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Feel like I'm just a roommate to my wife

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  • SteveNVSteveNV NVMember Posts: 27
    MrBman said:
    I was recommended to this site from a friend who so far has turned around his marriage pretty drastically. I thought I would give this a shot to see if it can help us.

    My name is Mike and I'm a 32 year old husband and father to 3 kids, ages 4, 2, and 4 months. I have a mid level management job and make a fair wage though my wife doesn't work outside of the home so making ends meet can be difficult. Most of my friends would say I'm funny, loyal, and the nice guy.

    My wife and I have been married for almost 6 years and to be honest our marriage hasn't been great for several years.  Ever since we had our first child I feel like we've drifted further and further apart as a couple as her focus has been 85% kids, 15% marriage. I love my kids though I feel like to be great parents, the focus should start with a strong marital foundation.

    For the past year or two I felt like I'm nothing more than a roommate to her. Sex is rare (maybe once a month) and only happens because she feels like she has to. More than just sex I crave the connection that we once had. Hugging me now seems like a chore to her and after we kiss she wipes off her lips (she claims out is because my lips are too wet though this had never been an issue in the past). I've told her how I feel it is very disrespectful but she continues to do it

    My oldest child slept in bed with us for 2.5 years and now my youngest has moved into the bed. In the past 3 years I've probably slept in my own bed for the full night under 50 times. I should add that I snore pretty badly too so that doesn't help.

    Anytime I seek any form of affection I only get excuses as to why she can't hug/kiss/do anything sexual. Because of kids that don't sleep well, we're both usually pretty tired and short with each other.

    I feel like I'm getting better but I don't stand up for myself enough. I rarely do anything outside of the home with friend. Example: I go out with friends every 4-6 months and very rarely am gone from the house in between these outings. There have been times I've had a little too much to drink and have to crash at a friend's house. She completely trusts me though is angry I'm not home with her and the kids.  If I have to stay somewhere I'm always home early and am usually overly helpful even if I'm somewhat hung over.

    She's had issues with anxiety though claims its much better now. I feel like she's depressed though she denies it and says she's just irritated and stressed out from the kids.  Multiple times per week she gets so worked up by the kid that she basically screams "I need a break". I strongly encourage her to take time for herself. There are support systems around her but she chooses not to ask for help. She's nursing our youngest though she refuses to pump so she can get out of the house for more than a couple hours. I don't know how to help someone that won't accept or ask for help.

    My biggest fear is that we're drifting further and further apart and before we know it one of us will just want to call it quits. I don't feel either of us is even close to that right now but like I said earlier I feel like we're just roommates and I want my wife back.
    Your story is so similar to a lot of others, mine included. You are getting to this before things get too bad, that is a big plus for you. You also know where you need to improve. Obviously you need to drop the weight. Your wife is petite, which makes this an immediate issue - It's a big red flag. Forget about "dieting". Start thinking "healthy lifestyle". Whatever calories you are drinking, stop and drink water. Then start an exercise habit. My guess is diet will be 80-90% of it for you.

    You and your wife are drifting apart. The challenge for you is that she is in full-on "mommy mode". She had de-sexualized herself, you, the bed, and the entire relationship in general. She has that mother anxiety going, in addition to being exhausted. Talking to her hasn't changed anything (she still can't really kiss you). Because of the situation with the little ones, you can only do so much right now in terms of progress with her. I am in a similar position. One thing that helped me was getting my wife out on her own. I would offer to watch the kids so she can hang out with a friend and get some time away. Even though she doesn't do it often, she really appreciates it.

    Because you have such young kids, I think you need to think more of a long-term game. Get to work now, but it might take a while before you see a difference. I have had some successes with this (I have a long way to go). Having kids that young might mean you will have to ride some of this out though.
    LothbrokMrBmanKattamblrgirl
  • LothbrokLothbrok vaSilver Member Posts: 310
    I missed the fact you have a 4 month old.  I also started mapping with small children in the house.  I have two 1 and 3.   You will need to cut you wife some slack because even women with really high sex drives will lose it while b feeding.  You should keep that in mind when your assessing you progress.


    Don't get me wrong you should still see some positive results.  Especially when it comes to kissing and hugs and othere parts of your map.  Sex will still get better but you should manage your expectations.  

