Hanni's MAP

HanneloreHannelore MidwestSilver Member Posts: 330
Hello

I lurked on here 2012/13, then was an active member 2013/14.  Long story short, my husband's failed business and health problems--plus my poor reaction to those bumps--created some stress in our marriage.  We're good now <3 I quit the forum because it was becoming a distraction after we got through our initial crisis, but I continued working on a MAP on and off, updating every 3 months. 

I won't fill out a complete triage, but here's some basic information: Both early 30s, married 9 years, higher than average number of kids between the ages of 6 weeks and 8 years. I'm at home with the children, home school the older ones, and tutor 3-5 hours a week. Husband is in a field that can demand a lot of hours, but he's doing waaay better at managing his time. 

When the Captain and I first discussed our 'life goals' back in the day, before marriage and kids, before adulthood and reality knocked us around a bit, I said I wanted to be someone who is "joyful and wise."

That's still true, and hopefully I can remember that as a follow and adapt my MAP as our marriage and family grows and changes.


9w1/5w6 intp


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Comments

  • HanneloreHannelore MidwestSilver Member Posts: 330
    I'm jumping right into monkeys and will post my full outline when it's not bedtime.

    Had a baby, and 6 weeks post dinner and laundry are back to routine. This week I'm going to introduce daily exercise and getting the dishes done every day. Dishes are a long time red.

    That's it.


    9w1/5w6 intp


    MissMissy
  • MariaMaria EuropeCategory Moderator** Posts: 5,323
    Hi and welcome back!
    _____________________________________________________________________________
    If you want us to be unapologetically feminine, be unapologetically masculine.
    KattTiger_LilyHanneloreAngeline
  • KattKatt USASilver Member Posts: 4,554
    Good to see you again :)
    Hannelore
  • fordsvtfordsvt Canada Eh!Silver Member Posts: 2,300
    Welcome back.  
    I think you should fill out a complete triage to gain the help and direction you need. 

    Into Phase 3..

    Those Who Dare......Win.   "What gives you fear today...Gives you Strength tomorrow.."

  • HanneloreHannelore MidwestSilver Member Posts: 330

    Fitness, Food, Health

    reds       
    • schedule full physical and get inhaler prescription
    • resume daily exercise (post partum routine + walking dog in the morning)
    • twice day flossing
    • pelvic tilts and kegels

    yellows
    • long-term exercise plan
    • drink more water (do fine in the morning, but taper off in the afternoon)
    • only eating foods prepared at home, except on date nights
    • go to bed by 11 (work back to 10, eventually) 
    • less sugar 
    • establish a productive garden (this would span a lot of MAP categories--exercise, personality/preference, food, money). We have the garden beds and the compost. I can plant perennial plants this Fall
                  
    greens  
    • not overweight (back to pre-pregnancy weight)
    • teeth fine (gingivitis on my dad's side, so trying to be proactive)
    • eat very well when I'm eating meals prepared at home  
                  
    Goals: strengthen lungs and diaphragm/posture, abs and back, better leg and pelvis flexibility for sex, get my floor tightened, eat meals at home almost exclusively.  
    Other stuff: I found out about 6 months ago I had low iron (not anemic), but supplements and upping my iron-rich intake hasn't been a problem, so I'm just making note of it here, instead of putting it on my MAP. Sometimes it's hard to know when "fatigue" is a just the normal mom kind, and when it's a health issue. My bloodwork says my thyroid is fine, which was a concern.  My asthma seems to have returned at the end of this pregnancy. I manage it fine, but it would be a good idea to have medicine on hand if I need it, especially as it gets colder

    We were also in a bad car accident a few weeks after I delivered.  That slowed down recovery, I think (then we got the stomach flu...). I didn't have to go to the hospital or ER, but my knee still has fluid on it, and I was sore for weeks.

