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Not dating until divorce is final - attracted to a friend
I am separated and will be be divorced this summer (God willing). I tried dating while separated and it was a disaster. My wife found out about it and confronted my GF at work. It was very embarrassing. GF and I no longer together. Not looking for more drama. There is a different woman who I have been friends with for years. We used to be neighbors but she moved about 30 minutes away. I always enjoyed her company and found her to be attractive, smart and with values I respect. She is a high value woman. She is divorced and has children. My daughter used to be friends with her daughter, but now they hate each other. Not sure how that would pan out. I was thinking of telling this woman that i would like to date her once my divorce is final, but im not sure if this is a good idea. Would it be better to wait until the divorce is final? Any suggestions on having the daughters get along would be appreciated as well.
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Who you are dating is none of your ex-wife's business.
The fact that your ex-wife confronted your girlfriend at work shouldn't be "embarrassing", it should be grounds for a court order. That's basically stalking and harassment.
Unless.....
Unless you're not actually committed to divorce?
Is it over? And maybe I should ask, do you and your wife still live together?
I'm not sure if a triage is the way to go here since your marriage seems (seems) to be over, but more background would be good.
'when you get divorced' - is a terrible idea.
Just because she's your friend and you've known her for a long time doesn't mean the laws of love get suspended. You have to play it right.
Get yourself in a place where you can date her, then make the move.
Here is some background on my failed marriage. STBX and I separated last April. STBX did not respect me. She was a bully and manipulator. I share the blame because I put up with it for years. The issue that finally drove us apart was her wanting a 3rd child. We already have 2 children, one through birth and the other through adoption. For more than a year, STBX said she wanted to adopt a 3rd child. I always said no. She would bring it up in front of the children, asking them if they wanted to be a big sister. I asked her to quit doing that, but she did it anyway. I did not like conflict, and this caused me a great deal of stress. It finally came to the point where she said that we would not stay together if I did not go along with her plan. I did not want to break up the family, and I gave in to her demands. That was a critical error. I should have stood my ground and insisted that we go to marriage counseling. But everyone makes mistakes.
We went through the process of the adoption which involved alot of paper work. I found out that STBX had been secretly putting most of her paycheck in a separate account for years. I had always wondered why she didnt contribute more to the household expenses. Anyway, her aunt also gave us alot of money for the adoption. I thought that maybe my feelings would change and I would want the adoption, but it never happened. STBX found a child she wanted to adopt and we were planning to go to China in a matter of a few months. I think I had a nervous breakdown. I couldn't handle the stress. I broke down and told STBX that I didn't want to go through with the adoption. She insisted that it was too late. I was very unhappy with STBX, and I was feeling less attracted to her because she was overweight. When I suggested that we both try to get in better shape, she yelled at me for calling her fat. So then I made another key blunder, I chatted up a coworker who had flirted with me before and told her I was attracted to her. The feeling was mutual. I told her that STBX and I would be separating soon. At first it was just an emotional affair. STBX found out about it and threatened to expose the affair to my boss. I asked her to go to marriage counseling but she refused. I went to an attorney.
Things were really bad as I continued to live at the house. She hacked my facebook account and posted as me that we were going to adopt this girl from China. It was very embarrassing at work as people kept congratulating me. She would say horrible things about me in front of my daughter. She would dump water on me in the middle of the night and play loud music outside my bedroom in the middle of the night. We had not slept in the same bedroom for years. It was hell. I asked her repeatedly to go to marriage counseling. She did make one appointment, but she cancelled it at the last minute. I finally moved out. When I came to get my stuff, she was not supposed to be there. She and her parents were there. They had parked in the back yard so i wouldn't know they were there and her father had already changed the locks on the door. She didn't pay any bills for 4 months and told everyone either that I had left her for another woman or that I was bisexual. She told me in front of our daughters that she had joined a group called the straight spouse network and that it was really helpful. STBX has OCD and has been convinced for years that I am bisexual. I am not. She even called my mother to tell her that I was bisexual. So yeah, I would say its over.
Now for your friend ...
Don't tell her you want to date her "some day." As Leo said, that serves no purpose. Instead, you can hang out together without making it a formal date, building relationship comfort and a little attraction, then making a move after the divorce is final.
As for the girls ... how old are they? If they're in high school, they may be off to college before you get serious with this woman (if you do).
Enneagram 5w4. I'm researching what that means, before designing t-shirt art about it.
"I feel no shame in making lavish use of the strongest muscles, namely male ones (but my own strongest muscle is dedicated to the service of men - noblesse oblige). I don't begrudge men one whit of their natural advantages as long as they respect mine. I am not an unhappy pseudomale; I am female and like it that way." RAH
So.... what happens if she just stays on part time work? What if she decides to just keep stalling on you?
You're playing nice against someone who had a secret bank account for years.
I think she is better at poker than you.
That is not your problem.
Yet you are making her problem your financial cross to bear.
Split the assets and if she wants the house badly enough she can figure out a way to keep it.
And what about the kids, where do they live? They spend 50/50 of their time with you, right?
I'm getting the impression you haven't had any legal advice at all. Can you afford at least one visit to a lawyer?
Don't jump at the first warm body you run into. Take some time to create a stable life, then date on your terms and be selective.
You really need to do this immediately.
Plan to spend around $400/hr or so for services of a good quality legal counselor. Trying to save $400 now will likely cost you many tens of thousands in the near future.
Second, if this is your concern you definitely need a lawyer, or an hour with a paralegal to learn about the law. What I'm going to say is how things work in my northeastern stte, but laws are similar in all the USA.
Alimony is as dead as a dinosaur ... in order to get more than 1-2 years alimony while you learn a trade (and show proof), you have to be in late middle age or older and a housewife for 20+ years ... in other words, totally unemployable.
Child support is usually determined by formula, and based on the difference between the two spouse's incomes, assuming they are working at the mid-income level in their professions, or at minimum wage. Given that you're a teacher, your wife would be lucky to see enough support money to pay rent on a 2 bedroom apartment in a bad part of town. And if she ever earns more than you, and you have joint custody ... she will have to pay you.
[Disclaimer: I'm not a divorce lawyer, but am a divorce client.]
Enneagram 5w4. I'm researching what that means, before designing t-shirt art about it.
"I feel no shame in making lavish use of the strongest muscles, namely male ones (but my own strongest muscle is dedicated to the service of men - noblesse oblige). I don't begrudge men one whit of their natural advantages as long as they respect mine. I am not an unhappy pseudomale; I am female and like it that way." RAH
I am a single father. I left my wife and took my daughter.
I would suggest that you get at least a 2 bedroom apartment, and furnish it for 2 daughters. At their age, they can have input about who they live with. Show the courts that you have a stable and constructive home.
Stop thinking and acting like you have no worth, you will find it here.
It seems like a good idea to me, regardless of your situation. Captain is the last person who abandons the ship, right? Divorce is tough, emotionally and financially. Wouldn't be better to get over it first, reboot, and take full control of you life back? And then, after all is done, invite someone to share you new (awesome) life with you?
I would want to protect my new GF from the baggage of my past as far as it is possible.
Captain in training
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