Things are bad, need some advice...

bstrng

Folks, I can’t tell you enough how excited I am that I found this site. My story is by no means any more ‘special’ than the others, but I’m hoping that some of you will still find some time to chime in and offer your input. I am absolutely open to all of your feedback, and more than appreciate it. I’ve been resisting the urge to post before finishing The MAP, but things have gotten so bad that I didn’t want to delay any further. I should be able to finish the book in the next few days.

The basics:

I am 32, she is four years younger; married in 2012. One child, age 2. I am 6'1" 215, she is 5'5" 122.

Question 1 - Rule out medical

I'm healthy, no history of any medical conditions. She also does not have any medical issues although is extremely hormonal and emotional around her period. Extremely difficult pregnancy, emotionally; very frequent fits of hysterical crying, door slamming, wailing, etc. It was very very difficult for me, as I was genuinely concerned for the development of our child. Fortunately he was born perfectly healthy. Her hysterics followed even after the child was born. Finally I was able to get to stop storming away and slamming doors, and hysterically crying. Or maybe she got tired of her own behavior. I did give her several ultimatums to cut out these tantrums or else. In terms of physical 'shape', I lifted a lot of heavy iron in college and while this is still very much a part of my life, I'm notorious for skipping workouts when we fight or when I'm stressed out. I'm naturally a bigger guy, have a lot of muscle, and am strong by strength training standards. She has always been in great shape, runs a lot and has a great figure with great muscle and curves in all the right places- really the ideal body for me and I am incredibly attracted to her.

Question 2- Rule out structural attraction issues

Money: She's in healthcare and earns a decent salary; her field has excellent job security but very limited pay growth. This doesn’t bother me, as long as she is happy. I do very well in a lucrative field and have advanced rapidly (my peers are 5-10yrs older). I started on a technical track and have advanced into management, am well respected at the office and the opportunities seem to be there for my taking. I've worked ever since I was legally able to, bought a house when I was 27 on my own, and have a graduate degree in a technical field. We do well financially, but truth be told are big spenders. Some revolving credit card debt and a few loans remain. Nothing prohibitive to our goals but we can do better to cut down expenses. I have excellent credit, and run the finances. Her credit was great, but she missed a payment on an account that she was managing. We like short, expensive vacations, nice clothes, and fancy dinners. Nothing obscene, but more restraint would help.

Attractiveness/personality: I’ve always done well with the opposite sex, and had about 3 dozen partners by the time we got married. I have never cheated on my wife. I am good looking, funny, flirty, and engaging with women. I lived with several girlfriends prior to marriage. I’ve always loved the attention and have had an incredibly high sex drive for as long as I can remember. Wife is cute and has a great body. She is un-engaging at first encounter, to the point where you can’t tell whether she is disinterested or uncomfortable/shy. She had 5 or 6 partners prior to our marriage, although I never asked for the exact number. She has never cheated on me.

Bad habits: I have an ugly, nasty habit that I am not proud of: smoking. I’ve had an on-again off-again love affair with cigarettes since I was teenager, and have both smoked full-time for years and gone completely cold-turkey for even longer, in cycles. I’ve all but eliminated all the common triggers from driving me to smoke except for two- (1) when out with company (albeit every time), and (2) when we are fighting. This is the kicker. Our incessant fighting almost always results in two things- less gym and more smoking.

bstrng

Question 3- Rule Out Critical Moments

Oh boy. We’ve had so many ugly, emotional fights over the years that this section could probably become a book. The fighting began very early, and it seems that she very early understood how to stick the dagger where it hurts. The worst ones that sick out include:

·       **When she called me cheap and questioned by chivalry/manhood when I asked her pay a few dollars for herself for an impromptu outing. It was literally a few dollars, and this was the better alternative to driving to the ATM and being late as our friends waited. I’ve never been called cheap in my life. Ruined my entire evening, didn’t talk to her all night. She seemed to be fine all night and had no interest in apologizing.

