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Feel like I'm just a roommate to my wife
MrBman
Member Posts: 7
I was recommended to this site from a friend who so far has turned around his marriage pretty drastically. I thought I would give this a shot to see if it can help us.
My name is Mike and I'm a 32 year old husband and father to 3 kids, ages 4, 2, and 4 months. I have a mid level management job and make a fair wage though my wife doesn't work outside of the home so making ends meet can be difficult. Most of my friends would say I'm funny, loyal, and the nice guy.
My wife and I have been married for almost 6 years and to be honest our marriage hasn't been great for several years. Ever since we had our first child I feel like we've drifted further and further apart as a couple as her focus has been 85% kids, 15% marriage. I love my kids though I feel like to be great parents, the focus should start with a strong marital foundation.
For the past year or two I felt like I'm nothing more than a roommate to her. Sex is rare (maybe once a month) and only happens because she feels like she has to. More than just sex I crave the connection that we once had. Hugging me now seems like a chore to her and after we kiss she wipes off her lips (she claims out is because my lips are too wet though this had never been an issue in the past). I've told her how I feel it is very disrespectful but she continues to do it
My oldest child slept in bed with us for 2.5 years and now my youngest has moved into the bed. In the past 3 years I've probably slept in my own bed for the full night under 50 times. I should add that I snore pretty badly too so that doesn't help.
Anytime I seek any form of affection I only get excuses as to why she can't hug/kiss/do anything sexual. Because of kids that don't sleep well, we're both usually pretty tired and short with each other.
I feel like I'm getting better but I don't stand up for myself enough. I rarely do anything outside of the home with friend. Example: I go out with friends every 4-6 months and very rarely am gone from the house in between these outings. There have been times I've had a little too much to drink and have to crash at a friend's house. She completely trusts me though is angry I'm not home with her and the kids. If I have to stay somewhere I'm always home early and am usually overly helpful even if I'm somewhat hung over.
She's had issues with anxiety though claims its much better now. I feel like she's depressed though she denies it and says she's just irritated and stressed out from the kids. Multiple times per week she gets so worked up by the kid that she basically screams "I need a break". I strongly encourage her to take time for herself. There are support systems around her but she chooses not to ask for help. She's nursing our youngest though she refuses to pump so she can get out of the house for more than a couple hours. I don't know how to help someone that won't accept or ask for help.
My biggest fear is that we're drifting further and further apart and before we know it one of us will just want to call it quits. I don't feel either of us is even close to that right now but like I said earlier I feel like we're just roommates and I want my wife back.
My wife and I have been married for almost 6 years and to be honest our marriage hasn't been great for several years. Ever since we had our first child I feel like we've drifted further and further apart as a couple as her focus has been 85% kids, 15% marriage. I love my kids though I feel like to be great parents, the focus should start with a strong marital foundation.
For the past year or two I felt like I'm nothing more than a roommate to her. Sex is rare (maybe once a month) and only happens because she feels like she has to. More than just sex I crave the connection that we once had. Hugging me now seems like a chore to her and after we kiss she wipes off her lips (she claims out is because my lips are too wet though this had never been an issue in the past). I've told her how I feel it is very disrespectful but she continues to do it
My oldest child slept in bed with us for 2.5 years and now my youngest has moved into the bed. In the past 3 years I've probably slept in my own bed for the full night under 50 times. I should add that I snore pretty badly too so that doesn't help.
Anytime I seek any form of affection I only get excuses as to why she can't hug/kiss/do anything sexual. Because of kids that don't sleep well, we're both usually pretty tired and short with each other.
I feel like I'm getting better but I don't stand up for myself enough. I rarely do anything outside of the home with friend. Example: I go out with friends every 4-6 months and very rarely am gone from the house in between these outings. There have been times I've had a little too much to drink and have to crash at a friend's house. She completely trusts me though is angry I'm not home with her and the kids. If I have to stay somewhere I'm always home early and am usually overly helpful even if I'm somewhat hung over.
She's had issues with anxiety though claims its much better now. I feel like she's depressed though she denies it and says she's just irritated and stressed out from the kids. Multiple times per week she gets so worked up by the kid that she basically screams "I need a break". I strongly encourage her to take time for herself. There are support systems around her but she chooses not to ask for help. She's nursing our youngest though she refuses to pump so she can get out of the house for more than a couple hours. I don't know how to help someone that won't accept or ask for help.
My biggest fear is that we're drifting further and further apart and before we know it one of us will just want to call it quits. I don't feel either of us is even close to that right now but like I said earlier I feel like we're just roommates and I want my wife back.
