amblrgirl's MAP

amblrgirl

Physicality & Health: 

Currently 5'4, 124 lbs. BMI 21.4, Body Fat% 26.4. Would like to lose 5-10 lbs. and tone up, especial abs, lose 5-10% body fat. Just joined a new gym and hired a personal trainer (2 session per week for 10 weeks). Will take gym classes 3 days a week as well. I've been cutting out processed foods slowly over the last several months and will continue with that. Also eating almost no sugar for the last month, and will continue working to maintain that (chocolate is my weakness!) I need to work on reducing grains. My trainer said he would help with meal planning, so I'll work with his recommendations.

Money: We spend too much eating out. Signed up for Plan to Eat and have loaded some recipes already. Will start using that to plan our meals and reducing eating out to 1-2 times per week. We definitely have some broken items to deal with, so I will begin repairing what I can, trashing what needs to go, and making a list of things that need fixing but that I can not fix myself. Also, have some serious decluttering to do in our master bedroom, garage, and upstairs. And need a system for managing the mass amounts of paper coming into our home each week.

Displaying High Value: I'm going to stop talking about things I'm not good at and just focus on improving them instead. 

Relationship Comfort: I'm pampered when it comes to sleeping. I need to go to bed earlier so I can wake up early in the mornings. Right now, hubby gets up with our daughter to eat breakfast before school. I don't get up until it's time to throw on some pants and go (about an hour later). I want to work on getting up 15 minutes earlier each week until I'm getting up at the same time he does. Also, I need to make a cleaning & laundry schedule and stick to it. Things get really behind around the house and I need to keep up. I've started having the kids clean up after themselves more and will continue to enforce that daily. Also, I want to find a babysitter and start scheduling regular date nights. Surely, I can find a responsible 17 year old in the neighborhood. Today, I challenged hubby to a rock climbing competition when I finish my 10 weeks with the personal trainer. He accepted and it sounds like a fun date (we used to do that when we first started dating), so I need to find a climbing gym and follow through on this date night in 10 weeks.

Personality & Preferences: I don't watch much TV, but I definitely need to limit my phone/internet time. Maybe allow myself 10 minutes in the morning to check on email for anything important, 15 minutes in the afternoon during naptime, and 30 in the evening after the kids are in bed.

High Energy Sex: I am going to stop fantasizing about my ex. I realize I have had a version of oneitis for that guy, like I could have had something with him that I don't get with my husband. But my hubby is a much better man, and the few issues we have are very fixable. So, if I catch myself thinking about my ex, I'm going to willfully change my thoughts back to hubby.

fordsvt

I like what you wrote. It's a very good plan so get to it and make it reality. :-). 

amblrgirl

Quick check-in for accountability:

First week of MAP, and OMG, this energy set thing is no joke! I decided to focus on physicality and health first (primarily working out), but that energy is already helping me in other red areas.

Had my first two sessions with personal trainer last week and he gave me a workout plan to do the other 5 days a week, as well as an eating plan. Missed Saturday because we had a family function, but otherwise, doing well with this and it really is bringing up my whole energy set. 

I thought I would have to work in 15 minute increments to get closer to hubby's wake up time, but I want to work out before the kids get up on days when I'm not meeting my PT. And I'm excited about the work-out, so it's been really easy for me to get up early when hubby does. In fact, this morning, I was up before him!

And while I've always worn make-up and tried to dress cute, I have been the queen of ponytails since having kids because I never had time to do my hair in the mornings. But now that I'm getting up early for a work-out, I've had a little extra time for the blow dryer and hair straightener. I love being all fixed up every day!

I also find I have more energy throughout the day and am more eager to get things done. Our master bedroom has been a storage area for all the outgrown kid stuff, so last week I sorted everything. I took 2 large boxes to a children's resell shop today and have 2 more boxes ready to be donated. Will get those out of the house this weekend.

This week could get a little tough because hubby is travelling and both kids are sick. So I'm going to be looking for ways to get in a workout at home for a few days. But being stuck at home will give me time to work on a cleaning/laundry schedule and menu planning.

