Magnum's MAP

Magnum

So, yesterday was a big win because of the large deal that closed.  It went flawlessly.  

Today, by coincidence, I listened to an interview with Ryan HOliday on his new book "Ego is the Enemy."   Holiday's last book "The Obstacle is the Way" is an excellent modern take on stoicism that I really liked and have read a couple of times.  Anyway, his discussion of the importance of setting aside ego in favor of having purpose was really timely.  I need to add reading or listening to that book to my monkey list.  

Magnum

I've been meaning to post my T results with reference ranges for a while.  

Here they are.  Everything seems to be within the normal range, but I'm not sure how to interpret the results.

Component	Your Value	Standard Range	Flag
TESTOSTERONE	739 ng/dL	241 - 827 ng/dL
TESTOSTERONE, FREE	12.79 ng/dL	3.00 - 29.00 ng/dL
TESTOSTERONE, % FREE	1.73 %	1.3 - 3.5 %
SEX HORMONE BINDING GLOBULIN	49.5 nmol/L	10 - 57 nmol/L

Magnum

MAP update:

1.  After a week eating and drinking through London with no exercise other than walking, I can actually feel the weight gain.  So, I'm recommitting myself to my diet and exercise regime.  I will hit the gym 4 days this week (yesterday was recovery from travel); stick to my (mostly) primal diet; and drink no alcohol until Friday. 

Done.  And, I'm going to keep this up.  I've installed Productive on my phone and created a "No Drinking Habit" for Sun - Fri; Workout Mon-Fri; and some other habits I want to encourage regularly.

2.  During the UK trip, our YNAB budgeting went out the window.  I'll update our spending and budget.  The one good outcome of Brexit is that the pound's crash may have saved us some $$. 

Done.  We overspent our fun trip budget category, but thanks to our overall frugalness, we were able to cover from other surpluses.

3.  I'm going to knock the shit out of being energetic and positive with W and the boys this week. 

Mixed results.  Mornings I'm great.  Evenings can be tough, esp. if W is tired from being with the kids.  Overall, I'd give myself a B+ on this.

Magnum

Sorry for the lengthy post, but I have a lot to report.

This all started 2 weeks ago after we came back from a trip out of town to visit family.  In the month before that night, we’d had sex maybe 3 times, all three of which had been pretty lousy.  They started as they often do, with me initiating, W climbing on me and try to tentatively ride me without getting me too worked up because of my PIV.  Each of these times, she essentially lost interest and we stopped without either of us being satisfied.  

That Monday started much the same, and as she had done the last three times, she lost interest.  I told her pointedly that I was unhappy with our sex lives, that I felt like 15 years of lousy sex was turning into 16 years of lousy sex, and while I was trying to improve things, they didn’t seem to be getting any better.

That was basically all we talked about that night.  The next night we had sex and it was good - at least what counts as good for us - my PE wasn’t an issue.  W also mentioned we should talk about what happened on Monday, but neither of us was ready to at that time.

On Tuesday, I brought up the issue again and we had a long time.  That discussion has carried on over the last two weeks.  I’ve learned the following.  Some of this is going to sound bad to start, but it does get better.

* W felt intensely hurt during her yearlong illness.  She felt that, even though I was doing many things around the house, I wasn’t supporting her emotionally; that I pretty much left her on her own and didn’t care if she ever got better.  She felt intense anger and even hatred towards me.

*During the 1st 15 years of our marriage, she had constantly wondered why we were not having more, better sex.  When things were really bad, she even wondered if I was gay, because she wasn’t sure why having sex with her more often.  This also left her hurt and betrayed.

*While there have been good times in our marriage during the last 16 years, she always felt that our sexual connection was missing.

*She remembered that we were much more adventurous when we were dating and first married, but all of that had stopped and she missed it.

*Importantly, she felt that now that my PE was starting to get under control, we could start from “fresh”. This was huge for me. 

I shared with her my regret over the last 16 years.  I also shared with her that I had come to the realization in the last two years that I wanted a better sex life; that I felt intense sorrow that I could remember having a somewhat better sex life (even though PE was always a problem) and that I hadn’t been able to find a way back to that place.  I shared with her how much I love and I much I’m sorry that she didn’t get the support she needed last year.

And, with that conversation out of the way, my PE has been gone.  Totally, absolutely gone.  Now, I am sure that the lexapro has helped, and I’m going to quit it any time soon.  But I have now trully started to enjoy the fruits of a better and amazing sex life.

I cannot convey to tell you how earth-shakingly different our sex life has been.

Where to start?

Well, we’ve had sex at least once a day (and sometimes 2 or 3 times a day) EVERY DAY for the last 2 weeks.  That’s right . . . I used to consider having sex 2x per week to be a high point and now and I’m getting it ALL THE TIME.

And, it is the sex I’ve always dreamed about having.  Like some others here, I’m high stim, and so I want lots of variety.  Well, over the last 2 weeks I’ve gotten it:

BJs (and BJTC), with W telling me how much she loves giving them, especially when I take control.

