Saying Goodbye To A Pet

Purple

We have a dog that is just over 9 years old. He was diagnosed with blood cancer in April, and we opted not to have it treated - he's an older dog and this type of cancer is not often treated successfully anyway.

The information on the cancer that the vet sent home with us told us what sorts of symptoms to watch for - coughing, favoring a leg/limping, bleeding, weight loss, loss of appetite, etc. They said that most dogs succumb to the cancer within 6-12 months of diagnosis

He's had a few very good months with almost no obvious signs of the cancer besides a new tumor which appeared on his back leg. Now in the past month or so he's started coughing a little bit and is occasionally favoring one of his front legs. We recently told some friends who came over that he was sick and they didn't look like they really believed us.

I lost a couple of dogs when I was a child, but I was far too young to have any sort of a say in their ending. I've not lost a dog since growing up, so this'll be the first one that I feel like I'm responsible for, and its the same situation for my husband actually... he hasn't been responsible for this decision in his adult life, either. I don't want him to suffer - and my husband and I have agreed that we'd rather have him put down when he starts losing quality of life. I keep thinking the moment when we "know" its time to say good-bye will be really obvious, but I don't know. Does it happen that way? Do you just know that its time?

And how do you help kids through this? Our 6 year old knows that the dog is sick and that his time is winding down. He's asked a lot of questions, and I've explained as honestly as I can. I fear that I've done the wrong thing by telling him that the dog is dying, but I couldn't bear to lie to him either and the tumor removal etc was a very obvious thing that took a couple of weeks for the dog to recover from - the kid asked questions about what was going on, and I was (gently) honest with him, because I felt at the time (and still feel now) that its the only way to handle this.

But as we are non-religious... do I feed him some line about "doggy heaven" (which I don't believe in) or what? Death is something that even I don't truly understand, and I've lost plenty of people in my life. I don't know how to explain it to a child.

UnBetaMe

Following this with interest as I have a 11 year old dog that is in good health, but I've always wondered how I will deal with the kids when the time comes.

Beatrice

When you know your pet is terminal, taking to the vet that last time is better done sooner than later. Pets will suffer pain with no complaint and the last thing you want is for your pet to suffer.  I am not telling you to rush this, just that you have to remember that you want most of all to be kind to the pet. I think it is more common for people to let the pet live too long rather than end it too soon

I was always fairly honest with the kids. If they asked if they would see their pet again, I always said that I don't know because we don't know everything.  

Make your decisions about the end of your dog's life now. I stay with mine while they are put to sleep.  I can't bear to leave mine at the vet, so I always bring the body home and make my husband dig the hole for them. I wish I could do it differently, but I can't.  

RebuildingHusband

We had to put down my oldest dog 2 days before my first son was born. My W and I inherited this dog from her mom when she passed away. She (the dog) was the last daily living reminder of her mom (we don't see her family very often). It was a very hard thing for both of us to let go. We did wait too long. The dog was struggling for months and I tried to talk W into it but with the baby coming she wanted to try and wait. I respected her wishes because of the extreme sentimental and emotional value that this dog represented for both of us. 

The he day finally came when she agreed with me that it was time. Her sister is a vet so she opened the clinic for us on a Saturday and we had all the time we needed. My wife hasn't seen me cry often but we both did that day. I am thankful to have had the opportunity to hold that dog as she drifted off. It isn't completely peaceful as there's some kicking and shaking so I wouldn't have a small child there when it is done. 

The moral of the story is that you will know when it is time. And you'll look back and realize that you selfishly waited longer than you should have. But I think that's okay. That dog tried and tried to hide her suffering because she was supposed to be the one to accept and console, not be consoled. She was a damn good dog. We both mention every now and then how much we miss her. 

