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Comments
Q2. No medical issues with myself. Not sure about my wife. Pretty sure she does not orgasm or has very few times ever. She does not agree to have this checked out. She says that this does not necessarily ruin sex for her and she still enjoys it when it happens.
Q3. We are both financially comfortable. I make a very good salary and am a good provider. WE are both pretty physically active. I am about 10 lbs overweight and she would probably say the same. In terms of rank I would say we are both 7-8 category.
Q4. WE have had some critical moments and bad fights where we both said we would leave the relationship. Probably more me than her. We then patched it up. Also, a couple of critical moments when I have drank to much and got upset with her for not being affectionate or wanting to have sex.
Q5. I do not believe there are other sexual sources on either side. 99% sure but I guess you never know .
Q6. Sex went bad pretty steeply after our first child about 7 years ago. Especially since our third child since he is still so young and we are so busy. I am also doing my MBA which makes things even busier and more stressful. That said, it used to be much more frequent and pretty hot...but never crazy. Which I was still ok with. Now she is afraid of kids waking up and walking in, not in the mood, etc. etc.
Q7. As I said above at the start it was more adventurous but not crazy. Some toys, different locations, positions, sometimes initiated by her. Definitely better. Her excuse now is that we are just older and these things change. That said, she is willing the odd time when in the mood to put on some wicked lingerie, do some different sexual acts that I like, etc. Have not brought toys back-in yet as I am afraid and she might be scared b/c of kids finding, interrupting etc.
Q8. I do love porn but I don't think obsessively. I also have had a long term crush with a colleague (although now leaving) . Have sometimes resorted to massage places etc. just to get some touch and release but never an affair. She may even assume or know this.
Q9. It is fairly equal and comes and goes. She is very assertive, smart and does lead many times.
Q10. When times were good we had more time to ourselves. We travelled more together and just simply laughed alot. I was happier and funnier. Probably less stressed. Our third child really took a toll on me from a parental giving perspective. I can get very short fused and am working on changing that. I know she hates my snarky comments about the kids, how bratty they can be, how much work they are etc. Drives her crazy. She hates wining she says.
throw out any alcohol, if you're awesome, you don't need it!! Lose the extra weight then start lifting weights. Get ripped!! You'll see her start to check you out more and more.
one thing that really helped me was just letting my wife talk after work. I would sit and listen, no interupting her and let her get it all out. When she'd ask about my day? It was awesome (no matter how shitty it was). I keep everything positive and upbeat. When I go to the gym I get rid of any built up stress and anger and come out feeling, well....... positive and upbeat.
just doing things like this will have a major affect on how your wife reacts to you. She specifically mentioned whining.... Fucking stop whining!!! Be positive!!! If you get turned down for sex... Go study or fix something. Stay positive (no pouting or sulking) don't even let on it bothers you.
Min time she'll be initiating or at least hinting at her willingness for sex if you initiate.
Dont give up, don't expect things to change in a week or two. You have to show her your changing for the better. Actions, not words!!! It will still be while longer until she actually convinces herself that you have changed for the better and not just to get sex.
Take the lead, show her how strong you really are, I'm pretty sure she's been waiting for you to do it and growing tired of it.
If you address most of the things listed by myself and others, I'm sure that within a short time you'll notice changes in her behavior towards you.
be positive, confident and above all... Be a leader.
Q5. I do not believe there are other sexual sources on either side. 99% sure but I guess you never know .
Umm. Porn addiction, emotional affair, physical affair. You are in denial if you don't think there is outside sexual sources.
Don't underestimate how important having the occasional orgasm is to build a healthy sex life. If your wife isn't really enjoying sex she is going to want a lot less of it. You don;t have to make sure she orgasms all the time, but if it is less than half the time I guarantee you that it is negatively affecting her attraction to you.
Many (approx 70%) women have trouble reaching orgasm from regular sex, because the most intense stimulation comes from the clitoris. If it is to far away from the vagina, women can't orgasm. A good way to see if this is the reason is to try teasing it while you are having sex, or see if you can bring her to orgasm with oral/manual stimulation. If she has no trouble getting an O these ways, then there are simple moves you can add to your bedroom repertoire that can help.
One of the ideas @Athol_Kay often uses is that what is good for healthy children is what is sexy. Being fit means fit babies. Being tough and stoic means that your babies will be safe. Being loyal means your babies will be looked after. Being wealthy means the baby will be warm and happy, etc.