HJs

Cuming on her titts (multiple times)

Cuming on her ass (multiple times)

Tieing her up (multiple times)

Shaving her nether-regions while she’s tied up.

Spanking her.

Every position I could want to try.

Dirty talk galore.

Lingerie, lingerie, lingerie.

Toys.

I’ve learned that the woman I’ve been married to has a submissive streak a mile wide.  And I’m taking advantage of it.  Last night she continuously called me “sir” in the bedrooom while I brought her to multiple Os in multiple positions.  I’ve started picking out her bras and panties, which she loves.  She tells me how she wants me to tie her up and gag her, which I’ve now done.  

She’s getting laser hair removal.  Part of this is to take care of her armpits and legs, but a huge part is that she wants her pussy to look the way I want it.  We’ve had a real blast with me telling her exactly how I want her hair to look (landing strip, FTW).

We’ve actually had so much sex that she developed vaginitis.  She’s on medication since Friday, and PIV is a no-go until this Friday.  Even so, we aren’t stopping and have been enjoying trying so many new and different things.

She wants me to buy her toys; lots and lots of toys.

Last night, while I was mauling her, she confessed that she knows I want to take her ass and that while she’s nervous about it, the idea turns her on.

We’ve installed the “Couple” app.  She loves for me to tell her exactly what dirty picture I want her to send and to text exactly what I plan to do to her that day.  

Yesterday, after one of her laser hair consultations, I told her that since I was at the pool with the kids, she should go shopping.  Pretty soon, I’m getting pictures of her in the dressing room trying on “fuck me heels” which she wore later that night while I spanked her with a ruler.

Magnum

Continued...

Anyway, I could go on and on because this is only the tip of the iceberg.  My point is that what was an “F” relationship when it comes to sex is now an “A+++.”

And that’s not all.  Last night we had a very positive discussion about other parts of our relationship:

She’s always felt that I was the leader, but she feels that I have really turned it up over the last year, which she deeply appreciates.

We talked about responsive desire.  She said she’d never heard of it, but agrees that it explains a lot.

She told me that I’m not just a leader for our immediate family, but also a leader for my parents and also her parents.  She said that she’d be terrified to have as much responsibility as I have, but that she knows folks always look to me for leadership because I am so good at it.

She feels that while I have always been a wonderful father and husband, she can really feel how much energy I’ve been investing in her and the boys.

She cannot believe how much our sex life has improved over the last 2 weeks, and she really wants to keep the momentum up.

She’s almost intimidated by how good I’ve become at sex and how much I know.  She really wants to please me in bed and wants me to continue to lead there.

I really could go on and on, and I probably should (maybe more privately) to memorialize how has changed.

I am blessed (and have always been blessed) with an amazing wife.  But now I can really see it and enjoy it.

Anyway, I wanted to let you know that I couldn’t have gotten there without the help of this forum.  I deeply appreciate all the support I have received.

I know that there will be hicups going forward, but given the past 2 weeks, I am confident that we are on the right track to an ever better relationship in and out of the bedroom.

telyni

All I can say to that is wow, awesome. Was it really a conversation that changed everything for you guys? (As in, usually it's actions, right?)

Angeline

It was a year plus of mapping, THEN a pointed conversation. Way different than just another conversation.

Magnum

@Angeline is entirely right, except that it has been more like 4 years of MAPing (although I didn't know I was mapping at the time).  In 2012, I was borderline obese; had a job I hated; hardly ever had sex with my wife; was an absentee father to my son's (and when I was with them, my interactions were often negative).  Even so, there was things I was good at:  I've always been an excellent provider and planner.  

Starting in 2012, I changed all that.  Then, in 2015 I found MMSL.  It (and some other stuff I've studied) really helped put focus to my MAP and stop obsessing so much about trying to change her.  Only through the MAP was I able to give W the security and comfort to reconnect with me physically and emotionally.  There is no way any amount of talking by itself would have ever gotten her to open up to me the way she has.

Magnum

W is definitely intrigued by some of the MMSL-isms that I've sprinkled into our conversations the last several months.  It started with the red-yellow-green concept, and has included PiV, DTF, responsive desire. I've told her I've done research on how to have a better sex life, which is where these phrases came from.  Shes ok with it. 

Scarlet

@nojamesdean Welcome to the forum!  Yes, please keep reading and learning.  

Magnum

Thanks @nojamesdean.  I wasn't planning on offering up MMSL or the forum at this point.  But if we presses me on it, I probably will.  My only concern is that I may have said things in my triage or MAP thread that would reopen old hurts and otherwise disrupt our positive momentum.  But some of that concern is balanced by a feeling that she might appreciate the change to interact with the women on the form about topics she'd never discuss with other women IRL.