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Comments
You need to know that what is presented here on the forum and in Athol's work is not a quick fix. It's taken years to get you into the situation you're in--be prepared to put in some real effort and some real time. But know that you can make real and long lasting change.
Finally, you need to post a complete triage if you want to get the best advice/help from forum members.
Welcome.
The Triage questions are here...
http://marriedmansexlife.com/triage-your-relationship-and-the-911-er-category/
If you're starting out, you'll probably find the video series the most helpful.
One Hour Call 12-Week Guided MAP
"The turnaround is tremendous. And I'm lifting weights, eating better, and tackling projects. I have all this great energy without a vampire sucking my life force.
He's a lot stronger standing on his own two feet, as well." - Scarlet
Definitely watch Athol's videos ... even the first set alone will help you out a lot.
Unless there are some surprises on your triage (you can post it in this thread, as a series of comments), your situation sounds very fixable. It will take some time, and some effort, but you should be able to improve your marriage.
By the way, you have a lot of personal info in your first post. You might want to ask a Moderator to remove it.
Enneagram 5w4. I'm researching what that means, before designing t-shirt art about it.
"I feel no shame in making lavish use of the strongest muscles, namely male ones (but my own strongest muscle is dedicated to the service of men - noblesse oblige). I don't begrudge men one whit of their natural advantages as long as they respect mine. I am not an unhappy pseudomale; I am female and like it that way." RAH
Just going to throw this out......your wife is a Stay at Home Mom.
WIth the ages of the kids,4, 2, and 2 months- She Is BUSY!!
Cut her some slack and focus on you for now.
Into Phase 3..
Those Who Dare......Win. "What gives you fear today...Gives you Strength tomorrow.."Agree with everyone that your situation sounds familiar. I often felt the same way — that we were roommates. Definitely grab the books and read closely. Golden stuff in there.
My wife was stressed when my kids were young, but they were four years apart, and she had a job to go seek shelter. I can imagine the concentrated issues with kids much closer together. This may not be very Red Pill advice, but if your wife is screaming that she needs a break on a regular basis she is spelling out you need to give her one, in my book. If she refuses to take advantage of the support you mentioned, maybe your first task as Captain may be to take initiative and make plans with a friend for her, take the kids yourself for a night and just tell her to go and get her some relief. Good for her and good for you too. If anyone thinks this is bad advice please correct me, but to me, seeing to the mental well-being of my FO is high on my list.
Hard to see a man's Awesomeness if she can't see straight from being constantly worn out.
Question 1) I am 31, my wife is 26. We've been married 6 years together for 8. We have 3 kids - 4, 2, and 4 months.
I'm probably a 5-6 and my wife a 7-8 to others though a 9-10 in my eyes (sorry, cheesy). I'm 5'11" 280lbs and my wife is 5'1" 115lbs.
Question 2) No medical issues on my side, other than being overweight. My wife has issues with anxiety and I believe either some post-partum or depression. Though because of her anxiety and anti-medicine/chemicals beliefs she won't take anything other than something like Tylenol. She had a miscarriage when we were dating - 5 weeks in -which she took pretty hard.
She has never had an orgasm. From the beginning she has always gotten really sore during sex - if i lasted too long in her mind (15+ minutes she'd start to get pretty uncomfortable. After each child, as is expected, she's extra sore. We're 4.5 months in from the birth of our youngest and we've had sex 2 times, 3 days apart, about a 1.5 months ago. She's said, why would I want to do something that hurts? I've suggested in the past that maybe it's something she should get checked out and when feeling upset about getting constantly turned down for sex have said things like, maybe if we did it more it would start feeling better.
Question 3) I am currently 5'11" 280lbs - I've put on 30lbs since we got married. Though she's never said it directly, I know she wants me to lose weight. We've both tried several times to diet. I've tried many times to get back in shape but failed every time and seem to put on more than when i started. My background - I was athletic, and very involved in sports. I've always had a little extra but it was when I went off to college that I started putting on major weight. My wife has seen pictures of me in high school when i was 180lbs and she seemed to dig it though she clearly seemed attracted to me at the 250lbs I was for the first several years together.
It seems like any time I try to get on a workout regimen she's on board at first, then it becomes inconvenient to her and she pushes until I stay home instead of working out.
I've always been dependable and a good provider. She stays at home and has tried different MLM sales gigs though nothing has panned out. I have a decent job and my and we just bought a house for our growing family in a fairly nice community.
