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What do you wish you had talked about before getting married or moving in?
MOTU
TexasSilver Member Posts: 35
in Married Life
Hello,
I have been with my GF for almost a year now and we have a healthy relationship and continue to progress. We have a good capt/fo frame established. She has two small children 6 and 7 and mine are grown. I have a good relationship with the kids as well, and have established my rules of the house with them, which they respect when they are here as much as you would expect kids that age to.
GF's lease is up in Oct and if things continue to progress, I am considering asking her to marry me and move in when her lease is up. I would probably do this in August or so.
So, help me think of what discussions we need to be having between now and then? The financial stuff is obvious, and I feel I have a good plan for that. I also know we need to discuss things like the kids schools and the step parent/child relationship and dynamic (which we do in a rather ongoing fashion).
But what else? Any land mines out there? Everyone's input is welcome, but I am particularly interested in hearing from others who are on marriage 2+ and have step kids on either side.
I have been with my GF for almost a year now and we have a healthy relationship and continue to progress. We have a good capt/fo frame established. She has two small children 6 and 7 and mine are grown. I have a good relationship with the kids as well, and have established my rules of the house with them, which they respect when they are here as much as you would expect kids that age to.
GF's lease is up in Oct and if things continue to progress, I am considering asking her to marry me and move in when her lease is up. I would probably do this in August or so.
So, help me think of what discussions we need to be having between now and then? The financial stuff is obvious, and I feel I have a good plan for that. I also know we need to discuss things like the kids schools and the step parent/child relationship and dynamic (which we do in a rather ongoing fashion).
But what else? Any land mines out there? Everyone's input is welcome, but I am particularly interested in hearing from others who are on marriage 2+ and have step kids on either side.
0
Comments
OP's thumbnail triage here:
http://marriedmansexlife.vanillaforums.com/discussion/12876/the-story-of-motu
Existing stepkid issues:
http://marriedmansexlife.vanillaforums.com/discussion/12884/gf-has-young-kids-mine-are-grown-lets-talk-boundaries#latest
Remember to play!
Do the right thing, whether anyone is watching or not.
Be married, until you are not.
Email address: angeline.greenwood@att.net
I'd also strongly recommend taking a trip where you'll be forced to spend a lot of time together, ideally with in-laws thrown into the mix, before you marry. Few things will release the restraints on good behavior like enforced closeness plus whiny kids. Then you'll both find out what you're made of when things are tough.
Remember to play!
Do the right thing, whether anyone is watching or not.
Be married, until you are not.
Email address: angeline.greenwood@att.net
============================
Fuck Culture. Live your life - Beatrice
Angeline, the trip you mention is actually this weekend... We are going to her brothers Fri-Sun and her parents will be there... I think you are right, I'll learn a lot. We have spent a lot of time talking about parenting. Since I have raised 3 girls, she asks for my input a lot. But now, I don't really discipline the kids, she does. I imagine that would change.
growingfamily, good point. I do need to internalize that this wouldn't just be my house anymore. My girls were with me full time so I know the ramifications there.
Signore, agreed, that can be thorny. I know it was with the mother of my kids.
I know we don't write everything out to try to keep things brief, but in this case it makes it sound like you are planning marriage because her lease is ending.
I'm generally not a pro " living together" type of gal, but if I had 2 marriages behind me with accompanying SS and CS, I would give keeping things just as they are or living together more thought than marriage right now. From your history, you've mostly been in serious relationships or married all of your adult life, except for a one year fun break. I would need more time to make sure I fully had my stuff together and that I was confident in the long term potential of this relationship before getting married again. You may truly be ready, in love, and confident that the third time is a charm. I just didn't get that vive from your OP. I just got the sense this is a "her lease is up, it's been a year, so I should ask her to marry me" nice guy vibe.
To answer your actual question:
I would be very concerned with financial issues, how much she earns/what her costs are for her children, how much she can contribute to a joint household, etc
I would want to have specific guidelines about step parenting and defining your role.
Discussion about future savings, retirement, vacations (all family trips with her kids or some couple time), spending habits, gifting (ie: if one of your daughters is in a jam and you want to give her $5,000 for a used car, how much to spend on holiday/birthdays, etc).