    Focus on your self and how she treats you. And good news is once she stops b feeding she may just surpised you.  
    AngelineCartB4Horseamblrgirl
  • MrBmanMrBman Member Posts: 7
    We had sex last weekend. I had a strong initiation and we were having fun with it, kept it light, had her laughing. Only a couple minutes in, she had to stop because she was in too much pain. She came out of the bathroom and said she was bleeding a little. We used a condom and coconut oil as a lube. After each of our kid's births we'd try using condoms and all kinds of different lives but she claims it hurts her. Eventually we pull the goalie and sex picks up some because it's not hurting her so much. She won't consider the pill or anything similar (anxiety mentioned before and says she's done her own research and come to a conclusion that it's not right for her) so it's either no condom and risk pregnancy or no sex. I still think she needs to get checked out but she seems annoyed any time I've ever brought it up.

    Sidenote, Lothbrok mentioned doing things besides sex. She won't. About 2.5 years since last BJ and probably 8 months since last HJ (HJ sometimes as foreplay). She's always been more of sex only girl.  Since kids, I understand she's too sore for sex sometimes but have said I still have needs, etc.doesn't care. I've offered on many occasions to only take care of her with no expectation she'd have to reciprocate and she's never taken me up on it.

    Today I made some lame sex joke and she opened up the conversation.  "I know I've changed since we've been married but you don't know how to get me in the mood. Like last night. How could you expect sex when I've cleaned up every night this week when you fall asleep while putting the kids to bed every night? That's not fair". Of course I didn't STFU and after hearing her out I admitted I hadn't done a great job at night lately and I don't fall to sleep on purpose.  To clarify, maybe 4 of 6 nights, some of those nights I started to help clean up but the kids go crazy and need to get in bed. I should also add that it takes our kids 1-2 hours on average (tonight, 1.5 hours so far) to go to sleep as one wants you to snuggle next to him (which is when I fall to sleep). If you try to leave the room prior to the other being asleep she'll scream bloody murder, waking the other two up.  I've recently been setting an alarm so I wake up and go out to help however, again, because it takes so long to get them to bed she had already started/finished picking up so I lose either way.

    Back to me not STFU, i asked if it was fair in her eyes that I should have to be perfect to think that sex would be an option. I reminded her for 2-3 weeks before that I cleaned up almost every night and on several occasions took the kids so she could have alone time. Things had been going well. During that time I made solid initiations and when I got turned down, didn't whine about it and played indifferent.  Surprisingly she sort of agreed with me that I shouldn't have to be and do everything perfectly to have a shot. She's big into religion and knows the bible says a wife should not deny the needs of her husband and vice versa.

    We're getting along much better since I've been STFU.  We'll see what happens.  I can only continue to focus on bettering myself and focus on acts of love because I want to, not because I want something out of it.  Sure I want the sex to pick up, but deepening our relationship is ahead of that. I fully expect as I work on myself and our relationship, sex will follow.


    ch102081Persephone
  • growingafamilygrowingafamily chicagoSilver Member Posts: 1,841
    Would she be interested in learning Natural Family Planning / Fertility Awareness? Cause there's options besides hormonal, condoms, and risking pregnancy (unless you're ok with the repeat pregnancies.. which are kinda cool for a while but sometimes we need a break.)
    tulipScarletWinterPersephone
  • MrBmanMrBman Member Posts: 7
    B. Offer to switch roles... she puts the kids

    Agree with both points. She nurses youngest so typically I'm tasked with the older two. Twice this week I put all 3 down.
  • ScarletScarlet Category Moderator** Posts: 7,542
    What kind of condoms are you using?  She may be reacting to the material.
    Speak your truth. 
    The_Dudefordsvt
  • TigerTiger SeattleCategory Moderator* Posts: 2,324
    Does she think it is normal and just part of being a parent that it takes 1.5 hours to put kids to bed? If so, do some research, gather data on what is typical. If she believes this is abnormal and a problem that needs fixing, but does not know how, then do that research. I recommend Solve Your Child's Sleep Problems: New, Revised, and Expanded, by Doctor Richard Ferber, my wife and I used this technique with our kids 18 years ago, it was really just following his simple suggestions, it's counter to every maternal instinct to protect your kids, but if you can help your wife follow the instructions, give her a way to trust that you know this will work, even if you are uncertain, by following this book you will solve this sleep problem.

    This is not the only way. There are other experts in this, Dr Ferber is the guy who helped us get there. Let me explain what bedtime was lie in the Tiger's den when it's were. 2.5 and six months. Every night dad did bathroom, mom did dishes to get a kid break every day. Then when the kids were in pjs ready for bed the call for book reading, we'd each pick one kid and read 1-2 ages agriculture boss to them, the needed to sit quietly and listen to the book. The could an a few questions, but we would not allow the why game(1). If the were talking then the consequences was no more book reading, yes the will test you to see if you are serious, you need to be fully prepared to spend two to three hours on any given night standing firm on the consequence. But rather than a wasted 1.5 hours everyday you have two or three on a day or two teaching a lesson.

