Not dating until divorce is final - attracted to a friend

2

Comments

  • John3John3 SeattleSilver Member Posts: 1,396

    Your STBX wife's actions make it pretty clear that she is not worried about you in the slightest.  Stop worrying about her.  If she acts badly, get a restraining order.  The worse she behaves, the better your chances at directing the custody battle.  And it will be a battle.  She's letting you take the kids now because it's convenient for her.  But when the calculations are done and she doesn't get money when she shares the kids with you...what do you think she is going to do?

    Go see a lawyer. Protect yourself. Do you know how much money she has hidden away?  Divorce lawyers come out of the family assets.  Let her make a mortgage payment, and you go see a lawyer. 

    The woods are lovely, dark and deep.
    But I have promises to keep,
    And miles to go before I sleep,
    And miles to go before I sleep.
    AlexZDaddyOh
  • elgringoelgringo VirginiaMember Posts: 71
    I have an appointment to see a lawyer on Wednesday.  I am compiling a list of questions to ask the lawyer so that I am not wasting time and money.  $250 an hour adds up fast! Will report back.
    EliseScarlet
  • elgringoelgringo VirginiaMember Posts: 71
    I met with a lawyer yesterday and feel good about it.  She said to figure out what my goals are and proceed from there. My goals are to protect my retirement and have 50/50 custody of my girls.  The attorney suggested trying to make an offer to stbx.  If stbx and I can agree to terms, we can get a separation agreement and no fault divorce without spending alot of money. I offered to let stbx have house free and clear and keep my name on mortgage for 2 years and provide some alimony for 2 years in exchange for her not touching my retirement.  Her reply was that she wanted alimony for 10 years! Clearly we have some work to do and it is possible that we may have to go to court, but at least we are starting the process and that makes me happy.  

    Stbx is working part time right now and is looking for another job.  She really wants to keep the house so that does give me some leverage.  I am very much looking forward to being divorced!
    AngelineShepard
  • HildaCornersHildaCorners Winter? You call *that* winter?Gold Women Posts: 3,377
    My personal opinion, but I would vote against giving her a quitclaim deed but staying on the mortgage. If you are on the mortgage, you keep half ownership.

    Why? If she defaults on payment, your credit rating suffers. If she defaults and the bank forecloses, your credit rating is tanked (hers is too), and any sale profits go 100% to her. Depending on where you live and how much equity is in the house, she may take a profit even with a foreclosure.

    Best would be to get the house appraised, determine your total assets, and split the dollar value 50/50. You keep half ownership of the house until she gets a mortgage in her name alone.

    As far as 10 years of alimony go ... have your lawyer calculate out the amount. If it's quite low, you just might want to agree to the 10 years just to avoid the fight. [I've heard of alimony amounts as low as $50 a month.] Or run the calculations based on her working full time.

    Enneagram 5w4.  I'm researching what that means, before designing t-shirt art about it.

    "I feel no shame in making lavish use of the strongest muscles, namely male ones (but my own strongest muscle is dedicated to the service of men - noblesse oblige). I don't begrudge men one whit of their natural advantages as long as they respect mine. I am not an unhappy pseudomale; I am female and like it that way." RAH
    AngelineJohn3
  • John3John3 SeattleSilver Member Posts: 1,396
    Tapping into retirement has penalties associated with it...be sure to include what she would get...not what the value is, when you value the retirement amount.  It can change the calculation significantly. And +1 for what @Hildacorners said.  Do what you think is right, but don't screw yourself in the process.
    The woods are lovely, dark and deep.
    But I have promises to keep,
    And miles to go before I sleep,
    And miles to go before I sleep.
    HildaCorners
  • elgringoelgringo VirginiaMember Posts: 71
    edited April 2015
    Latest update.  STBX does not want to give me 50/50 custody.  She thinks it is too disruptive to the children.  I told her i am willing to go to court to get 50/50 custody.  If we do go to court, then we would sell the house and split the profits.  That would be good.  But she would also get half of my retirement (not good). She just told me that she may be losing her job.  She finds out for sure in about 6 weeks.  That is a serious turd in the punchbowl.  Arrgggh.  She has a college degree and is qualified to work as a teacher.  Not sure she would qualify for alimony.  I would like to move the process along, but im thinking it might be best to see if she loses her job and then move on from there.  Very frustrating.
  • dalefdalef Silver Member Posts: 1,963
    Move now while she still has the job.
  • AngelineAngeline planting seedsCategory Moderator** Posts: 14,500
    If she out-earned you for the entire marriage, it is far more likely that she would pay alimony. At least, that is the possibility you can raise to kill the talk about her having full custody. Talk to theclawyer again, and get a consult with a father's rights firm.
    "Speak your truth." - Scarlet
    Remember to play!
    Do the right thing, whether anyone is watching or not.
    Be married, until you are not.

