it (when I told him one of his shirts was really looking big on him) and he couldn’t understand why his weight was still dropping…I mentioned that he was drinking way more water each day and no beer…all those empty calories are gone. He told me he likes it when I notice (and comment on) the weight loss and I think he got a boost when he went back to work and his colleagues mentioned it too.
We had the first of two Christmas parties this past Friday and I kicked ass with the girl game. I wore a new leopard print dress which is tight and short but I put a long jacket over it and wore tall boots, hair was curled and makeup done…I felt great! I was social during the event (Hubby’s colleagues) and it went very smoothly (I often feel awkward at these events with a bunch of people I don’t know). The second party is on Saturday coming up and my red lace dress will make its debut. I’m actually looking forward to it…want to find something different to do with my hair though.
Hubby did have his appointment with the stress management lady at our doctor’s office. She is a psychologist but specializes in stress management. We didn’t talk to much about the appointment but Hubby seemed positive about it and he has a follow up with her in a couple of weeks.
Not so good stuff:
We had one awesome romp initiated by Hubby and a BJ for him the following day (details in the previous update). There have been no sexytime since then. I stopped initiating a while back as I usually just feel worse after when I do so it turns into a -1 for the relationship anyway. I will respond (with enthusiasm) if Hubby does but I need him to step up here. In the mean time I take care of things myself when I’m climbing the walls. Interestingly Hubby left his iPad home today so I took a quick peek at his browser history. He was surfing for porn on Saturday after I left to go up and ride my horse. Remember this is the day after I was MAXED out on girl game for the party Friday night. He could have had me any way he wanted on Friday night but hardly even touched me beyond hand holding while I was all dressed up. Sigh...I just don't know what to do to find that caveman without clobbering him with a club first. I don't understand how he can go from caveman to drought so fast...I mean the sex we had was HOT...was it not good for him? Why doesn't he want it more often? I don't know how to unravel this...I know talking about it is the wrong answer...maybe counselling is the way to go?
I’m not orbiting him anymore…we watch some shows together but if he is down in the man cave I do my own thing (unless I’m specifically invited to join him). It seems now like we are living parallel lives and I’m lonely. I invite him to join me for things…like when I go to my coaches to ride (I really love it when he comes and watches / videos my rides) but he turns me down. I did get him to come out with me and the dogs yesterday but I can’t remember the last time he suggested an activity for us to do together (other than watching tv). We bought a new board game to play with the family at Christmas and I suggested we could play it last night. He agreed but then it required three players…so he just dropped it and that was that. I feel like I’m making some bids for attention but get minimal response and I am trying to be so careful to not orbit. He seems totally happy and is doing way more stuff around the house (he isn’t paralyzed in the recliner anymore) but he never seems to want to do stuff with just me. OK…that isn’t true…he seems to enjoy doing things with me but doesn’t initiate them. I don’t feel like I’m making him do stuff…if he agrees and comes along he is all in so that’s good. It all comes down to me not feeling like I’m a priority/attractive/wanted by him. Not sure how to turn that around.
In the mean time...I'm back to my workouts...gotta drink more water!!! I have several woodworking projects started and I need to get my house Christmas ready...I'm hosting Hubby's family for dinner this year!
You got this!
Put back on course via a 'One Hour Call' with Athol. Seriously worth 10 times the cost, but don't tell him that....
“Between stimulus and response, there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.” - Victor Frankl
Girl game is maxed...including stockings and boots. I'm just hoping cooking dinner to have ready when he gets home is the right choice...don't want it to be ruined if he has other ideas first lol.
Oh...and yeah...I look amazing and feel pretty awesome too. If he chooses not to take advantage of it...his loss. I will have a great meal...and I have lots of batteries.
Last night was interesting. Bottom line…I wanted sex…I got it…but I had to work for the kind of sex I was looking for LOL.
I’ve been here (on MMSLF) for a year as of this month. I have learned a TON of stuff about the dynamics of my marriage and have a much clearer picture of what I want in my life and with my partner. When I look (read) back on where I was a year ago I can clearly see my marriage is in a better place today than it was back then. I am healthier, stronger and happier in general. Hubby is healthier and more positive overall now than he was then. We are still a work in progress and always will be but I think the trajectory is going the right direction.
The final piece of the puzzle that isn’t quite in place yet…is the sex.
I think there are several factors that may be impacting the seeming lack of desire on Hubby’s part.
After last night, however, I’m beginning to think the biggest culprit may just be a combination of his nice guy tendencies (which are quite strong) compounded with being gun-shy from previous rejections (I rejected him a LOT earlier in our relationship when attraction started to fade). I think he repressed his drive in response to my rejections and now the thought of initiation rarely occurs to him unless I am BLAZING GREEN and actually start the ball rolling (guaranteed win for him). Yes he has done a few out of the blue initiations over the last year but they were very few and far between (I think less than 10 total…maybe closer to 5).
