Desperate: My wife needs dopamine from me fast or I will lose her...

Athol_Kay

Then lawyer up and file as quickly and cleanly as you can.

The_Dude

One of the consequences I put into the no contact letter was the simple fact that if I ended up in divorce court I would be deposing the OM on the public record and entering the emails and everything else as evidence.  Wasn't a threat, just a statement of the obvious.  It had the desired effect.

ETA: I sent that as an email copied to both parties. I included several quotes from their correspondence to make it clear to him I had damning evidence his wife couldn't rationaize away.  I think it also embarrassed them to have it written out and put on display with all three of us to read.  I asked them both to reply with a simple agreement that they understood and agreed.  I received it pretty much immediately from both.   On top of everything else I also ended up with a pretty good admission of guilt. ;-)

mapman8

I talked to a lawyer on Tuesday. She suggested that letting the wife file first was actually slightly preferred in my situation (shows that she's leaving for another man, could help sway judge if necessary). In some states first to file is an advantage, not in mine.

She should be meeting with attorney and hopefully filing as soon as Monday.

HildaCorners

Slipangle said:

Bear in mind, until property division is settled, in writing and agreed to in court, you'll be required to maintain status quo. I.e. live together. 

This is untrue in every divorce where I know enough of the details to know.

Especially when there are lawyers involved to steer the best course*, as soon as a temporary separation agreement is drawn up, the couple can stop living together. There will be a paragraph dictating the type and amount of financial support, if any, and further paragraphs on custody and visitation, preliminary property division, and any other matters specific to that couple.


* Couples who divorce without attorneys don't always know about things like this, and the "do your own divorce" guides aren't going to be specific enough.

buddyf

Not to get too sidetracked @Chief_TC, I agree you forgive and move on.  By 'does the punishment fit the crime,' I meant his crime was not being more attractive for which he received the punishment of her having an affair. I didn't mean he should punish her now.

DaddyOh

It's your decision on how you want to go about it. Blow this $h*t up with the OM or just like Athol mentioned lawyer up and start moving on.
I took the latter approach, no regrets, but I don't blame anyone who wants to Nuke It and expose it.
That being said, quite a few of us, from personal experience will warn you that your wife/STBXW will take one more stab at the marriage. Be weary of the move and her motives. 
And it goes without saying, do not get her pregnant.

Tanooki

Let your lawyer be responsible for any information your wife gets out of you from now on.  This OM is so beneath you in SMV that by scaring the shit out of them through your lawyer is extremely Alpha. Dictate that she will agree to whatever you want (custody and assets) or you destroy both of their careers by taking your evidence to the school.  At this point, it is likely that your wife's panties are going to be so wet from your Alpha domination of the situation that she will dump the OM and it is unlikely that she will stray again. 

Then you you will be in charge of the relationship. And it will be up to HER to maintain your approval or you file. And remember, she created the situation. You are simply adapting to the situation, but setting the terms.

HOWEVER, the only reason you would offer her the chance to stay with you would be for the benefit of keeping your family intact. That's up to you. If she's a good mother and she hasn't had a PA, I would forgive and make sure you remain dominant so that she does not stray again. My guess is this will buy you at least 6 months to get the rest of your shit together. You've still got some work to do on being properly Alpha and Beta and being less boring.  You're not ENTIRELY blameless. 

The_Dude

I just want to clear something up because different people are assuming different answers. This is a physical affair. Correct?  From memory it was one line back in the triage that said something like they haven't had intercourse but they have done 'everything else'  and at school. 

mapman8

@The_Dude You are correct.

mapman8

She came home from work yesterday teary and telling me she's just so sad and confused. Tried reaching out to me for affection. I didn't give her any, but said I was sad about the situation too. She tells me she has an appointment to see a new place to live and appointment with attorney. I say fine.

She said she was going to stay somewhere that night (last night). She stayed at a friends (I know from GPS). 

We had a family function this morning. We're not so cold to each other. Afterwards she went to see the new place to live.

Afterwards she wants to talk. And I find out... The fling is over. It ended yesterday.

Angeline

She likely told the OM she was going to be available, and he woke up.

Athol_Kay

Angeline said:

She likely told the OM she was going to be available, and he woke up.

Very likely.

fordsvt

Angeline said:

She likely told the OM she was going to be available, and he woke up.

For sure-I eluded to that before as well. She was used for sex that's it. Sounds pretty normal. Stay strong and play your hand slowly. See how things shake out for the next little bit. No beta orbiting and work on your frame bud. Make her wake up and come to you.

Changed_Man

fordsvt said:

Angeline said:

She likely told the OM she was going to be available, and he woke up.

For sure-I eluded to that before as well. She was used for sex that's it. Sounds pretty normal. Stay strong and play your hand slowly. See how things shake out for the next little bit. No beta orbiting and work on your frame bud. Make her wake up and come to you.

And then you'd be Plan B... No. Thanks.

Athol_Kay

Changed_Man said:

fordsvt said:

Angeline said:

She likely told the OM she was going to be available, and he woke up.

For sure-I eluded to that before as well. She was used for sex that's it. Sounds pretty normal. Stay strong and play your hand slowly. See how things shake out for the next little bit. No beta orbiting and work on your frame bud. Make her wake up and come to you.

And then you'd be Plan B... No. Thanks.

