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Dating a widow with young children-what are the implications?
MaxwellSmart
Burbs NYSilver Member Posts: 23
I've met a lovely gal...16 years my junior who is a widow (she's 40; I'm 56). Had a torrid romance over the holidays (when her kids were away with the in laws) at which point she wants to become exclusive...I agree because we really seem to hit it off...in and out of the bedroom. Previously I had been spinning plates and this freaked her out incredibly when she found out. I agreeto be exclusive.
The thing is she has 3 young kids aged 4, 7, 9 (mine are gown and in/out of college). She describes a very loving and strong relationship with her husband (who sounds like he was a great guy), who died a terrible death due to cancer 18 months ago. She is an excellent mom, very organized and has her father visiting from the old country for 6 months to keep things stable at home while she works full time. She's been dating for 9 months or so...determined to find her "true love" again. Now she tearfully tells me she is madly in love with me. Objectively I'm in great shape for 56, good looking, have a great job, and am intellectual and cultured like her- so we have an awful lot in common.
Questions:
1. I've slept over, arriving after kids bedtime, but always gotten up before the kids get up and gone home, although I have met them over dinner at her place and once was snowed in and officially "woke up on the couch" when the kids came down. Should I take pains to avoid getting involved further with the kids this early in the relationship?
2. What will her lizard brain think about me if I do get further involved with them? Will this be a DLV? I am not their father, but the father is truly dead and gone (and seems to have been a very good man). The kids are remarkably well behaved.
3. What is the appropriate pace to take to get to know each other? It seems like it should be slow. BUT, as #4 indicates..is it unfair of me to let things play out...and maybe waste her pretty?
4. Am I being selfish for wanting a nice alpha/beta relationship where my partner makes my life less rather than more complicated? I have mixed emotions about becoming a father figure again, not to mention its hard to get enough "me" time with her, although she tries. She insists parents(couples) must have time and a life separate from kids (she is European), and strongly disagrees with the whole helicopter parent thing. She rightly says the most important thing in life is living...loving and being loved. She loves me literally to tears, and wants me to love her back deeply. I feel very fond and tender towards her and feel like my emotions are deepening.
5. I find I still have guarded emotions from my amicable divorce after 25 years of marriage...Do I let myself become vulnerable so early in the relationship?. I can be strong and studly certainly...she wants me to open up to share...our love.
Insights greatly appreciated. Thank you all.
Comments
Again no offense but just look to see if she is emotionally compromised.
1) Families of widows often take an active interest in their lives and health, especially if they have kids. It's like they're hanging around as a safety net. It's not unusual for them to have outsized influence in the widow's life.
2) Remember that while people generally want to divorce, widowhood is generally thrust on someone. This means that they may still and forever after harbor feelings for their ex. The ex may be considered family, with associated photos and mementos. This may or may not pass and would need to be something you need to take into account.
This has been my experience as well. The husband was a unicorn. Brilliant surgeon published author. He absolutely was the love of her life and I knew that it didn't matter what I did she might not ever be able to move on.
@leoslayer: Well it may be closer to 2 years for her; I've only been divorced 10 months and separated 2.5 years. So we are about similar. She does tearfully say she wants to be loved as the most important thing in her life, and that she loves me (remember I've been limited in my emotions). Lots of drama last few days as to where she stands with me...she loves me...and can I show her that I love her? We have done lots of BF/GF stuff already...romantic dinners together, movies, trip to my country house, shoveling snow together! She's told me the decision is up to me...I see the path forward as moving slowly ahead but not jumping in with two feet just yet...she said she wont keep "chasing me" but she hopes I'll emotionally commit not just be exclusive...
I think she is emotionally pretty healthy despite having done through hell with her H's illness and death, and having to keep it together that whole time. Very impressive actually as to how resilient and capable she is...emotionally hurting yes of course, who wouldn't be...but I can tell I am ALOT like her deceased H...just a 16 year older version. I have the same physique, and many of the same intellectual characteristics....I don't think that's necessarily a bad thing. She admits she wont ever forget her ex...but has lots of love to give me...desperately wants to give and receive...
@leoslayer - could you elaborate on the situation of the widow you dated? Was it casual? How did it (why did it ) end as you imply? Was she not able to give you love, or the whole package didn't float your boat?
I think it most natural that one should continue to love one who was loved in the past...just that the memory should fade over time to hopefully a happy wistful one...I think in most good marriages the deceased would definitely want their partner to find happiness again - which means loving again someone new. Even in my amicable divorce, I certainly hope and would be pleased to know my ex found someone she was compatible with...
All that is to say that the pitfalls are pretty normal ones. Don't commit just yet because you're clearly not ready. She can absolutely love again, and wholeheartedly so. As her husband died of cancer, she likely had quite a bit of lead time to accept that she would not always be with him, so I don't think dating after 9 months is abnormal. The biggest thing to consider is whether or not you want to raise children again, because at those ages a new husband really would function as a father (btw, my husband's dad also died when he was very young, and my husband's stepdad was very much a father to him, and he loved him fiercely).
I was just a plate to her which was fine. She was trying to move on she was 13yrs older than me. This was after MP and into the beginning with K. She told me that I was great to hang out and do things with. Have sex with. But that was it.
About her, 13 yrs older than me. Ex model, Thoracic nurse. PHD, Was on several Medical Licensing boards and a civic leader.
She would just see something that reminded her of him and it was a trigger. Songs, smells, all sorts of things. She was just torn up with grief and guilt.
Yes she gave me a couple of things that never got worn. She thought it was stupid for them to go to waste. But she really had a tough time letting go of any of his things.
She is a pretty cool woman. Smart fun and very attractive.
I think the enormity of the commitment cannot be understated. You'd really have to be up to raising 3 young children. 3 fatherless children. It's a lot different than kids with a divorced mom whose ex-husband is still in the picture as a father figure.
My brother and I love and are close with our stepfather (who did not have his own children, as an aside). I don't think it's a guaranteed horror show, but it's a very serious undertaking. If you're not up for it, I don't think you should proceed because I don't think it would be workable to try to keep the kids at arms length.
If you like the idea of being a father to three fatherless children, then go for it.
(honestly if it was me in your shoes, I'd be all over this opportunity - but that's just where I'm at).
On the other hand, if you don't like the idea, or have doubts, then don't get too committed.
For her side, 18 months is plenty of time. If I had a friend who was widowed 18 months and they weren't ready, I'd be pushing them gently out the door. Losing a loved one is something you never completely get over, but she sounds pretty switched on, and she believes she's ready. I'd take her at her word on that. She knows how she feels about it better than you.
There's no need to feel pressured into a decision right now though. If you need more time, then take more time. Don't feel you have to move to the timetable of her father leaving the country.
Also - keep in mind that the "passionate love" phase last six months. At the very least, I'd wait it out until the passion subsides. The thing that will escalate and prolong is getting to know the kids. If you don't get involved with them, the relationship is likely to come to a natural conclusion mid-year or later in the year.
Didn't realize that I had. Fat fingers on phone.
I remmarried 4 years ago similar situation. I'm widow and her husband died (she said she was a widow I later found out he died after a divorce) and she has 3 boys. She played me the 2 years we dated and all she wanted was a sugar daddy. She blew all th boys money and never let me raise them. She is extreme BSC. One of those horror stories the person changes after " i do". Make sure your on the same page.