Discussion about sex. ie: If you currently see each other twice a week and have sex each time, you might anticipate daily fun if you are living together and she might think that's a date night occurrence only once a week. I'm not suggesting spelling out a contract , just making sure that you are in sync on expectations on general frequency.
I would want to feel comfortable that we could manage disagreements/fights. I didn't realize how bad our communications skills were until after I got married.
Poor communication skills, disagreements about money, and lack of sex killed the love in my marriage, so those are issues I will be much more focused on next time around.
A Debbie Downer comment, but something you should think about....If you ask her to marry you, you should have a current appraisal of your home's value, any retirement accounts, etc so that if this relationship ends you can compute the gains during the marriage for divorce settlement.
On a related note, if you have money/property that you planned on leaving to your girls or if there could be potential inheritances from your side of the family , you would want to spell out if that should be passed on to your girls or include the new wife and stepkids.
I always say you should never marry someone until you've had a major disagreement that didn't fully resolve. You should be out of the initial dopamine fog, and be able to see your partner's faults, and be willing to live with a person with those faults.
I like Angeline's family rip idea ... it gives you a chance to learn most of the above.
Enneagram 5w4. I'm researching what that means, before designing t-shirt art about it.
"I feel no shame in making lavish use of the strongest muscles, namely male ones (but my own strongest muscle is dedicated to the service of men - noblesse oblige). I don't begrudge men one whit of their natural advantages as long as they respect mine. I am not an unhappy pseudomale; I am female and like it that way." RAH
Why do you want to marry her?
What do you stand to gain from cohabitating with her and marrying her that you don't have already?
What do you stand to give up for that gain?
How would that cost:benefit analysis be affected by, say, another two years of dating her before revisiting the prospect of marriage?
In the land of the blind, the one-eyed man is king.
@redisthenewblack, no, I am not thinking about it because her lease is ending, I have been thinking about this for a while. But timing does come into play in these decisions doesn't it? I honestly feel no obligation to her in this regard. I don't feel I owe her anything or it's my responsibility to try and help her in some way. I'll address this more in my response to Ben's question.
You make a great point about me having been in serious relationships much of my adult life. I don't fully understand that tendency. I wasn't unhappy being single, but clearly I am drawn to the LTR. I am going to keep thinking about that.
You are also right to point out that my track record sucks. That does concern me. I feel that gf is a great fit for me and this can be forever. But I have been wrong before so I am a bit skeptical of my feelings so I am trying to think more than feel.
Thanks for the good list of topics to discuss.
@HildaCorners, we actually have both taken the Myers Briggs and talked about it and our tendencies. It's interesting stuff. I will make sure we talk more about childrearing and my potential role as a step-parent. Curious, why do you care about someone's sexual past (same question for @oneyeddrunk)? I don't want to discuss mine in detail....
@Ben, good question. I have been thinking about this for the last couple weeks pretty deeply, and trying to be honest with myself. If I get married, I will clearly give up some things - mostly peace and quiet and personal space I guess. So what do I feel I am getting in return for that? Well, mostly I enjoy being with her and around her. She is helpful around the house (they have been staying most weekends lately) and a great cook. She is funny and we have interesting conversations. She is really cuddly toward me and I like the affection. We tend to make good decisions together on practical things like diet, exercise, etc.
I guess the big one is that I travel a lot for work and here lately when I get home to an empty house, I have found myself wishing she was here.
How do you know when the "dopamine fog" @HildaCorners refers too is worn off? I feel like I see her pretty objectively and understand her good and not-so-good traits, but that's the problem with the fog anyway isn't it?
We will create a household joint account that we will both contribute an equal amount too. This account will be used for utilities, groceries, cleaning lady, and other household related expenses.
She will have her own account for her clothes, kids expenses, car, etc.
I will have my own account for my own expenses. I will also pay the mortgage and property taxes on my home. In TX, if I own the home before we marry she cannot lay claim to it or any portion of it's value, even if the value increases.