This does extend to the way men care for the children around them. The more he has fun with and is engaged with his kids, the sexier he is. This is a great place to build up some serious points.
All men are great men, most fail to see the greatness in themselves.
Power, Passion, Principle and Purpose: The Wild Man Project
My most popular articles: The Art of the Apology (also on video), The Basics of Assertiveness, The Art of Friendship
Best toy ive introduced in 33 years with her.
Female orgasms are not involuntary, we can will ourselves not to have them. If your wife isn't attracted, she might have decided, possibly subconsciously, not to O with you.
The cure? Keep improving yourself.
Enneagram 5w4. I'm researching what that means, before designing t-shirt art about it.
"I feel no shame in making lavish use of the strongest muscles, namely male ones (but my own strongest muscle is dedicated to the service of men - noblesse oblige). I don't begrudge men one whit of their natural advantages as long as they respect mine. I am not an unhappy pseudomale; I am female and like it that way." RAH
Sorry to be so strident, but no, not now. If you doubt the veracity of Athol's claims (and the accumulated wisdom of the group), there are ways you can check without asking her about it. Women don't want to be asked. They just want you to know. (Could somebody please provide a link?)
You would check the veracity of Athol's claims by following the suggested advice and gauging her reaction. You have eyes. No need to ask for guidance (which is how you'll come off if you ask). Believe half of what you see and none of what you hear. When it comes to attraction, you're never supposed to take her word for it. Actions only. Ask you average woman married to your average guy if she likes muscles. She will likely demur. In her heart, though, she wants those muscles. She might not even admit it to herself for fear of what it might mean about her and her values/morals.
Don't ask. Very likely she won't or can't tell you what you want to know because she doesn't know herself. And especially don't ask her to guarantee that if you put in all this awful lot of work, that she will come around and give you the sex life/relationship you want. There are no guarantees in this business... but "nothing ventured, nothing gained."
And another thing; for women, the frequency of orgasm is not a good proxy for a satisfying sex life. The lucky few can orgasm like men, from PIV alone, but for the rest of us it's more complicated; we can really enjoy intercourse without orgasm and not feel like the encounter was somehow unfinished. I.e., "release" works differently for girls. Ironically, IME a better indicator of her satisfaction may be something Athol wrote about a while ago: if she purrs and clings to you after sex, she's satisfied. (I can attest to the truth of this.). So set the orgasm issue aside for now, especially if she says she's had trouble with it before, it means she already feels pressure about it. Take that pressure off her and focus on other pleasures, and it may all come together when the time is right.
Aside from this, I agree with everything else the other posters have said. Part of the reason you should not sit and have a conversation with your wife about this is because in order for her to feel safe enough to let go and have orgasms with you, she has to believe that you are strong and unflappable. If you sit and ask and have a conversation, she will experience that as you being insecure or weak, and therefore deeply affected by her anorgasmia. You need to strike a balance between not caring if she has an orgasm or not, but also being able and willing to do what it takes to bring her to OrgasmVille if she wants to go there.
Quite honestly I am going to find it hard to be the ideal Alpha/Beta mix without accidentally being mean sometimes. How do I work around this?
BTW I am not some sort of shrinking violet, introverted person. I am a very strong successful leader outside of home and inside still a pretty large boisterous presence and can be very direct with my wife. In fact, I have often been told that when in most social circles even with other men that are older, higher ranking, better looking etc, that I still hold the position of Alpha male in the room. This has been told to me by females both friends and even first time encounters.
I think were I have truly failed at home is that I am so anxious for my wifes attention and sex that I have pandered, pleaded, complained, argued, been depressed etc. and this has lowered my Alpha status. I just don't know how not to blow my fuse when I have not gotten sex after a couple of weeks. I go nuts!
Trust the process even if you get poor feedback from her for awhile. Make her come to your Frame. It takes time, but is totally worth it.
The Alpha takes care of the pack. He is the leader. That is the strictest natural definition. It involves several things (and many more that can't be put into words).
*Stoicism - the belief that the alpha can handle anything. Pain, rejection, etc. These are just words to an alpha. When people talk frame this is it.
*Decisiveness - the ability to make a decision and see it through. But also the ability to listen to the pack and take their needs into account.
*Self-Care - the ability to put your needs up there (somewhere). When the pack is getting their needs met then the alpha makes sure not only are his needs met but also his wants.