Extremely frustrated Newbie! Need advice asap. - Thanks

Betterdaysahead!

Well here is some information about my situation. 

Married - almost 10 years, together with wife almost 16 years
Age: Mine - 42, hers is 45
Kids: 3 boys, ages 7, 4,  and almost 2
Work: Both busy professionals 
Sex Life: Used to be pretty good and frequent before kids and even after #1, Slowed down significantly since then.

I have always been a very sexually curious and active person.  I would say that my wife never really was.  I always think that we were sexually incompatible from the start.  She has always had trouble orgasming and has told me that it is not that important to her.  I think she came from a conservative household and has never been that open with her body, emotions and just general affection. 

Lately we probably average sex 1-2 times per month.  She is willing the very odd time to put on some lingerie and does give me oral sex or hand jobs now and again.  The biggest reason she says she is not in the mood is that she is tired from work and the kids. While I can understand this as the same applies to me I am just so attracted to her and want to be close to her and most nights she just end up falling asleep with the kids at 9pm.  I feel lonely and abandoned.

I almost exclusively throughout our relationship have been the one to pursue her for intimacy.  Now I am just getting tired of it.  We generally generally have a good relationship, both earn very good money, have similar interests but sex or lack thereof is the one thing we both admittedly fight about.  She feels that I blame her and hold her responsible for everything I am feeling and that we are just different people with different sex drives. I am pretty sure that she is not having an extra marital affair and I know that I am not. 

I am sure there is lots more I can put down and I will later.  That said, the urgent question I have after reading Athol's books and trying to be extremely positive, the leader, etc. etc. is should I confront her about how long it has been since we have had sex?  It has been almost 7 weeks and about 3 weeks since she gave me oral sex. I am going crazy not saying anything or doing anything about it.  I cannot believe that she does not realize this. My worry of course is that this will just continue the typical spiral of blame and push her away further.  She will think I am keeping score, etc. 

Please help.  What should I do right now if anything? 

Best
APD
 

LadyOrTheTyger

Betterdaysahead! said:  That said, the urgent question I have after reading Athol's books and trying to be extremely positive, the leader, etc. etc. is should I confront her about how long it has been since we have had sex?  APD
 

No.  That has never worked for anyone.  You've read the books; do you have a MAP?  Would you fill out a triage?

Edit:  here is the link to the triage questions:  http://marriedmansexlife.com/triage-your-relationship-and-the-911-er-category/

Leatherleaf

How often do you initiate?
Describe a typical initiation.
Describe a typical rejection. 
How often does she reject?

Betterdaysahead!

LAdyOthetyger - yes I will do a triage when I have a little more time.  

Letherleaf - I likely initiate once per week or ever 2 weeks.  Usually the secret code we use around the kids or even alone is if she would like a massage? I could sometimes just ask outright or when hugging at somepoint during the day when I approach her. A typical rejection will be either:

1) Maybe but please don't hold me to it or be mad if I am to tired or fall asleep
2) Yes likely on a certain night, in the shower for example after her sports activity 
3) NO I am just to tired with a little grunt like I cant even believe you are asking cant you see how busy I have been or how tired I am. 

I would say she rejects 50-75% of the time. 

Athol_Kay

Nooooooo.... don't confront her about it. That's one of the three critical mistakes I talk about in Part One, Episode 1.

https://vimeo.com/ondemand/marriedguyguidepartone

HildaCorners

Welcome!

Please keep reading/watching Athol's stuff.

And search the forum for "responsive desire". Basically, women's sexuality doesn't work the same way men's does ... we don't need sex the same way you guys do. In short, if you wait for your wife to initiate sex in an overt way, you may be waiting a very long time.

There are some things you can do, all detailed much better in Athol's work (especially the new videos):

- become more attractive to her. Not just looks, but also what you do, and how you approach life.

- keep her motor running. Do lots of tiny sexual moves, even (especially) when you can't take it further, to build her responsive desire. Think of it as all-day low level foreplay.

- initiate with action, not words. Once the kids are in bed, start making out on the sofa. Carry her up to bed. Place her lingerie on the bed before she goes upstairs. The less talk, the better,

- if she says "no sex", stop. Go do something else interesting, without whining or complaining. Initiate again tomorrow. Note: "I'm tired" is not a hard no.

Leatherleaf

Betterdaysahead! said:

LAdyOthetyger - yes I will do a triage when I have a little more time.  

Letherleaf - I likely initiate once per week or ever 2 weeks.  Usually the secret code we use around the kids or even alone is if she would like a massage? I could sometimes just ask outright or when hugging at somepoint during the day when I approach her. A typical rejection will be either:

1) Maybe but please don't hold me to it or be mad if I am to tired or fall asleep
2) Yes likely on a certain night, in the shower for example after her sports activity 
3) NO I am just to tired with a little grunt like I cant even believe you are asking cant you see how busy I have been or how tired I am. 

