What do you wish you had talked about before getting married or moving in?

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Comments

  • MOTUMOTU TexasSilver Member Posts: 35
    Thanks again to all who have replied.

    @zoroaster, you hit the nail on the head. I have decided that I am going to ask her to marry me at some point, and I am working on when. 
  • MOTUMOTU TexasSilver Member Posts: 35
    edited May 2015
    I should qualify that a little though. That is assuming that these discussions that we are having don't turn up anything that I think is unworkable between us.

    so I have recognized that it is what I want and I am looking for potential disqualifiers.
  • John3John3 SeattleSilver Member Posts: 1,396
    @MOTU, the conversations don't usually turn anything up.  People usually say what they know to be socially acceptable, and what you want to hear.  That's why it takes time to observe what she does and compare it to what she says and look for the disconnects.

    I'm with @BrianC on this...what does the relationship mean to her?  What is she getting into this for? How does she see your lives happening?  SAHM? Hand off the parenting? Looking for someone to share her life with and spend her golden years with?

    I would be very careful with a single mom given your income disparity and the kid's age. That doesn't make her a gold digger.  But her kids will always be her first priority, and the last thing you want to become is a "provider object." You are definitely in pre-nup land here. Partly because you have assets that you want to protect (state laws on this are all different and all complicated), and partly because the discussion about a pre-nup forces a conversation about the future that could reveal expectations that she wouldn't otherwise state. 

    Sexual history is one of the key factors in underwriting your marriage's potential future success or failure.  High partner counts can suggest she's going to have difficulty with fidelity, and/or could perceive your sexual skills as being less adequate than other partners.  Extremely low partner count could suggest a belief system that may or may not work for you.  Lots of ONS activity suggests impulsiveness.  Several failed LTR's can also be a red flag...there's a problem there somewhere.  Just like wanting to understand why her previous marriage failed, you need information to make sure you know what your relationship might be up against.  She is likely doing the same thing.
    The woods are lovely, dark and deep.
    But I have promises to keep,
    And miles to go before I sleep,
    And miles to go before I sleep.
    AngelineShepardHildaCorners
  • LouiseLouise EnglandSilver Member Posts: 1,622
    housework.   has caused more aggravation in my own marriage than anything else.  Are you compatible on views of how tidy the hoyse shoukd be, who's going tomdo what etc?
    AngelineKatt
  • buddyfbuddyf Silver Member Posts: 55
    I agree with Ben regarding the two year minimum. I believe a lot of red flags hidden in the first year can come out in the second year.

    I think any other advice from me would simply be projecting all the things that went wrong in my marriage that in hindsight were predictable, but I thought love would conquer all and as long as there was love, I could work through those things. I now don't think that "love" and "commitment" can override structural or behavioral or personality or character issues. Maintaining your values, your integrity, standing up for your needs is all key, not just trying to be a hero meeting her needs (there I go projecting :smile: 
    )

    Perhaps we need a 911 style triage for those considering marriage after one year.

    Tell Me About the Good Times?

    When Did Sex Go Bad? 
    - Trick question! The sex already went bed!? Go directly to jail. Do not pass go. Do not collect $200.
  • SignorePillolaRossaSignorePillolaRossa mid atlantic usaSilver Member Posts: 4,079
    edited May 2015
    leoslayer said:
    yeah, it makes sense, i think

    i'd have to get out a spreadsheet and think more deeply about it but in the end i bet i'd come out with the emotional part of the equation with all the unknowns anyway

    the part i would want to wrestle to ground is the idea that you and she contribute equally instead of proportionally to the household joint account ... but given that she gets to live rent free,  and her and her kids account for a disproportionate amount of the expenses, that is HUGE in her favor from a cash flow perspective so it probably mitigates the 'equal' instead of fair share 'fair share' -she'd be getting a pretty good deal

    its a good call to address her autonomy regarding her kids' expenditures

    i'd want some legal advice about how much of the retirement account i built up before i married her she would be entitled too in event of a divorce ... dunno if this gets into prenup territory; probably does

    we've seen guys on here who were essentially 'used' by a single mom then dumped when her kids became adults - would hate to see her do that to you
    I've been thinking about your post for a couple of days and I disagree.

