Pen_and_Sword's MAP

CartB4Horse

So, it's Monday.  What three things are you working on that you can complete by the end of the week?  Anything need fixing?

Pen_and_Sword

@CartB4Horse  - absolutely, and thanks for the prompt! If I don't get them posted tonight, it will be tomorrow morning. 

CartB4Horse

I hadn't done it myself, damnit!!

I've got to go get a new dishwasher.  The one we have is messed up and I haven't taken care of it yet. I need a few more items to work on, one of which should be resume work outs.  I've been off that wagon for more than a month.

Pen_and_Sword

Things to fix:

• Home internet connection is wiggy. Been trading emails with support for a week+, so I'm also going to start
• Line up contractor for chimney liner & re-pointing

Tasks:

• Submit child clearances to coach son's soccer team 
• Close out security deposit refund with former tenant
• Get AAA to provide updated membership cards

Leadership opportunities:

• Get info on tutoring for daughter
• Build and execute checklists for camping trip this weekend

...is that a lot? It feels like a lot. Oh well, time to Captain up.

(Your turn, @CartB4Horse )

CartB4Horse

Nice!  I like your list, aggressive and yet still do-able.

Have you read Athol's blog post about "Leadership Moments"?  Look it up on the internet for a quick read.  That one blog and "Cheer the Heroes and Boo the Villains" helped me tremendously.

I'm heading to my own MAP page to get it going again.....

Pen_and_Sword

CartB4Horse said:

Nice!  I like your list, aggressive and yet still do-able.

Have you read Athol's blog post about "Leadership Moments"?  Look it up on the internet for a quick read.  That one blog and "Cheer the Heroes and Boo the Villains" helped me tremendously.

I'm heading to my own MAP page to get it going again.....

I'm glad you thought it looked aggressive. I almost pulled it off, too. Details soon.

I have read that post twice, need to read it again. My biggest challenge at the momnt is that I naturally tend to be happy floating along and improvising/being spontaneous/dealing with things as thay come up. 

My wife does not. She's a chronic planner-aheader.

Creating default choices, etc means gettin out ahead of her, which doesn't come naturally. But, I'm realizing that I'm never going to kick ass in life if I don't do more planning and executing anyway, so it's a good thing. 

Time  for a MAP asessment next couple days

Pen_and_Sword

WEEKLY SIT REP

Health & Physicality

• Mostly green, just keep moving
• Yellow: Get Vasectomy - pre-op appointment scheduled for next week, procedure scheduled for three weeks later.
• Exercise (green): No longer slacking off, but I feel the need to set a series of goals, with small rewards that reinforce movement further into the MAP. I'm not sure they progress correctly, but here goes:

Goal 1: Pass push-up & pull-up WWII Army Fitness test
Reward: case of beer
Goal 2: Maintain G1 + pass sit-ups & squat jumps WWII Army Fitness test
Reward: Shop for thrift-store navy jacket
Goal 3: get weight up to 175 lbs 
Reward: buy new fitted/tailored dress shirt
Goal 4: double WWII Army fitness push-ups & pull-ups
Reward: Water bottle or similar luxury item from personal wish-list
Goal 5: G1 + G2 + run 3.5 miles 3X / week
Reward: buy 3 new fitted/tailored dress shirt

Money & Materials

• Stop Ignoring Broken Things: Yellow, but progressing. Last weeks' monkeys all got pushed, but need to hear back from contractor.
• Keep A Budget: Yellow, but we're both working on it. Just a matter of tuning the machine.
• Use It Or Lose It: Yellow, haven't started any of the big projects because broken stuff takes priority
• Have Emergency Money: Green, This has been a great energy savor over the last month
• Invest In Beautiful, Quality Things: Green, this week I'm pre-ordering a music CD I know we all will love. It feels like a luxury, but it's really a quality-of-life purchase. This is the place NOT to be cheap.

Displaying High Value

• Lead Somewhere: Yellow, moving this to the top of my Yellows. It seems that pushing hard on this boulder moves most of the others, like Stop DLV (whining, etc) and Maintain Your Own Frame, because if I made a good effort to lead, I feel more secure. 
• Dress Well: Yellow, I'm working on editing my wardrobe, and making an effort to wear the nicer things. 
• Stop Orbiting / Stop Emotional Tunnel Vision: Yellow/green. I still orbit now and then, but I mostly have to remind myself to slow down and give my wife attention beyond a few minutes at a time. I guess I discovered there are a lot of dopamine sources besides her. I'm surprised how much my needy feelings have dropped - I need to get back in touch with wanting her because I want (not need) to. 
• Be Playfully Dominant / Be Cool / Be more masculine: All yellow, and all a mystery to me. Maybe once I get further into my MAP I'll feel more able to figure these out?

Pen_and_Sword

Here's an example of why the MAP approach to life/husbandry is helpful, with extensive back-story:

My wife and I are both book/music/beauty lovers.

I'm about as talented as the average person who writes for a living (although I don't do it full time), and of average skill for a small-town coffee-shop musician.

