A husband´s introduction, Triage and desperate search for advice (1/2)

SurgSergSurgSerg EuropeSilver Member Posts: 10
edited May 2015 in 911 Relationship ER

Hello everyone,

I want to introduce myself and at the same time do the Triage questions. Maybe it´s not usually done, but I feel it is necessary in my case. I will mention the main problem right away, since it will guide my participation in the forum and somewhat shape my triage (a 911 case?)
Well, I have basically perpetuated erectile dysfunction, which I started experiencing many years ago and has affected my marriage significantly. There have been ups and downs... I would not initiate sex or communicate for longer periods of time, which exacerbated the situation. Although some other factors may play a role, the biggest obstacle is probably performance anxiety. This caused me to reject her unintentionally, which naturally made her feel unappreciated, unsexy and insecure. The rest of our marriage is great. I could write much more, so I better go to the questions:

1. Basics

I am 37 and my wife is 32. We have been together for a total of 10 years (!), 2 dating, 1 engaged, and 7 married. We have no children and don´t plan on having them (although sometimes we talk about it and sort of reconsider).

I think I am fairly good looking and my wife is very attractive. It´s a little hard to give an unbiased rating. Some “objective” measures: I am 6’1’’ and weigh about 190 lbs, athletic built. I have a decent face, with a couple of “asymmetries” :smiley: My wife´s face is beautiful. She´s around 5’2’’ and 132 lbs. I like her curvaceous body. Although she knows she´s sexy, she also considers herself a little short and sometimes chubby -depending on mood, time of month/year and our eating habits.

2. Medical issues / health

I am pretty healthy. I try to stay in shape and do not have any chronic ailments. However (and in relation to my main erectile issue), I feel that my Kegel muscles (specifically my anus!) is constantly tense and sometimes it gets soar. Throughout the past years, I have also felt a constant decrease of energy, but I don´t know if this is due to physical or psychological/emotional issues (I just started reading the MAP). I ruled out sleep apnea (I snore, but not excessively). I must still check other possible explanations. From reading other members´ input, maybe a Testosterone check is due (last one a few years back), since my sex drive may be low.

My wife is pretty healthy too, but smokes. Lately she has not exercised as regularly as earlier on. She sometimes experiences sort of a general body ache, as if she were going to catch the flu. It usually goes after a day or too. She also suffered from a severe but thankfully temporary case of hemorrhoids (oops!). The only aspect directly related to our sexual life could be that when she gets her period, it is usually painful and kind of exhausting –mostly for her :) just kidding.

3. Structural attraction issues

Other than our main problem, which started before our current situation, there were no other major issues. However, that changed recently. Our finances took a downturn because I was unemployed for more than a year. She was the only or main breadwinner for many months.
It was frustrating to both, because I recently –finally- completed a Masters degree which was supposed to open up better job prospects. We´re in Europe, away from home, and decided to stay here for some time. Unfortunately I was not able to find a good job until recently, despite good qualifications and had a good job back home. This general instability may have worsened the main issue, since I stayed at home with the job search and trying to stay up to date. It was/is stressful and I could not spend much time –or money- on our relationship (or trying to make things better sexually either). I got a pretty good job now, but only fixed-term. So the financial limitations and what they entail are still a concern. We still rent an apartment, at the moment in a quiet neighborhood. We have a car, which is about 5 years old but drives ok. No significant debt.

4. Critical moments/neglect

I think a critical moment could be my trip to begin my Master studies. I departed before her to do a language course and look for apartments before having her join me. The problem is that I ignored our sexual problem and did not communicate before leaving. Her resentment grew while we were apart. I tried to work on myself and reassure my love to her however I could through the distance, but it was a very hard time (worse for her, since I was mostly responsible for not fixing our issue –or at least try).

On her part the most neglectful moment I can think of is the time I lost my erection for the first time. We were only together for a few months and it was a bad experience for both (sex was good until then). She reacted very negatively and was judgmental. I guess that worsened my insecurity (which I already had, because that had already happened before*). I suppose the moments she rejected me when I couldn´t “perform” after that sort of dented my self-confidence.

* When I was about to have sex for the first time I lost my erection (although I was really aroused before and had a firm previously). I was 19, in college and the girl would sleep around a lot. In any case, this left me insecure and avoiding of new sexual encounters (which were common). Only at age 25 I started having sex (other than oral) with a partner a little older than I. It lasted a few months and it was great in that sense. After that I met my future wife.

