Gnusmas Triage and MAP

Gnusmas

@Samson The PA I have definitely cut short and discarded. Not going back there. That was poisonous!

I cannot state with 100% honesty that the EA has been put aside. I still have occasional text contact with her. Through our friend network, we still meet very occasionally.

Between then and now... has been a state of emotional detachment. Almost no physical contact between me and W. Even in the household, very little interaction. She contributes very little to the running of the household, in fact, acting like an entitled princess.

Earlier this year she entered a beauty contest without discussing anything with me, in fact, hiding the fact from me (I later heard from a mutual friend that she wanted to "show me" that she can, and will improve). I supported her in the sense that I looked after the kids and household when she had to attend to competition commitments and her new gym schedule. Also were there to help on a couple of occasions the competition required assistance . The competition was concluded recently and she did us very proud!

I really re-committed to my marriage recently, even while she still acted as an entitled princess at home. I worked on my frame and MAP, but the recent porn disclosure and reaction from her put a serious damper on the atmosphere at home.

Gnusmas

@Jen_Kay

Is Introduce yourself still the correct place for this?

Regards

samson

Have your done a full MAP with your reds etc?

Gnusmas

@Samson. Nope, don't think so. Is there a template somewhere?

samson

On mobile so don't have a link.

This may come off as a bit blunt but don't you think you are being somewhat hypocritical? You are actively working against your marriage by continuing an affair but looking for advice on how to deal with her divorce threat over your porn use? 

Gnusmas

@Samson. I will not deny that I am hypocritical sometimes. But am not pursuing an affair at present. I simply noted that I have not cut all ties with the EA woman in question, but I am not pursuing her.

samson

How will you make progress if you don't break contact?

DaddyOh

"You get closure by closing the door not by opening it for one last look..."

Go No Contact yesterday 

Angeline

Yes this is the correct place until you're ready to work on things. Link to triage is in my sig (visible on desktop version). The place you put your thread isn't nearly as important as the content.

Gnusmas

@Samson. @DaddyOh, I hear you.

@Angeline. I did the triage at the start of this thread. Nothing much changed in that regard.

Cmon guys, how can I give W some comfort after this porn debacle? It is not as if I am not trying to overcome it, I am.

samson

Guys I know I set the house on fire but how can I fix the car?

_io

Gnusmas.  Imagine this.  Your wife has slept with three different guys in the last two years, guys who you hang out with occasionally.  She also is getting her emotional needs met by flirting with strangers on Facebook.  Then she gets on a message board and asks how she can get her fat entitled husband to quit nagging her about not wanting to spend time with him and threatening her with divorce.

I'm not trying to bust your balls. I honestly feel for you and the situation you're in.  But you need to accept radical self-responsibility and focus on changing yourself.  You are a Mr Nice Guy who is used to allowing yourself to coast while convincing yourself that things are happening to you, not that you are causing things to happen through your own agency.

This is your absolute biggest hurdle.  Your serial cheating is actually just a byproduct of that.  But you have got to stop the cheating.  Each time you flirt with one of these women, you are widening the cracks in your damaged will.  

Gnusmas

@_io. Thank you.

"You are a Mr Nice Guy who is used to allowing yourself to coast while convincing yourself that things are happening to you, not that you are causing things to happen through your own agency"

I have realized this for quite some time. That is why I am here. And that's why I am working on myself.

Gnusmas

I have contacted a wise and trusted friend and told him about my porn issue. I will check in with him daily. He has my permission to discuss it with my wife. (He is a mutual friend, respected and trusted by both of us.) This is my attempt to be accountable to her, at least for time being. My true wish is to slay this dragon once and for all.

Meanwhile I am also adding more relationship comfort to the mix. Captaining more, as well as getting back to be that cocky,  self assured guy she fell in love with many years ago. 

Gnusmas

Our respected friend has indicated that he will be standing back for time being. The reason being that W is criticizing and projecting her hurt onto him. (completely understandable, but not helping our friend here).

I will have a talk to with her to try and find out and work out what a workable and acceptable for her, solution will be. However I think she needs a bit more time before taking this up with her.

Gnusmas

I spent the bulk of yesterday with W. We drove around doing her errands and meetings. In between was opportunities to just talk, also to discuss some of the issues, and simply reconnecting. 

Nothing earthshattering was discussed, she is still very very hurt and keeping me at a distance, but we had a positive time. And I view this, taking off from work and spending with her, a good investment.

Gnusmas

Working on myself and the marriage. My W still has her doubts and issues with me, and I am providing (trying to) comfort here.

I am pretty much into my wife, but I am trying to just be my awesome self.

I am taking this one day at a time.

Gnusmas

Any suggestions in handling this?

You may be aware of the recent porn issue, and me getting to grips with it, and trying to give relationship comfort to W.

Last night we had another long talk, well, she talked and I had to listen.

Basically she told me how she felt,  how she felt unworthy, how I have never been happy with her weight, how she has always been a pretty poor housekeeper, how I prefer to use the porn instead of wanting sex with her (not correct or true btw)……….. She came as very negative about herself. I told her that all those negative things, she says that about herself, it does not come from me, that she is the one with the selfworth issues, and she should look into that. It is not me who is abusive or derogatory wrt to those issues she raises.

Also she wonderd aloud (more than once) about how I will be feeling if she starts masturbating to pics of jocks with massive penises…. I told her that it is her choice, but that I will be going the in the correct direction, which is working on our marriage and relationship (and keep on laying off the porn off course).

She is telling me that I am responsible for her body and self image issues.

Any suggestions for the road laying in front of us. I am well aware that I am mapping and working for myself. I cannot change her. But how do I give her relationship comfort  after this CMN?