    The rent free aspect that is. If the OP had the house before her and will be the sole person benefiting from any appreciation of the property then she should absolutely live rent free.

    Second you might want to look into the utilities issue for the household acct. Is she really going to be able to swing half? If the property is a lot larger than what she is used to then expenses may be a good bit more. I'm just saying be reasonable where able.

    Also people have to remember she is giving up things to live with him just like he is giving up things to live with her. 
    i think we are agreeing actually - i agree that she shouldn't pay any rent given that she won't be getting appreciation - but it's still a sweet deal to live in a house and not have to pay anything towards PITI ... i mean, she pays rent now, right? so OP inviting her and some other guy's kids into OP's home represents a tangible cash saving benefit to her - especially if she gets child support from the kids' father that won't be decreased ... she has to pay for 100% of the water, heat, electricity, food, etc of her household now, right? she'll only have to pay half going forward ... 

    i havent read what she is giving up, but i can imagine it's true
    Sr. PR

    ============================
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    Fuck Culture. Live your life - Beatrice
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  • leoslayerleoslayer NCSilver Member Posts: 1,920
    leoslayer said:
    yeah, it makes sense, i think

    i'd have to get out a spreadsheet and think more deeply about it but in the end i bet i'd come out with the emotional part of the equation with all the unknowns anyway

    the part i would want to wrestle to ground is the idea that you and she contribute equally instead of proportionally to the household joint account ... but given that she gets to live rent free,  and her and her kids account for a disproportionate amount of the expenses, that is HUGE in her favor from a cash flow perspective so it probably mitigates the 'equal' instead of fair share 'fair share' -she'd be getting a pretty good deal

    its a good call to address her autonomy regarding her kids' expenditures

    i'd want some legal advice about how much of the retirement account i built up before i married her she would be entitled too in event of a divorce ... dunno if this gets into prenup territory; probably does

    we've seen guys on here who were essentially 'used' by a single mom then dumped when her kids became adults - would hate to see her do that to you
    I've been thinking about your post for a couple of days and I disagree.

    The rent free aspect that is. If the OP had the house before her and will be the sole person benefiting from any appreciation of the property then she should absolutely live rent free.

    Second you might want to look into the utilities issue for the household acct. Is she really going to be able to swing half? If the property is a lot larger than what she is used to then expenses may be a good bit more. I'm just saying be reasonable where able.

    Also people have to remember she is giving up things to live with him just like he is giving up things to live with her. 
    i think we are agreeing actually - i agree that she shouldn't pay any rent given that she won't be getting appreciation - but it's still a sweet deal to live in a house and not have to pay anything towards PITI ... i mean, she pays rent now, right? so OP inviting her and some other guy's kids into OP's home represents a tangible cash saving benefit to her - especially if she gets child support from the kids' father that won't be decreased ... she has to pay for 100% of the water, heat, electricity, food, etc of her household now, right? she'll only have to pay half going forward ... 

    i havent read what she is giving up, but i can imagine it's true
    Look I know I'm an asshole but I'm a fair one.

    She is giving up a space she is comfortable in. She is uprooting multiple people. She is giving up the ability to do whatever the F she wants to do whenever she wants to do it.

    Also conversely OP had that mortgage before. She doesn't ad to that expense. OP's utilities might not go up much if at all so he's getting a sweet deal there.

    Depending on custody and financial agreements moving forward and given his tax bracket he possibly could be looking at some decent breaks that offsets aquired expenses.

    Again you know I don't belive in the second marriage provider model I just feel a reasonable plan that allows for their future goals to still be attainable is the way to go.

    Neither party should be crippled I've seen it cause big time issues with a couple I know. 
    ScarletSignorePillolaRossaJoannaGuitarslinger
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