If you've decided that no affair should be recovered as a matter of principle, then you're just here to troll right?

mapman8

Angeline said:

She likely told the OM she was going to be available, and he woke up.

Yep, I think he probably got cold feet. (A little back-story: Yesterday morning I couldn't sleep so went for a 4 AM drive to clear my head. When I got back my wife, who was sleeping on the couch, was paranoid about where I went and who I met. The OM had also recently broke it off with his girlfriend. I think they were starting to get paranoid about one or both of us blowing it up.)

Since my last post after finding out it's over, she is kind of all over the place. We've been trying to keep everything normal for the kids throughout the past couple weeks of all this, today included. Things she has said (in no particular order)...

About taking the kids to her sisters for a nephew's bday party (planned for weeks). She asked if I wanted to come before they left, saying "Will you come? I had forgot to ask you before". My reply "No. I'm going to get a haircut and hit the gym. You guys drive safe."

"I want to sleep in my own bed tonight." (Because she's slept on the couch the past few nights and friend's house last night.)

She asked "Can we just hang out tonight?" I said "Sure, I was going to watch House of Cards. You can watch it with me." I'm sure there are a million better responses, but that's what I mustered out of nowhere and knowing we're stuck in the house with the kiddos tonight.

"I just think there is someone else out there who will make you more happy." I said "Don't turn this around on me or what you think I want."

Referring to the new place to live she looked at today: "It looked nice. I think I can make it work. I still think I need some time to be alone". Not sure if she's looking for me to beg her to stay, or if she really does still want to move out.

This last one was kind of the kicker, I didn't know how to respond at the time. I think I've figured it out. She's gone now with the kids (see bday party above). When she gets back I'm going to sit at the kitchen table with a notepad and start budgeting expenses for each of us keeping two households for the kids. I'll also inform her that it'll be easier to afford two households if we sell our current house, cash in the equity, and I'll look for a townhouse as well.

No matter what I should do for the long run, I know right now I need some confident alpha. So we're kind of back to the original purpose of the post. I need some tips on kicking her dopamine. Appreciate the help...

446

mapman8 said:

"I want to sleep in my own bed tonight." (Because she's slept on the couch the past few nights and friend's house last night.)

"I just think there is someone else out there who will make you more happy." I said "Don't turn this around on me or what you think I want."

No matter what I should do for the long run, I know right now I need some confident alpha. So we're kind of back to the original purpose of the post. I need some tips on kicking her dopamine. Appreciate the help...

1) Either alternate nights or try "should've thought of that sooner" or "you already left the marriage bed"

2) Alpha as FUCK, man. That was awesome.

3) you need to be able to stand up to her and hold your ground. You are going to be parents together for a long time. Make sure se knows that you are not to be trifled with, but you are willing to be reasonable as long as she is. 

If she makes any suggestions about what your divorced life will look like, ask if she has any suggestions on a stepmother for the kids as well. That will shut that stuff down. 

Finally, when she asks to get back together, you decide if you want that or not. If no, just tell her that ship has sailed. If yes, make sure your conditions are iron clad: different school, open comms, honest counseling, etc. If you fells he is weaseling out, file.

Angeline

I agree with everything @446 said except him leaving the marital bed for any reason.

446

The only reason I would leave the marital bed is if your final decision to divorce is made and you are just looking to make peace. (Ow, my back hurts) It's totally Beta, but could be good Beta in terms of working together with STBXW. 

Thanks for opportunity to clarify.

Changed_Man

Athol_Kay said:

Changed_Man said:

fordsvt said:

Angeline said:

She likely told the OM she was going to be available, and he woke up.

For sure-I eluded to that before as well. She was used for sex that's it. Sounds pretty normal. Stay strong and play your hand slowly. See how things shake out for the next little bit. No beta orbiting and work on your frame bud. Make her wake up and come to you.

And then you'd be Plan B... No. Thanks.

If you've decided that no affair should be recovered as a matter of principle, then you're just here to troll right?

No, Sir, that would be wrong. I do believe some affairs are recoverable, my position has not changed.

Let me clarify... @mapman8's wife moving into an apartment and getting "used for sex", while he waits for her to "wake up" is not a viable strategy. By all means, MAP, find his frame, move on, and make an awesome life with his kids. just don't pine away, waiting for her to come to her senses... That's being a Plan B.

That said, your point is well taken that @mapman8 has yet to issue an A/B ultimatum.  Not giving the ultimatum because you're afraid of the response, but continuing to live in this passive-aggressive state, playing 'chicken' with who's going to file first is ridiculous.


@mapman8, her asking you to watch TV was clearly a 'Gottman' bidding/repair attempt and you blew her off... If you're inclined to salvage this, that was a missed opportunity. Either you're all-in or you're all-out. You need to pick a direction and forge ahead.

FTR, being 'alpha' is not an act, or set of behaviors... it's a mindset. 'Frame' is knowing how you fit in the world, objectively understanding what is in your own best interest (and by extension, the people you love), and having the courage, confidence & resolve to go after it. Alpha = Frame. You can't be alpha without having rock solid frame.

If salvaging this is in your frame, then her bid last night makes the time ripe to give her the ultimatum. The ultimatum is all about boundaries and she will never respect you until clearly state what they are. Give her the ultimatum, but also show her there's a path back to good. If you're right and this is moving towards divorce anyway, you've got nothing to lose. At the very least she'll finally unequivocally know where you stand.