Based on my understanding of the MAP, I should start by changing all REDS to GREEN, regardless of the energy category. Then, take note of YELLOWS and GREENS, first in Physicality and Health. Right?
So, here are the REDS I identified right away, about two weeks ago:
- Stop slacking off exercise
- Stop using sugar as food (when I need a snack, make it something fresh or at least complex carbs)
- Stop ignoring broken things
- Stop displaying low value
- Stop emotional tunnel vision
- Stop blaming them about sex
These are all things I've stopped after reading the MAP, but I think some of them I'm going to need to keep watching to make sure I've actually stopped. I don't want to assume I've changed a habit until at least a month has gone by.
I'm keeping a chart (actually a Trello board) because my memory isn't great, and I'm thinking about re-coloring them to reflect this:
Possible New Status:
- Stop slacking off exercise - YELLOW - I've been working out every two days for almost three weeks now
- Stop using sugar as food (when I need a snack, make it something fresh or complex) - YELLOW - I'm taking more fruit to work with me, eating fewer candy or coffee-based refreshment
- Stop ignoring broken things - YELLOW - Only thing on the list right now is a broken snowblower
- Stop displaying low value - YELLOW
- Stop emotional tunnel vision - GREEN
- Stop fake relaxation - YELLOW
- Stop people pleasing - YELLOW
- Stop blaming them about sex - GREEN
- Stop outside sources - YELLOW
I'd love some opinions on whether it's too soon to be changing colors, maybe someone else's experience with how to be honest with yourself regarding the permanence of changes.
Finally, the rest of Physicality and Health:
- Stop slacking off exercise
- Stop using sugar as food (when I need a snack, make it something fresh or at least complex carbs)
- Eat a balanced diet - GREEN
- Get fresh air, lots of water - GREEN
- Find new places and friends - YELLOW
...and my Elephant:
- Call Dr. for consultation about vasectomy
1
Comments
Gonna' post this in the workout thread too, for some accountability.
M.A.P. - http://marriedmansexlife.vanillaforums.com/discussion/13574/pen-and-swords-map
Typical misbehavior:
I've always known the last two were bad, but somehow seeing them as DLV helps me understand this as an identity issue, not just as individual moral failings.
Being aware has already made a difference, but I'm dealing with life-long patterns here, so it may take awhile to make GREEN.
M.A.P. - http://marriedmansexlife.vanillaforums.com/discussion/13574/pen-and-swords-map
@Pen_and_Sword, my youngest son has forced me to learn a lot about parenting. Here's a couple of things that might help:
But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep.
M.A.P. - http://marriedmansexlife.vanillaforums.com/discussion/13574/pen-and-swords-map
If I think about it too much, I become afraid of the pain. So I'm thinking about it only as a series of tasks, and not dwelling on it unless there's something I need to do. Kind of nice to see I learned somewhere how to compartmentalize and just do what needs doing. Hope it lasts.
M.A.P. - http://marriedmansexlife.vanillaforums.com/discussion/13574/pen-and-swords-map
As I said above, I have a poor memory and fairly weak situational awareness. So a lot of times when my wife says things other guys here would call a fitness test, it's actually because I need the help. Like, I totally did not see that car coming before I went to pull out.
It's sad, I suppose. I'm working on both improving my weak areas, and doubling down on what I CAN do well, so that there is a better frame for my mistakes. Good example:
We just had a weekend trip - 11 hour drive, four days away. I took a page out of my work tricks and rocked checklist after checklist to the point where, when my wife went to do one last thing before we left, and found again that I had already taken care of it, she asked, "Who are you?" ...with a big smile, and a bit of a twinkle.
Hopefully that compensated a little for a few of the dumb mistakes I made after being tired from driving so far.
But here's a typical DLV from a few days after we get back: Pulling out of a parking lot, I can't cut the wheel as sharply as would be ideal, because someone parked way too close. She's tense, tired, and nervous about pulling out into city traffic. So she yells for my attention, tells me to cut the wheel.
I yell back, tell her to shut up. That was very aggressive for me; maybe better than just taking it, but also very DLV for her when I'm that flustered. I wish I had stopped the car, calmly said something about having the situation under control and needing quiet, then proceeded.
Recognizing that she was nervous and insecure, not fitness testing, but I had the opportunity to assert my Captaincy - what would some of the First Officers here have liked to hear?
M.A.P. - http://marriedmansexlife.vanillaforums.com/discussion/13574/pen-and-swords-map
Be patient with yourself and your wife during this process of growing and changing. I am glad you were able to recognize her nervousness, and not automatically assume she was fitness testing. Good job!
Please don't tell her to shut up though, that's just rude.
Keep up the good work, I think you are doing great and good luck with your MAP!
I went looking for my dreams outside of myself and discovered, it's not what the world holds for you, it's what you bring to it.
Anne Shirley - Anne of Avonlea
I blew it, but thank you, @MrsJon for the encouragement - I do believe it's a process. Onward!
M.A.P. - http://marriedmansexlife.vanillaforums.com/discussion/13574/pen-and-swords-map
WOW, was it hard not to ask if the flavors were ok. I've apparently allowed myself to not trust my own judgement for FAR too long.
But I didn't ask.