Hubby is already noticing a difference and having some interesting responses. He keeps choosing super unhealthy restaurants for dinner - taco places, places that only serve burgers, etc. But I tell him I will not be sabotaged and so far I've managed some creative meals to stay on target. But meal planning and eating at home more would resolve that. He also told me that I was going to be all young and energetic and he was going to be old and creaky. I invited him to the gym with me, but he's declined so far. He does have a crazy work situation going on right now, so I think he's focusing his energy almost entirely on that for now.

I've also been lurking a bit on some of the other discussions in these forums. So much great insight and advice here!

amblrgirl

Accountability Check-in:

Physicality & Health: Still working out with trainer 2x week and working out on my own 4-5x week. Plus following the diet my trainer gave me. Weight is down to 120.8, so definitely good progress there.

Money: Money is kind of an unknown right now due to hubby's job transition. He assures me net will not go down, but I'm trying to save a bit more than usual just in case. I have been cooking lunch at home everyday instead of us going out to eat, but dinner has been hit or miss. When hubby was in town last week, I was better with the cooking. When he's out of town like this week, I haven't wanted to cook full meals and have a messy kitchen to clean up while handling homework, baths, and bedtimes on my own. So we've been eating out/picking up dinner more this week.

DHV: Bought some new lipstick, a new date night dress, and a new nightie (have lots of cute ones but haven't added anything new in awhile, so hubby will appreciate the novelty). Wearing my hair down, and reintroduced thongs to my regular rotation because I know hubby loves them. I'm hoping to find more sundresses and skirts I can add to the wardrobe as the weather warms up. Also, I have stopped wearing panties to bed under my nighties. Hubby discovered this last week and seemed pleased (mounted me immediately). So, I think I'm making good progress in my girl game.

Relationship Comfort: I have been getting up early pretty much every day so that I can get my workout in before I take my daughter to school. And I'm doing a better, though imperfect job of going to bed on time. Cleaning has been rough with hubby's travel (2 out of the last 3 weeks) and a stomach bug for kids and hubby, then head cold for kids and me. I have a lot of cleaning to do before our house guests arrive Friday. I did make a laundry schedule though, so at least I can keep up with that.

Personality & Preferences: No TV now that TWD is over for the season. Still get sucked into phone/internet, especially in the evenings and with hubby out of town.

High Energy Sex: This went pretty well last week. Hubby had some strong initiations and I initiated as well. He did reject one of my initiations, but made it up to me later. So frequency was great last week, and quality was definitely very good. No starfishing on either side, tried some new stuff, and had lots of fun. Hubby is out of town this week and hasn't delivered on promised sexy texts, so not happy about that at the moment. But last week was good, so hopefully we can get back on track when he's home again. Still fantasizing about ex some, especially with hubby out of town and so little communication between us. I know it's bad, needs to stop, will continue working on it.

amblrgirl

Been working on a more detailed MAP, so here it is. I left off things that are already checked off so it wouldn't be crazy long, but these are the reds and yellows I need to work on and the greens I still need to turn on. I think this is more in-depth than what I had before, and of course, I'm open to feedback.

I've seen others using the 3 monkeys approach and that seems effective, so I'm going to start that as well. 

Physicality & Health

No reds. I'm 5/4, 110 lbs, eating healthy and I'm fit. May consider dropping workouts from 6 days a week to 5 days a week to allow for some extra summer activities with the kids.

Yellow - Hoping to get tummy tuck, possibly breast augmentation, and laser eye surgery in the fall. I have found 2 surgeons I want to meet with, so I need to schedule consultations by end of August. Need to continue current savings plan (I think I'm pretty close, but won't know for sure until I get specific pricing at consultation). Also need to find childcare help for first 2 weeks following surgery.

Yellow - Find chiropractor for good alignment check/correction before my surgeries and to help Hubby with recent back pain.

Yellow - Continue laser hair treatments

Green - Need to get outdoors more for fresh air. It's just. so. hot.

Green - Add supplement for hair health/growth to current vitamins.

Money & Materials

Red - We need an official budget. Research budgeting programs (i.e. You Need a Budget) or start using Mint more consistently.

Red - Meal plan and eat at home. Save restaurants for fun, not just because I didn't plan ahead to cook. Create weekly meal plan every Monday, grocery shopping every Tuesday.

Red - Stop ignoring broken items. Make fix-it list for Hubby. Deal with clothes, toys, shoes myself. Take anniversary ring to be repaired.

Red - Need hubby to check on retirement coming out of his paycheck. Has not happened since he started new job and need to get this straightened out NOW.

