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Comments
Can you turn them loose in the back yard with cans of shaving cream, while you read a book, and then play in the hose to get rinsed off before they come inside?
This is one of the reasons I push for preschool and parks & rec classes. For my super-extroverted child, I found a Montessori school that took 2 year olds. The class was 3 mornings a week, and we both treasured that time.
I remember taking my daughter to preschool ballet ... I'd sit in a spare room with the other mommys. We talked a little but mostly enjoyed our quiet time. Some would tend babies (the quiet, non-fussy type, not like mine), others would read ... I knit mittens for the family. I'd retreat into my head during that hour and when class was over, my daughter and I would both be refreshed.
I have an extroverted friend who raised 4 active kids. Her secret was to run them ragged, piling on the activities. I could never handle as many activities as my kids would need, but I did schedule as much as I could tolerate and stay healthy. For me, that was 2 activities per week per kid, plus religious school on the weekend. [When they got old enough to transport themselves, I lifted that limit.] So I rarely had more than one activity per day, and I could manage that.
Also, as soon as my youngest was old enough (3) I signed up for evening classes for myself, one evening a week. I took a fitness class, and that helped me a lot too.
The whole trick is to find ways to eliminate that "pecked to death by cute little ducklings" feeling.
Enneagram 5w4. I'm researching what that means, before designing t-shirt art about it.
"I feel no shame in making lavish use of the strongest muscles, namely male ones (but my own strongest muscle is dedicated to the service of men - noblesse oblige). I don't begrudge men one whit of their natural advantages as long as they respect mine. I am not an unhappy pseudomale; I am female and like it that way." RAH
This treating your kid as a bosom buddy is a relatively new thing. Unless I'm misreading what you mean by wanting to be around them, your attitude would have been the norm a few decades ago.
I know my Mom utterly loved us kids. Did thoughtful little things for us, frequent special meals (we were on the food=love plan), etc. She would cry when summer vacation was over and school started up. And, just to emphasize what the parenting climate was like back then... her friends all thought she was weird and couldn't wait for the little bastards to go back to the state mandated babysitting / indoctrination camps.
For all that, I can count on the fingers of both hands the times she *played* with us. In other words, did anything more than casually supervise. And boy, was she casual about it. "Enough (TV, rough housing, whatever), go outside and play. I don't want to see you until dinner." That message could come at any point after lunch so it was basically "Get out of my face for X hours."
Beyond taking steps to keep us reasonably safe, healthy and happy there wasn't a whole lot of hand holding, helicoptering or structured quality time going on. We had books, games, toys, pets and each other. The rest was on us. Maybe that's why I'm a big fan of the free range kids concept.
The short version is that I, personally, don't think you are abnormal. I don't even think you're that much of an exception, even in this day and age. Of course, that all depends on the degree of the intensity of your statement and what it means to you. If it's a visceral "can't stand the sight of them" thing then all bets are off.
Perhaps you can unpack what you meant a bit?
“She was 3/4 perfection and 1/4 broken glass.”
This is not to say I don't have good moments with them. I read to them. We have dinner together every night as a family. I talk to them about their issues (problems at school, etc). We hug. We occasionally wrestle or chase. I love my children and I worry about letting these years go by without enough +1 moments, as @Maria calls them.
@Athol_Kay, I get what you're saying. I don't know if I'm artificially inflating my numbers. I can relate to various levels. I'm just going to stop the anger as well as I am able, and try and be accountable for it here. Just a morning has gone by since I read your comments but already I've done well today (that's a rare respite). You're quite the motivator, you know.
A few on here have discussed anger in their threads from time to time (@Tennee, @Ms_Fit and she expanded on some of it above), and I'm going to try and go back and read those threads as well if I can find them.
THIS.
I measure myself against some invisible standard of "motherhood"....thank God hub is there to remind me of my strengths and the things I give to them.
Make your own lunch, while they are chatting and telling you all of their sadnesses and happinesses. Just let them talk.
Don't stop whatever you are doing to clean their messes. Whyever should you? And why would you have to resolve fights between siblings?
If you want us to be unapologetically feminine, be unapologetically masculine.
I have news for you: your strong-willed kids will continue to test you - always. This place help me shift my approach. My apple didn't fall far from the tree - I put W and me in the 'alpha' personality category. Yours didn't fall far either; embrace this as a good thing.
They will respond to positive, alpha leadership. When it's framed right, they won't test as much and will follow. YMMV, but it's much better here.
I got lots of discussions and posts on anger, including On Anger. Holler if I can help you...
ETA My W echoes you, Ms_Fit, RHW, et al above...you are not alone by a longshot.
How will you live well today?
I can't remember who said it on here, but they had a family "we work together, we play together" rule. They did chores at a designated time, and then played. We've adopted that, and I really like that.
Having a plan for something fun really helps too. "This morning I'm going to clean, and when we're done we'll build a fort out of cardboard". The less I have to clean or get interrupted the more time we'll have to play.
Even at 2 DS really grasped that, and would help pickup his toys. Keeping him moving towards fun things is key for our sanity.
I also do an hour of quiet time in the afternoon where DS naps, or plays quietly in his room while I regroup.
A parent can look at their kids' temperament traits in a positive way, or a negative one. So, for example, your kid is either "a stubborn cuss" or "persistent". They are "defiant" or "independent". The term you use to describe them affects how you think about them.