    Email address: angeline.greenwood@att.net
    HildaCornersJellyBeanJohn3
  • GingerEtoileGingerEtoile central midwestSilver Member Posts: 57
    Divorce is expensive. One friend told me "prepare to lose everything. " That wasn't too far off. But it's only money and you can make more. You will financially recover.

    I second the opinion that joint custody is the way to go. As a parent with sole custidy, I think children are better off having parents equally share responsibility. And it's a better financial split.
    AngelineJellyBean
  • Frank_LondonFrank_London in transitSilver Member Posts: 1,853
    Any change will be disruptive for the children. It's unavoidable.
    It's not up to her to decide, on her own, what arrangement best for them. You are the other parent and you get a say too.
    At any rate, it's very self-serving and entirely too convenient that her solution is the one that suits her perfectly.

    As for the job issue, don't be spooked by it. Don't take anything she says at face value; and don't take your lay opinions of how the law works at face value. The fact that she may be temporarily unemployed, depending on your jurisdiction, may or may not have a big impact on the kind of settlement you get in the end. I'm not a lawyer - I'm merely making the observation that you and your STBX aren't either, and your opinions about the impact of her job loss may not be accurate at all.
    AngelineHildaCorners
  • HildaCornersHildaCorners Winter? You call *that* winter?Gold Women Posts: 3,377
    Alimony and support (if any) are often calculated on earning ability, not the amount of the current paycheck.

    So if she's trained as a teacher, currently out of work in a good job market for teachers, the courts will assume she can earn a teacher's salary, or at minimum, that of a long term substitute.

    You need to find out how things work where you live, both the laws and the unwritten codes the judges follow.

    Enneagram 5w4.  I'm researching what that means, before designing t-shirt art about it.

    "I feel no shame in making lavish use of the strongest muscles, namely male ones (but my own strongest muscle is dedicated to the service of men - noblesse oblige). I don't begrudge men one whit of their natural advantages as long as they respect mine. I am not an unhappy pseudomale; I am female and like it that way." RAH
  • JaaDJaaD Upstate NYSilver Member Posts: 103
    elgringo said:
     $250 an hour adds up fast! Will report back.
    Cheap.  Mine was $300 (Upstate NY) and my GF (in L.A. ) was $400. My total bill came to be about $4,000 and worth every penny. You're not going to spend hours on the phone or in person with your lawyer.

    A good lawyer will save you 10's of thousands of dollars in the long run and not let a STBX get any more than the law prescribes.

    Does yours bill by the 1/10 hour?  Mine was 1/5th. That is something that can make a bit of difference.

    I found out that STBX had been secretly putting most of her paycheck in a separate account for years

    1/2 of that is yours.


    HildaCorners
  • RedIsTheNewBlackRedIsTheNewBlack CapricaMember Posts: 43
    elgringo said:
    The kids basically spend 50/50 time with me.  STBX and I do not have a separation agreement.  Right now I see the girls every other weekend and i pick them up from school twice a week and they get picked up by their mom at bedtime. .........  I would like for it to be completely 50/50 once we are divorced.

    That's not even close to 50/50. 

    Most states only count overnights, hours during the day then don't count toward the timeshare.  Your current time with your girls is 2/14 days.  That's 14/86, not 50/50.  You have been doing that for a year, setting that up as the status quo.  You have also been paying the mortgage at the marital home, supporting your stbx by paying that $ x/month as a status quo.  Judges like to keep the status quo when they decide on custody and support amounts.  What you have done for the last year will make it more difficult for you to get 50/50 custody and has made it more likely that you will have to continue to support your stbx.

    I hope that your new lawyer helps you with solid strategies to turn your ship around.

  • elgringoelgringo VirginiaMember Posts: 71
    I had to keep paying the mortgage or my credit would be ruined. I am trying to work out an arrangement with her now so that I can keep my retirement. I am offering to keep my name on mortgage and pay it for three years if she does not take any of my retirement. Within that time she will have to refinance house in her name or sell it. I think its more than fair. She is going to discuss it with a lawyer and then get to me.
  • Frank_LondonFrank_London in transitSilver Member Posts: 1,853
    edited May 2015
    It sounds like you're getting a raw deal.
  • HildaCornersHildaCorners Winter? You call *that* winter?Gold Women Posts: 3,377
    Have you discussed your plan with a lawyer?