    If all goes well we read for 15-20 minutes, it's then lights out if they are good and quiet during book reading then the get snuggle time, that was 5-10 minutes of mom or dad singing lullabies to them, this helps so  they can lie down and drift of to a parent as they get used to the pattern you leave before the are asleep. You are teaching them an important life skill, how to shield comfort when the wake up in the night. Kids don't get many chances took succeed don't run then of this, tech v them. The skill, my 19 & 21 year olds never had an issue after learning the Ferber methods.

    Again highly recommended. Remember you are not their friends, or their crutch, you are the parent and authority figures. Teach the lessons they need to be strong capable adults... eventually.

    Good luck this is hard stuff, good luck.

    PersephoneCartB4Horse
  • AlphamanAlphaman Silver Member Posts: 55
    How do I introduce myself when there I can not find a way to start a new thread? Please help - it's probably really obvious but I just can't see it.
  • growingafamilygrowingafamily chicagoSilver Member Posts: 1,841
    @Rik in the left side bar there is a red bar that says "new discussion".. click that.
  • AlphamanAlphaman Silver Member Posts: 55
    thanks.. - i see it now I'm sure it wasnt so easy to see before! 

  • MrBmanMrBman Member Posts: 7
    Talked to her about painful sex. Said I wanted her to get checked out because I'm worried about her.  At first she was dismissive and said it's normal. I said almost 5 months after birth is normal? Dismissive.  Because I didn't want her to just get defensive I said "I'm not trying to be dumb but is the lack of sex (2 times and 2 minutes of a third time because of the pain) the reason it's still an issue this far out?"  she said yes probably. Although my response in the past would have been something like,  "well now that we've diagnosed the problem, how do you suggest we go about solving it."  because of the little I've learned so far I STFU - I led her in the conversation down the path where she came to her own conclusion. She knows the reason it hurts so bad is self-induced.

    At any point should I reapproach the subject of her getting checked out?
  • CowboyCowboy In the South, USASilver Member Posts: 1,994
    You're getting some good advice, especially about bedtime and getting in shape. I don't want to sound obnoxious, but your weight is certainly hurting you big time, especially when she can contrast your lousy body shape to her very svelte self.
    Here's some more things you can do right now to improve your situation:
    1) Don't ask for permission to go work out. Find times that won't look like you're shirking helping with the kids and just say that you're going to do it. It may be that there is, in reality, no time that she won't harass you about, and if that's the case just pick one with the least plausible reason for her to be upset. Learn to endure her complaints better.
    2) You're orbiting her. You need to have your own hobbies again, and go out with friends. Friends and being able to do your own thing without asking are a necessity for successfully becoming the Captain. As with the exercise, find a time to do these things that won't look like you're ditching her, and again, handle it well.
    3) Without asking for permission, tell her that you're going to give her a regularly scheduled break from kids. Figure out the time ahead of time, and keep it to about two hours or so. Any less and it's not worth it; any more, and you risk looking like her bitch by becoming her nanny while she goes out on the town for hours on end.
    4) Find a good babysitter, and plan regular nights out for just the two of you. Again, DON'T ask permission, and don't tell her what you're doing beforehand. Don't act like you expect sex. Plan out the dates, make arrangements for the sitter, and make sure it's something you both will enjoy.

    Hang in there!
    "Men were designed to hunt mammoth. You need to go find your mammoth." --Serenity
    MrBmanBlackwulf
  • AngelineAngeline planting seedsCategory Moderator** Posts: 14,500
    MrsB said:
    Is your wife breastfeeding? If so, it sounds like she could have a condition called atrophic vaginitis. It's caused by a severe drop in estrogen and can make sex extremely painful. If that's the case there are estrogen creams she can use. Alternatively, she can commit to sex at least 3X a week. I had this issue with my first baby and saw a urogynecologist who basically told me to use it or lose it. One of the best things for a woman's gynecological health is frequent sex. It helps the tissues and muscles so much after having babies. Google atrophic vaginitis and show your wife the link.

