please don't feel bad about who you are. I know your wife walks all over you but that's not because you are lacking it's because sometimes people are opportunistic, ugly. They use and they take advantage. Animalistic. It's so ugly. I know you need to change your ways to get more of what you want out of life but just know that there are people in this world who think you are great the way you are. Vulnerable and sensitive people... People who care...people like you. You are a whole person. You have the courage to be vulnerable. That's very attractive. That makes you real. You don't hide behind a veil of fronting. Well, yeah, now you do, because, well...you know...people. It's other people's ugliness that makes you have to hide who you really are. The law of the jungle. Anyway, just wanted to show my appreciation for people who have a heart.
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I kind of know what you mean- at first I found all the Alpha emphasis one-dimensional too. I was asking myself "where's the tenderness"? If you take the time to read Athol Kay's writings, you grasp that Alpha and Beta are both essential to the mix.
Gentleness coming from strength is a wonderful thing. Softness coming from fear is usually just paralysis.
Another way to describe vulnerability is "self-knowledge about my own weaknesses". Once I've recognised vulnerability, I can choose to stay in it or choose to acknowledge it and keep doing what seems right.
All very abstract perhaps. @BrianC would be a great person to communicate with if you need specific help on this. This is his website http://www.google.com/url?q=http://wildmanproject.ca/&sa=U&ei=rvhrVY_KNI207QaXyoGwBw&ved=0CBQQFjAA&usg=AFQjCNG7iKJL_udwuNTthJ3yL7pF7hwXzQ
"Do more of what you love."
"Do more of what you love."
That is the wrong lesson.
The lesson we need to learn is that we are putting ourselves out in a manner that brings this out in the people around us. We are showing softness, fear, passivity, and often - even though we don't mean to - contempt for people around us. After all, we have put forward a nice and soft self because we want people to love us, because we don't think highly enough of them to give them a raw, honest version.
The raw and honest version of every whole person offers vulnerability only to the people who have earned it by showing themselves to be trustworthy enough to take a chance on. A person who opens his arms to every other person shows that his trust and his time are free - because he doesn't value them.
When you can stand up for yourself as a proud, honest individual who is interested in making win-win deals with people around him, people around you change. They stop looking for a way to take advantage and start looking for a way to cut a good deal. They stop abusing your time, and start looking to earn it. They stop being ugly, and look to attract your attention.
Think of those descriptors: proud, honest, deal-maker, respectful. Those are not asking us to change who we are; they are telling us to love what we are without doubts or caveats. They are reminding us to stop trying to be worthy of love by being soft, nice, and sweet, and recognize that we are already worthy, and that we don't need to bribe other people into loving us with a false persona.
Alpha is only really a matter of having the courage and strong boundaries you need in order to respect yourself - and command the respect of others. It does not require you to change the genuine loving person that you are.
All men are great men, most fail to see the greatness in themselves.
Power, Passion, Principle and Purpose: The Wild Man Project
My most popular articles: The Art of the Apology (also on video), The Basics of Assertiveness, The Art of Friendship
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Fuck Culture. Live your life - Beatrice
Like Athol, I prefer the terms "Attraction" and "Relationship Comfort". They have meaning inherently, and are a lot more useful to someone trying to improve themself.
Attraction are the qualities that make people turn their heads to you; that make you someone they want to know better. Being physically attractive is part of it, but so are your personality, dress, body language ... you don't have to be a born leader or a 10 in the sexual marketplace to have a higher attraction level.
Relationship comfort are the things that make people want to stay around you. Listening to others, keeping a good home, being a good parent (if applicable) ... there's nothing weak or submissive about doing Relationship comfort well.
Anyone interested in healthy long term relationships needs both Attraction and Relationship comfort. Neither is better or more important, though different people prefer different mixes.
Continuing to complain about alpha and beta doesn't get you anywhere. Instead, think about how you can increase your attractiveness and relationship comfort skills. For a much better explanation, look at Athol's new videos ... Part 2 focuses on this in detail.
Enneagram 5w4. I'm researching what that means, before designing t-shirt art about it.
"I feel no shame in making lavish use of the strongest muscles, namely male ones (but my own strongest muscle is dedicated to the service of men - noblesse oblige). I don't begrudge men one whit of their natural advantages as long as they respect mine. I am not an unhappy pseudomale; I am female and like it that way." RAH
Nearly everyone here wants to be helpful and wants to see all the other forum members succeed and have wonderful lives. Lots of us want to help you. I want to help you. It is hard to continue engaging with you because you come across as defensive and spiky when faced with suggestions you look at things differently.
You will find that fewer people will want to help you if you continue to respond to their well-meant --if challenging-- comments to you with reflexive defensiveness and scorn.
In your last thread people gave some solid advice as starting points for your map.