I will tell her I want to focus on retirement savings, paying off my house, etc, and I want her to feel free to make financial decisions regarding what she wants to buy her kids and spend on them without my interference.
Does this make sense to you all?
PS - she makes around $60k/yr including cs and I make around $200k/yr.
i'd have to get out a spreadsheet and think more deeply about it but in the end i bet i'd come out with the emotional part of the equation with all the unknowns anyway
the part i would want to wrestle to ground is the idea that you and she contribute equally instead of proportionally to the household joint account ... but given that she gets to live rent free, and her and her kids account for a disproportionate amount of the expenses, that is HUGE in her favor from a cash flow perspective so it probably mitigates the 'equal' instead of fair share 'fair share' -she'd be getting a pretty good deal
its a good call to address her autonomy regarding her kids' expenditures
i'd want some legal advice about how much of the retirement account i built up before i married her she would be entitled too in event of a divorce ... dunno if this gets into prenup territory; probably does
we've seen guys on here who were essentially 'used' by a single mom then dumped when her kids became adults - would hate to see her do that to you
============================
Fuck Culture. Live your life - Beatrice
Knowing what she is willing to commit to is awfully helpful.
All men are great men, most fail to see the greatness in themselves.
Power, Passion, Principle and Purpose: The Wild Man Project
My most popular articles: The Art of the Apology (also on video), The Basics of Assertiveness, The Art of Friendship
- very rough partner count. A 60 year old man who married at 35, was single for the last 15 years and has a partner count <5 is suspect. So is the 60 year old who was married from age 22 to 55 with a partner count over 50. [I chose 60 because that's in my potential age range.]
- how long previous sexual relationships lasted. I want to know if he had only a few LTRs, or if most of his partners were one night stands.
- If he was married before, I want to know if he cheated on his wife. I probably won't get a straight answer, but talking about sex is a good way to figure this out.
- did he ever have an STD? was it treated?
- most important, what are his attitudes about sex? Is he sex positive or sex negative? Does he think women who love sex are "dirty little sluts"? What acts does he enjoy most, does he have any kinks/fetishes? Is his entire ego wrapped up in sexuality, so he would feel butt-hurt if I rejected him once or told him I didn't want to do a specific act?
Enneagram 5w4. I'm researching what that means, before designing t-shirt art about it.
"I feel no shame in making lavish use of the strongest muscles, namely male ones (but my own strongest muscle is dedicated to the service of men - noblesse oblige). I don't begrudge men one whit of their natural advantages as long as they respect mine. I am not an unhappy pseudomale; I am female and like it that way." RAH
In my experience, the only thing that has a chance at cutting through the dopamine fog is time. If someone is hiding serious red flags (or even not really hiding them, but you're hamster-ing them away), the longer you spend dating, the harder it is to keep up pretenses. Two years is often given as a good minimum time to date before considering marriage. Statistically, the longer you date before marrying, the lower your chances at divorce, but two years is the point of diminishing returns.
As there are kids in the picture, I'd suggest taking more time, not less, because the stakes are higher. If it were just a matter of what's best for you, I'd say, sure, have her move in, live with her for a year, and then get married if things are still going well.
But since there are kids in the picture, I have to ask again: what's your hurry? Maybe she's exactly as wonderful as you say, maybe the two of you will grow old together. But if so, in 25 years, how much will it matter to you whether you've been married for 25 years or 23? Or 22? Or 20?
In the land of the blind, the one-eyed man is king.
More importantly, does he consider "dirty little slut" a bad thing or a compliment? I only call my very favorite women "dirty little sluts." (-:
In the land of the blind, the one-eyed man is king.
Remember to play!
Do the right thing, whether anyone is watching or not.
Be married, until you are not.
Email address: angeline.greenwood@att.net
It's not important whether you like the phrase or hate it, as long as you and your partner feel the same way.
Enneagram 5w4. I'm researching what that means, before designing t-shirt art about it.
"I feel no shame in making lavish use of the strongest muscles, namely male ones (but my own strongest muscle is dedicated to the service of men - noblesse oblige). I don't begrudge men one whit of their natural advantages as long as they respect mine. I am not an unhappy pseudomale; I am female and like it that way." RAH