«1

Comments

  • SurgSergSurgSerg EuropeSilver Member Posts: 10

    A husband´s introduction, Triage and desperate search for advice (2/2)

    5. Outside sexual sources

    The sexual aspect of our relationship was/is the biggest –if not the only- problem that persists. There´s been no cheating between us. However, within the past few months we agreed on having an “open relationship”. That means, we could flirt and date other people, and see what happens… We had talked about the whole situation and then she gave me an ultimatum. After so many years with this problem (and a couple of months completely without sex) she was desperate for dopamine and a self-confidence boost. So she went out with a couple of guys. Although she says it didn´t go too far, I´m not sure about what that exactly means and I really don´t wanna know. In the end she/we decided to stay together (there was a chance of splitting for good). I tried to meet girls but it was only a half-assed effort, I guess. I was/am really intent on winning her back.

    The triage mentions porn as an alternative source of “satisfaction”. I used to watch some porn now and then earlier in our relation (also thinking that it could increase my libido). In the last few months I realized how bad it could be (and watched the yourbrainonporn and such). Although it was not extreme in my case, it was very present during my younger years. So I decided to quit altogether, even if I´ve had a couple of fall outs. Sometimes I fantasize with actresses/models, but I really want to see her in a more sexual way again.

    6. When sex went bad

    It probably started to go bad once we got married. Actually when we got engaged a year before the wedding, I started to feel some kind of pressure (real or not) from my wife. She´s a very passionate person and maybe the decreasing excitement (dopamine/adrenaline?) while the relationship was “cooling down” made her crave for more... In any case, though the first time I lost my erection was early on in our relationship, the first 2-3 years were pretty passionate and the sex was often and good –she confirmed this in our numerous conversations :).
    Although I would have some occasional “malfunctions” :D, the real problem (avoidance, heightened anxiety, feelings of rejection, lower self-esteem on both sides, etc.) became serious during the married years. I really don´t know how it is to have a normal sex life as a married man.

    7. Sex at the beginning

    As described, quantity and quality at the start of the relation was good -adventurous and passionate.

    8. Elephant in the room

    It is pretty clear to us (or at least it is how we feel): the relationship simply does not have a normal sexual component. It is really hard (maybe impossible for us) to talk about this with other people, especially because it implies talking about my erectile dysfunction, which I feel is a sensitive issue (and my wife respects that, even if it hurts). Other than that, other aspects of our relationship are great. We love each other like crazy and are romantic with each other. Everybody notices it. But everything gets screwed up because of the lack of sex.

    Sure, there´s some related taboo issues, like having practiced abortion. However, I think that´s an element within the major issue. (I am not disregarding the ethical/religious/guilt aspect, but we can probably manage it). We (especially I) visited a couple of specialists (psychologist, etc.) and tried some alternative treatments too. However, at first she was hurt and not so willing to cooperate. Afterwards I was the one without constancy to try and do whatever I could to improve the situation.

    9. The leader

    She´s basically the leader in the marriage. She has a strong character and though she says I make the most important decisions (which might or not be true), she has a certain ability of influencing people - including me- into what she wants (not in a bad way). I think she´s a natural leader. That doesn´t mean I´m passive. I´ve been responsible for sports or work teams, but her bossy personality :) might be stronger in this case. In the sexual arena, not to be sexist/prejudiced, but I sometimes feel like the woman in the relationship :) (because of everything exposed above…)

    10. Good times

    Our marriage went very well pretty much in every aspect other than sexually. Even with this missing element, we´ve been very happy at times. But it´s too important for a relationship and my neglect obviously tainted the rest of our time together. Before and after getting married we had lots of great times singing at karaoke-clubs, sharing time with friends, going on short/long vacation trips, watching movies (especially recently), etc. But I think the beginning was great overall. Even if we did have more fights (mostly small stuff), the excitement and passion made a magical 2-3 years. Now we still love each other like crazy but the sexual life is killing us. We wanna have a normal one. I really need help and ideas on how to revive this part of our marriage. She traveled back home for a couple of months and we miss each other a lot. I´m pretty sure she´s willing to try once again to make it work. Any suggestions are welcome. Thanks a bunch in advance!!
  • JellyBeanJellyBean Sunny SoCalGold Women Posts: 5,054
    edited May 2015
    Hi, @SurgSerg and welcome.

