Where to start?

forestleaf

@Kiche, if I understand what you are saying, then I think you're right on.  Yes, I have a history of not owning my mistakes.  I have a hard time admitting I'm wrong, I suppose, and TW's biggest issue about the whole salmon/chicken argument was not so much that I made the comments/questions, but that when he asked me directly to not criticize him (as he has done in the past), I immediately got angry and refused to acknowledge his request because I didn't think it was criticism.  Which I guess I did again a couple times again in the next few days, perpetuating his "silence" and shut down.  So, one of the tenets of this forum is to engage in self-reflection to improve oneself; so I need to show him that I can HEAR him when he is discussing something he has a problem with.  The thing I struggle with time and time again is specifics; admitting I am "wrong" just because he perceives that I have done something wrong.  I can see the chicken/salmon question both ways: critical versus conversational.  It's hard to simply say "yes I was being critical."  I'm beating this horse to death, but I think it's important for me to analyze the interaction so I can improve my behavior next time.

The other issue is that I've historically been the "Captain" in the house and run everything.  If I come home and some things are different or backwards from what they usually are, I ask why they are that way so that I can proceed accordingly.  I suppose that means I'm a control freak.  It also means I run a tight ship, rightly or wrongly.  Old habits die hard.

TW and I are back to doing well.  He began getting antsy for physical affection on probably Wednesday, even before we had made up, and it increased for him until we finally connected.  Now I'm amped up and we're back to very frequent sex.  It seems like sex is what keeps our relationship in good shape (I NEVER would have admitted that a year ago or believed it could be such a driver for good feelings between us).  He craves physical touch and sex, he touches me, I crave attention, so I touch him to get it, and then he wants me more, so we have sex, and then he feels more connected to me, etc etc.  If we didn't have that dynamic we'd be falling apart.  It's probably hard for a man to understand why I, as a woman, would have a hard time believing that sex is so important for a relationship (and I do now, mostly, but historically have not).  I've learned a lot about what it does and how men perceive it differently, but my old way of thinking was that it's just physical pleasure and nothing else, and that's a hard line of thinking to change.

Beatrice

I don't think you are beating anything to death. You are working through it in your own way. I completely understand why it is so hard for you to say "yes, I was being critical." 

One day when my children were young, I was cooking in the kitchen while they ate at the table. Suddenly the unimaginable happened: one of the kids figured out that I was wrong about something and informed me of that in front of all the kids.  My instinct was to shut that kid down so that my authority over them would remain intact. On the other hand, I wanted my kids to be able to admit their mistakes, something that I had a hard time doing. So I turned around and said, "You are right and I was wrong.  When I said *the thing* I was wrong, but when you say *the other thing* you are right. You are absolutely correct.  Thanks for pointing that out."  It felt so silly and artificial the first time I said it, but I got the chance to say it at least a few more times to them and it felt more natural and fun as I got better at it. My authority was not besmirched in the least and life was fine.

After that, I was able to apologize for misunderstandings even when I didn't think that I had done anything wrong and I learned to work with others in ways that honored both parties.

UnBetaMe

 It seems like sex is what keeps our relationship in good shape (I NEVER would have admitted that a year ago or believed it could be such a driver for good feelings between us).  He craves physical touch and sex, he touches me, I crave attention, so I touch him to get it, and then he wants me more, so we have sex, and then he feels more connected to me, etc etc.  If we didn't have that dynamic we'd be falling apart.  It's probably hard for a man to understand why I, as a woman, would have a hard time believing that sex is so important for a relationship (and I do now, mostly, but historically have not).  I've learned a lot about what it does and how men perceive it differently, but my old way of thinking was that it's just physical pleasure and nothing else, and that's a hard line of thinking to change.

This is very encouraging for me and, I suspect, a lot of the guys here to read.

Thank you for sharing.