A more off-beat art form that I've always been drawn to is hospitality; meaning: Make a restful, creative space where people come, enjoy themselves, and leave refreshed. For example, I host a "Pub Night" at our house every month and a half or so - it's part open mic, part jam session, lots of craft beer and snacks, and I encourage people of different skill levels to mix and learn from each other.

My wife shares this hospitality-as-art bent, and throws regular tea-parties, sewing nights, actual garden parties, and so on. The old-fashioned feel is just part of the fun for her and our daughters. She's also a talented musician, a competent photographer, and a freaking brilliant garden designer. Not only is she building us an amazing, authentic British pleasure garden, but she has designed beautiful outdoor spaces for several families, while being a SAHM and home-schooling (her degree is in education).

Getting closer to the point...

I've always had a vague sense of SR in terms of "relative awesomeness." And I always knew my wife had a lot of potential - I can see her potential much more clearly than mine. Now I struggle with comparing myself to her. I can't execute the hospitality-art very well without her, even though it's my favorite.  And while I'm not bad at the things I love, I'm hardly a special snowflake. The US is full of part-time writers and musicians. Meanwhile, the US is NOT full of people who can take a bare patch of "back yard" and make a beautiful, peaceful oasis of green and color. Maybe she wouldn't be in England, but here, my wife is a talented unicorn.

So how do I deal with the feeling that I'm never going to be as awesome as her? 

Looking backwards, it just takes a perspective shift,and I've worked hard to remember that, yes, she's making our home (and others) amazing, but she couldn't do it if I hadn't been her financial patron and emotional support. She's Bono & The Edge rolled into one, but I'm her Adam Clayton and Larry Mullen Jr., and there's no U2 without them.

But looking forward, as her recognition and opportunities are growing - how do I keep up? Pre-MAP, I had no idea. I just tried to stay positive. But the organization of the MAP helped me to see that this growth on her part is taking place in the DHV category. I'm not as talented as she is, but using Athol's framework helped me realize that under DHV, I have opportunities in the Lead Somewhere section.

So, hospitality is one of our things? Short term DHV: I gave her a list of three couples I'd like to have over for dinner this summer. We'll work as a team to make it happen. And suddenly, I feel like I'm back in the game. 

Thanks, Athol.

Pen_and_Sword

Thanks to @Husband3point0's comment on the new "initations" thread, I'm adding "Stop risk-avoidance maneuvers" to my "Stop DLV" list:

• Stop whining.
• Stop complaining.
• Stop crying about your owie.
• Stop blaming [anyone] else for your situation.
• Stop asking for permission.
• No self-deprecation.
• Stop risk-avoidance maneuvers 

I also sent a text to my wife, subtly reversing a risk-avoidance comment I made two days ago, about an opportunity she has. I knew at the time it was a -1, but wasn't sure why or how to fix. This was the nudge I needed to act on it.

This forum is great.

Pen_and_Sword

Thanks, @livefreeordie. You're absolutely right. Sometimes the language of trumping SR in order to push relationship improvements sounds like competition, but it shouldn't really be.

As you said, my emotional response betrays my lack of imagination (not seeing where I can add value to our life together), and my lack of appreciation for what I already do (generate income and ideas).

As I think about initiating more, I become more convinced that I need to MAP until I have an honest appreciation of what I bring to life. I need authentic confidence in order to relate better, and being unhappy with myself now doesn't mean I'm stuck forever.

CartB4Horse

I was going to say something similar to livefreeordie.

Our SR's are determined by different things than our wive's.  Financial security, musculature, leadership and confidence go into how attractive we are.

Make you a better you and your SR goes up.

Pen_and_Sword

@CartB4Horse, I like the succinct accuracy of your list: Financial security, musculature, leadership, and confidence. 

Pen_and_Sword

General Progress Update:

I didn't posted my monkeys this week, but I've maintained a list of at least five, so I'm keeping momentum as an entropy-killing Captain of a man. 

I'm turning Maintain Your Own Frame, and Stop Displaying DLV (esp risk-avoiding maneuvers) from red to yellow, because I'm almost always conscious of them now, if only after the fact.

That clears all my Reds, and leaves me with enough yellow to last at LEAST a month for every year of marriage. So I don't have to worry about running out of MAP. 

I feel like my wife's overall attraction for me has clicked up a couple notches. I'm dressing better,behaving better, looking better, and handling money and materials better. Of course, that's progress measured in steps, and my goal is orbit. But it's helping. She's showing signs of remembering she felt lucky to have me.

I initiated and pushed through a yellow, despite her attempt to abort mission. Pretty sure that was a first ever, and my frame was unbelievably (to me) playful, dominant, and OI.

I've been thinking about how confidence seems to inspire good frame and healthy relating, and insecurity causes loss of frame and my usual smorgasbord of DLV. I've been trying to find aids to imagining how I would behave if I had physical, situational, and social confidence.

So far, I have these notes under Physicality and Health:

Physical Confidence, n:
1. The assurance that my body is a tool I can rely on and approve of
2. Confidence for working, fighting, and making love

---

Confidence in my body as a tool (Physical confidence) helps create Situational and Social confidence, allowing me to stay focused, calm, and dominant-yet-kind under stress.