    I have been the wife in your situation and it is really tough.  The great thing is that you are here to get advice and try to turn things around instead of her coming here and saying, "help, I don't know what to do, my husband won't have sex with me and won't get any medical help to fix his ED problem!"

    So, why have you allowed this issue to continue for a decade?  Why haven't you handled it and worked toward fixing it?
    Enneagram type 9w1
    frillyfunWinter
  • frillyfunfrillyfun East PodunkGold Women Posts: 3,386
    I've definitely been there too....my H has had some physical issues that turned him away from me sexually and it is hurtful.  I did lash out at him a time or two, and I regret it deeply.

    When was the abortion?  They can be huge deal in a relationship.  Who initiated the procedure?  Was everyone 100% on board with the decision?

    I'm glad you're here and getting help!  Do not feel like less of a man because you have this issue- consider yourself braver than most for tackling it head-on.
    AngelineSurgSerg
  • markymapomarkymapo Silver Member Posts: 542
    I agree with others on getting to a doctor right away to combat the ED. 

    But...just as important the "open relashioship" agreement has got to end. I see no marriage surviving this. And you may have agreed to date only but if she ever found a man that hits her dopamine she would do one of two things. Cheat on you while staying married or leave you for him. 

    Its DLV to have your wife meet/date other men. 
    JellyBeanfordsvtSurgSergJohn3zerodayPersephone
  • SurgSergSurgSerg EuropeSilver Member Posts: 10
    Thanks to everyone that replied!
    @Tiger: True. I didn´t mention it, but I did go to a few urologists both here and back home. None of them gave it much importance or gave me useful feedback (even when I started becoming insistent and practically begging for help). A couple did give me viagra/cialis, mainly as a "confidence support", I think, since they thought it wasn´t physical.
    I think it´s mostly psychological. I started feeling pressure to "perform" well and little by little I let a wonderful, satisfying event (having sex) become a stressful thing. This overthinking probably impares the bloodflow...
    It is really frustrating, like you say.
    @JellyBean: You´re completely right. I know I´ve hurt my wife unintentionally. I did go to a number of psychologists/alternative therapists to figure it out. Unfortunately, either their suggestions would not work in "getting me relaxed" to enjoy and go after the once craved-for lovemaking or I was not constant enough to stick with the "treatment".
    Then I would rather avoid the issue and try to make up for it in other ways, but of course nothing could replace this aspect. I lost all hope that something would work. I´m still trying to find how to cope with it.
    @frillyfun: Thank you for your support. My W got pregnant (actually more than once, I confess and trust your understanding), before and after the wedding. We both agreed not to have children and still don´t seriously consider having them, perhaps partly because of our sexual problem. We did/do feel bad about the abortionS. Although we visited a priest it obviously still leaves a guilty feeling. We support each other in this though.
    @markymapo: Thanks for your insight. We ended the "open" deal some time ago. I did not force her or anything. Actually I let her explore and see if she really wanted to end things with me. Although she met a couple of "good candidates" (whom I actually met on the phone), she again realized -I guess- that her love for me is just too special and decided to stay with me.

    Now I really need to know how to approach her again and be sexy with her (I tried before her trip and it was a steamy moment with some penetration, but I lost my erection again). She also needs to be able to feel like a woman with me and I want to know how I could support her in this. I appreciate your thoughts/suggestions.
  • JellyBeanJellyBean Sunny SoCalGold Women Posts: 5,054
    One more thing -- how much porn are you using, and how often do you masturbate?
    Enneagram type 9w1
    Mark72
  • SerenitySerenity Senior Moderator** Posts: 11,358
    Another factor in ED is weak pelvic muscles. Here's an excerpt:

    An often-overlooked method of improving ED is simply strengthening the pelvic floor muscles that support erections. While this obviously doesn’t have the immediate impact that ED meds do, it can be surprisingly effective.

    Some studies have shown that strengthening the pelvic floor muscles through exercise is almost as effective as using some of the ED meds, with 40% of the men regaining full function, and an additional 30-35% of the men showing at least some improvement.

    The muscles in the pelvic region are packed with testosterone receptors and are extremely dependent on adequate testosterone levels to function properly. As a man's testosterone levels go down, these muscles decline and atrophy, with the muscle fibers actually thinning. You need to rebuild those muscles by doing exercises called Kegels to strengthen them. 

    You can google 'man kegels' to learn how to do them properly. There are a million YouTube videos out there that are quite good.

