Pen_and_Sword's MAP

Pen_and_SwordPen_and_Sword USASilver Member Posts: 469
Based on my understanding of the MAP, I should start by changing all REDS to GREEN, regardless of the energy category. Then, take note of YELLOWS and GREENS, first in Physicality and Health. Right?

So, here are the REDS I identified right away, about two weeks ago:
  • Stop slacking off exercise
  • Stop using sugar as food (when I need a snack, make it something fresh or at least complex carbs)
  • Stop ignoring broken things
  • Stop displaying low value
  • Stop emotional tunnel vision
  • Stop orbiting
  • Stop fake relaxation
  • Stop people pleasing
  • Stop blaming them about sex
  • Stop outside sources

These are all things I've stopped after reading the MAP, but I think some of them I'm going to need to keep watching to make sure I've actually stopped. I don't want to assume I've changed a habit until at least a month has gone by.

I'm keeping a chart (actually a Trello board) because my memory isn't great, and I'm thinking about re-coloring them to reflect this:

Possible New Status:
  • Stop slacking off exercise - YELLOW - I've been working out every two days for almost three weeks now
  • Stop using sugar as food (when I need a snack, make it something fresh or complex) - YELLOW - I'm taking more fruit to work with me, eating fewer candy or coffee-based refreshment
  • Stop ignoring broken things - YELLOW - Only thing on the list right now is a broken snowblower
  • Stop displaying low value - YELLOW
  • Stop emotional tunnel vision - GREEN
  • Stop orbiting - YELLOW 
  • Stop fake relaxation - YELLOW
  • Stop people pleasing - YELLOW
  • Stop blaming them about sex - GREEN
  • Stop outside sources - YELLOW


I'd love some opinions on whether it's too soon to be changing colors, maybe someone else's experience with how to be honest with yourself regarding the permanence of changes.


Finally, the rest of Physicality and Health:
  • Stop slacking off exercise
  • Stop using sugar as food (when I need a snack, make it something fresh or at least complex carbs)
  • Eat a balanced diet - GREEN
  • Get fresh air, lots of water - GREEN
  • Find new places and friends - YELLOW

...and my Elephant:

  • Call Dr. for consultation about vasectomy

"James Bond doesn't have bad days."  - Tennee
"The goal is to turn women on, NOT sex. If you become good at turning women on, sex can be assumed." - Tanooki
Triage: http://marriedmansexlife.vanillaforums.com/discussion/13564/so-this-is-me
M.A.P. - http://marriedmansexlife.vanillaforums.com/discussion/13574/pen-and-swords-map
Elise
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Comments

  • Pen_and_SwordPen_and_Sword USASilver Member Posts: 469
    Turning my Exercise RED to YELLOW. Here's my current plan:

    I'm 6' even, 165 lbs.

    I look skinny with my shirt on. I think that's better than fat, but it's different from attractive. And I don't like the little love handles I'm seeing with shirt off.

    I'm not interested in a gym membership - having to drive, paying money, etc. Why bother when body-weight exercises kick my ass anyway? Also, at my age, I want to focus on compound movements that will make a difference when I have wheelbarrows, suitcases, wifey, etc, to throw around.

    I've always had trouble eating enough calories to build mass. So for now I'm trying to worry less about getting lean, and concentrate on building muscle so that I don't disappear completely when the fat goes.

    I found some cool fitness standards from a WWII Army fitness test. I'm a long way from any of them, but my idea is to start with what I can do. So far (three-ish weeks) my numbers keep creeping up. If/when I plateu, then I figure I'll start mixing up different types of exercise. For now, repetion helps build habits.

    WW II ARMY FITNESS GOALS
    Pullups: 20
    Squat Jumps: 75
    Pushups: 54
    2-MIN Situps: 79
    300 Yard Run: 47 sec
    60-SEC Squat Thrust: 41
    Hand-stand pushups: 20


    Gonna' post this in the workout thread too, for some accountability.
    "James Bond doesn't have bad days."  - Tennee
    "The goal is to turn women on, NOT sex. If you become good at turning women on, sex can be assumed." - Tanooki
    Triage: http://marriedmansexlife.vanillaforums.com/discussion/13564/so-this-is-me
    M.A.P. - http://marriedmansexlife.vanillaforums.com/discussion/13574/pen-and-swords-map
    shibari
  • RebornReborn LondonGold Men Posts: 2,987
    In addition to the good post above, I would recommend the book "Between parent and child" by Haim Ginott
    Enneagram type 5 w6. 
    If I offer lots of advice, it's probably really me giving advice to myself. That always seems to happen. 
  • Pen_and_SwordPen_and_Sword USASilver Member Posts: 469
    Thanks, John & Reborn. I especially resonate with John's first point as being something I need to work on.... something my dad never realized. 