    I'd really encourage you to figure out the nighttime routine. I was terrible at getting my first two kids to sleep until DH took over and laid down the law. One thing we did was give the kids some children's melatonin. This is obviously not a long term solution, but it's great for resetting their clock. We used melatonin for a few weeks and eventually they got into the habit of going to sleep easily.
    Make sure the kids get a lot of exercise everyday. I try to shoot for at least 2 hours of hard play, either at the pool or at the park. Getting out of the house will also help your wife's mood tremendously. If you guys can go to the park as a family after you get home from work, even better. I can tell you that dad's who actively play with their kids are extremely attractive. I don't know why, but I swoon watching DH rough house with the kiddos. I think it's a huge DHV

    Limit their screen time, especially in the few hours before bed. Also, make sure the lights are slightly dim in the evening. 

    This is totally an aside, but start insisting that your older children help their mother as best they can. Teach them to help set and clear the table. Some mothers over nurture their children to the point of exhaustion. Every time you see a situation where your child could learn a little independence, challenge them. When DH firmly tells one of my children to help me with something, it makes me feel so appreciated and valued. It's also so good for your child's development. Anyway, you guys sound like a great family, and with some tweaks I'm sure everything is going to work out just fine. You seem like a wonderful father and husband. Good luck with the weight loss. 
    No response to the rest of this excellent plan? Between this and @Cowboy's comment, you have an excellent MAP laid out.

    1. Get control of bedtime. No sex is going to happen with exhausted, cranky children still running around at 9pm.

    2. Get moving. Walk with the whole family. Run around outside chasing bubbles or playing a silly made up kickball game. Turn off the toys and turn on music.

    3. Get a proper diet in place and don't rely on working out to lose weight.


    "Speak your truth." - Scarlet
    Remember to play!
    Do the right thing, whether anyone is watching or not.
    Be married, until you are not.

    Email address: angeline.greenwood@att.net
    KattCowboy
  • MrsBMrsB United StatesSilver Member Posts: 328
    MrBman said:
    Talked to her about painful sex. Said I wanted her to get checked out because I'm worried about her.  At first she was dismissive and said it's normal. I said almost 5 months after birth is normal? Dismissive.  Because I didn't want her to just get defensive I said "I'm not trying to be dumb but is the lack of sex (2 times and 2 minutes of a third time because of the pain) the reason it's still an issue this far out?"  she said yes probably. Although my response in the past would have been something like,  "well now that we've diagnosed the problem, how do you suggest we go about solving it."  because of the little I've learned so far I STFU - I led her in the conversation down the path where she came to her own conclusion. She knows the reason it hurts so bad is self-induced.

    At any point should I reapproach the subject of her getting checked out?
    Personally, I would find a urogynecologist in your area, give your wife the number and tell her she needs to make an appointment. Offer to take off work and get a babysitter so you can go with her. Do not have her see the OB who delivered your children, because there's always a chance the OB didn't properly suture a vaginal tear or something and she might be reluctant to admit that she made a mistake.  I think it's fine if you take the lead and tell her she needs to do this. She shouldn't be suffering during sex! 
    BlackwulfAngelineHildaCornersCowboy
  • LazyAlphaLazyAlpha Silver Member Posts: 640
    2 for 1 plan: Give mom a break AND get some exercise by playing with the kids.  Take them to the park and climb on the monkey bars with them.  Or go for a bike ride.  Or just chase them around in the back yard.  Make it a regular part of the routine. 

    (Letting yourself play like a kid will make you happier too).
       

     

    AngelineWinterCowboytulip
  • ch102081ch102081 United StatesGold Men Posts: 1,042
    edited September 2015
    There are a lot of gyms that have child care.  Join one of those,  bring the kids,  and kill two birds with one stone.  You get to work out,  she gets a break.  She would have nothing to complain about then, besides having a hot in shape  husband that gets too much attention.
    KattWinterCowboyfordsvt
  • JellyBeanJellyBean Sunny SoCalGold Women Posts: 5,054
    On the subject of kids bedtime routine:

    Do not underestimate the power of aroma! You can get a large bottle of lavender essential oil on Amazon for cheap. Incorporate a few drops into the bath water. Dribble a drop or two in the pillow. Put a drop into some lotion and rub it on baby's skin. Soon the association of lavender with bedtime will become deeply embedded and will create automatic response. "I smell lavender, it must be time for bed!"  Olfactory associations are primal and powerful. Don't believe me? Stick your nose in a brand new box of Crayola crayons. Presto -- first grade!

    http://www.amazon.com/Lavender-Essential-Oil-Therapeutic-Bulgaria/dp/B00QQOERJE
    Enneagram type 9w1
    Persephoneshibari
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