Goal: To have a smoke free household

rainmaker

I have never been a smoker, but FO is a long time smoker and my 19 year old daughter recently picked up the habit and they have started a smokers club out on the back patio. I do not care for this. I would like to eradicate smoking from our household. No smoking in the house, just outside. FO has toyed often with the notion of quitting the habit, the last time she did was when she was pregnant, and she turned into a bear for a month.

Do I just keep Mapping and then hope they both catch on?

Do I handle this like a boss and draw a hard line on smoking at the house?|

I want this to be done for the right reasons and not just because The Captain says so. I also want to be supportive of FO and Daughter in the process. I know its a hard habit to break, but its just so pointless and expensive and unhealthy. 

I would say I am at 2ish months of honest MAP progress at this point. 

Has anyone else tackled this issue?

Angeline

Well for your daughter's sake, you could insist that she not smoke unless she is completely self supporting and paying for her own health care. But it is hard to withstand if your parent smokes, I can attest to that. 

How have you attempted to make this stand in the past? Was she a smoker when you met? Do you kiss? Doesn't the smell get into your clothes and bedding, too?

You have a right to clean air in your own home. As an ex smoker, keeping it to outdoors definitely cut down on it, because sometimes it's just too freaking nasty outside.

rainmaker

@angeline, 
Let me clarify from previous post. There is currently no smoking in the house. Nor has there been. Just outside, but I would like to make my position clear on this, and I would like to figure out a few boundaries. I think I have a few ideas.

1. No, W, I will not pick up a pack of smokes for you while I am at the store.

2. Sometimes W and I have chats outside on the patio, while she smokes. I am thinking of just distancing myself from this behavior. Maybe just asking her not to smoke when I am around is a good first step.

3. I definitely need to state to W and Daughter that I do not approve of smoking and that I want to see that habit go away before the end of 2015. I'm just trying to think of the most balanced way to do that.

rainmaker

Additionally, there are alot of new boundaries that need to be established with our live-in but pay no rent, avoid all the chores, and come and go as she pleases adult daughter. That's a long road that I just don't have the energy for right now. 

The_Dude

I don't have much to say on the boundaries issue but I have seen several good friend long time smokers switch to e-cigs and completely stop real cigs.  It vastly improved their breathing, they don't stink, etc.  I don't know what the long term issues are but they seem clearly better than smoking reg cigs all day.  The ones that successfully switched use the refillable vapor types, not the cheapie things you see at the convenience store.  Maybe go buy a starter kit for your wife?

frillyfun

You can't make someone quit a bad behavior.  Most of the time they know it's bad, but quitting is tough.  

Not enabling them is a great move.  Do not reward their smoking in any way at all.  Show your disapproval in subtle ways.  Don't tell them you expect them to quit by the end of the year.  It's not going to work, and it makes you look weak.

I used to smoke over a pack a day for YEARS, and quit successfully with an e-cig.

Hit the E-cig forum, and they'll tell you what to get.  Quitting even with an e-cig is a process, but there's a fair chance she'll like the switch, and the money saving.  Expect to spend up to $200 to get a system, and juice that works for her (maybe even more- it can kind of become a hobby).  

Reward good behavior, ignore bad behavior.  I don't know how much cigarettes are where you live, but quitting could be a big financial boon.  Do something cool with the extra money.

rainmaker

@frillyfun and @TheDude ;

This is good stuff, I definitely don't to DLV in this process, and I a want to use this as an opportunity to demonstrate the frame and I assume it will be knocked a bit by both parties on this. 

The E-cig is a great idea I think. Will look into. 

Thank you so much, this has been very helpful

rainmaker

Ok gang. W quit smoking in may, pursuant to a bad lung infection. In the 2 months that followed, I found a new dimension to w's essential sexiness: my nose is in love with her. Seriously, I can't even describe how instantly horny the smell of w sans cigarettes is. It's like my dick is connected directly to my olfactory thingy.

But then challenges and life and enablers set in. And she returned to the old habit about a monto ago. My nose's response to her is now neutral.  Not bad, but not good either. 