    "James Bond doesn't have bad days."  - Tennee
    "The goal is to turn women on, NOT sex. If you become good at turning women on, sex can be assumed." - Tanooki
    Triage: http://marriedmansexlife.vanillaforums.com/discussion/13564/so-this-is-me
    M.A.P. - http://marriedmansexlife.vanillaforums.com/discussion/13574/pen-and-swords-map
    [Deleted User]
  • Pen_and_SwordPen_and_Sword USASilver Member Posts: 469
    Consultation with my primary physician - who I haven't seen in eight years - to talk about a vasectomy is scheduled. About two weeks out.

    If I think about it too much, I become afraid of the pain. So I'm thinking about it only as a series of tasks, and not dwelling on it unless there's something I need to do. Kind of nice to see I learned somewhere how to compartmentalize and just do what needs doing. Hope it lasts.
    "James Bond doesn't have bad days."  - Tennee
    "The goal is to turn women on, NOT sex. If you become good at turning women on, sex can be assumed." - Tanooki
    Triage: http://marriedmansexlife.vanillaforums.com/discussion/13564/so-this-is-me
    M.A.P. - http://marriedmansexlife.vanillaforums.com/discussion/13574/pen-and-swords-map
  • Pen_and_SwordPen_and_Sword USASilver Member Posts: 469
    Regarding DLV:

    As I said above, I have a poor memory and fairly weak situational awareness. So a lot of times when my wife says things other guys here would call a fitness test, it's actually because I need the help. Like, I totally did not see that car coming before I went to pull out. 

    It's sad, I suppose. I'm working on both improving my weak areas, and doubling down on what I CAN do well, so that there is a better frame for my mistakes. Good example: 

    We just had a weekend trip - 11 hour drive, four days away. I took a page out of my work tricks and rocked checklist after checklist to the point where, when my wife went to do one last thing before we left, and found again that I had already taken care of it, she asked, "Who are you?"  ...with a big smile, and a bit of a twinkle.

    Hopefully that compensated a little for a few of the dumb mistakes I made after being tired from driving so far.

    But here's a typical DLV from a few days after we get back: Pulling out of a parking lot, I can't cut the wheel as sharply as would be ideal, because someone parked way too close. She's tense, tired, and nervous about pulling out into city traffic. So she yells for my attention, tells me to cut the wheel. 

    I yell back, tell her to shut up. That was very aggressive for me; maybe better than just taking it, but also very DLV for her when I'm that flustered. I wish I had stopped the car, calmly said something about having the situation under control and needing quiet, then proceeded.

    Recognizing that she was nervous and insecure, not fitness testing, but I had the opportunity to assert my Captaincy - what would some of the First Officers here have liked to hear?
    "James Bond doesn't have bad days."  - Tennee
    "The goal is to turn women on, NOT sex. If you become good at turning women on, sex can be assumed." - Tanooki
    Triage: http://marriedmansexlife.vanillaforums.com/discussion/13564/so-this-is-me
    M.A.P. - http://marriedmansexlife.vanillaforums.com/discussion/13574/pen-and-swords-map
    Angeline
  • MrsJonMrsJon ColoradoSilver Member Posts: 466
    @Pen_and_Sword ;  Just a simple "I got this" would suffice in a situation like this. That is assuming, of course, that you are actually in control of the situation. Bluffing or faking won't work especially if you have a history of making mistakes or losing control in similar situations.
    Be patient with yourself and your wife during this process of growing and changing. I am glad you were able to recognize her nervousness, and not automatically assume she was fitness testing. Good job!
    Please don't tell her to shut up though, that's just rude.
    Keep up the good work, I think you are doing great and good luck with your MAP!

