How to handle Friends after an affair

DireWolf

I am curious as to how everyone on here feels about people who have had affairs, going no contact, but still staying close friends with others in their affair partners circle, or work, or friends who knew about the affairs, looked the other way, talked about them, listed excitedly to the details, etc.  Even while saying, you should probably just get divorced.  

I guess, Friends who were involved or knew and either supported or looked the other way, especially those still in the affair partners "circle" of life.  

How do would you handle, if at all.  

Thanks!  

Friz

That's a pretty wide brush that you're using.
"If" a friend of mine knew that my wife was having an affair and didn't tell me, that person would no longer be a part of my life. No way, no how.

DireWolf

I guess I am talking about how would you feel about HER friends, if she had an affair that they had full knowledge of, and supported it either passively or actively.  Would you be comfortable with HER friends and them continuing to be part of your relationship, her life?  

soa2005

Generally it's a good idea to rid your marriage of toxic influences. However, specific situations may make this difficult. For instance you mention work. What are the ramifications to the marriage if the wayward spouse has to give up work? Can the two of you handle the financial fallout? 

In my personal experience my wife's part time job helped to facilitate the affair. I'm not sure who, if anyone, from work knew about the affair but I had her quit the job. If my wife would have continued working there she would have eventually run into the other man. 

If others had facilitated the affair I would have cut them out of our lives.

findingalpha

Friends that are not friends of the marriage are not friends. 

The_Dude

That's a tough question.  A lot of complex situations.  I'm dealing with a very tough one coming up this week.
Your situation is kind of an odd one. Is this related to your girlfriend?

in general I would not be associated with anyone who was ok with my wife's affair.  The only friend of hers who knew was telling her she was nuts and should cut it off (read all the emails later)  So I'm good with her. 
there was a guy friend she had who also knew and was also a sort of EA at the time.  He's gone obviously.  I made good and sure he wouldn't contact her again and there's no chance they would meet socially.  Geography helps.

her brother knew 'something' happened the first time they got together.   Given some stuff that happened afterward I will probably never forgive the putz.  But I can't completely cut him out of my life without causing a lot of collateral damage.  So I see him as little as possible. Maybe once every couple of years.

if there were a lot of connections and people who knew, etc.  I can pretty confidently say I wouldn't still be married.  

RebuildingHusband

I lost a lot of friends due to my affair. Some of them I cut willingly, others my wife said were out. It's life. We've moved on without them just fine. 

Blackwulf

Anyone that I had considered a friend of the marriage, i.e. friends to both of you I would drop, and then anyone who aided and abetted that were my wife's friends I would say they have it out for your marriage.  Affairs don't just start because of people's weaknesses but because of poor environments/peer influences.  

Athol_Kay

DireWolf said:

I guess I am talking about how would you feel about HER friends, if she had an affair that they had full knowledge of, and supported it either passively or actively.  Would you be comfortable with HER friends and them continuing to be part of your relationship, her life?  

Generally speaking, everyone who "aided and abetted" needs to be removed from your life if at all possible.

DireWolf

@The_Dude, yes it is my girlfriend.  Granted the affairs were not in our relationship. But the friends I don't trust and she hasnt talked to them for a while and its becoming an issue because she wants to and feels her friends shouldn't have anything to do with our relationship and that they would be supportive.  There really are just two. Both of which are in connection still with two of her ex affair partners. One of which works with them... And her, but on a different shift than her.  I know both of them have been disrespectful towards me or our relationship before I made a fuss about it.   Now its coming up again. 

DireWolf

@Blackwulf I definitely agree that peers and situations influence or
enable alot of behavior which is why I am concerned with these two in our relationship.  

Blackwulf

Why is she friend's with these people?  Are they old friends forever or were they just work friends?  Some friendships are more like family.  

The_Dude

generalzod said:

I'm still really confused.  She told you all this history?

It sounds a whole lot like you're shifting the blame for her past affairs to her friends and giving too much weight in basing her trustworthiness to her circle of influence.

Yeah. the infidelity wasn't against @DireWolf.  He is the last in a chain of infidelity.  And wants to keep it that way.   

