Impending success story

chim

Been a while since I have been on so I thought I would give an update. Link to my original 911 here:

http://marriedmansexlife.vanillaforums.com/http://marriedmansexlife.vanillaforums.com/discussion/10322/dealing-with-an-affair-staying-positive#latest

First of all thank you to everyone who took the time to read and respond to my situation. This website has been a phenomenal resource for me and for that I am truly grateful. I am hesitant to call this a success story, but it is certainly on its way to becoming one.

My wife and I attended around 6 MC sessions before my deployment, which was thankfully pushed back a few extra weeks. Those sessions were very helpful for both of us and fortunately I was afforded the opportunity to participate while I was deployed over the next several months. My wife continued to go on her own while I was gone, and I was able to participate in several sessions using the internet. That was a lifesaver for us both. We are continuing to use counseling even though I have deployed again since I came back. I don't see a reason why we would stop anytime soon.

I have been very active in ensuring that no recurring contacts with the other guy have happened, and have an active monitor (as best as can be accomplished) on my wife's daily activities and contacts. My subtle network of informants is actually something I am proud of and has helped me bridge that tech gap that is damn near impossible to handle these days. While I will never ever be 100% trusting, I have gotten to a comfortable place and plan to keep it that way till I am worm food.

There have been ups and downs with huge successes and some minor failures here and there. Overall I am very happy with the progress. We are both in a place where we have started talking about children and I expect that in the very near future that will go into motion. We have been on two long vacations since my original post and both went really well. That was a big confidence booster for the two of us.

All the standard markers are still in good shape. Physically we are both excellent, financials are rock solid, we both have mutual and independent hobbies that are healthy and we have developed a network of mutual friends that are also in a very healthy place. Sex life is also still strong for both of us, though that was always the thing we were best at together in the first place. Really all that is left if to continue on that long path of constant improvement. I am pretty excited and so is she.

I am certainly not in great position to give advice but after having gotten through the early stages of this ordeal and actually starting to work on the marriage as opposed to this issue I have had a lot of time to reflect on the things that made it possible to get to this point. This is basically a rehash of everything AK talks about, but for my own sake I would like to spell this out again.

1. It is absolutely imperative that affairs are crushed with extreme prejudice as early as possible. If you have any suspicion at all take 2 deep breathes grab a pen and paper and start crafting a solid plan to gather all the details, monitor phones, cars, contacts and schedules. Be prepared to blow this thing up at every level, because anything less than that isn't worth the effort and won't have the desired effect. You cannot have fear of being caught snooping, nor fear of feeling the shame of inadequacy. It is absolutely the time to man the F up and see exactly what you are dealing with. This is not the time for self pity.

2. In my case, I was prepared to terminate the marriage immediately. I think that was a very important component of my story. I took stock of my personal value and realized what my options were. Staying with an unrepentant cheater doesn't make sense to me at all. Again that was my personal assessment, but I suspect it holds true for almost everyone considering they have made an honest personal assessment.

3. In the "detonate the affair" stage there is ZERO value in having discussions with a cheater. The only acceptable topic was that my wife had committed a horrible breach of trust and was going to admit exactly what happened down to the last detail in her own words. Picture by picture, text by text, email by email. This is question and answer, not discussion format. DO NOT LET THE CHEATER FRAME THE INTERACTION. This was helpful in so many ways, not just for me but also for my wife. She has since and of her own accord told me that without my steadfast insistence to stay on that topic and that topic only, on my terms, she would have justified herself out of the marriage to preserve her self worth.

4. Direct confrontation with the other party. Concise, proof of knowledge and clear consequences for violating the terms. enough said there. So far it has worked well for me.

5. Once we got to a place where we had agreed to save the marriage and enter counseling there was a temptation to frame conversations in terms of "what can I/we do to prevent an affair." or "what caused the affair?" That was not a helpful perspective for us. The focus should be "how can we make this the best marriage possible?" I will never forget the affair, neither will she. That isn't the point though. We are all in on marriage, not preventing affairs.

6. Be relentless in working on yourself. Don't be the expendable half of the marriage. This forces the other party to catch up to you and serves in leading by example. My wife had a much harder and longer road to recovery than I did. Had I not been resilient she never could have followed me to this point. If she can't or won't keep up, then see #2.

7. Marriage is part of your life, not your life. The overlap may be significant, but never lose that perspective.

So nothing new here, I just thought I would share some of my observations from my own experience.

Thanks Again!


  

Friz

Good for you.
Proof that it is possible to recover from the worst thing that can happen to a marriage.

The_Dude

I said it in your triage thread but your story is a textbook perfect case of how to handle an affair. And it's also a good example of the conditions that need to be there to make it possible to recover.  Your two threads should be a reference when guys come on here not knowing what they need to do.  Good job man. 

The_Dude

And keep it up. Don't let yourself get complacent. It's hard to keep the sense of urgency and determination as time passes and he sting fades. 

chim

@The_Dude Thanks man. I agree that keeping up the effort and motivation is the real challenge. I'm glad I had people around such as yourself to help me get to the point where I can worry about the long term challenges!

@Friz Thanks!