Looking for my own breakthrough

BetaTester

I hear what you guys are saying.  It appears one step forward, two steps back.

I am here to share and listen.   Some back ground on the situation.  She honestly believes the "being overwhelmed" is real.  I did not want it to be a critical moment of neglect in her eyes.   Looking back I may have handed legitimacy to her problems.  The checking it was more for dinner planning than to see how she was.  However she did have opportunity to ask me to come home sooner.  I never offered.

How could I have done differently?  I do not (yet) feel comfortable telling her to suck it up and get out of bed. 

Angeline

Why not? It's a simple expectation that functional adults don't lay around in bed while there are adult tasks to be handled.

Either she's too overwhelmed for life and needs professional, inpatient help, or she gets her ass out of bed like regular people. How you can tell the difference: is she ever "overwhelmed" and misses out on things she likes or really wanted to do? Or is she only conveniently "overwhelmed" when there are boring, unpleasant tasks to be done?

If it looks like lazy, it probably is lazy. 

BetaTester

@Angeline - I guess she is either going to pull herself together or not.  If life continues this way I am will eventually need to spell out an ultimatum.    She complains bitterly if she misses something she likes due to a family function.   It does look like laziness.

Katt

generalzod said:

s?

i find my wife gets really antsy if there aren't clear expectations on who is doing what.  With better planning she finds comfort, even if the planning has built in home time where one watches the kids while the other gets something done.

So it may not be that she's lazy.  She may just not deal well with an absence of guidance and leadership.

OMG You just described me LOL

The weekend must have a plan or I go nuts.   I feel like I'm wandering aimlessly and wasting those 2 precious days that no one has to go to work.  My husband will joke that he'd better come up with something quick because I'm starting to get antsy LOL.   Just something as simple as I'll take the kids with me grocery shopping while he cleans put the shed puts me at peace because I then have a direction.   I know it seems silly but at least now I know it's not just me!

Reborn

@Katt Yeah me too

BetaTester

I thought the plans were clear:  She was going to stay home and relax with the kids while I went out and attended to another responsibility. (I am president of a well known community service organization)  When I returned, I would begin preparing an early dinner. 

Update:   She seemed to be warming up a bit and not so tearful.  I will clearly spell out plans for tonight.  She will make dinner while I take car of yard work.  Kids do homework and pick up their rooms. 

John3

Katt said:

generalzod said:

s?

i find my wife gets really antsy if there aren't clear expectations on who is doing what.  With better planning she finds comfort, even if the planning has built in home time where one watches the kids while the other gets something done.

So it may not be that she's lazy.  She may just not deal well with an absence of guidance and leadership.

OMG You just described me LOL

The weekend must have a plan or I go nuts.   I feel like I'm wandering aimlessly and wasting those 2 precious days that no one has to go to work.  My husband will joke that he'd better come up with something quick because I'm starting to get antsy LOL.   Just something as simple as I'll take the kids with me grocery shopping while he cleans put the shed puts me at peace because I then have a direction.   I know it seems silly but at least now I know it's not just me!

There are two personality types with regard to planning (Myer's Briggs): J's and P's.  J's need a plan.  Plans give them comfort and reduce anxiety.  Some J's need a detailed plan, laid well in advance, communicated, negotiated, and executed without exception. Work time, play time, vacation time, doesn't matter too much.  Some are more relaxed about it.

P's like spontaneity.  While many of them can plan, they prefer not to plan their "free time".  They often associated planning with work and drudgery. Many enjoy creating a plan, but feel no obligation to stick to it.

When a J (planner) marries a P (spontaneous) there is often conflict.  The planner thinks the spontaneous one is lazy because they go into the weekend without a set of objectives. 

The spontaneous one thinks the planner is controlling and overbearing because they insist on planning out the "free time." 

A good resolution (which works pretty well for my J wife and her P husband, me) is to establish a loose plan for the weekend (and the week nights, for that matter).  So it may be my weekend to get something done on the car, lawn needs some work, son has some homework to get finished, and maybe there are a couple of events planned.  The rest of the time we can just do what we feel like.  During those "free times" I'll check in with her and let her know what I'm doing (if I have something in mind), or offer to do something together (go for a walk, whatever), or help her out with something she's thinking about doing.

BetaTester

I just wanted to give a short update on how things have gone since my statement of clear expectations.  For the first two weeks things appeared to get worse.  I held frame but thought to myself "Oh shit!  What have I done".  I kept telling myself if she was not going to be on board, then it was for the best we split up.  But it never came to that.  We had many testing moments.  The dog got away and I found him right away, yet she was trying to pin me as incompetant.  The subject of getting a pool and a second dog also pissed her off.  How and when to manage debt and home improvements were discussed.    I repeatedly stated we should not be afraid to state our opinions and desires.  She said when I give an opinon or options, I am telling her "my way or the highway" and she gets pissed off.  Nothing could be further from the truth as I make it quite clear what I am and am not willing to negotiate.   I am willing to  work things out, but not get yelled at.  I have been holding her accountable for getting started on attending yoga classes or any other type of exercise.  I did not state an ulitmatum, but I have not allowed it to be forgotten either.  Sex frequency has gone up because that is the only direction it could go.  However last night for the first time in over a year she initiated by dressing up naughty and flashing me.  I believe she squirted as I really gave it to her.  What also makes this significant is it is PMS week.  It must be more than 5 years since we had sex this week of her cycle.  The only negative is she told me I left her sore and she may now have a bladder infection.  
 
Finally while lurking on the forum, I read a recommendation to watch Supernanny for parenting help.  Watching a video is much more instructional than reading about parenting.  A new MAP item was begun to "Be a better Dad".  Jo Frost is a genius and her advice has worked well for me so far.