    Money and Materials

    reds 

    • widen margin of monthly budget that can go into savings or secondary "needs"
    • house care, everywhere--need to make a realistic list of what can be done cheaply and easily. 
    • Declutter, probably my biggest red. I'm not a chronic hoarder or packrat, but the number of people in this house, and increased activity as the children get older, is competing with the stuff and testing my sanity.
    • Create a cleaning schedule. I finally automatically wash sheets and hang them on the line on Fridays; also vacuum the house and deep clean the bathrooms on Fridays. Kids help with this. Need to work more on daily pick-up/cleaning schedules during the other days of the week.

    yellows:
    • grocery budget (just moved from reds! The Captain took over this while he was on paternal leave, and the last 2 shopping trips I also have been able to keep under our $150 a week budget)
    • continue to pay down debt (this is going really well, even though we had to take out a small loan to get a new van
    • Fix simple household things, clean up the yard (great fall project for me)
    • start preparing for future big expenses: roof (still), laptop, second car (?), Ford Transit in a few years 
    • Work on aesthetic appeal in the house. I'm always pushing little projects aside I would like to do because they aren't necessarily, and well, look, there's 3 days worth of dishes! But I want our children to remember beautiful things in the house. And I want our house to be a restful place for me, since I spend most of my time here

    greens
    • kind of in no-spending-at-all mode.
    • beautiful house I love, love, love; relatively few problems for being 90 years old
    • Captain has a good job, I've picked up more tutoring/teaching (one private and two full classes once a week), and that money will go toward debt
    • plenty of sources of entertainment/leisure at home
     Goals:  Have emergency fund (need to replenish); save for specific future needs; have x months' income in savings; be actually, consistently frugal instead of head-knowledge frugal or sometimes-frugal (doing much better with this); meet often to go over what we spent/weekly to review budget for accountability (check); start taking better care of our house and stuff therein 
    9w1/5w6 intp


    fordsvt
  • HanneloreHannelore MidwestSilver Member Posts: 330
    Displaying High Value

    reds
    • Really dependent on my husband leading for me to do anything
    • Impatient; work on steady and slow
    • Be more self-sufficient.  Not necessarily financially, but more with  caring for the house (including "husband" tasks), making business calls, doing stuff w/o my husband, etc.  
    • Internet limits!! No computer on or phone browsing while the kids are awake.  Only games or movies with husband after they are in bed.  Browsing, replying to email only in the morning, before everyone awakes, or designated "work times" 


    yellows

    • Stop being late to everything, procrastinating
    • Be hospitable.  This was a goal when we first got married--always have our home open--but with my housekeeping I've ended that single-handedly.  H leads pretty well when he just says he invited someone over, and it's ok, and he helps me get ready (and it's always ok).  
    • Some basic grooming  (nails, hair etc.) and wearing makeup more
    • attitude (either tantrum or malaise/despair/sloth) when we hit a bump in the upward trajectory. This has improved and moved from from red
    • consistent boundaries (kids, neighbors, mom). 

    greens
    • general appearance 
    • very laid back and don't hold grudges or have any "enemies."  I have a relaxed, forgiving personality (sometimes this is a weakness); husband and I have fun together and enjoy each other's company
    • I'm well read
    • I empathize 



    Goals:  Have a life apart from my husband that contributes to our marriage and introduces the world to my children, if that makes sense.  (And that world can have nothing to do with the internet.  Internet makes for bad, lazy hobbies and bad writing and speaking habits and all kinds of evil).  We are mutually bored with the dumb stuff we report to each other from our favorite blogs/forums, etc.  If one of us starts reading more real books, like we used to, perhaps the other will follow.  (<--- I wrote this when I first put together a MAP over a year ago. It's still true, but we both are reading a lot more and the relapses are fewer and farther between)

    Relationship Comfort

    reds

    • Trying to to catch up on housework all in one day, either to show my love or superiority (I'm crazy like that)
    • Lazy (easy to let others excuse me because I have a lot of young children, but my sisters know the truth, lol)
    • Not addressing areas where could easily show love for my husband (I know what these are, I just "save" them for after MY red stuff is finished.); 
    • Our "date night/I love you" habits of food and vegging. Not as much junk food anymore, but date night still is usually a movie. While Captain was home for paternity leave we played a lot of games after the kids were asleep, which was fun
    • Being short/impatient with the kids when I'm frustrated with my husband (big dlv to him, and unfair to the kids). This is probably my biggest red in Relationship Comfort


