GF has young kids, mine are grown... let's talk boundaries

Guitarslinger

http://marriedmansexlife.com/2012/08/when-princess-fiona-comes-with-a-mess-of-little-donkeys/

Jek

Guitarslinger said:

http://marriedmansexlife.com/2012/08/when-princess-fiona-comes-with-a-mess-of-little-donkeys/

That pretty much sums up my 12 year marriage in one page...
Kinda sucks a little, that Athol couldnt make it sound more complicated and less transparent.

MOTU

Guitarslinger said:

http://marriedmansexlife.com/2012/08/when-princess-fiona-comes-with-a-mess-of-little-donkeys/

Ouch that was painful to read.

Guitarslinger

MOTU said:

Guitarslinger said:

http://marriedmansexlife.com/2012/08/when-princess-fiona-comes-with-a-mess-of-little-donkeys/

Ouch that was painful to read.

Yeah it is, but you need to be aware of what you are possibly getting into. The red pill is bitter.  Easy to overlook things when the dopamine is strong

Jek

I did it for 12 years, raised 3 that werent mine.  I love 'em, still talk to em, but it was hell.  Being a stepdad is way harder than being a biological dad.
  

JellyBean

@MOTU‌ I think your approach "I generally take no position of authority with them" is a very good one.  There was a radio pshrink I used to listen to (Dr. Joy Browne) who had an expression that seems really fitting: "the role of a stepparent is to be a good friend and a good host."  I really like this expression and I think a lot of stepfamilies would work more smoothly if they took this approach.

My husband is stepfather to my two children and although most of the time things are pretty good, it is not easy and it is in constant flux.  It is a really tough job to Captain the house when there are stepchildren.  It's just hard, no question about it.

I am under no illusions about what being a divorced mom meant in the MMP.  Kids, as wonderful and adorable as they may be, are a huge load of baggage.  It takes a lot of patience and strength to work out the family dynamics with stepfamilies.  In order for me to attract a high-quality man as a single mom, I have to bring a whole lot of value to the table.  I don't like that it is true, but it is true nonetheless.

(Just for the record, I take a very dim view toward the hypocritical blatherings of that lying, homewrecking nag, Dr Laura.  I also find it very interesting that the people who have such firm ideas about the impropriety of single moms dating are usually silent on the subject of single dads dating.)

judyjudy

@MOTU‌ ;

From your OP, I think like @Jellybean said, you have a good attitude. You have clearly thought carefully about your feelings and enforcing good boundaries. What I do think is important to consider is how this may change and develop if your relationship continues to go forward. 

My husband is stepfather to my two eldest who were aged 3 and nearly 1 when we met. Unfortunately things have not been plain sailing. I was not looking for a second father to them but more of an 'uncle' role if you like, a father figure who can lead the household. What I *have* in reality is a man who has a stack of conflicted feelings who can barely relate to my children and makes little effort to. We also have a child together and I can literally never leave him at home with all three whilst I go anywhere because he will p!ss and moan so much it's easier not to.

So continue your good attitude and take some time to think how you feel about things developingand your feelings about a potential stepfamily relationship, because it would shift the dynamic into new territory and you need to know how you feel about that prosect, and how you would work with it.

SMan

@raymay said:

I come from a Dr. Laura view point. 

More on "Dr. Laura" Schlessinger later

Your GF should not be dating with minor children.   

People should think through the implications of things they say sometimes.

Are you seriously proposing that this woman should stay celibate for 15 years?

People on this forum are getting ready to ultimatum their spouses because of sexual starvation that has lasted for way less than 15 years.

She chose poorly the first time and made babies. 

Easy accusations to lob at a person you don't know, who was in circumstances you have no knowledge of.

If you were in the same room with her and @MOTU , would you say that to her face?
____________________________________

Anyhow, on to @MOTU's topic.

I have seen a number of single moms come into relationships with a good man, and I have been a single dad getting into a relationship with a good woman.

As you described in the case with your 2nd wife, a stable, normal, positive role model can be a great influence on the kids.

I am under the impression that you and GF are both handling this in a really responsible way.

I also agree with @dalef that holding out for 4 months before introduction to the kids is longer than average, IME.

SMan

Concerning Laura Schlessinger, I have to agree 110% with @JellyBean about her.

@JellyBean said:

Just for the record, I take a very dim view toward the hypocritical blatherings of that lying, homewrecking nag, Dr Laura. 

"By their deeds you shall know them . . . "

Schlessinger, is well known for her rants about couples "shacking up," and talking about "not destabilizing the children" by dating . . . and other moralistic stuff.

But what's Schlessinger's own track record like?

