Sometimes I am unhappy and others I feel like I am reaching the end of my marriage

frillyfun

I *really* like sex, and always have.  That said, when I was pregnant and breastfeeding I had about as much interest in sex as I did in watching a cricket match.  Zip, zero, zilch, nada.  None whatsoever.  

I guess what I'm saying is try not to take it personally.  It is rough to be rejected by your partner, and have them kind of blithely float through life when you're suffering tremendously, but it's also not productive.  Believe me I know what it's like.

There usually isn't just one cause of sexlessness in a marriage where if you fix that *one* thing everything else is hunky dory.  It's typically caused by few different factors, and sometimes they do take a while to fix.

It's a long road.  She may have some fundamental issue that you can't fix by yourself, but she may just be exhausted.  Is there a way you can help her get more sleep?

Whether you choose to stay or go there are still things in your life that need fixing.  Start fixing them so you're in a good place if you end-up divorced.

SteveNV

frillyfun said:

I *really* like sex, and always have.  That said, when I was pregnant and breastfeeding I had about as much interest in sex as I did in watching a cricket match.  Zip, zero, zilch, nada.  None whatsoever.  

I guess what I'm saying is try not to take it personally.  It is rough to be rejected by your partner, and have them kind of blithely float through life when you're suffering tremendously, but it's also not productive.  Believe me I know what it's like.

There usually isn't just one cause of sexlessness in a marriage where if you fix that *one* thing everything else is hunky dory.  It's typically caused by few different factors, and sometimes they do take a while to fix.

It's a long road.  She may have some fundamental issue that you can't fix by yourself, but she may just be exhausted.  Is there a way you can help her get more sleep?

Whether you choose to stay or go there are still things in your life that need fixing.  Start fixing them so you're in a good place if you end-up divorced.

Thanks Frillyfun. What do you make of her shutting down in her first marriage? For me, I can understand the medical side of things but since the reasons are always changing, and she has a history of this behavior, it makes me question all her reasons.

I have always got attention from women so if I end up single, I think I will probably do just fine. But I really really want to somehow fix my current situation. I don't want to see my kids 50% of the time, I am too close to them. And I really do love my wife. I think she is beautiful, I am in love with her (even as hurt as I am), and she is an amazing mother and great person. I wish I could fix this. She just has little to no self-awareness. And I don't understand her attitude. If I shut down like that and it crushed my spouse and was destroying my marriage, I feel like I would be interested in what the reasons were and very concerned. I don't think I would just insist there is no problem and everything is totally normal. I just don't know...   

frillyfun

It's crazy making isn't it?  Bear in mind that she may not really have a second for deep introspection about the state of her marriage right at the moment.  I'm kind of a kick-ass woman, and that first year of DS's life was incredibly hard.  Without sleep it was incredibly difficult to have a lot of rational thoughts.

We weren't there- we don't know exactly what transpired during her first marriage.  She may have had a legitimate reason to pull away, or this may be her MO.

Speculating isn't really all that productive.  You have things to work on.

Read the books, start a MAP, and while no one can guarantee that your marriage will survive- I can definitely guarantee that you'll be in a much better spot six months from now.

Does she have a Mirena or a copper IUD?  I have a friend with a Mirena, and I don't think she's had sex with her H in a long time.  She said she just doesn't care about it.

Definitely don't let her lie to you anymore.  Demand honesty, and accountability.  Let her know that lying about the IUD is concerning, and that the dishonesty isn't ok.  

SteveNV

Thank for the insight babe got the Mirena. Here is the thing, I wouldn't classify her stance on the no sex for three months as lying. She said she has bleeding and it takes 3 months to go away, so it was just something she made up. As for her last marriage, I actually know quite a bit. She was very concerned about the sudden lack of feeling and sex drive towards her ex once they married. She thought it might be birth control so she tried another option but it didn't have any impact on her interest. Part of me wants to be sensitive but the other part of me interprets everything as a larger part of her past behavior. I know I need to keep improving. 

never_again

Your marriage sounds very much like my second marriage.  My hot, sexy, ready-to-go-anytime-anywhere wife shut down completely 9 months into the marriage.  I don't think it was a coincidence that I had just sold my home and investment property in another city, the money became marital property and I was 110% committed to her, financially and emotionally.

