Benevolent sexism?

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  • SaigoTakamoriSaigoTakamori FLSilver Member Posts: 3,075
    @forestleaf , if you haven't done so already I recommend listening to / buying Part 3 of Athol's video series. All 5 Episodes if poss.

    The female attraction to authentically strong and benevolent male leadership is based on 4 million+ years of primate / hominin evolution. For me at least, this has much more weight than recent academic discussions about definitions of abstract concepts.

    We have actually ordered the series, and it's premature of me to be continuing to bring up my confusion about this issue without fully understanding the way Athol explains it.  @Athol_Kay, as I've said, I do believe that this role is something I can and do fall naturally into, so my struggles likely reflect something I've been taught.  What I DO struggle with is not your explanations (those comfort me); it's a specific application of the C/FO model that certain men on this site seem to adopt.  The bottom line is that there are sexist men (and women) out there, and this site isn't immune to their presence.  Those positive explanations that I hear about how this model works in other people's lives, and which impress me so much, are the ones I should focus on as a model for my own marriage.  I honestly think TW "gets it," although he may struggle a bit occasionally with its application as certainly many probably do, trying to learn how to be a Captain in every situation.  I think I "get it" too, but I just need to relax into it a bit. 

    I love the way you describe your wife and how the C/FO model works for you.  I'm sure you both contribute to each other's happiness equally.  It's a testament to your work.

    So what you are saying is.. It is not really what you say.. it is what you do. And that is what we should pay attention to?

    That is an interesting point to ponder..

    Glad you are finding solace. 

    Sweat More...bitch less
    Fate favors the prepared.
  • forestleafforestleaf At the farmGold Women Posts: 1,703
    @SaigoTakamori, I'm not sure what you are saying here.  Who is the "you" that you refer to?  I think @Angeline has it right in that I am trying to overanalyze what is going on in other people's marriages by reading between the lines in their comments.  What I need to do is watch the videos, decide along with TW what best applies to us, and go from there. 
  • forestleafforestleaf At the farmGold Women Posts: 1,703
    Neither of us have horrible backgrounds.  TW's dad was an engineer who was somewhat cold to his mother, as I understand it, and they did ok, until they divorced when TW was in college.  Apparently his mom never got what she wanted from his dad, and filed for the divorce.  He moved on and married again, and his mom still badmouths his dad and is still single.  She is a kind person, but drives me up the wall.  :)  No abuse or anything horrible though.

    My parents are going to be married forever.  They love each other deeply, and I remember them as extremely affectionate (lovey huggy) as I grew up.  It's funny, because one of TW's complaints about me is that I have not been affectionate enough over the past few years, although I'm different now.  However, you could definitely say my Dad is very Beta.  My Mom commands most situations, and he allows her to do so.  He is super top in his field and very respected by so many people for what he does professionally, but at home he's second in command, and doesn't seem comfortable in that role either. 

    None of this probably reveals anything much about our past.  I may be conflicted about this issue, but I have to admit that one of my characteristics is how much I hate decision-making, so deferring to my H as Captain is a relief in many ways.  Regardless, thank you all for your insight.  Still so much work to do.
    AngelineBourneAgainshibariMrsJon
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