Yellow - Use it or lose it. Need to declutter. Prioritize kid's toys, art closet, garage, upstairs bonus room, closet in master bedroom,downstairs coat closet.

Yellow - Get control of your time. I need to get on a regular schedule for the summer and prepare everyone in advance for schedule changes in the fall when oldest goes back to school.

Yellow - Start thinking about what I want to do once youngest starts school. Still a few years away, but I could start taking classes or working on certifications (if needed) when he starts preschool. Take MBTI. Research career path assistance through alumni center. Start making professional connections.

Yellow - Consider adding monthly family stipend to my personal retirement account.

Green - Continue separate savings for taxes, rainy day, discretionary, and surgeries.

Green - Begin savings for interior paint and home decor. Consider hiring decorator to help.

Green - Continue monthly deposits into emergency fund.

Green - Invest in your marriage. Schedule 2x month date nights with 1-2 babysitter options. Enjoy August weekend away. Plan for 1-2x year mini-vacations without kids.

Displaying High Value

Red - Act confident, even when I don't feel it (like when I walk over to the free weight side of the gym by myself.)

Red - Use positive statements to frame boundaries with Hubby and kids.

Red - Stop negative self talk. I tend to look at myself (inside and out) and note every way I am not perfect. I need to stop this commentary in my head.

Red - Find other sources for dopamine/relationship. I definitely need more grown-up friendships that are not centered around kids. Need to find a social group/activity to join.

Yellow - Reinstate the "Today I am thankful for..." family dinner conversation.

Yellow - Start passing fitness tests. Need to get way better at this with the kids.

Yellow - Maintain your own frame. Another one to work on with the kids especially.

Yellow - Learn to parent - Tall order. I think I'll be working on this for a few decades, lol! But actually, the other stuff in this section is really good for that.

Yellow - Teach "no x until y". Another good one I've been using more with the kids. I also sort of use it with Hubby. If he's not working my RD and using strong initiations, I'm not really interested in sex. So I won't "do it anyway" if he ignores me all day and then rubs my leg at bedtime.

Green - Dress well. Summer wardrobe is complete. Probably won't buy much else until after surgeries in the fall. Need to work on identifying my personal style and finding the line of sexy but not inappropriate for my age. Add more accessories and shoes.

Green - Grow hair longer. Currently below my shoulders, but would like to get to bra strap length. Research vitamins to ensure it stays healthy. Consider changing the cut/style. May need new stylist. Try hot rollers for kitten hair. Check out halo extensions? 

Green - Be cool. Remember that it is okay to require others to be respectful of me and be sure I am being respectful of them as well.

Green - Lead somewhere. Especially over the summer, I generally let the kids fill their free time as they please. But that sometimes ends in mischief. Need to lead more activites/outings/fun to give them a bit more structure while still allowing for some free time.

Green - Follow somewhere. Follow H's lead when he captains.

Green - Fully embrace my girly side. Continue nails, dresses, makeup, hair, fashion. Be unashamed that I enjoy these things and like to look and feel pretty.

amblrgirl

Relationship Comfort

Red - Stop being lazy. Travel had us all off our schedule. Get back on schedule with morning wake-ups by 7 am for the summer (go to bed in time to get enough sleep). Also, stay on laundry schedule throughout week to avoid playing catch-up on the weekends.

Red - Make a to do list, prioritize, and stick to it.

Red - Create a family chore chart.

Red - Need to proactively plan one-on-one time to connect with each kid. Maybe schedule monthly "dates" with each parent so she can get that focused one-on-one attention.

Red - Plan family fun once a week.

Red - Stop ignoring people. I've always had a problem with this. If someone becomes too much work socially, I just stop trying. If I get busy in life, I'll let a FB message, text, or email request for a get together go unanswered. And if someone is not engaging and pleasant, I just don't interact with them. That has definitely contributed to some of our issues. If Hubby goes to his office, I'm not likely to come seek him out unless I really need something or I'm going to bed. I'll just leave him alone. Need to work on responding to people more consistently/quickly, and also reaching out proactively to others.

Yellow - For the rest of the summer, consider dropping down to 5 days/week workouts and using the extra morning for outdoor fun/field trips with kids.

Yellow - Figure out Hubby's and kids' love languages and start using them.

