Managing Birthday like a pro

EinMan

It was my birthday and I asked for a small cake and candles. My wife objected to my telling her what to do and besides, she doesn't believe adults should celebrate birthdays.  She really hit hard.  I almost got upset, but just kept straight and bought my own cake.  Then I proceeded to plan the best family birthday weekend ever.  This included a big fight on a non-related item Saturday night because I called her on something.  I wasn't going to let the possible destruction of my birthday weekend prevent me from saying what needed to be said.  So we lost Saturday night, but made up for it on Sunday. Everyone enjoyed it, including her. She was extra loving. 

Previously I would have felt sorry for myself, walked on eggs rather than have conflict in order to preserve my "happy" birthday and been passive aggressive after.  This way, it was all in the open.

BetaTester

Good job my man!   I just don't understand though when someone asks "what do you want" and you tell them your preference, why they would argue with you?   I get the same from my DW.  I like to stay in and cook.  I even offered to cook my own birthday meal.   She always tries to shoot me down.  I guess it shows they are more interested in their own good time than yours.

EinMan

I think my wife finds it childish or effeminate for a grown man to celebrate his birthday as we do in the west.  In many other countries, people do not even take note of, much less celebrate their birthday. 

I can tell you that one of my mistakes was "checking" if she was going to do it - that was the crux of the fight. If you see my other thread, "no more lying", you will know my wife will pick up anything when upset, so being upset that I checked on her for something I told her to do that she does not want me to do, was cause for a fight and she went back to her not liking celebrating in the first place.  Had I defended, she would have brought out the "list of offenses", literally dating back to the day we met.

Incidentally - last night, while watching "Teen Mom", one of the teen moms was presented with an engagement ring.  She reminded me that my mom had to suggest I buy an engagement ring.  I said, "but you got a beautiful ring and an awesome husband" and she was content.  Funny - it's all about managing reactions to those statements. I'm taking them as opportunities to alpha.

Tennee

"Had I defended, she would have brought out the "list of offenses", literally dating back to the day we met."

Shut that down.  She doesn't get to hit you with stuff over and over.  If you need to own and fix something - do it.  Apologize once.  After that, take away the whipping stick: "I said I was sorry for that, we're past that now.  You will not use that against me again." Or the like.   

Take away the power of that and it will stop.

EinMan

@Tennee. Yes. I will no longer tolerate it. Especially since she doesn't remember when it was something she did.  Once, I needed to go to the ER and she refused to take me. I mentioned it recently when we were talking about the time when we were dating that she did take me.  This ties into my "no more lying" post. She doesn't like when my son lies about his homework, but doesn't quite get that he's exhibiting the same behavior as her.