Angeline

The_Dude said:

generalzod said:

I'm still really confused.  She told you all this history?

It sounds a whole lot like you're shifting the blame for her past affairs to her friends and giving too much weight in basing her trustworthiness to her circle of influence.

Yeah. the infidelity wasn't against @DireWolf.  He is the last in a chain of infidelity.  And wants to keep it that way.   

There's one really excellent way to do that. 

What does she bring to the table that is worth the drama?

DireWolf

@generalzod I certainly do not blame her friends or anyone else for her actions, they are squarely on her.  However, I do think that friends and environment can have a lot of influence on what people find themselves doing.  

@Blackwulf These are both friends she met through work several years back.  I think in a way she does view them as family.  However, most of her indiscretions are also linked to work, either customers or co-workers, trips, etc.  which these friends also were working with and knew about.

I found out about most of this very slowly as our relationship progressed.  Some through her telling me, some through me seeing things that don't make sense, and some from overhearing conversations with these exact friends talking about her ex flames giggling about stuff etc.  that began drawing a LOT of questions on my part.  

DireWolf

@Angeline Like everyone, she brings both positives and negatives to the table.  Positives:  She is great with my children and the care about her a lot, and that helps me in a few different ways.  She pushes me to be a better version of myself, more social, etc.  In the past (not as much lately) she is a person that can really bring me out of myself (I am a bit of an introvert and in my head a lot).  She is responsible with money, and pretty supportive of my life goals in general.  We have no sexual problems/complaints, and in many ways she is a good partner. 

Drawbacks:  Trust issues galore.  She can be a bit lazy not the best housekeeper etc.  She wants to go out and do things a lot whereas when I get home from work, I would rather stay around the house with the kids and relax and spend time.  She definitely has a nigher activity level/desire than I do.  Some Drama with family and the trickle truthing and work, a lot of that has to do with the trust issues.     

DireWolf

I guess my question is do I "mate gaurd" with her friends due to my uncomfortableness with their influences.... or do I just let it go and try to STFU and be OI as far as they are concerned.  I suppose I see it more like what @Athol_Kay said, that anyone who aided or abetted either passively or actively I dont really want in my life.  If she truly has left that part of her life behind then those influences should be left behind as well, but I also understand that friends are friends.  

soa2005

@DireWolf ;
Did you start out dating her when she was single or did you start out as her affair partner?

DireWolf

Started as friends then an EA.  We did not physically begin dating until she was separated.  I was single.  

DireWolf

@generalzod   Thanks for your comments GeneralZod.  There are more details in the Mens Gold Section from a few months ago, but I do struggle with trusting her not to get back into a pattern of cheating and with her friends and ex-affair partners all working together and being friends etc. it makes me very uncomfortable.  

Its not that disrespect is coming up again from her friends (because she hasnt really been talking to them for several months) but she is wanting and pushing to start those relationships actively again. Along with all the crying about missing them etc.   In the past I have said I am not comfortable with it, and explained my reasons for my hesitation and how I think they supported and facilitated the affairs she had.  She disagree's and feels that they were primarily just emotional support for her, but didn't necessarily condone it.   I feel that their actions and acceptance of hanging out with her and her ex-affair guys etc. did show their approval (among other things)   

I think that when she is in a relationship and one calls and talks about how most recent ex affair Dude at work wants to land her, and ex-affair dude 2 is going on this trip and will do anything etc.  (one example) that is disrespectful and almost to the point of encouragement, and that has just been during our relationship.   

So anyway, I have pushed back pretty hard in the past about not wanting them a part of my life or influence on our relationship, but starting to think if its going to be a reoccurring issue that keeps coming up every few months, do I just drop it and let to float or sink on it's own merits or continue to stand up to it.  

DireWolf

BTW.. I don't know if it's that they don't respect me as much as they have seen enough in her past that they don't really respect her relationships.  I know that for example apparently they were at work (she wasn't there) and were talking about a facebook post of hers about us or something we had done and one of her co-workers told a newer woman.. "Thats the one I told you about sleeping with XYZcoworker".    I can only imagine the down talking etc. of her ex husband and all her other relationships while they sit around at work and they watch it all.