M.A.P. - http://marriedmansexlife.vanillaforums.com/discussion/13574/pen-and-swords-map
But I feel like I still need a lot of work on:
Fifteen days in, that leaves me with three...oranges(?)... and a LOT of yellows. No sign of change in my wife's attraction, but I'm willing to accept there may be none until I get a lot more green and start reading/applying MMSL.
Good change:
Thanks to the forum, even though I haven't found the MMSL article on STFU, I prevented a disagreement from turning into a fight by STFU last night. I think we still disagree, but she came and gave me a hug later, said she didn't want to fight, and thanked me for trying to work with her on the subject. Wow. My inclination was (as usual) to try and try to explain how reasonable and well-intentioned I was being. Insanity = trying the same thing over and over, but expecting different results. STFU kept me sane last night. Thankful.
M.A.P. - http://marriedmansexlife.vanillaforums.com/discussion/13574/pen-and-swords-map
Stop Displaying Low Value / Maintain Your Own Frame
Stop People Pleasing / Maintain Your Own Frame
* Holy Crap Moment:
M.A.P. - http://marriedmansexlife.vanillaforums.com/discussion/13574/pen-and-swords-map
(from first two steps)
1. Physicality & Health
- Get vasectomy - first appointment is this Wed
- Don't use sugar as food - need to be more proactive about bringing healthy snacks to work
- Otherwise, exercise, activity, and diet have been Green.
2. Money and MaterialsM.A.P. - http://marriedmansexlife.vanillaforums.com/discussion/13574/pen-and-swords-map
Had pre-vasectomy physical. Kind of an ego boost when I took my shirt off... the doc said immediately that I was obviously in great shape and he wouldn't bother with lab work for anything. (Now, that's obviously not the same as "good looking," but it reminded me to be thankful for my health.)
Now I have to figure out when in the next two months would be best to have a couple of sick days (just in case) and schedule the actual snip.
------------------------------------------------
Data Point
Saturday morning I took my wife to the ER following a night of really bad symptoms. Dropped kids with friends in the morning, went to the hospital and, by lunch, doctors confirmed that her dizziness, heart palpitations, etc were migraine-related. Meaning, keep taking meds for now, get some extra sleep, have a quiet day with no bright light, etc.
I'd been expressing interest without initiating (I guess that's what you call "drive-bys") for a couple days (ovulation week), and she had been responding well; leaning in to kisses, etc. So that afternoon, I took advantage of the enforced "no-running-errands-&-gardening" time to initiate. For the first time in a couple months (since I started keeping track), we went past making love and fucked each other properly. Every bit as good as it used to be. I could be really happy with once or twice a week of that.
Tentative Conclusion: While I need to give her lots of understanding for the medical issues, running a good MAP and creating space for down-time makes a real difference. So, medical issues or not, there's a lot of responsibility on me. And that's good, because the MAP gives me a constructive place to put any frustrated energy.
Thoughts?
M.A.P. - http://marriedmansexlife.vanillaforums.com/discussion/13574/pen-and-swords-map
Wife: "Well, whatever you're doing, it seems to be working for you."
Me: "You mean you've noticed my energy levels are better?"
Wife: "I don't know about your energy levels. But I can see a difference."
Not bad for only about a month.
M.A.P. - http://marriedmansexlife.vanillaforums.com/discussion/13574/pen-and-swords-map
I have a few things that helped me in similar circumstances.
My wife doesn't do that well when I'm driving. In addition to telling her "I've got this" I have also said "Just sit there and look pretty." She started laughing, took it as a compliment and shut the hell up. Win-win. I believe some of this bitching about my driving is a shit test. It also show's a weakness in her in that she can't give up control of the car without getting a little freaky. This problem went away later in my MAP, probably because I control our relationship and have shot her down more than a few times.
I used to ask for my wife's approval, or what she wanted. Don't, neither of you want that. I always pick out where to go eat and just tell her. I don't ask if that's okay or explain. If she doesn't want to go there she can suggest another place. Athol had a helpful blog post on "Leadership Moments" that helped tremendously.
I had a vasectomy about five years ago. Never had any problems or pain. And we don't have to worry about another Cart Jr. coming along so sex is worry free.
Don't bitch to your wife about a bad day, ever. Be in control, be positive, be the rock. Shit happens - a good Captain takes it and moves on.
Put back on course via a 'One Hour Call' with Athol. Seriously worth 10 times the cost, but don't tell him that....
“Between stimulus and response, there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.” - Victor Frankl
I was just starting to feel a little discouraged, because becoming an awesome captain looks like a long road. But after reading your comment, I realized the progress seems to have slowed because my list of broken things has proliferated. But. As long as I don't IGNORE broken things, I'm not really moving backwards from yellow to red, right? I was emotionally connecting good captaining with getting that list done. This:
"Shit happens - a good Captain takes it and moves on."
...is a truth I really need to remember. As in, it's not necessarily my fault shit happens. But I must own my response.
I like the "Sit there and look pretty" quote. Probably gonna' steal it. And thanks for the good word on your vasectomy. Seems like most of the stories I've heard are chronic pain, etc. I only got up the guts to go for it when I realized I'm already living with minor chronic pains. What's one more?
And for the rest - I got most of it from reading the MAP book, but it's encouraging to hear it from a man who has been walking it out, and in someone else's words. So thanks again, man. Much appreciated.
M.A.P. - http://marriedmansexlife.vanillaforums.com/discussion/13574/pen-and-swords-map