1.   She married a dentist, Michael Rudolph, 1972 in NYC

2.   In 1975 she moved to California, leaving her husband behind, and declared herself separated to her friends

3.   In 1975, when she was 28 she had an affair with Bill Ballance, a famous (Alpha) radio producer who was 57, twice her age.

Ballance was also married at the time.

So much for her advice that dating while separated but not divorced is adultery, and that no girl should have affairs with married men.

Oh well . . . onward . . .

4.   Later on in 1975 she met Lewis Bishop, who was married with 3 children at the time, and started another affair with him.

Lewis left his wife & kids and moved in with Schlessinger.

So much for her advice against "shacking up"

Schlessinger divorced her husband in 1977 and Bishop divorced his wife in 1979.  When they had been living together for 2 and 4 years, respectively.

5.   They lived as a common-law couple until 1985, at which point Schlessinger got pregnant, so they got married then.

LOL- at least she followed her own advice of unmarried couples not having children.

Enough has been said to indicate that this woman is a loose cannon. Anyone interested in further scandal can look up how she's treated her own family, her mother and sister.
_____________________

This woman is strange, to say the least.

I think she must be dissociative or have a personality disorder.

She steadfastly denied the affair with Ballance with a straight face, until he called her bluff and published some topless photos taken during the affair.

She tried suing Ballance to get the photos from him and having them taken down, but lost her lawsuit. She then said on her radio show that the photos have no "moral authority," whatever that means.

So, the upshot: Should anyone take advice from Dr. Laura?

Ummm . . . no . . .

MOTU

Thank you all for posting your experiences and thoughts. This is a big, hard topic. My goal is too not get too far ahead of myself on this, but instead to take it slowly and realistically. Having good, hard, frank discussions like this one will keep my head clear.

bjornagain

I have to respectfully disagree about the role of stepdad. I should know as I have the adoptive father who raised me, my bio mothers third husband who is my stepdad who I met at 35. My bio father who I met at 35 who I took care of as he died. And my FIL who is more of a father than any of them. The conflict is the bio mother has the birth bond and the ownership feeling. They are her kids. He will never be their bio father. Never have that bond. All agreed. During courtship yes the kind uncle role. Get used to him. Develop a like bond. All good. But If they are to integrate into a family unit...marriage or live together then the role has to change. As the adult partner in the family they by default must take on a gover ing role of some kind in the house. Otherwise the kids know to use him as the default yes guy. Moms not here go ask uncle cause he always says yes. If he says no just ignore him cause he is not our parent anyway. Behind closed doors the bio parent can set the expectations, set the tone for how kids are to be raised. Boundaries etc. But then in front of the kids the step must have authority backed by the bioparent. Ever have a supervisor who keptt running to their boss for advice? Did you respect and trust them? How about one you knew was a puppeet for a manical boss? Setting up the same thing. Steps never replace the bio. And any two parents argue about child rearing. But every good parent has to have the ability ....when necessary... to say "why? Because i am your parent and i said so." Otherwise the adult is in the role of uncle and knows it. And how kuch does an uncle need to emotionally invest? The old have fun load em up on sugaraand when they get whiny give em back. And when a new kid is born the the dynamic goes to hell. Child x i will deal with because they are mine but your kids.....well. favorite child issues up the wazzo. Uncle during mate selection but after that they become parent. Goes for step father, mother, same sex....whatever. My adopted father was a prick but he made me who I am. My bio father i loved for the four short years i knew him. It was there in the genes. My stepdad...meh.. and my FIL i knew since 16 all but adopted me and taught me more about what it is to be a rp honourable man than anyone i know.

bjornagain

Sorry but the paragraphing screwed up. Tech issue not my thumbs.....oh angeline shut up.

Angeline

@bjornagain, until the editing problem with Vanilla forums is fixed, use a < br > (without spaces) to insert one line break.

EANx

My rule to this point as been if the ex is in the picture then raising the kids is their problem. Two people that act like adults can certainly communicate and coordinate on this.

If she has smaller children, the father isn't in the picture and she doesn't enforce strong boundaries, I've never had a problem stepping in when the child was actively disrespecting the mother once she showed she was going the conflict avoiding route. I figured that I had no desire to deal with teens that didn't respect their mother and that's what would happen in a few years if she didn't insist on some degree of respect.

In the case of my last real GF (a widow), I figured my job was to back her up. For example, six year-old arguing about going to take a bath when it's the usual time; a pee-wee shit test. She's getting frustrated because she's talking and ordering but the child is refusing and she won't impose a punishment. As she gets more frustrated, I walked over, picked the child up, said "your mother said it's bath time, stop arguing" and put the child down in the bathroom.

I won't date a woman who lets older children or teens run the household or disrespect her.