Snow_Phoenix

I can't speak to the kids question but I've been through the saying goodbye part several times now.  We had one dog that had a degenerative disease and I was worried that I wouldn't know when it was time and that I'd wait too long.  What we did was pick three things that meant good quality of life for our boy (playing ball, controlling bodily functions and his love of eating).  When he couldn't do two of them anymore it was time.  We booked the appointment at the end of the day so that the clinic would be empty and we wouldn't have to go anywhere after besides home.  We chose cremation and got a paw print cast done as well.  All of our dogs have passed easily when their time came but I have heard of others that fight the sedation and I imagine that could be quite traumatic for a child (or even adult) to see.  For me not being with them at the end is not an option.  

I'm sorry you are in this place and have the tough decision ahead of you but if you make that decision with your dog's best interest in mind it will be the right one.  Make the most of the time you have left together...lots of treats and pictures.

Angeline

I had to do this within the last year with my old girls. One was 18 and one was 19, and they had been together for 17 of those years, but for both, up until the last few months they were eating, playing and happy to go on walks and ride in the car. The first one went downhill in a hurry, and it was easy and obvious to make the decision. The second one was the hard one. She'd been my first dog that I picked, and she was a connection to the child I'd lost. And, she still seemed very happy and perky, and eating and eliminating just fine. But she was getting lost out in the back yard, she was frail and had fallen down the hill (causing Cdr. Awesome, who pretended not to like either one, to put up a landscaping fence so it wouldn't happen again), and I was terrified she'd wander out and get stuck and die, alone and panicked, while no one was home. I also was avoiding going on trips to see family, etc., because I didn't want her to go while I was gone.

So it came down to the best day to make it comfortable and peaceful for her. We went on a long walk, she had treats she never got (unless she stole them) like some bacon, and a few bites of pizza. The home vet whom she loved came to our house (peaceful, private euthanasia is a large part of their business) and eased her peacefully out of this life and on to whatever is next, lying comfy in the sunshine on her favorite blanket and her people pillow.

I had terrible doubts the whole time I was doing it, because objectively, she was still doing OK. But at 19, she wasn't going to get better, and the chances for something really terrible and upsetting were high. I look back on that day now very comfortable and peaceful with my decision, even though I really fought down the last minute urge to call it off.

frillyfun

We need a crying like a baby button...what a beautiful doggy.

I'll second what the others are saying about not waiting too long.  I couldn't make the call when my old Mamma dog got sick, and she spent her last few days in pretty bad shape (we were doing interventions to save her) instead of the peaceful goodbyes the other dogs in this thread got.

forestleaf

@Purple, I'm sorry about your dog.  What @Snow_Phoenix said about quality of life is right on; that's very close to what I tell my clients.  When their bad days outnumber their good days, that's when you should think about calling it.  Euthanasia is a good death for them.  You don't want to do it too early, of course, but you don't want to wait too long, either.  Your vet can help you make the decision.  You'll probably know in your heart when it's a good time.  Also, be aware that if you're not interested in chemotherapy, there are still some good drugs that can help your dog feel better, improve quality of life, address pain, etc.  Which kind of blood cancer is it?

There's no easy way to tell the kids, either, but most kids handle it surprisingly well.  Usually they don't show enough emotion for their parents, and move on rather rapidly.  There seem to be few overly emotional kids.  My own personal decision about the death of my pets is that I want my children to witness it and understand it.  I don't want their first experience with death to be the death of a relative; I'd rather it be the death of a pet.  We were sure to let my children spend some time with my cat last summer before I put him to sleep, and then let them see the body after.  They did fine with it (ages 8 and 5 at the time). 

The only other thing I'll say is that of course the whole experience is utterly heartbreaking, but when you have a terminally ill pet, there is a small release when they finally pass.  The heart-wrenching pain is still there, but there's a subtle difference and relief that comes at their passing. 

I'm sorry for what you're going through.

SaigoTakamori

Purps and Everyone sorry you have this pain, these furry folks bring So Damn much to us, unfair it is so short amount of time.

As for when is the right time, may sound dumb , but pets have a much better grasp over life and death than we humans do.. Have you Asked Him  to tell you when he is done?  Let him know you love and cherish him, but it is ok when he is done.