I learned this with my "force of nature" kid. She was persistent, an independent thinker, wanted the info to make wise choices, and had lots of vitality. Thinking of her that way led to a much better relationship than if I focused on the times her persistence, etc. were put to use doing things I didn't want her doing.
When she was young, I would tell myself, "when she's a teen, I know she won't blindly do stupid things because her friends do." and you know, that's exactly how it turned out.
I viewed my parenting role as guiding my kids giving them the ethical base from which they could make wise choices. Even when they were tiny, I let them do this as much as possible.
I learned this from the book Raising Your Spirited Child, by Mary Sheedy Kurchinka. This book is a must read for any parent who gets overwhelmed by their kids. I think this book alone saved my sanity during the duckling years.
Enneagram 5w4. I'm researching what that means, before designing t-shirt art about it.
"I feel no shame in making lavish use of the strongest muscles, namely male ones (but my own strongest muscle is dedicated to the service of men - noblesse oblige). I don't begrudge men one whit of their natural advantages as long as they respect mine. I am not an unhappy pseudomale; I am female and like it that way." RAH
You are doing great!
I went looking for my dreams outside of myself and discovered, it's not what the world holds for you, it's what you bring to it.
Anne Shirley - Anne of Avonlea
That was the theme of the weekend!
Kids should really come with better instruction manuals.
It probably didn't work (we were/are hellions despite their best efforts), but it probably made him feel better to say it, and it's definitely something that resonates with me now.
I'm really over Thomas the flipping Train. Really really over him, and the rest of the Sodor railway too.
Some kids hate it when their parents are upset with them. For those kids, giving them the stink eye is often enough to straighten them out. My oldest was like that. My youngest couldn't care less. In fact, he can "out-anger" any of us, so parenting on that basis doesn't work in the slightest. You want to be almost robotic when you discipline strong-willed kids. Just emphasize choice=consequence. Pick your battles. If something deserves a consequence...it always deserves a consequence. You can't yell and then do nothing about it. My youngest would rather be in trouble than be ignored. And his attention bucket has a hole in it (ADHD) so no matter how much you give him, it's never enough. Take care of yourself first. One of the rules is that kids clean up after themselves. Otherwise you'll spend the day cleaning behind them. They can't start something new until something old is put away. And as they get older, "grandma's rule" works really well. If you don't work, you don't eat. If there are chores to be done, they get done before the next meal. Or you wait to eat. This was a depression era approach, but it still works. If you want to play xbox/tv/board games/whatever, then you have to earn that privilege first by doing something. Could be as simple as reading alone in your room for half an hour. Could be putting away your clothes, folding towels, sweeping the kitchen, whatever. And remember...this can be make work. It doesn't have to be actual work. Who cares if the towels are crooked? Or if the three-times a day sweeping isn't needed? It kept the little charmers occupied and set them up with a work ethic for when they get older.
But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep.
Apologies for the threadjack @ forestleaf!
I went looking for my dreams outside of myself and discovered, it's not what the world holds for you, it's what you bring to it.
Anne Shirley - Anne of Avonlea
Thanks everyone for the parenting insights. I read every one and I'm learning from you all.
Believe me teenagers are NOT more fun to be around.
From an outside point of view, yes, what takes place in a family with teenagers is true comedy, so there is an element of fun
In my experience the glory years are between 8 and 12 btw.
But I believe we should not wait for better times to enjoy our children anyway.
It's the present that counts.
*ETA sorry, that sounds as if I was making fun of you. I am not - I just really choked on my coffee reading about the fun teenage years. We barely survived them. We were not spared one single thing in the book. Okay, no pregnancies, so that's something.
If you want us to be unapologetically feminine, be unapologetically masculine.
Colic taught me I could not make a child happy, I could only provide an environment where they could become happy, if they wished.
Enneagram 5w4. I'm researching what that means, before designing t-shirt art about it.
"I feel no shame in making lavish use of the strongest muscles, namely male ones (but my own strongest muscle is dedicated to the service of men - noblesse oblige). I don't begrudge men one whit of their natural advantages as long as they respect mine. I am not an unhappy pseudomale; I am female and like it that way." RAH
Child: you're mean.
Me: yes I am, and for that reason you should be afraid of doing something I don't like.
So I corrected all the bad manners. ALL of them, because they all bothered me. And you know what? It wasn't pleasant, because the more I corrected, the more personally I took the repeated infractions (I JUST told you not to sit on your feet and lean on your sister!). Things were tense, intense, and nobody felt loved and enjoyed.
I'm a huge believer in actively teaching life skills. But now, because of my own problems, I try to follow a rule of never correcting them for anything at the table. My wife does it sometimes when they get out of hand, so we're not degenerating into savages. But, honestly, I realized that I must be willing to risk the kids being a little embarrassing in public someday in order to keep from being "that" dad - the always angry, always critical one.
It's bloody hard. I care so much that they - and our house - be well taken care of. But somewhere between my own childhood (when I was always a mess) and theirs, I developed a quick eye for details - an eye no child could measure up to.
So now I try let things slide on purpose. Even though things are just. not. right!
M.A.P. - http://marriedmansexlife.vanillaforums.com/discussion/13574/pen-and-swords-map