·       **One of the many, many hysterical episodes she had when she was preggo stand out in my mind. She was 6mo when we went on a babymoon. We had a very minor disagreement about something, can’t even remember what and by the time we made our way to the beach we were a bit sour with each other. I fell asleep, and when I woke up she was gone. Mind you, my wife was 6mo and very visibly pregnant and while we are on a resort, this is a third world country. Finally she strolled back, and I asked her sternly but with a lowered voice where she went and how long she was gone for. She responded that she went for a walk, because she felt like it, and didn’t know how much time passed. I was furious that she did this, when she could have simply woke me up and I would gladly accompany her. I told her to never do that again, it’s dangerous and she needs to be mindful that she and I need to think about the baby. She responded, “well you’re not my father, and have no right to tell me where and when to walk”. Completely missed the point about how concerned I was for her safety. Of course, I was equally offended and shocked (I’m her husband, and at this stage in our lives she and I have more authority over each other than our mother/father!). Things snowballed to the point where she completely lost control by the time we went back to the room, literally kicking, screaming, banging her head on the wall as she sat on the bathroom floor (yes, just like that). At that point, I was concerned for the safety of our unborn child and completely backed away from any fighting but her hysterics continued. It was during this episode that she said some of the more heinous things I’ve ever heard from her or any women- that she wished she had an abortion, that she didn’t want children with me, and that all the stress I’m causing her would result in a sick child that I would need to care for and take to the hospital (so hurtful). Some context to add to the whole idea that she knows where it hurts- with all the girlfriends and flings I’ve had over the years (before marriage), I always wanted a family. I adore children. Our wedding day was one of the proudest moments of my life and I couldn’t wait to have children and dive all-in into family life. She’s always known this about me. That night was so difficult that I literally teared up as she was saying all of this. Mostly because I was so worried she would lose our baby, but also because her words were so damn hurtful.

·      **She’s long wanted to travel to Europe and would constantly drop not-so-subtle hints in front of me, family, and friends. One time we were in the car and she brought it up again. I very calmly told her that when the time is right, for our finances, for the arrangement of our child’s day care while we are away, and for our jobs- we would go. But not before then, and asked to her to please stop pouting each and every time and constantly bringing it up. Mind you, even she agreed that at that time, we were no earlier than 1-1.5 years from going for the same aforementioned reasons. Her response? “If you don’t want to take me, I will our child and we will go alone” in the most rebellious, defiant tone imaginable. I was absolutely infuriated and explained to her how inappropriate it is for her to think that and say that, that we operate as a single unit on something like this and go when we are ready. To this day, she’s never apologized.

·        This one isn’t a single moment, but is recurrent and I think very well demonstrates our biggest issue- her lack of respect for me. We could have a major fight one day, not speak or lock eyes for hours, and yet she has absolutely no problem bringing up something completely insignificant. Examples include, again after fighting if I do a sink full dishes and leave ONE single glass on the countertop (I had no idea that she’s done drinking from the glass), she will jump on me and call me half-ass, spoiled, mama’s boy. Again, mind you we are already in a fight. Most likely one that she initiated/escalated. Absolutely no respect for an already bad situation and trying not to escalate things further. This happens all the time.

bstrng

Question 3- Rule Out Critical Moments (cont'd)

·       **She’s embarrassed me in front of friends/family multiple times. On valentine’s day a few years ago, she went to pick up a family member from the airport. While she was gone, I put our son to bed and got to work on her gift. I made a huge collage for her of pics through her pregnancy and our son’s first year. Glued it all together on an oversized card. It was awesome, and truly a labor of love. So many amazing memories. Anyway, I put the card on the dining table together with the rest of her gift (overpriced designer sweater) and anxiously waited for her to return. When she walked in I met her aunt for the FIRST TIME (keep this in mind), grabbed the bags, etc. Her grandmother had been sick at the time and that was the reason for her aunt coming to us. A comment came up about how grandma was doing, and that it’s tough when she’s sick, etc… and then I made a completely innocent comment about how I hope she stops ripping the IV line from her arm. Completely innocent, no malice, no tone, no hidden message… I wish our nanny cam reached far enough to see her reaction. She berated me in front of her aunt (again, greeting her in my home for the first time) and made me feel about a centimeter tall. I was shocked and hurt. All those hours staying up making that card for her, and now this, in front of family I’d never met before. Again, never apologized. This whole disregard for how she behaves in public after a fight is the reason why now I refuse to join her in outings when we had a recent fight. One great example is when we had a fight, and several days later we had a pre-planned play date. On the day of the play-date, I approached her and told her to that I would join her on one condition- that she act respectfully toward me and watch her tone when we are out with our friends. Her response? Basically told me to piss off and that I should watch MY tone. I told her that clearly she has no regard for being civil in public and told her I wouldn’t be joining her. She kept the plans, took our child, hung up on my multiple times when I tried to find out how he was doing (it was very hot that day and this was an outdoor activity in a very public place), when she wasn’t ignoring my texts to find out how he was doing (“if I was so concerned about him, I shouldn’t have let her go alone”), berated me for being selfish and childish and allowing my ego to keep me away from family activities. She ended up bringing our child home almost 2 hours past his evening bedtime with absolutely no notification or agreement from me. When she came home, I bathed and dressed him and very forcefully told her that she has no right to take our son hostage and bring him home whenever she wants. The next day she told me that I was so concerned only because I had plans to go out that night. Disgusting.