As for 6yr old I concur with @RebuildingHusband   there can be some kicking even through the sedative. I would still he honest "bubba is sick and we dont want him to suffer" 

Hope that helps

Katt

So sad all the way around here

I have literally seen my hubs cry twice in 17 years together - both were animal deaths.     The first was a dog my husband already had when we met and she passed a couple of years into our relationship and so no kids involved.   We lost a very beloved cat about 2 years ago - the kids were very young (4 and 2 at the time).   We were actually getting ready to take him to the vet to be put down when he peacefully drifted off on his own lying on our bed. We probably should have taken him a bit sooner (although his decline was short and dramatic so he didn't suffer long) but he spent his last night laying on his human soul mate (my hubs)'s chest (btw my hubs says he's not a cat person but the evidence says otherwise  ).   The kids were a bit sad and confused but we just explained that when animals get old and sick, they go to pet heaven so they don't have to feel bad anymore but we can always remember them.    He is buried in our side yard.    The kids didn't take it nearly as badly as we did.   Perhaps if they were older it would have been harder for them; I can't say.   

Our oldest cat now is 16 and still doing well knock on wood.  

Purple

Took me ages to even post the original post because it got me so upset and I struggled with typing coherent thoughts and not just blubbering sadness

Thank you for all the responses!

@Angeline, beautiful. Thank you for sharing the pictures and your story about them.

@forestleaf, I honestly cannot recall the type of blood cancer he has and I have no idea where we put that paper that had the tumor test results on it. It was some really long word, which probably doesn't help any! I do need to call and get him some pain meds, even though at this point I cannot tell that he's in any pain, although I suppose when he's favoring the front leg it means it doesn't feel great.



Overall, I would rather say good-bye to him too soon rather than too late, but then I feel guilty because I will never know how much time he would have had. Guilt is a useless emotion, and its making everything so much harder. Me being pregnant and especially hormonal and prone to bawling my eyes out is not helping.

@SaigoTakamori
That doesn't sound dumb at all. I talk to my dogs constantly, as though they were able to answer back. I've told this dog that I want to make him feel better, and that he needs to let me know if its time, but all I get are big sad eyes in return. He has very expressive eyes, but I don't see anything (yet?) that says he's ready. I can tell that he's not feeling in tip-top shape anymore. But he still seems to feel pretty decent.


My husband and I have not discussed what we'll do afterwards - if we'll cremate or let the vet take care of his body. But we will definitely get his paw print, and I think for our sons it would be good if we had him cremated, then buried him in the yard with a little funeral. 

Since he was diagnosed, I've been taking pictures of him every chance I get, especially pictures of him with the kids. I'm planning to have these printed out and put them in a little memory photo album with his name tag.

I'm all upset again. I'll come back to this later.

Purple

OK, some deep breathing, reading through the funny pictures thread to laugh a bit, and a cup of hot chocolate has helped me settle down a little!

There's never a good time for things like to this to happen, and I think part of my fretting about it is that school starts back up next week, so this is DEFINITELY going to cause some sort of hiccup with school for kid #1, if not with preschool for kid #2. Part of me had been sort of hoping that he would go during the middle of the summer so that there was time to grieve and adjust, but it would have been way too soon.

Then of course, I'm nearly 30 weeks pregnant, and I can't imagine how that is going to work out. Losing their very first pet and getting a new sibling all so close together could be a challenge, even if both boys are very excited about the new sibling... the idea and the reality of it could clash a bit. To me it just seems like a lot going on all at once, and in an ideal world I would have spaced it all out a bit more for them (and for me, TBH) so that they could adjust to one big thing before having another thrown at them. But I was already pregnant when the dog was diagnosed.

The dog could, of course, shock us all and hang in there for a lot longer than I'm imagining... and then there would be the natural spacing of events. He has certainly done much better than I thought he would - I figured that we'd be saying our farewells in June... and here we are in August and there's only a couple of signs that he is even sick at all.

