Dating a woman with emotional baggage - is there any hope?

elgringo

I am separated and hope to divorce this summer.  Soon to be ex wife is bat shit crazy and a bully.  No hope or wish for reconciliation there.  After I moved out, I started dating a woman i met at work. I know that it was stupid to date while separated, but i was so unhappy with wife and so intoxicated with new woman that i did it anyway.  Things started off fine with new woman but after a while there started a pattern of her being cold and distant for no reason, and then she would be affectionate.  Hot and cold.  She was divorced and had serious unresolved issues from her 2 previous relationships which prevented her from getting close to me.  She was angry at her ex husband and devastated after a boyfriend left her suddenly.  At one point she told me that she wasn't letting love in, and that she felt like she didn't want to.  She told me her sentimental heart was broken and that she only had love for her sons.  After hearing this I broke things off with her.

 But then i was feeling lonely and missing the booty.  So we run into each other and reconnect.  We go on and off for a few months before deciding to take a break in December.  The last time i talked to her we agreed to take a break so that we could both work on our issues.  I asked her to go to counseling. I realized what my issues were after reading the primer.  Too much beta, not enough alpha.  I was too nice.  Anyway, I am working on increasing my alpha and have been working out for about 10 months.  No sodas or alcohol. My question is how long should i wait before contacting my ex, and what approach should i take?  I hold out hope for this relationship because when things were good they were really good, and i have never been more attracted to a woman before.  She is seriously the woman of my dreams.  Any chance of this working out or am i wasting my time?

RebuildingHusband

"Woman of my dreams"... You've got oneitis bad bro. End it for good, fix yourself, then find a woman who complements you. 

Rico

Sound like you've got some oneitis going on.  Personally, I wouldn't waste time on someone who is "cold and distant", particularly early on in the relationship when things are typically at their best, counseling or no. There are millions of other fish in the sea, many of which don't have emotional issues to get through before they are acceptable GF/wife material.   

HildaCorners

Sounds like you're repeating the past here.

Leave her alone. There are lots of single, divorced and widowed women around, many of whom are better for you, and many of whom you can be "really attracted to."

NeverSleptOnTheCouch

Wow, what are  the chances. 6 billion women in the world, and 'the one' is right down the hall at work.  Uncanny. And preloaded with issues, how convenient.

Let her go, and keep working on yourself.

Reborn

I asked her to go to counseling. 

You need to do the same

elgringo

Reborn said:

I asked her to go to counseling. 

You need to do the same

I did go to counseling for a while.  I think I need to go again. Thanks everyone for your responses.  I appreciate how people here keep it real. 

BetaTester

Emotional baggage is not the problem.  She is not strong enough to carry her own bags and I suspect your load is to heavy as well.  Take the advice given here and fix your own problems.

Mongrel

You need to examine your choices in women carefully. Why do you go after the ones you do? Sounds like you gravitate toward troubled fixer-uppers. I think more personal counseling to find out why you choose the women you do is more important than dating right now.

elgringo

Mongrel said:

You need to examine your choices in women carefully. Why do you go after the ones you do? Sounds like you gravitate toward troubled fixer-uppers. I think more personal counseling to find out why you choose the women you do is more important than dating right now.

I agree with this, but sometimes you don't know there is a problem until after you have been involved for a while.  Life would be so much easier if people came with warning labels.  "Warning: this person is a hot mess and extremely unstable.  Side effects include confusion, doubt and elevated stress levels."

I chose my wife because she was my first girlfriend.  I had acne in high school and people were very unkind to me.  My self esteem was very low and I had no confidence.  The acne cleared up, but i still had no game.  So when i met the woman who became my wife, even though there were red flags and several people including my mother warned me not to marry her, I went ahead and married her because i didn't want to be alone.  Went through 18 years married to a woman who did not respect my feelings and was a bully and manipulator.  

When things were on the rocks with my wife and she refused to go to marriage counseling, I became totally infatuated with this woman at work.  And when she responded favorably to my advances, it was such an intoxicating rush.  There was a strong primal attraction that overruled other considerations.  I was so unhappy with my wife and here was this beautiful other woman who seemed so nice.  It was irresistible for me.  The mistake i made with her was staying too long after she proved to be emotionally unavailable.

Having gotten out of 2 failed relationships, I have a good idea of what I want and don't want. I will be more choosy in the future.  I am not going to date for a while.  At least not until divorce.  I am using this time to work on myself. Calling my counselor this week.

Angeline

"but sometimes you don't know there is a problem until after you have been involved for a while.  Life would be so much easier if people came with warning labels."

"even though there were red flags and several people including my mother warned me not to marry her, I went ahead and married her because i didn't want to be alone."

These two statements cannot both be true at the same time. Either you wait long enough and with your eyes open to see major flaws, or you ignore and pretend they aren't there. Major flaws in mental health or character are only difficult to discover if you are trying not to see.