    yellows

    • Not speaking my mind when it counts, or ever, which is frustrating for everyone (moved from red--getting a lot better at this, and seeing the positive results, even if they are not immediate)
    • I have no idea what his love language is (except having clean laundry and food that is bad for him--see above); 
    • I can be thoughtlessly frank or even rude when I'm responding to something I disagree with (but bad at initiating an important conversation myself);
    • Do a better job listening, instead of responding absent-mindedly, especially with the kids 
    • I can be defensive when others level (helpful) criticisms at those close to me. (The positive side of this is loyalty, the negative is "hiding" my husband's flaws or not accepting help for our marriage from others who care for us and our children)  

    greens

    • I try to always be positive during the week (working on my weekend attitude)
    • give lots of kisses and touch, eagerly snuggle and spend time husband and kids
    • almost always ready for sex
    • I'm very loyal (to all friends and relatives)
    Goals: Some days we just seem really annoyed with each other, but not facing the reasons why.  I would like to work on my beta toward dh (normal housewife stuff I severely suck at), but also feel more free to tell him when I'm upset.  I would also like to put on paper how we spend our time together throughout the week (even if it says "free time" for a 2-hour block), so we don't have second-guesses or surprises, especially on the weekends.  As for the kids, do more leading and initiating how the day goes instead of responding to a string of incidences. This means structuring the day more, which isn't my personality, but we need that to happen for the day to be peaceful.
    9w1/5w6 intp


  • HanneloreHannelore MidwestSilver Member Posts: 330


    Personality and Preferences

    reds

    • lazy, passively wait for dh to lead--or show enthusiasm-- to do anything (this is better, but still red)
    • too much screen time; unorganized, wasted weekends
    • need to rediscover some personal hobbies
    yellows

    • self-conscious about my house, but not as bad as I used to be--could both do better with the house AND not caring
    • don't capitulate to stronger personalities (this also fits in my dhv category) when I want something a certain way, but well-intentioned people are offering "help". This isn't husband, but some other relatives.
    greens:  I know what I want to do and work toward as an individual, wife, and mother

    Goals  Be self-disciplined and patient.  I know what I want, I'm just incapable right now of realizing those goals because of my character flaws. 

    High Energy Sex

    reds
    • husband's health, but that's on his map, not mine. It's more orangey than red. Or maybe flashes back and forth between yellow and yellow-y green
    • kegels  (10 every time I sit down to nurse or at stoplights)

    yellows
    • keep up with exercise and the kegels
    • as I become more flexible, try out some new stuff
    • arm/wrist strength so I can not get tired at the end of hjs  (haha, I'm so weak...)

    greens: Better at bjs (moved from yellow), very satisfied, when everything's working properly. We have a lot of fun, both with the comfortable, usual stuff and the longer, exploratory sessions

    Goals:  More often as we're coming out of the new baby period. Exercise so able to do more without getting cramps or stiff. 
    9w1/5w6 intp


  • HanneloreHannelore MidwestSilver Member Posts: 330
    Thanks, @fordstv. Our particular circumstances would make us pretty identifiable by people who know us, so I won't post a triage now. If I feel I need particular marriage advice, I will though!

    Part of the reason I deleted my old account is I wanted to recommend the site to friends and acquaintances. I have, so people I actually know could be reading this.  


    9w1/5w6 intp


    MrsJonfordsvt
  • MrsJonMrsJon ColoradoSilver Member Posts: 466
    Hi @Hannelore ;   Welcome back!   You have been missed.
    Great job laying out your updated MAP, it looks like you have a good handle on the things you need to work on. Awareness of your own issues is always a good thing.

    I went looking for my dreams outside of myself and discovered, it's not what the world holds for you, it's what you bring to it.  
           Anne Shirley - Anne of Avonlea
                                              
  • missesnesbitmissesnesbit californiaMember Posts: 241
    Great map! You have a lot of things on your map that I'm also currently working on. I look forward to learning from your own progress :) 
  • growingafamilygrowingafamily chicagoSilver Member Posts: 1,841
    Oh hey it's you! If I'm doing my math right you're all caught up to me with kids now.
    Hannelore
  • HanneloreHannelore MidwestSilver Member Posts: 330
    One of my goals this week is to finish what I'm working on. The satisfaction of completing something doesn't happen enough. I think experiencing that reward more often will compel me to finish more (and maybe work faster).