    SurgSergAngeline
  • SurgSergSurgSerg EuropeSilver Member Posts: 10
    Thanks to all for your really valuable insights. I can respond individually on Friday.
    For now I can tell you that I already got the MAP book a couple of weeks ago and I´m halfway through. I know, slow, but still learning a lot.
    I´ll watch the body language serenity suggested right now.
    I´m also finding out about the other aspects (e.g. the T-test, here´s everything bureaucratic, but manageable). Thanks again, I´m really intent on going forward and your support really means a lot.
    SerenityAngelineJohn3HildaCorners
  • fordsvtfordsvt Canada Eh!Silver Member Posts: 2,300
    Did you read the MMSLP Book? You should if you haven't. I've read it three times and still use it for reference. NMMNG was a great book too.
    Lots of info, Blogs, and sites out there if you want to look

    Into Phase 3..

    Those Who Dare......Win.   "What gives you fear today...Gives you Strength tomorrow.."

    SurgSerg
  • TigerTiger SeattleCategory Moderator* Posts: 2,324
    What type of birth control have you two used? Do you know why it failed? An IUD might be a good option, hard to "forget" to use that once it's inserted. It's 99 percent effective, nearly as good as sterilization. Having birth control that you trust seems like a good idea.
    frillyfunSurgSerg
  • AngelineAngeline planting seedsCategory Moderator** Posts: 14,500
    Tiger said:
    What type of birth control have you two used? Do you know why it failed? An IUD might be a good option, hard to "forget" to use that once it's inserted. It's 99 percent effective, nearly as good as sterilization. Having birth control that you trust seems like a good idea.
    The plain copper IUD. Not the hormone emitting ones.
    "Speak your truth." - Scarlet
    Remember to play!
    Do the right thing, whether anyone is watching or not.
    Be married, until you are not.

    Email address: angeline.greenwood@att.net
    RebornfrillyfunSurgSergSerenity
  • JellyBeanJellyBean Sunny SoCalGold Women Posts: 5,054
    How many times did she get accidentally pregnant with you?  What BC were you both using at those times? 

    Having one accidental pregnancy is understandable. Having two is pushing it. Three or more says that one or both of you is reckless. 
    Enneagram type 9w1
    SurgSergPersephone
  • SurgSergSurgSerg EuropeSilver Member Posts: 10
    I read your comments again. I really appreciate your input.

    @Serenity: Your specific feedback (possible causes for problem) and, most of all, your suggestions and focused measures to take are really helpful. I know how critical the situation is, and will do everything I can to solve it. As to the specific steps:
    - I´m scheduling a T-test next Friday morning. Is it possible (& useful) to have one´s cortisol levels checked?
    - I did tell me wife once again how much I love her and that I´m really decided to solve this problem and that this time I will back it up with actions, not only words
    - I started doing the power poses a couple of days ago. There´s much to say (and ask) about this, the video you linked, self-assurance, etc. (including neurolinguistic programming and all those things). For now I´ll keep doing the "exercises".
    A related tip to others on this forum with similar problems: Progressive Relaxation Techniques (there´s a couple of sites with info)
    - I started reading the MAP a couple of weeks ago and will get back to it and finish it in the next couple of days (I paused because I wanted to read it with my wife-she liked the idea).
    - As I wrote, I stopped watching porn some time ago. Even then it was not everyday, not often, but still draining, I think.
    - Supermaket today, will buy Vitamin D
    - Cialis: My wife is away for aprox. 2 months. Does this still apply of should I wait for her return? I know this could really improve a critical aspect, my confidence in being able to "perform", but even so, isn´t a daily pill too much? I will do, since others also suggest it, but I will have to search for financing :blush: (not covered by insurance, really expensive here, esp. for our current budget, but of course a priority if you advise it).
    - I´ve been doing the Kegel exercises for some time. I think they´re effective.
    Thanks once more for your support, it makes all seem solvable.

