Pushing the back door boundary

Slipangle

So, interesting thing happened recently. During 69 foreplay, my SO likes the outside of her vaginal opening played with by my finger. Recently, I found myself doing this on a nearby not dripping wet orifice. And she loved it. But she thought I was just stroking her perenium, and was back in good girl mode when she found out nope,  I was playing with her butt hole.

Now, we've as always talked and never had interest in anal. And she'd clearly have issues with her rational brain and how this is more dirty than she's rationally willing to go for, but her inner slut would love it if she got her way over the good girl rational front.

Anyone gone through this and have any suggestions,  like would trying the introduction of a butt plug be a starter idea, and... not even sure where to start on what to ask...

Frank_London

Slipangle said:

But she thought I was just stroking her perenium, and was back in good girl mode when she found out nope,  I was playing with her butt hole.

I find this very hard to believe. She knew.

I've been doing this a bit with my girlfriend but I only do it if she is very horny and we've had excellent, hot foreplay leading up to it. And I don't do it for long.

Frank_London

Since you asked for tips:
use the fingers of your left hand so your right hand is free for other duties afterwards;
keep your fingernails clipped nice and short.

never_again

Lubricant. Saliva works well, coconut oil better. Your finger before a butt plug. More control and you can manipulate a little bit for better stimulation. Draw rings around the outside with the tip of your finger to massage the muscles. Plus, with your finger you'll be able to feel her relax and even start seeking it. Yes, you will know.

UnBetaMe

I've slowly been pushing this boundary and agree with never again above. 
Read my posts in the Baby Steps to Boundary Pushing thread. My experience will have quite a few similarities to yours and never-again.

Angeline

How did she "find out"? 
In other words, STFU if you're both having fun. 

Slipangle

I was teasing her about it after. What she says is one thing, her reaction another. I've got a green light based on her reaction. But when I try anything, I want to not create a negative experience. Hence here I am.

Katt

Slipangle said:

I was teasing her about it after. What she says is one thing, her reaction another. I've got a green light based on her reaction. But when I try anything, I want to not create a negative experience. Hence here I am.

Teasing afterward would strongly put me on the defensive about just about anything new I did or allowed to be done to me during sex.   Not so much as the tip of a pinkie would be likely to make it into my backdoor for a while after that.  

JellyBean

One time my husband teased me about my O-face.  I was mortified and didn't want to even be in the same room with him let alone have sex with him for months.

I know men tend to be tease-y and jokey with with other but women are generally not that way.  What you thought was a good-natured ribbing was likely experienced by her as mocking or ridicule or negative judgement.

Katt

JellyBean said:

I know men tend to be tease-y and jokey with with other but women are generally not that way.  What you thought was a good-natured ribbing was likely experienced by her as mocking or ridicule or negative judgement.

And I should note, lest anyone think I'm particularly sensitive that I have a REALLY thick skin for teasing and joking around.  My husband and I (playfully) talk shit to each other CONSTANTLY.  But if he were to tease me about something sexual that I was already uncomfortable with or unsure of, I'd be mortified and defensive over it for certain.   A woman needs to feel safe letting her comfort zone be expanded without fear that it's going to be brought up to her outside of the bedroom.   The bedroom is like Las Vegas; what happens there stays there.  

Carrotcake

It's generally a bad idea to call attention to the hamster when you are getting good results. And this is one hamster with a heck of a lot of good-girl shaming and social stigma feeding it. Why waken the beast?   

Carrotcake

^^

I feel like this is inviting disagreement from guys who will advise charging ahead, but I would proceed carefully with trying again too soon. It really depends on how much that teasing stung, and how embarrassed she's now feeling, how deep her shame about it goes. I've been on the other end of this and it can kick off a bad cycle. Girl is shy about something, goes for it anyway in the moment, gets teased about it, next time it happens she's now getting consciously upset....what happens next is dependent on her reaction. If she's truly getting emotional and freezing up, then a joke is not the way to go. It might even be time for an apology and some overt reassurance. This is what it would take me to calm back down. Another joke about my butt hole when I'm already feeling shamed about it and I seriously might deck you. 