    I walked every day this week, but didn't do the post partum exercises. I also did fair with dishes.

    I wrote my meal plans and shopping list tonight and went over lessons/agenda for private tutoring tomorrow and teaching two classes on Tuesday. 

    Husband, baby and I are going out of state this weekend. I'm feeling anxious about it. It's an annual event with old college friends. 

    This week:
    exercise daily
    make hair appointment
    go to bed at 10 every night (will make 11 tonight)


    9w1/5w6 intp


    MrsJon
  • HanneloreHannelore MidwestSilver Member Posts: 330
    Had a good weekend with friends. I was a lot more relaxed than last year.

    We start school this week. For this reason, I'll keep my extra projects and activities low maintenance.

    Had a productive planning session (he initiated) today with the Captain about his 2 year professional plan, and how that will affect home life. I gave some practical advice that will help us both, I think.

    This week: want to continue finishing what I begin (better 1 finished job than 10 unfinished...), and add to that: smile when I enter a room where someone is, even if I do it 45 times a day, just for the kids. 

    This Week's Monkeys:
    -fix laptop/Skype volume problem
    -clean out school shelf (again)
    -dinner prep (chopping, etc) done by 1pm each day, or whole meal in the crockpot

    Today:
    -spend time with kids
    -lay out clothes and prepare lunches for tomorrow
    -sort laundry


    9w1/5w6 intp


    MrsJonamblrgirlAvalinette
  • HanneloreHannelore MidwestSilver Member Posts: 330
    Got all my monkeys last week accomplished!  Except the school area is a mess again....

    SO, this week (1/2 week?) monkeys

    1) reconfigure whole school setup so it doesn't end in a mess
    2) put things away during school (better yet, kids put away) after finished. I know, super simple...
    3)make appointment re: irregular mole
    4) continue to make weekends positive. A particular situation that has caused tension for years between H and me has been easily resolved--hopefully that will help. 
    5) write out plan/timeline to move book/den to "toy" room, and open now den as another bedroom. Fun monkey. Yay!

    Besides finishing what i start, I need to place things right away where I will use them next. Eg it would be good if I am not gathering all this crap from all over the house late Monday night for homeschool group on Tuesday (and then just dumping what I bring home Tuesday night in the mad rush to make dinner). So simple, but my thought process hasn't been trained that way I guess (by me, I mean...not blaming anyone)

    our neighborhood had our annual huge alley garage sale, and I didn't buy anything. Actually, I put a bunch of stuff on the curb that night. 

    Marriage front going well. Productive fight/discussion/communicating on Sunday. Budget going awesome. Only walking right now in the morning, but that's a solid routine. 
    9w1/5w6 intp


    KattAngeline
  • AvalinetteAvalinette In the kitchenSilver Member Posts: 1,316
    I feel for you on the disorganised/ untidy front. I sometimes feel like I have a mental block that won't allow me to be a tidy person/ put things where they should be rather than dumped on the nearest surface...so when you solve it, let me know...
    Hannelore
  • AvalinetteAvalinette In the kitchenSilver Member Posts: 1,316
    Also, hello and welcome back @hannelore. I like your new name.
    Hannelore
  • HanneloreHannelore MidwestSilver Member Posts: 330
    Been too busy to spend too much time on here!

    Oldest son is dealing with some tummy problems (treated some constipation a few weeks ago), and now he's regular, but has all this anxiety going to the bathroom. He's afraid he'll have to sit too long and will miss out on something fun. He spends more time being upset over it and needing moral support from me, than actually going.

    I say all this because it's disrupting our morning routine, big time. He's doing a good job with diet and exercise.When he's playing he completely forgets, but during quieter times, or when he has to do something he doesn't like, that's all he thinks/worries about. He's not using it as a tactic, but is genuinely anxious. Any advice? I'm trying to be sympathetic, gentle and comforting, but I need to figure out how to help him get past this. (The pediatrician is happy with his soft, regular stools.)