Great Moments of Physical Confidence in Movies 
- "Transporter" Frank: https://youtu.be/9WUaDcmfgQc
- "Jack Reacher": https://youtu.be/hu1MtT_S3bc
- "Expendables" Lee Christmas: https://youtu.be/7VKAggGisCc

Physicality and Health Progress:

• Exercise is going well. I'm up to 100 pushups, 20x5, and 24 pull-ups, 6x4, on alternate days. I have more mass than I ever have, and at least some of it is noticeably muscle. I'm still skinny, but my wife keeps absently touching my chest every now and then, so I like it.
• I had my vasectomy pre-op appointment this week, and it was mostly bad news. First, my vas deferens are unusually short, so I have to undergo general anesthesia, because the procedure is likely to take "a long time" and involve "a lot of tugging."  Second, I missed my goal of getting things done before I'm supposed to coach soccer, so now I'll have to push it back until early winter. This really rocked me for a few hours, and I'm still disappointed. But I kept telling myself that you all would say things are supposed to be hard - that's what makes a Captain awesome. I'm mostly fine now, though still disappointed.
• I've settled - and even mentioned to my wife - that once I clear an as-yet-undetermined Money & Materials goal, I'm going to sign up for some kind of fighting classes. I wanted either old-school American boxing, or a Krav Maga/MMA, but there aren't any gyms close enough. But, I'm told there is a kickboxing gym not far away, and that would be much more my style than the karate-type stuff in town. It's important to me that I learn to take punches as well as deal out "touches."

TL;DR - This week has been a bit of an emotional ride, but I think I'm making progress, and I feel more confident in my mental foundation for Captain-hood.

CartB4Horse

Keep it up brother, keep it up.

And remember, the goal is to improve yourself, to make the best YOU out of YOU that you can.

Pen_and_Sword

@CartB4Horse, just want to say thank you for taking an interest in me, for following along on my MAP. I appreciate that you've been in a similar spot, and your taking time to give me a boost. I'm working my way through your MAP thread now. Seems like you've had a lot of success! 

And to everyone who's stopped to comment, or to leave "insightful" or "agree" flags - thank you. It helps to be confirmed that my ideas are more than a hamster spinning in an echo chamber. 

Pen_and_Sword

Note to Self on MAP Goals:

Wife's medications contribute to her weight gain and lack of drive. But MAP + Game can affect her drive, so it's not impossible to counter-act the meds.

Our meals are well-balanced, low fat, and low sugar. But we always have ice cream, cookies, chocolate, or similar on-hand. I don't eat them all that often, and it doesn't seem to affect me anyway. (I know, everyone hates me for that...). My wife, on the other hand?

Once I have my weight up above my goal and am ready to cut, and my MAP is in a good place, I plan to banish all sweets from the house for long enough to see how it affects us. 

With my metabolism, I'm sure it will help me to post-bulk cut. I'll bet it will help her a lot too. Seems like the only missing piece for someone who eats healthy meals and exercises 3X a week.

Pen_and_Sword

This Week's Monkeys:

1. Confirm contract for installation of chimney liner
2. Email guys about movie night in 2wks
3. Discuss with with Wife about best time for re-scheduled Vasectomy (suggest dates, setting default course of action)
4. Take family on walk after dinner
5. Mow lawns
6. Write Dad's birthday letter
7. Plan mom's birthday gift
8. Call about art & music tutoring
9. Contribute to "Shit I Say" collection
10. Buy stakes for blackberry patch

CartB4Horse

@Pen_and_Sword -- The list above ^^^ isn't three monkeys, it's a to-do list.  While a to-do list is recommended you also want to be working on something towards making yourself more awesome.

One step in making myself better was to write up what I wanted to accomplish and then getting it done.  Huge step up from a "honey-do list".

Pen_and_Sword

@CartB4Horse - Interesting. I'm not clear on the difference between things I "want to accomplish" and the items on a to-do list.

Regarding making myself more awesome - is it something like the (rather arbitrary) difference between business goals and objectives? Like, "Make X$$ in new business this year" is a big picture goal, and "Call X of prospects" is an objective, for immediate execution?

Here's another try:

1. Keep up with physicality and health plan
2. Execute tasks for Demonstrating Leadership
3. Work on playful/confident speech habits

Is there an article about this on the MMSL blog?

Thanks!!

CartB4Horse

@Pen_and_Sword -- I may be off base on this but I thought your first list looked more like a To-Do List than anything else.  Don't get me wrong, that is still VERY important to do, especially if you've been in a place where your wife would ask you to do x,y and z.

I like what you wrote above.  I'm a "head dweller" so much of my MAP included things like "Maintain my Frame - Don't let emotional when wifey goes there" or "Initiate x2 with a back up plan".

You got this.  I'm just interjecting a little of my own opinion here.  

ETA: Take a look at ToBeTonyStarks MAP page, he lays out some nice monkeys.  Also, have you read Athol's blog on "Leadership Moments"?  HUGE help for me.