Yellow - Potty training. Big boy bed. Big transitions for little man over the next year. Be prepared.

Green - Express affection. Be sure I am verbally and physically affectionate with Hubby and kids every day. I am not naturally inclined to physical affection, but do consciously work to provide it anyway.

Green - Plan at least 2/year family vacations.

Personality & Preferences

Red - Stop nerfing your personality. As a child, I had a "big personality". In my teen years, I tempered it quite a bit to fit in. By adulthood, most everyone who meets me thinks I'm very sweet. But they may also think I'm not all that interesting. I actually have a witty, sarcastic sense of humor, but my husband is pretty much the only person who makes me comfortable enough to express it. I worry way too much about offending someone or sounding dumb. I end up coming across as sweet and pleasant, but a little serious sometimes. Need to just say the things in my head and let the chips fall where they may.

Red - Set specific and limited times of day for internet/phone. Otherwise, put them away and enjoy people/activities.

Red - Stop pleasing people. I'll keep working on it. Decided to install a beautiful wine rack even though my Southern Baptist family would see it next time they visit. I'm a grown-up. I can like wine if I want to! Turns out, no one batted an eye. I could have done it long ago, but I was worried about upsetting them, lol.

Yellow - Learn your personality type. I took the Enneagram quiz and I'm 6w5. Totally fits me. Need to get Hubby to take the test and compare how our numbers relate to one another. Also need to take MBTI.

Yellow - Decide what I want my life, career, marriage, sex to look like. Make a bucket list and go after it!

Green - Schedule time to be alone with myself everyday. Even if it's just 15 minutes. Schedule time weekly/monthly to do something I enjoy (hobby or a day out shopping or at the spa).

High Energy Sex

Red - Stop blaming them about sex - Umm, yeah... need to work on this one. I used to blame myself for not being interested in sex. Once I found MMSL, I definitely started blaming Hubby.

Red - Stop faking sexual pleasure - Okay, I do occasionally do this still. I never fake an O (never need to). But there are a few positions in bed that don't have a lot of sensation for me, but that Hubby really enjoys. So I continue to moan a bit instead of going all blank-faced and just enjoy that he enjoys it. I'm hoping to find small tweaks to that position that will make it more stimulating for me. Also, there is a long list of dirty stuff I wish Hubby would do. We took the Mojo quiz and that covered most of it, so I thought he would do more, but not yet. Will give it some time. I'm honestly too embarassed to just tell him. Then I'll feel self-conscious doing it. But if he leads it, then I'm just his dirty little play thing and that's okay.

Red - Stop outside sexual sources - I'm getting better with the ex fantasies. Seeing his FB posts actually reminded me of how different we are. I was always very attracted to him (he's great at the alpha thing), but I'm more compatible with Hubby. That said, it would be dangerous for me to see ex in person, so I'm glad we live in different states now.

Red - Stop trying to force it - Tough one. When I come on to Hubby and he doesn't take the bait, it puts me in a very bad headspace. Need to work on OI. For awhile, I was also having sex with Hubby when I didn't want to. I don't do that any more. If he's not doing the work to keep me attracted, I'm not going to have sex I don't want. It's bad anyway.

Yellow - Be OI or laugh it off when we try something new that just doesn't work.

Green - Express yourself. Practice my dirty talk. Be braver about asking for specific acts that I've been too shy to ask for/initiate.

Green - Continue working to entice hubby so that he can't help but take me as soon as the kids are in bed.

Green - Continue to let husband know when he gets it right.

amblrgirl

Monkeys for July 26 - Aug 2:

1. Organize daughter's room (just got new furniture and need to organize and de-clutter her toys and put everything back in her room).
2. Help daughter finish thank you notes during toddler's naptime. FTR, "help" means get her set up with the supplies and be nearby to help her with formatting/spelling since she's only 6.
3. Meal plan and grocery shop - will only eat out twice as a family this week.

forestleaf

I'm trying to rework my MAP and just read yours, and I just want to say this is an AMAZING MAP!  You put so much time and work into it, and it's inspiring.

SignorePillolaRossa

so, it's not a MAP item for you to delete ex from FB entirely?

amblrgirl

@forestleaf - Thank you! I re-read the MAP book and took lots of notes, so that helped me get more detailed than I did the first time. I have lots to work on, but it feels good to have a detailed plan. And I definitely need the accountability of posting my 3 monkeys each week. 