Scarlet

@dbl_hoo if it would ever be a positive (as opposed to a punishing "wake her up" move) to invite her to the forum, you can have your thread deleted.  I think it depends very much on where you are in your relationship, and where you each are in personal progression.  

Scarlet

@nojamesdean  Before you make a move, consider writing your own MAP thread, reading the book, and following it.  As a general rule, women do not respond well to "Hey Honey, you're totally not hot so read this forum and learn what you're doing wrong."  That's a recipe for a Critical Moment of Neglect.

Marriage has a lot of ups and downs.  The downs sometimes include significant illnesses, which is what the OP's wife is dealing with.  Bashing her for the results of an illness would hardly result in an improvement.  That's just cruelty. 

CartB4Horse

@nojamesdean - We all came here with preconceived notions.  We read the books, watched the videos and post our trials on the forum.

It's a process that takes years.  Start your journey, I believe you'll love it here.

Magnum

Well, as you saw above, things have been going pretty well in dbl_hoo land.  That is, until last night.

Last night, I came home after spending most of the week with my parents.  My dad has end-stage alzheimer's and my mother has been having her own health challenges.  W has been extremely supportive of my spending time with them and acting as a leader to them as well.

Even though we've been a part, W and I had been communicating regularly and also sexting each other using the Couple app (highly recommended).  When I got home, it was clear she was excited to see me, and we both planned on some serious sex once we got the kids to bed.

So, I put the kids to bed.  We want to give them some time to sleep before we got down to serious business.  So, we sat on the couch to talk.  W delicately brought up the issue of porn.  She said she knows that it's been an issue for me in the past and she wanted to know whether sexting was going to cause a relapse.

I wanted to reassure her that this would not be the case.  I also wanted to come clean to her about my past porn usage.  So, I told her the exact date that I last used porn (May 5, 2015).  Now, since I'd started to get my life together back in 2012, my porn usage had declined dramatically, but I had never fully quit until I started reading this site and realized that I could never get my marriage on track as long as I was using that as a crutch.

I completely underestimated the impact that this would have on W.  She immediately teared up and left me.  Instead of hearing that I've been entirely porn free for over a year, she heard that I had been lying to her about porn usage up until a year ago.  She said she felt like a "chump" and that I must have no respect for her.  She slept in a different room.  

I think that W does not understand how persuasive porn usage is among all men - both married and single.  My assumption is that if a man has a smart phone, then he is almost certainly looking at porn, at least occasionally.  Is this wrong?

We leave for vacation today.  It is going to be a long 10 hours in the car with the kids.

Maybe I was wrong to confess to W.  But we had talked several times in the last couple of weeks about the importance of open communication.  I did not want to continue to have the feeling that every time W and I talk about my past, that I've covered up and hidden something from her.  I really want a clean start with her.

The way things went, however, has opened the possibility that W may completely kill the sexual awakening that had happened over the last month.  

If that is the case, I will be very sad.  I felt like we had finally started to click sexually (after 16 years).  If we go back to where we were, it will be a real challenge, especially after seeing how awesome things could be.  I feel this even more so, since it wasn't that I was "caught" or anything like that - I openly admit and am willing to own my past mistakes.  W herself has said that she's been amazed about the changes I've made over the past year. 

Anyway, if the forum has any thoughts or suggestions, I would really appreciate it.

Thanks.

Magnum

Edit - I meant "pervasive" not "persuasive"

Magnum

Moderators - my thread has some pictures.  Will you please delete them?

Scarlet

Done.

frillyfun

It sounds like it was a fitness/loyalty test that you failed here.  "We need to talk" just before sex is a sign that she doesn't trust that the changes you've made are real, and are going to stick.  Her RC was low because you'd been away, and I think that's what triggered it.  I've pulled that trick a few times.

I think all she needed here was a little cocky/funny reassurance.  In general good communication adds to the marriage, but there's a lot to be said about STFU particularly if the information is unnecessary, and potentially damaging to the relationship.

You are right that porn use is pervasive.  Boys touch their penises in the womb pretty much all the time- it's their first, and best toy, and it never stops being fun as far as I can tell.

I consider myself to be a fairly rational, pragmatic woman, but as a FO my H having sexual thoughts about another woman is never ever ever going to sit right with me.  I know it happens, but I don't need or want to know about it.  I want my husband to act right, and I want a good relationship with him, but I do not want to be the "thought police".

Moving forward before you tell your wife something ask yourself if her having that info is truly a DHV that will add quality to the relationship.  If it won't then STFU.  

Good job on being porn free for over a year!!!  

MrsJon

@dbl_hoo ;  I too had issues with my husband using porn, and considered it pretty close to cheating. When he stopped, I was always thinking he might relapse. It was stressful, so I sort of know how your wife feels.

Take heart though, you have made fantastic progress. Focus on that and keep up the strong leadership and positive energy during your trip. Your positive energy will calm your wife. Just offer plenty of affection and reassurance as needed. Time is on your side here, this is just a dip. You are a strong captain, and can handle it.