Mine denied any past abuse, too, though I know she had Daddy issues.  Her father has Aspergers and her parents haven't slept in the same room in 40 years.  They're roommates and he just exists.  AFAIK, her mother pulled a similar stunt - once she had the kids she wanted, sex was no longer necessary in the marriage.  She hates her father, but I always found him a decent guy.  Just wouldn't let the bullshit get to him but was of the generation where you got married and stayed married, no matter what.

I'm going to guess that your wife claims that her lack of interest has to do with you being angry all the time.  So did mine and it was always a chicken and egg thing - did I get angry because she stopped having sex or did she stop having sex because I was angry?  She refused to accept that prior to her shutting me out, I had absolutely no reason to be angry.  I adored my wife and step-kids.

It also wasn't an attraction issue.  My wife would lay naked beside me and rub my chest, telling me how much she liked my body.  But I wasn't permitted to touch her anywhere except to rub her back.  She slept naked with me every night, too, right up to the night I left her.

This all happened before I found MMSL so working the MAP may help you, or it may simply make you a better man once you decide to leave her.

The only wisdom I have to offer you is to take care of yourself.  Be selfish.  Seriously.  Don't martyr yourself for her and don't force yourself to stay in a sham marriage that will rob you of your physical and mental health.  I left my wife over 5 years ago and I'm still recovering emotionally and financially.  Don't let it get to that point.

SteveNV

never_again said:

Your marriage sounds very much like my second marriage.  My hot, sexy, ready-to-go-anytime-anywhere wife shut down completely 9 months into the marriage.  I don't think it was a coincidence that I had just sold my home and investment property in another city, the money became marital property and I was 110% committed to her, financially and emotionally.

Mine denied any past abuse, too, though I know she had Daddy issues.  Her father has Aspergers and her parents haven't slept in the same room in 40 years.  They're roommates and he just exists.  AFAIK, her mother pulled a similar stunt - once she had the kids she wanted, sex was no longer necessary in the marriage.  She hates her father, but I always found him a decent guy.  Just wouldn't let the bullshit get to him but was of the generation where you got married and stayed married, no matter what.

I'm going to guess that your wife claims that her lack of interest has to do with you being angry all the time.  So did mine and it was always a chicken and egg thing - did I get angry because she stopped having sex or did she stop having sex because I was angry?  She refused to accept that prior to her shutting me out, I had absolutely no reason to be angry.  I adored my wife and step-kids.

It also wasn't an attraction issue.  My wife would lay naked beside me and rub my chest, telling me how much she liked my body.  But I wasn't permitted to touch her anywhere except to rub her back.  She slept naked with me every night, too, right up to the night I left her.

This all happened before I found MMSL so working the MAP may help you, or it may simply make you a better man once you decide to leave her.

The only wisdom I have to offer you is to take care of yourself.  Be selfish.  Seriously.  Don't martyr yourself for her and don't force yourself to stay in a sham marriage that will rob you of your physical and mental health.  I left my wife over 5 years ago and I'm still recovering emotionally and financially.  Don't let it get to that point.

Wow, it sounds like there are a lot of similarities between our situations. My wife doesn't claim her lack of interest has anything to do with the resentment I feel, although I would think it has to play a role. After she shut down, it took a while for it to get to me. I thought I was being supportive at the time. My wife also constantly comments on how I look and likes feeling my muscles, so I don't think there is a physical attraction issue. In my opinion from the inside, I think there are three factors at work. 1. Our financial situation is pretty tight (I think this is a big deal and am working hard on this). 2. I think she might just be wired to only feel desire if she is chasing a guy (this probably does not bode well for me). 3. I do think she has some intimacy issues from growing up with two parents that were seemingly asexual. They may have been freaky behind closed doors but the kids only saw old roommates.

Like you advised, I will continue to get better. My goal is to avoid a divorce and keep my family together and be happy with them. If it doesn't work out, I will at least be in a better position to attract a high quality mate.