    I went looking for my dreams outside of myself and discovered, it's not what the world holds for you, it's what you bring to it.  
           Anne Shirley - Anne of Avonlea
                                              
    Pen_and_SwordAngelineKatt[Deleted User]
  • Pen_and_SwordPen_and_Sword USASilver Member Posts: 469
    I see - simple but kind would have been perfect since I was in control... this time. 
    I blew it, but thank you, @MrsJon ; for the encouragement - I do believe it's a process. Onward!
    "James Bond doesn't have bad days."  - Tennee
    "The goal is to turn women on, NOT sex. If you become good at turning women on, sex can be assumed." - Tanooki
    Triage: http://marriedmansexlife.vanillaforums.com/discussion/13564/so-this-is-me
    M.A.P. - http://marriedmansexlife.vanillaforums.com/discussion/13574/pen-and-swords-map
    BourneAgainMrsJonAngeline
  • Pen_and_SwordPen_and_Sword USASilver Member Posts: 469
    REDS:

    Stop Displaying Low Value / Maintain Your Own Frame
    • Good: A driving situation, similar to one I've described earlier. I was calmer, took @MrsJon's suggestion exactly, and said, "I've got this," in a calm, reassuring tone. Wife's tone altered immediately, though she continued a quiet running tally of inbound cars and pedestrians. I think it makes her feel better...
    • Good: I've been recognizing leadership opportunities, creating default choices, and assuming the family would follow unless there is a reason not to. 
    • Bad: W was being bossy about something. I should - and could easily - have let her finish, looked at her calmly, and said, "That won't work; it's broken." Instead, I said, "Don't tell me what to do!" like a pissy teen. Good grief. It's as though admitting that it's not ok to be bossed popped some kind of switch and now I overreact. Is that normal? I hope it's a temporary reaction I can get locked down soon. 

    Stop People Pleasing Maintain Your Own Frame
    • Thinking about changing this one to yellow. Besides my wife, there's a guy in our social circles who unofficially mentored me for a while. He's smart, talented, can be the most encouraging guy in the world. He can also be the king of covert contracts and BSC.* This is kind of an overlap with Maintaining Frame, because they both have had powerful abilities to suck me into *their* frames, because I was afraid to displease them. Most of the battle is now contained inside my head, without spilling into actions, so that's good, and I'm winning the internal battles most of the time. 

    * Holy Crap Moment:
    • Just realized that my being desperate to please this fellow is a Critical Moment of Neglect that's NOT fully resolved, because my following his opinions has hurt my wife, and I realize that she hasn't seen me prove for long enough that I'm independent of his control. I'm pretty sure she still cringes a little inside when I talk with him. Need to stay iron strong on this one.
    "James Bond doesn't have bad days."  - Tennee
    "The goal is to turn women on, NOT sex. If you become good at turning women on, sex can be assumed." - Tanooki
    Triage: http://marriedmansexlife.vanillaforums.com/discussion/13564/so-this-is-me
    M.A.P. - http://marriedmansexlife.vanillaforums.com/discussion/13574/pen-and-swords-map
    MrsJonEliseAngelinemaverick
  • Pen_and_SwordPen_and_Sword USASilver Member Posts: 469
    edited July 2015
    YELLOWS
    (from first two steps)

    1. Physicality & Health
    • Get vasectomy - first appointment is this Wed
    • Don't use sugar as food - need to be more proactive about bringing healthy snacks to work
    • Otherwise, exercise, activity, and diet have been Green.
    2. Money and Materials
    • Stop ignoring broken things - last week was good. Finished up repairs to a rental property we own, fixed some broken interior doorknobs at home. This week: solve intermittent problems with internet connection.
    • Refine and keep budget - getting better, but need to have a review with Wife. Took charge and put it on the calendar for tomorrow night.
    • Use it or Lose it - Garage and boiler room need to be de-cluttered. Might need to wait until "broken" projects are resolved.
    • Make More Money. Not a short-term goal. I'm doing better at my current job than I would anywhere else I know of. I can improve by focusing on rocking my current role. If fixing broken things and de-cluttering frees up energy, I may be able to write a few articles to bring in some income. It will take an investment of time and energy to make it work, though.
    "James Bond doesn't have bad days."  - Tennee
    "The goal is to turn women on, NOT sex. If you become good at turning women on, sex can be assumed." - Tanooki
    Triage: http://marriedmansexlife.vanillaforums.com/discussion/13564/so-this-is-me
    M.A.P. - http://marriedmansexlife.vanillaforums.com/discussion/13574/pen-and-swords-map
  • The_DudeThe_Dude Hollywood Star LanesGold Men Posts: 4,583