I'm just waiting for his signal, I guess. I just hope that its obvious when its time, and I hope I'm strong enough not to wait too long. This is one part of adulting that I really, really fucking hate.

Angeline

Prednisone is a wonderful thing ... my vet was kinda hesitant until I said "look, it isn't like she's going to get cancer from it ... if it makes her feel better for whatever time she has left, please let her have it." They're so gun-shy about the long term effects of steroids and pain killers, they sometimes forget that some of these pups don't have a long term. Make sure they're not being too conservative with the meds.

soa2005

@Purple ;


"I fear that I've done the wrong thing by telling him that the dog is dying, but I couldn't bear to lie to him "

My dog was extremely sick and unable to empty his bladder so I had to have him put down. My marriage was in a really bad place at the time. My kids didn't know the specifics but kids are perceptive so they realized something was up between mom and dad. I didn't tell my kids that I had our dog put asleep, partly because I felt they had enough to deal with (the constant arguing and unhappiness between my wife and I was making life unpleasant for everyone). The other part of my decision was purely selfish. My marriage was in the shitter and I didn't know how to deal with the kids grief on top of all the other problems going on. 

I lied to my kids and told them our dog was moving to a farm that had other dogs to play with and tons of room to run around. They were sad he was leaving but seemed comforted by the lie I told them. I let them say their goodbyes and I took him to the vets. 

Your decision to be honest with your children about the situation is definitely the right way to handle it. I try not to dwell on my regrets but this is one that is hard to shake. The death of a family pet is difficult but I hope you can find some comfort in the fact that you're handling it the right way with your children.

Mongrel

I've had to go through this 4 times so far in my marriage (we have 2-3 dogs at any moment). It does get a bit easier to recover each time but the actual deed is difficult. When we had to put our first dog down (fuck you, cancer) it was the most devastating personal experience of my life. A part of me really did die with that dog and I had a very hard time moving on from it. When I finally allowed another dog into the house I wound up with World's Most Devoted Dog. I thought Dog #1 was an amazing specimen but WMDD spent her entire life proving to me that she wanted to be the dog I'd remember for all time. I dedicated one of my books to her (a story about the afterlife and how we cling to things too long).

Where was I going with this? Sorry...

The most difficult thing is knowing when it is time. Sometimes it is terribly obvious. Sometimes it is terribly difficult. The ones we struggled with the most were 'the body is done but the mind is still bright'. It is very hard to euthanize a creature that looks at you with complete clarity vs one that has no clue where they are. As others have noted though, you need to do the Quality Of Life assessment. Its a cold way to regard an animal's existence but this is what we are tasked with as caretakers.

We are always there for the final moments. I simply cannot comprehend those people who will leave their pet with the vet and go home but I try not to be critical. Some folks simply can't tolerate that level of anguish. Our vet is really good at making euthanasia as comfortable for everyone as possible. A good vet vs and indifferent one can make all the difference.

We choose cremation and being able to bring home that little wooden box really helps for reasons I can't explain or understand. We have quite the collection now residing on bookshelves in places where we spend our time...places where the dogs always were.

Can't help you much with regards to your kids but I know I was around 13 when we had to put my childhood companion down and I was there for it. Sad day, but glad I was part of the process and it prepared me (better, but not adequately) for doing the same thing as an adult.

never_again

Rather than at the vet clinic, you might want to ask your vet about a home euthanasia.  Especially if your dog is stressed by vet visits. 

You can also ask the vet about sedation before the euthanasia.  That can control some of the twitching etc., which also doesn't happen all the time. 

My son was 15 when we had to euthanize his beloved Sparky.  They were together from the time he was a baby and were inseparable.  We gave him the choice of being there or not (at home euthanasia) and he chose not to but I remember finding his "blankie" lining the bottom of the small coffin that I'd built for her to be buried in our yard.  They'd played tug of war with it their whole lives together.