Katt

I feel like we need an equivalent word to "VACLANG" for the sound of a woman's anus clenching shut...

Tennee

@Katt   Buh-clang?  

never_again

The woman I'm seeing currently insisted that a) I didn't really touch her there and b) if I did, I didn't really go inside.  I just treated it like an everyday occurrence.

"Oh, that?  Heck, everyone does it.  Yawn...got any peanuts?"  

Casual, confident, no biggie.  In a reasonably short time (3-4 weeks of seeing her twice/week), progressed from finger to vibe to anal sex. It's not her favorite because she doesn't find it particularly stimulating (nor painful), but it certainly doesn't get in the way of her O. 

Carrotcake

never_again said:

The woman I'm seeing currently insisted that a) I didn't really touch her there and b) if I did, I didn't really go inside.  

Lol. This is like the alternative theories murder defense: I didn't do it, but if I did, it was self defense. 

With all due kudos to your game and frame (which I'm sure had a big hand in pushing past the waffling), I'm guessing your lady friend has some baseline level of acceptance of the act and has probably done it before. Going from 0 to anal in a month is pretty much the accelerated track. 

A lot of guys are going to be faced with a mate who has never let anything near that area and may have to walk back a lifetime of "ick" at the idea. I just got done perusing the baby steps to boundary pushing thread (following the link from this thread) and there is some fantastic advice on there for how to make advances in the bedroom for men faced with just such a scenario. The idea of loud positive reinforcement jumped out at me. When it comes to anal, you're going to get a lot of mental "really?? does he actually like this or is it gross...am I gross, oh my god he's touching my butt, this is insane??"  A lot of growling and "holy shit that is so sexy" type praise when she does respond positively to small advances seems like a particularly good strategy in this area. She's got to really surrender her conscious reservations in the moment and suspend her disbelief that the impossible is actually happening. 

Slipangle

generalzod said:

Too soon for the butt plug IMO.

Here's what you do -- next time she seems really immersed, play with it with your finger like last time.  Except this time she's going to perk up with, "Uh uh.  I told you I don't like that."  She has to say this now to fitness test you a bit.

And thats when you say, with a smile, "No-no baby.  It's your perineum.  I swear."

When she laughs, carry on pushing the boundary.

Not bad. I'd generally go the route of calling her a liar because her enjoyment is pretty obvious. 

Look, if she sincerely wasn't going for this I wouldn't bother. You are all focused too much on the teasing. I know what I'm doing with her in that department. I can read her for when to take this to the next step. I just don't know what the next step is and that's why I'm here. 

This is for her. I'm getting all that I want from her as it is. My personal sexual enjoyment goal is coming in her mouth. 

This isn't the first new I've introduced to her either,  and one time she said to me "how do you do this to me?"

Angeline

Yep. Calling her a liar is obviously the pro move here. 

BetaGeek

If stimulated enough, the clitoris sensations expand for some women all the way to the anus. I know somebody who has orgasms from anal sex including squirting. 

OneEyedDrunk

My wife can't do any type of anal play when her non-lizard brain is working. When she's playing with her clit, then I can put two fingers in (one in the pink and one in the stink). I can then see she's enjoying it. But that's it. I know for a fact she enjoys it, but I'm pretty much forbidden to do anything else. I fucked her ass a few times when dating and once when married. She's always complained about the pain. I guess I just need to take it at face value. 

Would love over to see some ideas. 

Carrotcake

Angeline said:

Yep. Calling her a liar is obviously the pro move here. 

I can see why her inconsistency is frustrating. But getting angry at her is not going to get you closer to the goal.

Would also hold off on intimating that the anal stuff is really all for her because she seems to want it so much, but you could take or leave it. That's pretty much a recipe for nuclear hamster.