    In other news, our dog escaped the kennel...twice! We board him at a place out in the country, so he had a nice frolic and wasn't in too much danger. The owners were nice about it, and commented on his intelligence, and didn't  charge us extra.  We've been working on crate training and separation anxiety for 4 months now. We thought he was ready to be boarded, but maybe not.  Or he was just up for the challenge (he climbed out the top of a 10ft kennel run, then figured out how to use his nose to unhook the clips on the cover of another run.). Usually relatives watch him, but they were unable to. Big source of anxiety for me: something Bad happening while under someone else's watch, but he wasn't forever banned from the kennel. The owners didn't seem especially astonished or upset.

    Dog was boarded because we stayed at a cabin on a lake for a long weekend. One of the best Sundays in recent memory. Husband often is sucked into work stress by Sunday morning, but he didn't look at his email until Monday. 

    I forgot got how much I LOVE fishing. Older two (8 and 6) do, too, thanks to my dad. Actually, 5 and 4 year like fishing, just not waiting. So they show more interest when someone catches one.  And 4 year old baits her own hook (worm or minnow).  I'm going to get a license and start going along when my dad takes the kids out to the local lakes. 

    Had plans to sneak out for marital fun on the dock, but the layout of the cabin wasn't condusive to sneaking out at night (my parents came, then my cousins, too). We went canoeing, which was fun. I'm an awful rower.

    I'm still practicing finishing what I start, and working on having efficient systems so I'm not gathering stuff scattered every which way. I'm also trying to anticipate and neutralize internal meltdowns (my own). I know I often get frustrated/upset before a trip (procrastinating packing+insane standards for how I want the house to be like when I return+Immense frustration for not being able to do everything at once=stressed out bitch). I also know at certain times of the day I also get overwhelmed or expect myself to do 9-10 things in an hour.. While making dinner. So today I had 1.5 hours between picking up littles at mil and getting husband at work.. I aimed to finish school with 2nd and 3rd grader, pick up living room, and nurse baby. Got it done! Kitchen still a mess, but satisfaction of completing what I intended to complete.  Awesome.


    This week's monkeys:
    -order crawdads and owl pellets
    -suck up my lower-middle class pride and get some estimates for taking care of the backyard jungle
    -buy cushion and blankets for the couch/ottoman
    -schedule October play dates
    -reread the bra fitting thread on mmsl and try to translate it into nursing bras
    9w1/5w6 intp


    Katt
  • HanneloreHannelore MidwestSilver Member Posts: 330
    Did I mention I love fishing?
    9w1/5w6 intp


    Avalinette
  • AngelineAngeline planting seedsCategory Moderator** Posts: 14,500
    I'm a little stunned that your dog escaped a boarding facility, and the expected response is for you to apologize and be grateful he wasn't banned. One of my friends owns a dog daycare and boarding facility, and in 20 years they have never had a dog escape. I'm really curious why you think you should be apologizing there.

    I'm really glad you all got a relaxing weekend in!
    "Speak your truth." - Scarlet
    Remember to play!
    Do the right thing, whether anyone is watching or not.
    Be married, until you are not.

    Email address: angeline.greenwood@att.net
    HanneloreKattamblrgirlAvalinette
  • HanneloreHannelore MidwestSilver Member Posts: 330
    The place also had never had a dog escape before (or so they said) and I know they've been around since at least the 90s.

    It's out in the country, next to a horse farm, on a dirt road. He never left the premises, but came when called.  They weren't upset just said we probably should have told them he's an escape artist (duh).He knows how to open all kinds of gates, break padlocks, climb woodpiles, go under and over chain link fences, turn knobs with a combination of paws and mouth, open unlocked windows (the pulley kind) and break or tear through screens (once onto the roof)

    Anyway, no big incidents all summer, thanks to a behaviorist, serious crate training, lots of doggy puzzles. We thought he'd be fine. (And he was happy and very tired when we picked him up) I think, though, we'll continue to have relatives watch him in our home or theirs :)


    9w1/5w6 intp


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