Damn, it's dusty in here today.

SignorePillolaRossa

hey purple
sorry to read it - i am not an animal loving person, but i know from observation that the feelings folks feel when a pet is sick/dies are very strong and i have great compassion for those experiencing that ... i hope that this passes quickly for you all and that you can be left with happy memories of all that love shared

i didnt read any other responses in this thread yet, so someone mightve already suggested this ...

as far as the kids go, i think it is best to tell them straight out that you don't really know what to think about death, that, to you, it's kinda an unknowable mystery  and the best way to deal with it it to be kind to people who are dealing with it and lean on each other  for support and comfort and just get through it and move forward in life ... i wouldn't talk about doggy heaven if you don't believe in it ...

i think it is very common for parents to want to provide answers for kids, especially on 'big' topics ... but i have found that i have enjoyed quite a few moments in parenting that started with me telling my sons (18 and 21 now) that i don't know something (even if i did know or at least believe something on the topic) ...  asking them questions to set them to thinking for themselves ... letting them know that its ok to get to a point where you dont quite know what to think and come back to it some time in the future instead of perseverate on it in the present

just 2 cents - best of luck

Purple

@soa2005 ; 

Thank you for the honest story!

My parents were always honest with my siblings and I about death and dying, and I'm grateful for it, even moreso now that I understand  how hard this type of honesty is. The instinct to shield our children from these type of things is very strong. I just want to hover over them and protect them from the Big Bad World. I hadn't really thought about how we would handle deaths in our family/life with the children until this dog got sick.

Telling them anything but the truth wasn't really an option for me, but my husband wanted to lie to them about it. I shut it down so hard that it shocked both of us. For one, I am a terrible liar. Terrible. I can barely keep secrets about things like Christmas presents. There is no way I could lie to them with any sort of a straight face AND live with myself after.

But I also just thought about how they are bound to discover or realize the truth at some point, and how detrimental that could be to our relationship.

I also have to admit - when my dad died, my mom was not there for us kids. She is a wonderful mother in a lot of ways, but she gets a big fat F for how she managed things in the early months after he died. We had to figure out the grief on our own, which is unfair to a child who has lost a parent. It caused serious damage to the youngest sister, who was 10 at the time, who I think is still recovering.....its been more than a decade.

So with that in mind, and as I have to see a silver lining in everything... a pet's death is hard. Its going to be hard on me, its going to be hard on my husband (even if he claims it won't be) and its going to be hard on the kids. But it is an opportunity for me to learn how to help them grieve. It is an opportunity for me to learn how to guide them through this type of pain, so that we aren't all desperately groping for the path in the dark when something much bigger and much more detrimental happens. 

Purple

@never_again  I had no idea that there was even such a thing as home euthanasia... everybody I know has always brought their pet into the vet. I'll explore my options with this one. This dog travels well, and loves car rides and doesn't even mind going to the vet, but it may be something to keep in mind for future decisions, if its even an option in our area.

@SignorePillolaRossa
That is excellent advice! I hate not having answers for them, but without religion as a guide... things like this were bound to come up! I can answer the physical part for them - that a body decomposes or is cremated, etc. But the spark, the spirit that makes a person? I just don't know. And while I'm usually OK with not knowing... maybe I need to be OK with not having all the answers, too.

My goal with the kids has always been to let them choose their own spiritual path, I just never considered until now what that would mean for understanding and accepting deaths.

Angeline

Home euthanasia was what we did too.
The more rural you are, the more likely it is that the vets will come to you.

Avalinette

I wouldn't raise the concept of doggy soul etc with the kids at all, rather describe death only from the physical point of view: 'doggy is going to die, death means his body will stop moving, he won't run, bark etc, his heart will stop beating etc, he won't be sad or in pain or hungry or lonely etc ever again.' I would probably want to give my kids a chance to see the dead body...though I'm not sure...I think the dead body would give them closure and help them understand what's happened and that doggys not coming back.