    You can probably get a better deal if your lawyer does the negotiating for you ... possibly enough to pay the lawyer's fees.

    Enneagram 5w4.  I'm researching what that means, before designing t-shirt art about it.

    "I feel no shame in making lavish use of the strongest muscles, namely male ones (but my own strongest muscle is dedicated to the service of men - noblesse oblige). I don't begrudge men one whit of their natural advantages as long as they respect mine. I am not an unhappy pseudomale; I am female and like it that way." RAH
  • GingerEtoileGingerEtoile central midwestSilver Member Posts: 57
    @elgringo , just a couple of thoughts...if your name is on the mortgage, and you keep paying it and leave it up to her to sell or refinance, then she has that power. She can totally hold you hostage by not getting around to selling/refinancing. She can trash it, move out with someone new, and stick you with the mess. If she doesn't feel like selling, or it's too hard, or whatever...you're still on the hook. You'd have to take her back to court to get her to do it.

    In the meanwhile, you might not be able to get another mortgage if you wanted to buy a house yourself (or with a new partner in a couple of years). 

    My attorney urged me to have the finances other than child support sorted out so that there would be no other legal entanglements. Marriage is a legal arrangement. Would you keep paying the mortgage for a business you owned with someone else that went south? If you want the kids to stay in the house, that's nice and all, but she'll do what she wants to do. You have no control over that.

    Divorce is painful and expensive. Get comfortable being uncomfortable for awhile, focus on joint custody, and disentangle yourself from her legally in as many ways as possible.
    JellyBeanAngelineHildaCorners
  • elgringoelgringo VirginiaMember Posts: 71
    Have you discussed your plan with a lawyer?

    You can probably get a better deal if your lawyer does the negotiating for you ... possibly enough to pay the lawyer's fees.
    Yes I talked about it with my lawyer. She said it sounded fine. It was the lawyer's suggestion that I try to negotiate with stbx to see if we could agree on terms so we can get a separation agreement and avoid going to court. GingerEtoile said:
    @elgringo , just a couple of thoughts...if your name is on the mortgage, and you keep paying it and leave it up to her to sell or refinance, then she has that power. She can totally hold you hostage by not getting around to selling/refinancing. She can trash it, move out with someone new, and stick you with the mess. If she doesn't feel like selling, or it's too hard, or whatever...you're still on the hook. You'd have to take her back to court to get her to do it.

    In the meanwhile, you might not be able to get another mortgage if you wanted to buy a house yourself (or with a new partner in a couple of years). 

    My attorney urged me to have the finances other than child support sorted out so that there would be no other legal entanglements. Marriage is a legal arrangement. Would you keep paying the mortgage for a business you owned with someone else that went south? If you want the kids to stay in the house, that's nice and all, but she'll do what she wants to do. You have no control over that.

    Divorce is painful and expensive. Get comfortable being uncomfortable for awhile, focus on joint custody, and disentangle yourself from her legally in as many ways as possible.
    I would like to protect my retirement if possible. When i think about her taking half of it i want to scream. But it would be nice to cut financial ties with this woman. I really don't want to keep paying the mortgage and I recognize the pitfalls you mentioned.

    Right now I live about 20 miles away from her. I moved that far away because she is crazy and was harassing me. I told her that I was planning on moving back nearby next year to make 50/50 custody easier. Her reply was that she would move 20 miles away.   She is a very difficult person to deal with.
  • Frank_LondonFrank_London in transitSilver Member Posts: 1,853
    elgringo said:
     I told her that I was planning on moving back nearby next year to make 50/50 custody easier. Her reply was that she would move 20 miles away.   She is a very difficult person to deal with.
    Call her bluff.
    If she's not bluffing and actually does move 20 miles away after you relocate, that will hurt her, not you.
    DaddyOh
  • GingerEtoileGingerEtoile central midwestSilver Member Posts: 57
    @elgringo , it's terrible that she's so controlling and manipulative. Dealing with difficult exes requires a special kind of Jedi mind control...it's easy to get pulled back into their spiral.

    Have you figured out how long it would take to replenish your retirement? As horrible as it was for me to watch that money go away, I knew that the longer I stayed legally entangled with him, the longer the misery would continue. It felt very freeing to write a check and be done with it. I just kept repeating to myself, "It's only money. I can make more." And it is only money....the cost of staying married/legally bound can be much higher.
Sign In or Register to comment.