She's is very indecisive. When we were first together she changed her mind many times on what she wanted for her future, which is normal. She did post-secondary in high school and with her indecision, didn't think she wanted to do college. I wanted her to have many options later in life so encouraged her to start by getting her associates degree. She did. She stayed working towards getting her bachelor's in dietetics based on her love of food. After the birth of our 1st child she decided school was just too much and she dropped out.
In the two years we dated we had lots of sex - somewhat adventurous in terms of locations - nothing too wild in bed though. In our premarital counselling the counselor asked how many times each of us thought we'd have sex in a week. I said 20, she said 7. When we got out to the car, I said my number was a bit higher than I actually expected but her's was pretty low. She admitted she expected more than 7 but she didn't want to say it in front of the counselor. Since being married it cut back fairly quickly especially since having kids.
Question 4) I really can't think of any cryptically moments. No infidelity ok either side. In terms of neglect, I've tried to express to her a hundred different ways that I need her, want her, miss the physical and not just sex. That I believe focusing on each other as husband and wife will make us better parents. Any time I try to express myself she gets defensive, makes excuses, and says things like "I'm just the worst wife..."
Question 5) I cannot imagine any outside sources for her. Since having kids her libdo had seemed to dry up. When we were first married she admitted watching porn a few times baby herself but later decided she didn't like it.
My only outside source is porn. In everyday life I can't imagine getting with another girl. I do watch porn on a fairly regular basis though she doesn't know. She's expressed she didn't want me to long ago. I honestly wonder sometimes if I didn't have that release if I would have stayed faithful through years of sexual neglect.
Question 6) Since we had kids, I feel like I'm an inconvenience to her. "everyone needs something from me" and "you have no idea how tired I am". These are things she says when I just want a hug, let alone more.
I feel like, again though she hasn't said it, the weight had played into it too.
Question 7) especially before we were married the sex was great. Lots of it and fairly adventurous. In a park under a blanket during the day. Several times in a car. She initiated all the time. Our record was 9 times in 24 hours.
After the wedding it died down to 3 times per week.
Question 8) I really can't think of any elephants.
Question 9) I would say I am though I'm a pushover. I'm learning to be more assertive but I feel there's honestly no compromise. Either she gets what and wants or she's mad at me.
Question 10) Our marriage looks good when there's good communication. She comes from a large, loud family and I come from a quiet small family. She gets so over the top and very quick tempered. When there's conflict she gets so worked up and I get defensive. Recently she said I don't listen to her. I admitted that I needed to doo a better job and I'll try harder. I told her I would respond better if she could try to express herself as calmly as possible. She followed that up with, I feel like the only way I'm heard is if I'm yelling, etc.
You will probably make some quick initial gains by hitting the gym hard.
Your situation seems very fixable. Stay the course.
Out of any of my friends, with or without wives/kids I am easily out of the house the least. My friends and co-workers give me crap. I've lost touch with many friends because I feel like if I were to spend time with them over my wife and kids, even once every couple of months, she'd get mad I wasn't helping her at home. It makes me wonder, what about those 2-4 months I was home every night with her and the kids. Can I not have one night to myself?
The last time I saw any of my friends outside of my home on my own was probably 6+ months ago. I love spending time with my wife and kids but time apart is crucial to any relationship. I stress this and encourage my wife to go out with friends and stay out as long as she wants. Not because I want the same treatment but because it's refreshing to have that time away from the home and enjoy the company of your friends.
1) You're fat. You need to lose the weight and get trim. This will be one of your most effective tools with the benefit it will make you feel better. This is a RED.
2) Your wife sabotages your workouts (and probably other things). You need to tell her this is how its going to be--you need to get healthy so you have energy for the marriage and to live long. Her arguments to the contrary are invalid.
3) You need to do stuff with your friends--man stuff. Schedule it in advance, write it on the calendar for her to see and then just do it. Ignore her hamster protestations. That she doesn't have friends or find time for them in my experience is typical female behavior. That's her problem, not yours. You didn't get married to be her constant source of entertainment.
4) I suspect you are dealing with a lot of shit tests. Remember, if it sounds like a 'fetch' command and she can do it just as easily as you it's time to learn the word 'No'. She'll get mad; the anger will be fleeting and dissipate with repeated applications. I found this one tool to be very powerful.
If you haven't read the books yet do that ASAP. They will tell you exactly how to proceed.
"Treating her like a princess didn't make me a prince, it made me a servant."