@SignorePillolaRossa - No. I know you don't agree with that choice, but I want to be honest. I have no plan to "unfriend" him at this time. I already accepted his request and there's been no issue or indication of trouble from him. And it also does me some good to remember the reality of him, instead of just the school girl fantasy in my head - i.e. some of the ways we wouldn't really be compatible.

SignorePillolaRossa

Are you saying that seeing his FB posts / messages are not a source of dopamine for you?

Has seeing him on FB made you stop all sexual fantasies about him ?

amblrgirl

@SignorePillolaRossa - He's only posted once that I've seen on my feed. And he "liked" one post I made about something cute my daughter said. So he doesn't really pop up much. I guess it was a little dopamine when he liked my post, but not much more than the dopamine from anyone else acknowledging that my kid is adorable.

I fantasize about him much less now than I did before the FB connection, but I think that's actually tied to my relationship with Hubby. When H is getting it right and we get a little forward momentum, H is the one in my head. I don't need to fantasize about someone else meeting my needs when H is doing it.

Katt

amblrgirl said:

I fantasize about him much less now than I did before the FB connection, but I think that's actually tied to my relationship with Hubby. When H is getting it right and we get a little forward momentum, H is the one in my head. I don't need to fantasize about someone else meeting my needs when H is doing it.

This is good, but it kind of contains it's own caveat:  what about times when things aren't going well with your husband?   Every marriage has rough days and weeks; do you think the potential dopamine hits of seeing your ex's posts/likes could become problematic when your hubs is having an off week connecting with you?   

forestleaf

Of everything you said in your initial posts, I have to say the fantasies about the ex are a HUGE red flag to me.  I'm glad you are making it a big red.  I have issues with fantasies myself, so I have no idea how a person can change their own fantasies or make themselves fantasize about something/someone new.  If it's not stimulating mentally, a new fantasy quickly falls flat.  And then the old one becomes suddenly very enticing.  I think anything you can do to cut him out of your life completely is a good thing.  I think you know why you're hanging on to him.

amblrgirl

The truth: I know what I should do, but I'm not willing to do it right now.

Maybe that will change as I MAP.

TooEarlyTooLate

Would you do it if hubby told you too?  Maybe that is what you really want.  

amblrgirl

@TooEarlyTooLate - I wish I could say that I was only using the FB connection to get a reaction from H. That was certainly part of the reason I accepted it initially and probably contributes to my keeping the connection. But truthfully, I have complicated feelings about my ex and I'm not ready to end the connection now that it has been made.

That would probably change if ex began causing trouble (I'm usually good at shutting down anyone who gets too close for comfort). But if it continues as nothing more than occasionally seeing a post on my FB feed, it's not a serious danger to my marriage. If H told me to block him, I would probably try to get around it in a very playful way (giggle, make a joke about the ex, give H a kiss and tell him he knows he has nothing to worry about). Then move on and hope H forgets about it. I wouldn't block the ex unless my attempts to playfully side step the issue were seriously shut down and H was genuinely upset. Then, of course, if it became a serious issue for H, I would have to block the ex. But I would so with sadness and it would not be entirely voluntary.

HowlAtTheMoon

That right there is a glaring sign you should block him.

amblrgirl

I know I should. Honestly, I can't even hamster a good reason to keep this connection. I should block ex and be done with it. But at the moment, I'm not willing to do that.

amblrgirl

^^^^^ Yep. 2x4 taken. I have no good response for that.

I guess in my mind, the FB thing is very periphery. There's no real or direct contact and no indication of my ex (or me) pursuing that. So it doesn't feel like a serious threat I need to be concerned about. Even my H doesn't view it as a problem. So basically, my H, my ex, and I are all okay with my ex and I being FB friends as long as no one is pursuing direct contact or attempting to escalate things. So, no real reason to block the ex.

I don't think I fully understand why I'm not willing to sever this connection. I just know that I don't want to.

I have made other hard changes and H is definitely working on things, too. 

 

Angeline

You're not willing to give him up because it's an escape hatch. If your marriage blew up tomorrow, how far down the list is he of people you would call and shoulders you would cry on?

If you have an escape hatch open and a ladder propped up against it, how "all in" are you going to be about fixing the marriage?