My strategy over the last while was to just wait…no initiations from me (didn’t want to reward the lazy bear). That met with very limited success. It seemed like he was just fine with sex every month or two. Now he is exhibiting far fewer lazy bear characteristics in general (and I am doing less maid service/orbiting too). I think it is time for a new strategy. If he is indeed gun-shy, I may need to do a bit of ‘re-training’ to get him comfortable bringing back the caveman I married. He does not have a history of rejecting me when I initiate so I am going to proceed with the assumption he wants sex but needs a bit of reassurance from me that the caveman isn’t going to get clubbed for trying to get some. This may mean I have to ‘start things’ a bit more than I’d ideally like to. But I will not accept weak responses…they will either be ignored or challenged for a stronger response. Last night's activities give me hope that this might work...
This is how things played out over the last couple of days.
I opened the door a bit for him on Monday. We were texting about the party we are going to on Saturday and he asked if I still wanted to go. I told him I was happy to go but if he didn’t want to he would have to think of somewhere else to take me so I could wear my red dress. He replied…no no no we’ll go. I replied an acceptable answer could have been ‘the bedroom’ lol. He had apparently misread the original message and thought I had said he would need to find someone not somewhere to take me so I could wear the red dress. Many lols but no escalation of sexy talk. So sexy time Monday was brought to you by Duracell. sigh
Tuesday I thought I’d try again. Normally Tuesday is dog walking night. The weather was crazy so I texted him and said we may need to find an alternative indoor activity for husband / wife time. He responded with a silly string of emoticons for outdoor sports...sigh
Then a second text came in with some more provocative emoticons…lipstick…boots…a kiss. YAY…game on. I put on some stockings and boots and send him a selfie…saying I wasn’t sure what the emoticons meant…was this what he was thinking? Lol More emoticons…big eyes, banana, heart, thumbs up lol. I asked him if he had gone full caveman and lost his words…had to communicate in cave drawings. A couple more texts were sent and then he was on his way home.
I finished getting dressed and got dinner ready. He was on the phone when he came in so no immediate mauling ensued. I got dinner dished up as he finished his call and we sat down to eat. Everything was normal…talked about our days enjoyed the food etc. After dinner we put the dishes away and I could tell he wasn’t quite sure how to proceed…I went and sat in the living room and he followed me in…he seemed a bit nervous …held his hands out to me to get me to get up and I innocently asked if we were going to go downstairs and watch some shows? He said sure and so we headed for the man cave… to watch tv! I’m getting a little worried at this point but haven’t thrown in the towel yet. He puts on the tv and I cuddle up with my head in his lap. He rubs my back, butt…hand down the back of my skirt…all very…nice. The first show ends and he asks if I’d like to watch another…really? OK play along…he has got to be getting a bit frustrated by now right? Any minute he is going to just pounce on me right? I say sure…and he starts the second show. Again some light petting…rubbing my shoulder…back…butt. Second show ends…he asks what I want to do now…OK time for a poke. I answer well we could watch another show while we wait for the Caveman to arrive although he is pretty late and I was expecting him a couple hours ago (all said with a flirty smile). I see the light bulb go on…but the nice guy is still struggling for control…he asks if I want to go upstairs? I ask if that’s where the Caveman is? …and it’s on…FINALLY. Afterwards we had a nice cuddle on the couch (never made it upstairs of course) and I said he needs to let his caveman out more often. I love the cuddly bear but he is nicer AFTER a visit from the Caveman. It was all very light fun conversation.
So I’m thinking we may need to take things in this direction for a while…until he has a bit more confidence that this is really what I want from him and he isn’t going to get shut down. I was relieved that this kind of initiation didn’t diminish my drive or attraction…it was actually kind of fun to tease and poke the bear trying to get the caveman to come out. I didn’t have to be dominant or lead…I was able to be more flirty and innocent.
Not sure if this site has the right demographic but I’m going to throw it out there…any guys here that have been a bit gun-shy after so much rejection? What could / did your wives do that helped you get your mojo /confidence / caveman back?
Kudos to you for all your progress and your ability to bring light hearted, positivity to your interactions with your H. You have done really well in the year you have been on the forum. I am impressed with your MAP and your steady, consistent momentum.
I went looking for my dreams outside of myself and discovered, it's not what the world holds for you, it's what you bring to it.
Anne Shirley - Anne of Avonlea
I wish my wife had girl game like you. I'd give her all she could handle.
Into Phase 3..
Those Who Dare......Win. "What gives you fear today...Gives you Strength tomorrow.."As you can see by my map thread, I really need some sex but I'm just not up for it the last couple days. Tonight she's wearing a pair of beautifully stained sweat pants with granny panties (just my guess), a worn out Disney sweat shirt and no bra. Talk about a boner killer. When she dresses like that I don't need to rely on the kids to be cock blockers.
