Mozart's Triage

mozartmozart NYSilver Member Posts: 5
1.  Me 51(M), her 50(F).  Married nine years ago.  Together 10 years.  (Actually acquainted in high school, but little interaction until meeting again at 40.)  Twins, 17, from her prev marriage.  Guessing me 2, she 5 on physical hotness.  Me 5' 11", she 5' 5".  Both obese: Me 220, she 180?  Me pretty much set on earning power while she no degree and kind of a chip on her shoulder about working.  (I agreed a year or two in to have her stop working and be a SAHM, which in hindsight didn't work out as well as intended.)

2.  Me overweight, obviously, and a few minor issues accumulated from age.  Libido is normal I guess.  Typically getting off about once per day (solo).

Her issues are dramatic: PCOS from an early age.  Dramatic bleeding during periods.  Total hysterectomy (very unfortunate) about the time we started dating and rapid libido decline from that point, to zero around the time of marriage.  Also probably on SSRIs.  In year one or two of marriage, went to an endocrinologist, a woman from a Middle Eastern culture, who basically said "accept that sex is over".  A year or two later, she tried some sort of testosterone from a compounding pharmacy--felt there was no change after a week or two and ceased.  Essentially zeroed out for the last 7-8 years (frequency of sex about once per year; describes intercourse as painful).  Says recently that she's moving from SSRI to Wellbutrin, though I've not noticed any difference.  Profound lack of libido.  More recently have been asking about HJs at least, but says she cannot do this without more emotional closeness.  Really, hard to credit the idea that we'll have sex again.

3.  Me slightly obese during our marriage.  Moderate moobs--blah.  Tendency towards depression.  Borderline Aspergers probably.  And, of course, a major Nice Guy (pussy).  This last year also borderline alcoholic, as a way of coping with this and work issues.

She semi-unemployable.  Has some college and admin assistant background, but feels that's beneath her at this point.  Working on BA degree, but less than half time, and will take a number of years at least to finish.  Doesn't feel there are any positions in our area (NY) where she'd be hire-able until she finishes degree.

4.  Not sure there's much there.  She gravely resents that we moved to NY.  This was a couple of years ago, and I was partly motivated by the idea that the change of scenery might rejuvinate our relationship.  Almost immediately she cast it as some horrible thing I'd done to her and the kids.  Offered several times to move her back, but she says this is impossible--essentially, the damage has been done and cannot be fixed.

Her: About a year ago, at a low point, said she wasn't sure she wanted to be married to me anymore.  Also has been indicating that even if her libido were to return, she wouldn't want to have sex with _me_ due to the poor state of our relationship.  This sticks with me.  Also around this time, she accidentally sent me an email intended for a common (male) friend/confident that was mildly flirty (and in which she referred to me as a "monster").

5.  Not much here.  I look at porn some.  I'm quite certain she's completely asexual.

6.  Her hysterectomy was about a year prior to marriage, and led to a rapid decline in sex.  Didn't have sex on honeymoon.  Most recent seven or eight years has been once per year or less.  (Aside: If anyone you know ever considers a hysterectomy, they must must must do the research on it.  It can really be quite catastrophic on libido.)

7.  The sex prior to marriage was limited but okay.  Not really great, but figured we'd learn our way into it.  She did say that she "loved giving head", and seemed to genuinely believe it.  (Apparently she was quite sexual prior to meeting me.)  Which I discounted considerably, of course.  Maybe one or two instances of oral in the years since.

8.  For me, I guess it's the sexless marriage.  Within the last year we've done some marriage counseling.  Mostly desultory, but just telling the counselor (in a one-on-one session) that there was virtually no sex at all with my wife was a significant relief.  It's felt like my shameful secret.  I feel utterly un-fuckable, and it's sapping my will to live.

On her part, I suppose she's ashamed as well.  Though she tries to cast it as "well, we've all pretty much lost interest in sex at this point", I think she'd be mortified if her family and friends really understood just how sexless our marriage is.

9.  Hard to say.  I've certainly been a total pussy.  But at the same time I'm the breadwinner, and can be stubborn about some things.  In a way, probably the best answer is that we have a leadership vacuum of sorts.  On some occasions when I've tried to take the reins, she's undercut me immediately.  She can't really lead, and gravely objects to being led by me.