·        This one she probably considers a critical moment. We had gone through a rough few weeks of fighting and finally made somewhat nice. The plan was to meet her at a restaurant for a birthday party for her family member. She was traveling from a hair salon, and I was coming from home. I packed up our son, dressed him, and made my way to the restaurant. When I arrived, I pulled up the restaurant and her mother, who was already there, jumped out to greet me and my son. She took my son into the restaurant with her. It was at that point, that I completely forgot that wife asked me to wait for her to go inside. How ridiculous when family is already waiting inside and her mother came outside to grab the kid. What was I to do- tell her mother to leave him in the car seat, go back inside, and wait for us in there, because wife wanted to do a cute entrance together? Anyway, I pull into a spot and she calls me, telling me shes pulling up. I tell her babe, your mom grabbed our son so just let me know when you park and you and I will walk in together. She was furious that I didn’t follow her instructions. Pulled in, got out, and blew up on me telling me I ruined everything, that she was planning on walking in together. Continued and continued reprimanding me, and in the end I finally lost my cool, stormed into the restaurant with her beside me and made it blatantly obvious to everyone that we were fighting. It’s not that I wanted to make it public, it’s that I was just so sick of dealing with her and internalizing everything and some part of me wanted her own mother to see how much of an uncontrollable, volatile brat she was with her own eyes. I looked her mother in the eyes and told her, vocally, within ear shot of everyone- “now you see what all I have to deal with- who can deal with this nonsense?” Wife immediately started crying and ran to the bathroom. I went outside to get some air. Look, I’m not proud of how I reacted, and I regret that we aired this in public, but I was so sick and tired of her incessant fighting over things so insignificant, and further, her inability to restrain herself when I make it clear to her that I don’t want to fight. Not to mention that we had just gotten over 2 weeks of nonstop fighting which was still very fresh.

·      **When we were engaged, she decided to tell me one day that she didn’t like how I professed my love to her. Let me paint you guys a picture- we had been dating a few months and I was sent on a business trip to Europe. She joined me on the weekend and we had a great time. With the occasional fighting, of course. I told her that I was falling in love with her on a dance floor somewhere in London, to cap off a great weekend together. Many months later when we were engaged, she decided to tell me that she didn’t like the wording, and that instead of “in love”, I should have said that I simply “loved her”. To this day, I don’t see how her version is more romantic than mine, but more importantly, what kind of person would take a moment like that, dissect it, and throw it in my face months later when we are engaged? I didn’t know whether to be angry or hurt, but probably felt more the latter.

bstrng

Question 3- Rule Out Critical Moments (cont'd)

·        I’m a very hands-on father, been this way since my son was born. I’ve done everything from day 1, not just “helping” (I hate this concept, I’m not “helping”, I’m participating in my child’s life). We alternated waking up with him from day 1, I’ve stayed entire weekends with him ever since he was months old (wife worked weekends for a period of time). I’ve never been overwhelmed or shirked my responsibility as a father. I’ve even ran home from rare, pre-arranged obligations just because she was overwhelmed and needed my help. I’m not saying this to pound my chest, but to illustrate how ungrateful/unappreciative she can be. When our child was younger, we would make soup from scratch and mash it up. I had no problem following simple recipes that she would leave me. Mind you, I don’t normally cook. In fact, I can’t make anything other than the very basics, unless it’s on a grill. Just not my comfort zone. For my son, I was totally willing to make his soups granted that the recipes weren’t too elaborate nor would they take too long. One day, we came home from the park and I noticed a note on the counter outlining a 2 hour soup recipe. I couldn’t believe she did this. Knowing that I don’t cook, knowing that I’m already willing to make the simple stuff, and knowing that I already do EVERYTHING ELSE with him, how dare she so arrogantly expect more. When we spoke on the phone, she berated me for not being to handle the recipe and for calling her at work when she is so busy. This was a huge fight for us, and I refused to budge. Following this, eventually she took on the cooking responsibilities. But again, this was only after an awful fight and absolutely no acknowledgement on her part about how wrong she was. Zero. I think she eventually came around because her mother urged her to assume all the cooking responsibilities.

