Being Recruited - Job Interviews and Offers - Do I tell Wife?

UnBetaMe

Ok, making this short.

Those of you who have been around for a while will maybe recall that I've basically just crushed my job the last couple of years. Awards, big bonuses, vacations etc.

So, lately there has been a huge demand in my area for people with my skill set. Recruiters and my main competitors have been calling me for months.  I normally just put them off as I am happy where I am at.  However, one of my colleagues that has less experience and under-performs me by a wide margin got a 'offer he couldn't refuse' from a competitor.

That lead me to believe that I should maybe at least listen to what these people have to say.
Anyway, over the last month I've had some conversations and interviews with a couple of other companies.

One of the opportunities is basically to head up a department of 25 people in roles like I am in now (not as big of portfolios though) I would have 3 direct reports and they each have 7 people under them.  The COO of the company had lunch with me and I through out a number for a base salary that was higher than my base+bonus average for the last three years.  He said ' We are under a re-org right now, but if we can get you in the right position, I think HR could work something out'.

Cool.  Should hear back on this one this coming week.

Second opportunity is to manage a larger portfolio for a boutique investment firm. It's a smaller organization, but the mandate for the position gives me more latitude than I currently have and the upside potential of income is about  $75-100K more than I currently make.  I have a second interview with this group on Thursday. They are flying in their CIO, CFO, HR person and the EVP of the area I would be managing for a 3 hour interview in my hometown.  Sounds like they are serious. I guess we'll see. 

My original plan is to not tell the wife about this. If I don't get either of the offers, she won't ever know about it.  If I do get one, my plan is to discuss it with her and let her know that I wasn't really looking to move, but I've been offered a compelling opportunity and that we need to seriously consider it.  

Neither of the jobs would require us moving and both would require only limited travel 1-2 days/month on average. I don't really travel much at all right now. Maybe 2 nights/quarter away from home.

Anyone with any experience in this?

Angeline

Wow sounds awesome! is all I can offer!

HildaCorners

I would want to know.

Being recruited is a good thing. It raises your attractiveness. People want you, think you're hot stuff.

Why would you not tell her?

Tiger

When I have been is similar positions, I have always brought my wife in pretty early.  She has a good head on her shoulders and being able to bounce ideas off her has been quite helpful.  The fact that she sees that folks are interested in my skills and talents is also a DHV.

Unless there is something in your history that says that she is not going to be helpful I'd bring her in on it.  She's your FO, you want to leverage her skills and knowledge early.

The_Dude

I think not telling her about something as obviously important that's going on in your life is a bit strange actually.   Seems like you're overthinking basic communication.  If/when she finds out don't you think she's going to wonder why you didn't mention it?

Katt

First, congrats!

I would be pretty upset if my husband didn't tell me something like this, honestly.

RebuildingHusband

I'd tell her. Solicit some feedback. 

UnBetaMe

Well, my wife has no business background, has zero patience and also is very emotional and controlling.

I will certainly tell her if either/both pan out and we can discuss it.  

However, she doesn't know enough about either opportunity or my current job to offer a helpful opinion at this point ... other than she knows that I like my work and am pretty good at it. ETA: And, she gets to go on trips and attend functions where pretty high profile people fill the room. (Funny thing is that she likes those events and I would prefer not going).

I can almost guarantee that she will be negative about it... unless I can come home and say 'Honey, I've been offered a job where I still don't have to travel much, we don't have to move, I'll have more responsibility and the opportunity to earn significantly more money when I succeed'.

Even then she might not like it.  It's all emotional for her and if she can't control it, she doesn't like it.

HildaCorners

UnBetaMe said:

Well, my wife has no business background, has zero patience and also is very emotional and controlling.
...
I can almost guarantee that she will be negative about it...

If that's the case, I can understand why you don't want to tell her until it's an almost completely done deal.

UnBetaMe

Just wanted to thank you all for your input.  I just re-read my OP. I hope these recruiters aren't focused on my grammar! Yikes!

I do feel bad for not including wife on this.  However, I really can't see the value right now. She doesn't seem to give me any props for being good at what I do, so the piece about other companies recruiting me won't be a huge DHV (I don't think).

As an aside, I honestly can't recall the last time my wife complimented me for anything.

On another note. I have no idea what I'm going to tell my current company if I get one/both of these opportunities.  I am pretty sure they know that I am happy with my job, so it would likely blindside them.  But, that's why I shot for the moon when the other companies/recruiters asked what it would take for me to move.

Katt

Is your wife typically negative / unsupportive of your career or is she just not particularly interested in it?  

FWIW, although my husband doesn't pull in an enormous salary, he is very skilled in his line of work, an extremely hard worker, gets shining performance reviews, awards, job offers from vendors, etc, so clearly he is good at his job.   I can't say I often compliment him on being good at his work, although I always let him know how great it is that he got an awesome review, etc.  

I guess I'm just trying to understand if your wife actually has a history of a negative attitude about your career or if she's just somewhat detached / apathetic / uninformed about it.   

Husband3point0

I can't imagine either my wife or myself even doing a phone screen for a position without talking to the other. My wife is absolutely on my 'career jury'. I guess there might be done reason fir you to do this, but it's completely outside my experience. 