Link to triage questions: http://marriedmansexlife.com/triage-your-relationship-and-the-911-er-category/
*stop complaining when I get rejected. When Athol said when a woman nags it doesn't make you want to do something more- it really put it into perspective. Our anniversary was just last weekend. She tweaked her back about a week before that though it started to get better. On our all day date she was running through the rain and retweaked it. We had a perfect date and signs were very strong that we were going to have sex that night. Later in night she said she was really sorry but would need to give me an IOU because her back was really bad. In the past I would have been butt hurt and pissy but I tried to be understanding and played it cool like I had been doing since watching these videos. It seemed to have a positive reaction. We've been getting along better and she seems more open to physical touch since I've been STFU. At night she's been open to snuggling with me cupping her tits- something she would have been annoyed at in the recent past.
*standing up to shit tests. I can't tell you how often she does these and how annoyed I get. Normally I view them as ways I can serve my wife so I try not to let it get to me. The other day she asked me to switch the laundry and get her a glass of water. I said no. The look on her face was of sheer confusion. I said that's something you're capable of doing on your own so why should I be inconvenienced. She seemed annoyed but got up and did it herself. Felt like I just won some kind of championship. Later that same night she was nursing our baby and needed something else. She asked in a playful/snarky voice. I replied that this is something I can do for her because at that moment I'm more capable than she was. I'm trying to stay consistent and it's making more more sane!
Don't wish she were different, wish you were better.
You may need to arrange some R&R for her. This is both Alpha and Beta. You set it up and tell her she IS GOING TO DO IT, both for her own sake and so that the family will be stronger (Alpha), and it's something that will help her to rest and relax, you're taking care of her (Beta).
Is she the martyr type? You can't get a babysitter because she has to be supermom and she is the only one who does everything correctly?
Diet is the key, but at 280 you need to change your entire lifestyle.
There's a message board thread on this site that deals with weight/lifting, hop on it.
Prepare for her to get pissed and test the new you even harder once you start standing up to her.
It seems like any time I try to get on a workout regimen she's on board at first, then it becomes inconvenient to her and she pushes until I stay home instead of working out."
Why do you need her on board? She doesn't need to lose weight. 90% of losing the weight is cutting calories You can cut 1/3 or your calories without any help from her It just means getting used to being hungry.
This is clearly low hanging fruit for you. And by changing your look dramatically it also shows her you have willpower. It's a DHV in the action itself (apart from the results)
Also, when you make big changes to your appearance it makes it easier to make other changes. It's like you are a new person and need to be reevaluated. It helps unstick the status quo.
Something that helped me was understanding my wife didn't know what was wrong with our marriage, just that something was. Your wife won't have a clue as to why she's not attracted to you. If you apply what you learn in the books, videos and here on the forum you can have that great quality marriage you (and your wife) desire.
Welcome aboard. Now grab a paddle and row!
Put back on course via a 'One Hour Call' with Athol. Seriously worth 10 times the cost, but don't tell him that....
“Between stimulus and response, there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.” - Victor Frankl
Good news is you came to the right place. It’s a long journey on a hard road but things will get better than you ever thought possible if you commit. Progress not perfection.
Couple of things that helped me out.
Ready Athol books and also No more Mr nice guy. Video series is also great but I like having the books a quick ref.
-Make a list of things around the house that need fixing and start knocking them out.
-Don't talk to her about lack of sex and how it makes you feel!
- Lead by example. You want her to see a doc? Be healthy. You want the house cleaner? Hey honey we are going to clean the kitchen. Ill get the floors and you get counters? If she request the floor than that’s fine who cares as long as it gets done.
-Always have an answer even if you don’t care either way just pick one. You should never answer any of her questions with “whatever you want”. A captain always has preference. You have to fill that leadership bucket.
_Wife: What do you want for dinner?
You: Options?
Wife: Chicken or steak
You: Steak
**Once you become more advance answer BJ
-Start working out, find a gym with a daycare and take the kids with your to give you wife a break (two birds with one stone). Classic 5 by 5 routine with last two set to failure at least 4 times a week.
-Work on eye contact and posture.
-Keep complaining to a bare minimum as in almost never. How many times do you hear James Bond complain?
-Work on dressing better and grooming. Don’t over spend if you’re planning on losing weight.
-Also start planning fun activities for just you and her.
- Painful sex- go buy some lube. Don’t ask her just do it and whip it out right before. (KY or coconut oil) If this doesn’t help she needs to see a doc. Also start working on other things other than sex. Surprising how nice a HJ and BJ can be when sex is off the table.
-Start a plan to get your kids out of your bed at night. May want to ask some FO about that one though.
-Snoring is prob because you are 30lb over weight. Also dairy before bed can also make you snore louder.