·      **This is the most recent episode, and could be the one that broke the proverbial camel’s back. Illustrates that this women has no loyalty for me, and never has my back. We have a neighbor who has a conviction for sex acts in front of a minor/soliciting sex from a minor. Has three teenage kids of his own, keeps a very low profile because he knows we all know. No one speaks to him, and he mostly scurries away when other neighbors are outside. When I was leaving for work one morning, our kid’s sitter asked me if the neighbor across the way (pedophile) is new or the one I had told her about to stay away from. I had a pit in my stomach as soon as asked me this. I told her it was the same neighbor and to please tell me what happened. Turns out this POS walked up to the sitter and my son , said hello, asked him how he was. My kid is old enough now to respond “Good” and everyone giggled. At this point, as she’s telling me this I’m furious but remind her calmly to stay away from him and not even say hello. I run off to work and am basically seething all day. It just so happened that evening that my wife took my son to the mall, and I was able to leave the office at a decent hour. When I pull up, I see that pedo is home. I park, go change, and approach his door. The plan was simple, I would remind this scumbag to stay away from my family and restrain myself from knocking his teeth out. When he got to the door, I asked him to come outside to have a word. Remember, I’ve not had any interaction with this guy since he was convicted (about 1.5 years ago, he had already been living there for many years). Long story short, I reminded him several times to stay away from my family and look the other way when he sees us. For good measure, I grabbed him, slammed him against the porch wall and threw him to the ground. I’ve worked with a lot of law enforcement in a past life and know what I could and couldn’t do; I didn’t strike him. That was it; I walked home and resumed my evening. He collected himself off the ground and also went into his house. I knew he was going to call the cops, but also knew that they wouldn’t do a thing to me. Fast forward 5 hours, child is sleeping, wife getting ready for bed, I’m watching the NBA finals.  Cops knock, I explain the situation put my hand on their shoulder and ask if they had kids, they nod yes, we had a mutual understanding and that was it. We told each other to have a good night, they reminded me that I can’t touch him and I went back inside. If I only knew what awaited me! Wife is in the living room, furious. Begins to reprimand me on the grounds that I had no right to touch him, that his act was committed against a girl, not a boy, and that they could have hauled me away and she would need to bail me out. I reminded her of a number of points, none of which she was willing to accept- 1. That I do not care what his flavor was at the time he was caught. A pedophile is a pedophile in my book and I am not his therapist to discern the different types. My son’s safety comes first, above all, even the law. 2. that I am and always will be the protector of this family and this home. Certain situations, this one being a prime example did not warrant having to ask her for her permission to act. There are plenty of other decisions where we play the ‘mother may I’ game and this would not be one of them. 3. How dare she reprimand me on something like this when I act in good faith on behalf of my family? I did what any father would do in my situation, and told her I would do the same thing over again even knowing cops came. 4. As stated earlier, I am experienced enough to know what I can and cannot do. I restrained myself from hitting him. Although I would have loved to give him a few open hand slaps. Such a cretin doesn’t even deserve to be hit like a man. Anyway. This was the last fight, and probably our worst. Given the circumstances, given my son’s safety, given how he reprimanded me like a child, I’ve completely checked out. At this point, we are going several days of not wearing either of our wedding bands or speaking to each other on topics unrelated to our son.

bstrng

Question 4:  Rule out outside sexual sources

I understand that one can never be absolutely sure, but as far as I know/suspect She has been faithful to me. I havery been faithful too. I don’t have any doubts here. I can’t really suspect anything.

Question 5: When did the sex go bad? and 

Question 6: What was the sex like at the start of the relationship?

To reiterate, I have an extremely high sex drive. I was used to wild, marathon sex in some of my past relationships, and to a large extend getting what I wanted in bed. On the flipside, I’ve always received good feedback- this has always been very important to me (I do not consider myself a selfish lover). This is especially true with my relationship immediately prior to wife. Wow, tantric, wild, amazing sex. I had full control, when, where, HOW, and how much. She loved it, I loved it. Enter wife. Madly attracted to her, but noticed she wasn’t much of an experimenter early on. We had frequent sex, and it was good, but nothing mind blowing. Had sex through pregnancy, which I actually enjoyed very much. After baby came, lots of head, handjobs, drop in sex frequency. I don’t remember when it started exactly but I think it was early- she began complaining a lot. Not too deep, no anal, shes too tired for other positions, don’t eat too long- I don’t like it, don’t wet too much- I don’t like it, etc etc. Constant direction, nagging complaints, and zero experimentation. I’d actually come to grips with it if she was willing to maintain the frequency. But when we fight, unless she feels really guilty and wants to treat me with rough makeup sex (this has happened twice), we have absolutely no sex when we fight. We fight all the time, so do the math. We don’t have a single week where we don’t fight about something. It’s impossible to resolve conflict with her because she is so disrespectful, bratty, stubborn, and emotionally out of control, so our fights linger for days. We went from sex every day to several times a week to 1-2x/week. I think we’ve gone as much as 10 days without sex. For someone like me, this is maddening and I’ve made the mistake of raising this issue with her multiple times. It’s been very difficult to put up with the nonstop ‘a little to the left’, ‘not too much tongue’, ‘why don’t you be more romantic’ directives and on a few occasions I’ve given up, gotten dressed and left the room before we even finished foreplay. She seems to have no issue with that, and doesn’t cut back on the complaining.   