The worst thing is that when she's dressed for work, I get all horny and think about her all day. Then she comes home and changes into her hobo chic outfit and my desire tanks. So ya, I'm a little gun shy, for both reasons.
The trick is Hubby is a stockings and skirt kinda guy so I need to add skirts into my rotation...which seems a bit odd in the winter...when I work from home...do outside animal chores and other than that don't leave the house.
I am being more conscious of making sure hair and makeup is done before Hubby is home each day and the ball cap is getting a break when I'm home (I still wear it at the barn).
Maybe the key is to become one of those 50's wives that puts on fresh makeup and a nice dress before her husband gets home each day! LOL
I long for the day he is captain enough to just send me a text that he is on his way home and he expects me dressed in <his choice> when he arrives. Someday...
FYI - When I worked in an office I too used to change out of my 'good clothes' shortly after getting home. Never thought about it for a second being a turn off for him. Does your wife know you don't want her to change? Would it be ok if she changed into something more casual but not totally frump? Can you grab her before she changes and show her you 'appreciate' the nice clothes? What happened to the sundresses????
When she comes home from work I'm busy cooking and trying to straighten up, do some wiring, work on cabinets among other things. By the time I see her, she's already changed into her frumpy's
On Monday I asked Hubby if he'd massage a spot I've got in my back that had been giving me grief if I set up the massage table. He agreed and did a great job digging into the knots I had there. Little did I know he has a bit of a sexy massage fantasy so soon he had his hands on more than my back and it was on lol. Much fun was had...good thing the massage table is sturdy! I'm hoping Monday Massages can become a regular event around here
I texted Hubby an ecard yesterday that said, "This entitles you to give me a back massage you'll obviously turn into sex". I was hoping to wave the red flag in front of the bull so we could have a little fun last night. Massage Monday! Yay...
He texted back asking if it wasn't still shark week...I replied that nope shark week was done and since when was he afraid of a little blood? He lol'd and that was it until he texted me that he was leaving work. I got dinner ready, moved the massage table in front of the fireplace in the bedroom, put the massage oil in hot water to warm it up. Girl game on...hair and makeup done...ready.
We had a nice dinner when he got home, he chatted about work...then he put a movie on. Ok...probably a good idea to digest dinner before any strenuous activities. He sat beside me on the couch and then put on another movie...ok...he held my hand a bit...now it is getting pretty late. Movie ends...he says he is going to do the night time chores...sigh...ok I tell him I'm heading to bed. I get a kiss and a hug...and that's it. He is up for at least another hour after I have gone to bed. I suspect he notices the massage table in the bedroom when he finally goes to bed. This morning he comes in to say goodbye before he leaves. Gives me a few kisses and then says sorry about last night.
Between last night and this morning I think I earned and Oscar for my STFU performance. The hurricane of emotions boiling inside me was pretty intense but I knew better than to open my mouth. Honestly I didn't even know what to say at that point.
I feel pretty shitty right now...you know...the typical girl script is running in my head...not pretty enough...not attractive enough...not good enough. I know it is crap and not true but boy that script sure likes to run. I'm angry and frustrated and just want my 'man' to MAN THE FUCK UP! He has a hot woman that is ready and willing to do anything he wants in bedroom and he just won't make a move. Even when he has been given a written invitation!
Ok...I'm going to wrap up the pity party right now. My next post will be about how I rocked the shit out of Christmas this year!
Then our water heating system sprung a leak and that resulted in us having to hire people to replace it (HUGE unexpected bill). They were here doing the work for two full days the week of Christmas. Have I mentioned how I hate having strangers in my house...especially when Hubby isn't here (he was at work)?
Hubby's work screwed up his pay when he was off for surgery meaning he owed them money and would miss one paycheque entirely!
Oh...and that beautiful new furniture that inspired me to offer to host Christmas...late...probably not available until the New Year (despite the fact we bought it beginning of November and were assured delivery in 4 weeks!)
Oh...and yep shark week arrived at the same time!
A pre-map version of me would likely have had a meltdown about these things...but instead I accepted the fact that the new furniture may not arrive in time and bought some nice throws to cover the old crappy furniture...I sucked it up and baked cookies for the plumbers who were working in my house for two days so I would have hot water again. Ran the numbers and ensured we'd be fine with the missing paycheque and took an extra Advil or two lol.
At one point I could see Hubby looking at me waiting for me to have a melt down (when he told me the furniture was delayed)...and when I didn't...I could see the confusion on his face lol.
Everything turned out fine. The hot water system was replaced (and is way more efficient than the old one)...the furniture arrived on the 23rd and the new throws look great on it too. My house looks like a million bucks and is decorated to the nines. I cooked an amazing Christmas dinner (my first turkey without my mom's help) and the family had a great time here. I made some almost Martha Stewart worthy desserts that got oohs and ahhhs from the family.
One more dinner tomorrow night at our place with my Mom (she is bringing Chinese food lol) and then I'll start taking down the decorations and Christmas 2015 is in the books!