UnBetaMe

Husband2point1 said:

I can't imagine either my wife or myself even doing a phone screen for a position without talking to the other. My wife is absolutely on my 'career jury'. I guess there might be done reason fir you to do this, but it's completely outside my experience. 

Isn't your wife a lawyer, though? Of course that would be helpful.

UnBetaMe

Katt said:

Is your wife typically negative / unsupportive of your career or is she just not particularly interested in it?  

FWIW, although my husband doesn't pull in an enormous salary, he is very skilled in his line of work, an extremely hard worker, gets shining performance reviews, awards, job offers from vendors, etc, so clearly he is good at his job.   I can't say I often compliment him on being good at his work, although I always let him know how great it is that he got an awesome review, etc.  

I guess I'm just trying to understand if your wife actually has a history of a negative attitude about your career or if she's just somewhat detached / apathetic / uninformed about it.   

Not so much negative all the time. Just cares about what's in it for her mostly.
When I win awards etc. she'll post on Facebook or whatever.  As for the day to day... she could care less.  If I talk to her about my work she just gets this glazed over look in her eyes and has said that it doesn't make sense to her, so not to talk to her about it.

Tennee

@UnBetaMe said:

On another note. I have no idea what I'm going to tell my current company if I get one/both of these opportunities.  I am pretty sure they know that I am happy with my job, so it would likely blindside them.  But, that's why I shot for the moon when the other companies/recruiters asked what it would take for me to move.

Be prepared for the counter offer to stay.  And consider it - you're happy, right?  One thing to obviously consider (and I assume you have) is the stability of the other places. 

Oh, and the 'glazed over look' - yeah, I completely and totally understand my man...

Husband3point0

UnBetaMe said:

Husband2point1 said:

I can't imagine either my wife or myself even doing a phone screen for a position without talking to the other. My wife is absolutely on my 'career jury'. I guess there might be done reason fir you to do this, but it's completely outside my experience. 

Isn't your wife a lawyer, though? Of course that would be helpful.

Well, she teaches law school now, but yes. She was a lawyer and does have 'office experience'. 

Still, I consulted her before embarking on a job change before we were even married, while she was in graduate school. She had zero job experience and grew up with a completely blue collar family, and still I wanted her thoughts on a very white collar Wall Street investment banking thing. (So, far outside of her knowledge base, even second-hand.)

Maybe that's another example of my overly beta personality, dumping oxytocin on her to the point where she feels entitled to speak up about a career opportunity for me before she became my wife... But, I can say for sure that she appreciated that. 

EinMan

Just a note on headhunters and job interviews.  A lot of people go through a lot of soul-searching before they interview - should I leave my job, am I being disloyal, what would my wife thing, etc.  In my experience, there is no point doing that without an offer.  Don't worry that you're wasting their time - they will be used to offering people jobs and their not taking them. Also, it's still a long way from interview to offer, acceptance, etc.

You don't need to tell anyone you're going on an interview. In fact, it's kind of exciting to do so secretly.  If you took the job without telling your wife, she might have reason to be upset, but she can't help but be impressed if have an offer and are seeking her opinion.

LazyAlpha

The one down side is that they may make you an offer that you want to refuse, but your wife thinks you should take it (or the reverse).  In my own case, I landed a huge offer for  a dream job doing what I love.   The catch being that it involved relocation.  We agonized over the decision - I was turning down a ton of money, but we really have roots where we live now.  Putting the wife through that decision with me was a bit of unnecessary drama as I kind of always knew I didn't want to relocate, but because she knew about the offer, she had to agonize over the decision for herself as well. 

(of course, it is tough to hide an out of town overnight trip for a job interview from your wife).

UnBetaMe

Well, opportunity #1 didn't get back to me today.  I'm guessing that maybe they went for a different candidate.  Honestly, I'm pretty expensive for someone without a lot of people management experience.  I'm confident that I could excel at the job, but I can see why they might have gone a different direction.  
I would appreciate a call back, though. I'd really like to get some feedback on my interview considering I haven't had one in about 7 years!  

I'm still interviewing with the other group on Thursday.  Talked to the recruiter again today and he prepped me on what they are going to focus in on.  Interestingly, the focus and job description details kind of morphed over the last couple of conversations.  It will be interesting to see what the Executives have to say, but the job has become less appealing to me (save the compensation upside) 

UnBetaMe

Wow... 4 hour job interview, including a case study portion.  I felt like I was in grad school again.

Not sure how well I did.  All of the executives seemed interested in me and how I conduct business currently.  I'm not sure if they are looking for someone that fits their system, or someone who has the ability to adapt to it and add additional value?

I spoke with the recruiter afterward and he hadn't gotten any initial feedback.  He did say that the CEO was coming out next week and may want to meet with me.  I'm not entirely sure if this is coincidence or not.  I guess we will see.  If he doesn't meet with me, I'll take it as a bad sign.  If they try to arrange a meeting, I think that's positive.

It is a new position being created, so that was the explanation for the lack of clarity in the role/mandate.  Still a bit concerning to me, though.

Time will tell, but I'm not holding my breath.

dalef

A good blog to read is "Ask the Headhunter".