I would say she rejects 50-75% of the time. 

No secret codes. Don't ask.  

"Bed. Now". With a look in your eyes. 
Long slow kiss. "I want you. Bed. Now."
"meet you in the bedroom in 15 minutes. Put on something sexy."

Start earlier in the day with innuendo, sexting, wandering hands, long kisses. Etc. 

if she says no. Just stop.  Look at rejection as her missing your awesomeness. Walk away and do something better. 

When to initiate?  Umm whenever you want sex. 

Your triage might reveal something but your initiations are very weak man.  Brad Pitt would get rejected with those man! The good news is that you can change that. 

Then read Sex God Method and put that into effect. Report back!

Angeline

Or, you know, what this guy said:

Athol_Kay said:

Nooooooo.... don't confront her about it. That's one of the three critical mistakes I talk about in Part One, Episode 1.

https://vimeo.com/ondemand/marriedguyguidepartone

Betterdaysahead!

While I like Leatherleafs approach I think it may be to radical of a departure from what I currently do. I would love to try it but don't want to burn the bridges by going to fast to soon. Given My wife does not orgasm I am stil not sure there is not some sort of psychological or medial issue. That said, I know she would refuse to go to the doctor to check it as we have discussed this before. 

Betterdaysahead!

Any harm in divulging that I am on a self improvement plan to become more positive, funny, and in-shape for myself?

Betterdaysahead!

Told her pretty directly  tonight that I had to have her this week and she said not tonight but sometime later this week. She would let me know. We have started to kiss/hug in the mornings before going to work and also spending a little time if even 15 mins together before going to bed at night. 

Tennee

You will have to shake the status quo.  Have you read Primer yet?  

Betterdaysahead!

Not sure.  What's the Primer?

Betterdaysahead!

If it is Athols book then yes. 

Rico

Betterdaysahead! said:

Any harm in divulging that I am on a self improvement plan to become more positive, funny, and in-shape for myself?

 Don't do it - it's tempting, but it will not accomplish anything positive at this point, and will probably come across more at a needy cry for attention.  Needless to say, women don't find that sexy.

HildaCorners

Betterdaysahead! said:

Any harm in divulging that I am on a self improvement plan to become more positive, funny, and in-shape for myself?

All this would do is set you up for defeat when you don't meet her timetable of when you become awesome.

Let your actions speak for you. 

DaddyOh

"Told her pretty directly  tonight that I had to have her this week and she said not tonight but sometime later this week. She would let me know"

That has to change with time, especially the last part. 
Re read the books again 

Betterdaysahead!

I guess I need to be very patient and go through all the steps before I start to see true improvement which may mean actually,less sex in the short-mid term as we are now both conditioned to the typical dance we have going now.

SMan

The Prime Directive for guys healing their marriages with the MAP is:

STFU

SaigoTakamori

apd2412 said:

I guess I need to be very patient and go through all the steps before I start to see true improvement which may mean actually,less sex in the short-mid term as we are now both conditioned to the typical dance we have going now.

Just Sayin.. Do This Below:   If Athol tells you to do something..Do what he says.


Athol_Kay My Underground LairPosts: 6,965

March 29

Nooooooo.... don't confront her about it. That's one of the three critical mistakes I talk about in Part One, Episode 1.

https://vimeo.com/ondemand/marriedguyguidepartone

BrianC

I am usually pretty good about helping people find things they can do right away once I have just a little more information.  I'd love to read a triage.  In the meantime, here's where I recommend that you start.

• Slowly start turning up the flirting little by little until it is a nearly constant game with her.
• Just dive into the exercise, start getting ripped ASAP.
• Start taking an active hand in meal planning, make your diet leaner and more protein-rich.
• If you don't have a budget, make one, leave money for fun in there.
• Start taking your wife out on dates that include at least two bounces.
• Kill any major time wasters:  if something genuinely relaxes you and brings you joy, keep it up, but stuff you just do when you are feeling like a zombie - like staring at the TV - need to be cut out.  A good guideline is: Does it require you to think or move around a lot?  If yes continue, if no, remove.
• Institute a family game night: Boys at seven and four are amazingly fun critters to be around, and being the manly dad to a pair of happy sons is damned sexy.

You mentioned that you are both busy - how busy are you?  Is your wife stressed or worn out at the end of the day?  Are you?  Do either of you work Saturdays?  The more you see of each other the better a chance you'll have of enjoying each others' company, so taking the lead in managing time for both of you would be a great start.