    @The_Dude: Yes, we are living together, but right now she´s away for 2 months visiting family and friends at home.
    Previous cialis use worked very well a few of times, but not at all on other occassions... I know that one must be aroused to make it work, but I guess I got too anxious (about failing) at times. Serenity also suggests this though (above). How about side-effects?
    I will download the MMSL Primer right away - today after buying food and such (@fordsvt too, thanks a lot. I´ll look into both)
    You´re right when you say that I shouldn´t be so intellectual about the whole thing. Trust me, I know, and I wish I could let it go in that sense and be more instinctive/animal. It used to be like that at the beginning, all passion and nice. It sucks, but maybe my personality type made myself feel too pressured to function after failing...and then like a snowball I would reject the opportunity to be intimate with her.
    You mention you can sense I lack some understanding of things, but if you can, please give some more insight. I probably deals with Alpha behaviors for ex. I will read the Primer in any case.
    The open relationship sh** is over. Now she´s not here, but before her trip I was able to see that her interactions (calls, Whatsapp, etc.) really changed. I started trying to be a main source of joy (dopamine?) again, since the previous months were plagged by all sorts of problems, lack of sex and I clearly noticed her attitude toward me was off. Now it´s getting better, because I´m being more territorial and also appreciative of her. MMLP is in this sense fundamental to me now.

    @JellyBean (and @Tiger and @Angeline): The issue you mention was definitely tough on us (aside from the medication, animal thing and open relation, to which I responded above).
    We were absolutely careless. Before everything happened she never used any kind of female contraception (had also to do with her mom being all conservative and so on). Unfortunately I was never able to use condoms. I don´t know why, but the erection just goes away...it sucks. When we got married she started using hormones, but the physical and emotional drawbacks were not worth it, because at that time our sex life was already slow, so to speak. I´m pretty sure that she does not want kids, just like me (at least at a conscious level). We talked about it and neither she nor I have the ma/paternal instinct (or the patience for that matter) to raise children. Maybe we would change our minds (??) if our sex life was normal. The thing is that she´s an artist and would have to give some of that up. I don´t think she wants to, but we´ll talk about it again.
    Anyway, we did push it and had 2 abortions. A third one was "sort of avoided" through a pill the doctor gave her along with an injection, which terminated the suspected pregnancy with the corresponding bleeding without further procedure. Yes, it was reckless and ignorant on our part (too much risk and too little information). What do you recommend I/we could do about it at this point?
    You also ask about porn (none now) and masturbation: maybe once a week on average. The thing is, some places I researched suggest no masturbation at all, but others say I should keep the fellow in shape, and do it regularly.... What do you think?
    My attempts to solving this have been numerous. Your perspective as a woman can help me a lot. It makes no sense for me to avoid something so pleasurable like making love to the woman I love. It´s not a matter of lack of interest. I am the one who can change this and of course I don´t blame anyone else. I just lost hope little by little.
    At the beginning my wife´s reaction also made me feel unappreciated and less of a man. It made me anxious and unable to function. But then she learned to be understanding again, but it was I who could not respond well anymore. Then she got tired of my stupidity. Now she seems to be regaining hope in me. And I know she loves me. The help from doctors, psychologists, etc. was good and bad sometimes. Some would just not care, others did their best but did not work -or I did not stick to it.
    Now I really want to finally solve this and the insights and recommendations I get from you people on this forum makes a big difference.
    Thanks again and hope to read you soon!
  • SerenitySerenity Senior Moderator** Posts: 11,358
    For now, all you really need is the total T to see if this is even a problem. If they throw the cortisol test in for free, that's fine. (Cortisol is best tested through saliva, by the way.) If you can also get an estradiol (estrogen) level cheaply, that's helpful, but not necessary.

    Generic Cialis is cheaper than the brand. Not sure it's available where you are, or what your rules are for importing drugs, but here's an on-line drug store some guys use for generic Cialis.

    http://www.northdrugstore.com/buy-Cialis.html

    My husband finds it cheapest to buy the 20mg tablets and cut them into halves or even thirds and use them every few days. In general, Cialis is quite safe, but there are a few drugs it interacts with so make sure to run all this by your doctor. Don't use any on-line drug companies that don't require prescriptions, as they are not reputable.

    If your T levels are low, sometimes addressing that is enough to fix the ED. Or you may find that once you start using Cialis, your performance anxiety abates and you no longer need it. It's just kind of a trial and error thing, where you keep tweaking things until you find your sweet spot.

    I think the performance anxiety is a big part of your current situation. For a lot of guys, their sex drive rebounds once they resolve the ED issue. 

    Most of all, know that this is solvable. Many guys have been where you are and have come through on the other side. It takes some effort, of course, but no matter what happens between you and your wife, you need to get this resolved for you. 
    SurgSergAngeline
Sign In or Register to comment.