10.  At the very beginning, she was a single mom with two young kids, about to lose her house, and barely holding things together.  I swept in and started fixing anything and everything, and basically I could do no wrong.  She ate it all up.  That lasted about a year or two.  These days she fears and resents her dependence on me I'd say.

Hard to say exactly what changed.  We had to make some practical compromises in living conditions (e.g., moving from her neighborhood, which she loved), and she resents me for that.  As the years of physical denial proceeded, I also withdrew physically (backrubs, etc), so now we live almost as siblings that don't get along particularly well.


I have mixed feelings about whether to try to jump start our relationship.  Sometimes I'd like it to just be over, and really these days I wouldn't mind just checking out completely.  At the same time, if she could somehow come back to life sexually, that would be appealing.
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Comments

  • fordsvtfordsvt Canada Eh!Silver Member Posts: 2,300
    Welcome to the forum. Great Triage too. 
    You both have a ton of work to do here. First decide if you want to or can save this marriage. Then read the books from Athol and start doing some research here. Lots of great people to help on this Forum. 

    Into Phase 3..

    Those Who Dare......Win.   "What gives you fear today...Gives you Strength tomorrow.."

  • WarnPeaceWarnPeace AustraliaGold Men Posts: 125
    Welcome and great triage!   It takes courage to admit "I feel utterly un-fuckable, and it's sapping my will to live."   You will find the help you need here and while you're doing your research and taking in everything MMSL has to offer and figuring out what you want - there is one thing that you can do right now.  Get to the gym today.  Start getting yourself in shape, as you make progress it will boost your self-confidence and make you feel fuckable again.
    INTJ & 7w8
  • mozartmozart NYSilver Member Posts: 5
    Yeah, starting at the gym Monday.  Seems like a no-brainer.  As for the rest, we'll see.
    WarnPeaceTennee
  • 446446 ArkansasSilver Member Posts: 648
    How many drinks per day and what is the longest you been without a drink in the last year?
  • mozartmozart NYSilver Member Posts: 5
    About 4-5 standard drinks most days.  According to the WHO, I'm not quite an alcoholic (though that was a couple of months back).  Not sure about the breaks, but went three days recently after food poisoning.  Actually kind of thought about hitting an AA meeting, but figured it'd be kind of like rubbernecking, since I'm not seriously hooked.  Though I can definitely feel the pull now.

    The thing is, being lit is about as close as I've ever felt to feeling normal.  That'd be hard to give up.  Hoping more that I can just hold a moderate mark, like two per day (maybe three occasionally).
  • AngelineAngeline planting seedsCategory Moderator** Posts: 14,500
    I ws pretty startled to see that amount of alcohol described as moderate, so I looked it up. You are partially correct about the number of drinks, but you left off some important qualifiers. You also need to condider how many days in s row you drink that much, and how fast. Age, weight, activty level, and overall health impacts it as well. 

    But most of all, how does it affect your life? If you technically don't fit the label of alcoholic but your life is a train wreck, the numbers don't really matter, do they?

    This looks like a pretty useful, non-judgmental site for trying out a program of moderation.

    http://www.moderatedrinking.com/home/default_home.aspx?p=md_defined
    "Speak your truth." - Scarlet
    Remember to play!
    Do the right thing, whether anyone is watching or not.
    Be married, until you are not.

    Email address: angeline.greenwood@att.net
  • mozartmozart NYSilver Member Posts: 5
    For better or worse, the amount I drink does not seem to be affecting my life much at this point.  I'm aware, though, that over the long run it's unsustainable.  At present, though, it's a coping mechanism, and I think my life would probably be more of a train wreck without it.
  • fredlessfredless Silver Member Posts: 2,842
    mozart said:
    For better or worse, the amount I drink does not seem to be affecting my life much at this point.  I'm aware, though, that over the long run it's unsustainable.  At present, though, it's a coping mechanism, and I think my life would probably be more of a train wreck without it.
    That's a red flag.  Using alcohol to cope is a huge concern.  Moreover, if you are really going to start going to a gym, it's time to make some real lifestyle changes.  At your age, what you put into your body is really important.  Your progress at the gym will be severely limited if you feed your body a lot of shit.
    frillyfunAngelinebuddyfCartB4Horse
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