    Good change:
    Thanks to the forum, even though I haven't found the MMSL article on STFU, I prevented a disagreement from turning into a fight by STFU last night. I think we still disagree, but she came and gave me a hug later, said she didn't want to fight, and thanked me for trying to work with her on the subject. Wow. My inclination was (as usual) to try and try to explain how reasonable and well-intentioned I was being. Insanity = trying the same thing over and over, but expecting different results. STFU kept me sane last night. Thankful.
    One of the things I've learned over the past couple years is that "winning" these types of arguments is actually losing.   There are plenty of options other than "yes dear" and some long logically perfect explanation of why you were right.
    AngelinePen_and_SwordLeticia
  • CartB4HorseCartB4Horse Southwest USASilver Member Posts: 4,155
    @Pen_and_Sword - You're doing great, making progress.

    I have a few things that helped me in similar circumstances.

    My wife doesn't do that well when I'm driving. In addition to telling her "I've got this" I have also said "Just sit there and look pretty."  She started laughing, took it as a compliment and shut the hell up.  Win-win.  I believe some of this bitching about my driving is a shit test.  It also show's a weakness in her in that she can't give up control of the car without getting a little freaky.  This problem went away later in my MAP, probably because I control our relationship and have shot her down more than a few times.

    I used to ask for my wife's approval, or what she wanted.  Don't, neither of you want that.  I always pick out where to go eat and just tell her.  I don't ask if that's okay or explain.  If she doesn't want to go there she can suggest another place.  Athol had a helpful blog post on "Leadership Moments" that helped tremendously.

    I had a vasectomy about five years ago.  Never had any problems or pain.  And we don't have to worry about another Cart Jr. coming along so sex is worry free.

    Don't bitch to your wife about a bad day, ever.  Be in control, be positive, be the rock.  Shit happens - a good Captain takes it and moves on.

    Put back on course via a 'One Hour Call' with Athol.  Seriously worth 10 times the cost, but don't tell him that....

    “Between stimulus and response, there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.” - Victor Frankl 

    Pen_and_Swordffp20
  • Pen_and_SwordPen_and_Sword USASilver Member Posts: 469
    @CartB4Horse Thanks for your help and encouragement. 

    I was just starting to feel a little discouraged, because becoming an awesome captain looks like a long road. But after reading your comment, I realized the progress seems to have slowed because my list of broken things has proliferated. But. As long as I don't IGNORE broken things, I'm not really moving backwards from yellow to red, right? I was emotionally connecting good captaining with getting that list done. This:

     "Shit happens - a good Captain takes it and moves on."

    ...is a truth I really need to remember. As in, it's not necessarily my fault shit happens. But I must own my response. :)

    I like the "Sit there and look pretty" quote. Probably gonna' steal it. And thanks for the good word on your vasectomy. Seems like most of the stories I've heard are chronic pain, etc. I only got up the guts to go for it when I realized I'm already living with minor chronic pains. What's one more? :)

    And for the rest - I got most of it from reading the MAP book, but it's encouraging to hear it from a man who has been walking it out, and in someone else's words. So thanks again, man. Much appreciated.
    "James Bond doesn't have bad days."  - Tennee
    "The goal is to turn women on, NOT sex. If you become good at turning women on, sex can be assumed." - Tanooki
    Triage: http://marriedmansexlife.vanillaforums.com/discussion/13564/so-this-is-me
    M.A.P. - http://marriedmansexlife.vanillaforums.com/discussion/13574/pen-and-swords-map
    CartB4Horse
  • MagnumMagnum A Good PlaceSilver Member Posts: 431
    I had a vasectomy 6ish years ago.  It was no biggie at all.  I day of post surgery discomfort and a bit time of from sex.   That was it. 
    "Stop aspiring to be anyone other than your own best self: for that does fall within your control."
    Pen_and_Sword[Deleted User]maverick
  • UnBetaMeUnBetaMe Through The GatesMember Posts: 1,211
    I've had two vasectomies (Lucky me!) and drove myself home from both. I had some soreness for a couple of days and the scar tissue from my second one is palpable in my scrotum. Other than that, it wasn't nearly as bad as I thought.
    Pen_and_Sword
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