Question 7- what’s the elephant in the room?

All the problems we are having have forced me to reflect on what I could have done differently while we were still dating. In hindsight, there were a ton of warning signs. We had bad fights, a growing list of conflicts where I was unable to steer things to a resolution because of either hysertics or her just not seeing things the logical way, irrespective of how many times I sent her paragraphs upon paragraphs of texts or emails to explain my position (very seldom have I said, this is my way and I will not explain myself, and especially not early on), to which she often time had no response (I suspect she didn’t give it much thought). So the elephant to me really, is where I fucked up in all this. I don’t feel that I deserve it, but I can’t help but wonder if I did myself a disservice by not being even more alpha with her early on. For example, one fight very early on where she claimed to me that things are bad and she already began apartment searching with a friend (this was when we had just been dating a few months) and instead of calling her bluff or even letting her go, I ‘rewarded’ her by driving to her to talk things out and telling her that while I will not be pressured into a commitment, I do see good things on our horizon and that she should reconsider.

Question 8: Who is the leader in your marriage?

I’ve always been the alpha male in my adult life. I’ve always been a go-getter in both career and relationships. When I met wife, she told me that I was the first guy she met who she couldn't find fault with, owing in large part to my alpha and leadership qualities. Boy have things changed (or maybe she never meant it?!). She loves to remind me how aggressive and pushy I can be but if you look at our life at this moment, very few things are my decision: where and when we send child to day care, where to buy our next home, the type of home (I’m suburbs, would love a significant upgrade in size, she wants small without a yard), where we vacation (I used to plan/surprise our trips, this has been impossible and I’ve just relinquished all control in this area), when and who we have over (my family is very close-knit and used to regular get-togethers without special occasion, she says it’s too difficult to have people over, and to this date we’ve hosted maybe 4 events for family at our home, in almost 4 years together), when to have our next child (good that we’ve waited), how many children. I still control the finances.

Question 9: Tell us about the good times

Without question, the single best thing about our relationship is our 2 year old. I’m so madly in love with this boy that the thought of this marriage dissolving and the separation his psyche/development, me not seeing him every day, and him potentially being raised by some step-father gives me heart ache. Up until the last series of fights (culminating in us removing our rings), I really thought I need to tough it out, for his sake. I now understand that doing so is actually harmful to him but the thought still pains me. He is the reason for all my remaining happiness in an otherwise awful situation and I simply can’t get enough of him. Even in my promiscuous days, long before marriage was even a thought, I always dreamed of having 3-4 kids. He seems to have taken the best from each of us, both physically and in personality. Just a precious, precious child that deserves better than the what our relationship has become.

bstrng

There's a lot more here, but I think it's plenty for now. Happy to answer questions.

Husband3point0

Your triage is very good btw. I just have one question -- tell us more about her family of origin. What are her parents and siblings like, and how do they interact with one another?  Paint us a picture about perhaps the source if some of this BSC behavior you're describing here...

bstrng

She was raised by a single mother. She and her father never had a healthy marriage. By the time she was 12, they lived in opposite ends of the state. She has fond memories of her father but she absolutely did not have a wholesome family growing up. No siblings. Partly because her mother had a very difficult pregnancy with her and party because mother and father were never good together. She claims her father cheated on her mother, and her mother claims he was verbally abusive to her. I take both accusations with a grain of salt. Her father passed 5 years before we met.

I grew up in a very loving home. I did witness fights, but I always felt a mutual respect from my parents. And boundless love ad selflessness toward the kids (sister and I). Not a perfect family, but fiercely loyal and loving.