I've actually come to the point where I detest the smell of smoke simply because I miss the nose porn that is w without smoking. 

How do I communicate this to her? 

Don't get me wrong, the sex has gotten better and better and way more frequent and better still since I recommited to the map. I have become super husband, dad, man in my household. We have found a great deal of comfort in our marriage as well.

I want to show some leadership here without being a tyrant. But my nose wants to soak her cigs everyone she brings a pack home. 

Angeline

Did you ever tell her this while she was not smoking?

frillyfun

Nose porn is a pretty good phrase.  The thing with addicts is that they have to come to the conclusion to quit on their own.  You really can't talk them into it.

The only suggestion I have is to tell her you'll fully support her quit with whatever method she'd like to try.

PurpleGuy

The first paragraph is something I could have written except for I would substitute breast cancer for pregnancy. Wife smoked throughout both of her pregnancie (before we met) and made a half hearted effort to stop while undergoing chemo. Lasted about a month. I came home from work earlier this week to find Wife and her youngest on the back deck smoking and chatting. 

I honestly think Wife love smoking more than anyone/anything else. She has already fought cancer once and instead of using that for motivation she uses it as an excuse. I won't be around her when she smokes but to see the defiant "fuck the world" look on her face every time she lights up makes me angry. She spends many hours sitting on the back deck playing iPad games and smoking. 

I have nothing positive to add but I am following this thread with great interest.

fredless

First of all--Any child of mine who lives in my house lives under my rules.  My 18-yr-old son could certainly smoke, but he's moving out if he does so.  I'm completely serious about that. 

Secondly, you want your wife to know that her smoke smell turns you off, try this:

"Wife, you smell like a stale ashtray.  I don't think I can tell you how unattractive that is." 

That's the truth.  A Captain says what he thinks and he means what he says. 

How do I communicate this to her?

Directly and honestly. 


Moreover, no way would I buy her cigarettes, talk to her while she smokes, or engage with her in anyway when she is partaking.  If she made a point of kissing me, and tasted of smoke, I'd direct her to go brush her teeth because I don't need to be kissing an ashtray.

Those times she abstains, smells good, etc, you have to let her know in the same direct and honest manner.  She needs to know when she is being attractive to you.

I guess I feel a bit stronger about this than many but as I Mapped, this would eventually become a deal breaker for me.

The_Dude

Has she tried vaping?  If not go get her a simple setup with enough nicotine to kill the urge.  

PurpleGuy

@fredless - Was your FO a smoker when you met and stopped smoking in response to your MAP? Mine was a hardcore pack-a-day smoker when we met. Any urging on my part to get her to slow down/quit has been met with "I smoked when you married me, if it was a problem you should have married someone else." Or words to that effect. I honestly believe that if push came to shove and I A/B'ed her she would pick the Marlboro man over me. Smoking is such an important part of her identity, it's social (you've seen the smokers huddled together trying to stay warm), everybody she works with smokes. They sit around a table under a tree, drink coffee, and smoke between calls.

I did did tell her once that I would no longer participate in her suicide and that if/when she was diagnosed with lung cancer I was out. I'm not going to standby while she kills herself.

fredless

@PurpleGuy

I wouldn't even date girls in high school who smoked.  I think it is a horrible, nasty habit that almost always ends in serious health problems.  So, no, my FO was not a smoker.

I honestly find it almost incomprehensible that a person could survive cancer and continue smoking.  I understand that smoking is an extremely difficult habit to end but I would think facing cancer would be a significant motivator. 

DaddyOh

I've mentioned this before, but when we were hiring a full timer, I said no to the smoker while my Boss said yes.
You could actually smell the stench on his resume.
We did hire him (the smoker) and I do enjoy working with him, but the 5 min breaks when we're deep into a project are getting irritating. 
He did admit, that he would be higher in the Corporate Ladder if it wasn't for his smoking. 

rainmaker

Everyone's input is great so far. As far as the time she has abstained, I made it a point to tell her a few times a day. I also do not buy cigarettes for anyone. I will be more direct about the way I address this issue. Thank you again everyone.