I'm glad you asked that question. I don't think she had ever seen proper husband-wife interaction growing up. I also have some resentment toward her mother because she should realize all of this. She is very close to W, but they too have very bad fights. Wifes relationship with her mom is equal parts needing (maybe stems from loss off dad) and respecting, and maybe fearing too. Resentment toward MIL because she knows how difficult W is, and is completely unwilling to reign her in, despite having admitted to me that 90% of our fights are her fualt. It's like she didn't create an environment where W could witness and learn from a healthy home and now I am responsible for dealing with the aftereffects.

W would always tell me that she expects me to cheat but she just never wants to know. Hardly a healthy thing to say in a young marriage. 

Husband3point0

So, she never witnessed healthy fighting between her parents, and she had no siblings to learn that from either. 

I'm guessing that there's a lot of codependency going on here between your wife and you MIL too?

bstrng

Correct. She was never around a healthy mom-dad relationship, and no siblings.

Yes, MIL needs/guilts W, and W needs MIL (I don't see W guilting MIL).

It's actually become quite sad. I've always been what I call a "compassionate alpha" where I would spend endless time and energy explain to her where I'm coming from. But she accuses me of trying to rule with an iron fist and trying to instill 1940s family values. It's nonsense. I also want to add that she's very beta with her friends and at work. And really gets in only my face and I've actually seen her get disrespectful and rude with my mother lately too. She'll even tell you she's not alpha and never wants to be. But her behavior with me is opposite.

frillyfun

Has she gotten any help for her outbursts?  It almost sounds like she has some underlying issue that was exaserbated by the pregnancy and post partum hormones.  Those outbursts then caused a downward spiral.

I think she needs to get some heavy duty help to quell her BSC, or adjust her hormone levels. The MAP can do a lot, but it can't fix BSC.

Welcome to the forum!

bstrng

Nope. Refuses to think anything is wrong and blames me entirely for her behavior during pregnancy. Says I drove her to that point. 

I forced her to see a therapist about 6mo ago, who couldn't believe what she was hearing but wasn't competent enough to get to the bottom of anything. Complete waste of money and time. 

Husband3point0

You will require her getting therapeutic care to address the root cause. 

You're uphill against psychological medical. Nearly everything you do will be lost in the margins until that blockade is removed. IMHO. 

bstrng

Even at baseline, outside of work, she gets overwhelmed easily with house chores, cooking, etc. She's very good at cooking and tending to the house, and we have a nanny as well as visiting cleaning lady so it's really perplexing why she gets flustered. And of course she says I don't help her with anything etc. Not true. I'm handy, do plenty around the house and always offer to help with everything aside from cooking. Refuses to allow me to do laundry despite me having done my own since age 11, and her ruining multiple articles of clothing.

She is also of the mindset that cooking and tending to the house are much more important responsibilities than keeping her husband happy in bed. I've tried having this conversation with her many times...

Husband3point0

bstrng said:

I forced her to see a therapist about 6mo ago, who couldn't believe what she was hearing but wasn't competent enough to get to the bottom of anything. Complete waste of money and time. 

Shop for a new one. One point doesn't determine a line. 

There are plenty of bad therapists out there. Trust me, I know. But, that doesn't invalidate the process. 

bstrng

To be frank, I am willing to deal with her BSC. I'll support her through meds, docs, etc if that's what she wants to pursue. We can do it together. But I am at the very end of my road with the disrespect. I deserve better.

CartB4Horse

Is your wife from another country (outside the US)?

On the surface it looks like she has some major issues, doesn't respect you at all and has been walking all over you for your entire relationship.  I'm not trying to be mean, just trying to understand what's going on.

Husband3point0

It's all rooted in the same issue -- her inability to engage in healthy conflict. The good news is that once she starts getting help, both of those should resolve themselves. Of course the bad news is that you have to get her to the doctor. And, that can be quite the pickle, I will admit. 

bstrng

You guys are nailing it. I noticed early on that she has no concept of healthy debate/argument. Every disagreement turns into a vicious argument. Her arguments almost always take the extreme position. Her thought process sometimes makes me cringe.

bstrng

The other maddening thing about our relationship is that there was no happy medium. Either we were in "over the top honey bunny pleasantries" mode or BSC/vicious fighting mode. There was no healthy approacj to tackling life together efficiently. I even told her recently to stop with the over top honey baby babble in am effort to get her to understand that none of that is necessary nor sufficient for a healthy marriage. Of couse, she was offended and reminds me of this regularly

Husband3point0

She knows how to process love, but not anger. 

Your entire MAP should be pretty much focused on your frame, because her mental state is going to test the crap out if it.