@Hanni Sorry you are struggling. That last month can just be so hard.
Sorry also to hear about your hubby's issues, and your doggy! That has to be stressful for all of you.
Sending up prayers for you tonight. Hugs, thinking about you.
I went looking for my dreams outside of myself and discovered, it's not what the world holds for you, it's what you bring to it. Anne Shirley - Anne of Avonlea
I'm enjoying your thread. You've made some serious progress. Keep up the hard work there. I hope your husband steps up to the plate for you. You really deserve it.
Into Phase 3..
Those Who Dare......Win. "What gives you fear today...Gives you Strength tomorrow.."
@forestleaf We've actually boarded him elsewhere since that incident and he was fine. He has separation anxiety (which is better, but still causes occasional house damage), and hasn't really been successfully crate trained, mostly because he's opened or broken every crate we've tried to train him in (including reinforcing with S hooks). I have to walk him out four times a day, even though we have a big back yard because he climbs and dives (doesn't even dig, really) under fences and opens gates (those are padlocked). He has opened door knobs.
We hired a behaviorist last year after he broke through screen to get on the roof, and he'll be quiet in a crate for an hour or two now when someone is home or we have visitors, but breaks out (can open the double spring hooks of a travel crate) pretty much immediately when we leave. The behaviorist was surprised how quickly he solved puzzles, and finishes frozen dinners in a Kong in a few minutes.
When I walk him a mile a day he's better. Even better when he can run distances at a dog park for a 1/2 hour week, which h couldn't/wouldn't do. I used to play fetch every morning with him, and I loved that so much, but last summer I'd get to three throws when he'd stop and wander around looking for a way out of the yard. So I suppose it's a cliche reason, which is embarrassing, but I guess we're an average family and can't spend the time we need to on him.
We had two interested families (after he escaped the kennel in May and was lost overnight) who understood these type of dogs (we were honest about his issues), but both fell through.
Our modus operandi for getting him back after he bolts is to drive around the block or two (he rarely goes further) and he can't resist jumping in the car. Well, we have a econoline van now, and once he fell backward trying to jump in so now he just looks at me and hesitates and runs away. I can't call my husband every time he gets out to come home from work with the smaller car.
Our kids are pretty independent during their free time to play outside and although they're really good about closing the door, he still keeps his eye out for opportunities with the 5 and 6-year-old; my mom (who watches the 3 younger kids once a week) is really horrible at keeping the doors closed. I mean, we've had him 4 years, and she's still really careless. And as you know, every escape is a HUGE, FUN reward, undoing months of retraining.
Husband and I and oldest daughter are all pretty upset about it all. He was a good dog with the kids, and made my husband into a "dog person." I have a lot of guilt over failing him and a lot of pride over not being able to give him what he needed. I hope he finds a new home, although my h just thinks he'll be put down. His not being dangerous/aggressive and being exceptionally handsome might out balance his behavior.
@fordsvt thanks, but I don't think I really "deserve" better behavior from him. I mean, we both owe it to each other to work harder on the marriage and family, but I have a very hard time myself not getting sucked into the malaise, health problems, acedia/depression, stress, laziness, whatever it is that causes H's down cycles. I am glad he's still engaged and not checked out during his low times. I just need to distinguish myself from those times and NOT respond with similar, mopy behavior.He's really an exceptional person and I do him (and our kids, and me) a real disservice by indulging his self-indulgent behavior.
@Hannelore that sounds like a nightmare. I had to find a new home for a lovely and sweet orange cat a couple years ago after adopting him from a high-kill shelter, all because despite being so loving and sweet with us, he liked to beat up my old 17-year-old black cat and also he peed in the house. I even had him on Prozac for a while which didn't work. In my profession I've certainly had to deal with similar situations many, many more times than I'd like to say.
You do the best you can do and when you can't handle any more, you just
sometimes have to make these hard decisions. I understand.
Sounds like a dog I had as a teen for a short time (right down to opening doors and gates). His saving grace was that he was a Guide Dog in training, and went off to be a successful Guide. A dog like that needs a job. It sucks when you say good bye, and I hope your dog finds an appropriate job.
Yes, a dog like that needs a job. We miss him, and I still check the animal services' site and Facebook page for updates or new pictures (so many beautiful dogs! So many families taking beautiful dogs home!) There was a new picture yesterday where he looked himself with his ears up and he was playing with a tennis ball, instead of sort of lost and unsure like his first picture. My mom visits him sometimes, which irritated me to no end at first--but I don't mind now, as long as she doesn't try to make me feel bad about our decision.
Baby due in 2 weeks. Wanted to post this here from another MAP thread
"Wake up every morning and decide on your goals for that day and nothing else. Let each day run into the next as you do first what you must, then what becomes your habit, then what you discover are your desires."
Got a bad sore throat last night and now have a full out cold. Halloween and the World Series did me in.
Finishing up Friday's chores today. Hopefully the living room will be acceptable and I can finally finish moving all the book boxes from the soon-to-be girls' room. That's all I have planned for today. And making apple butter.
The kids were doing great with chores and working quickly, then the last few weeks everyone has turned ugly: really disrespectful, whiny, not doing the job well, sneaking away etc. School is a solid habit no one questions and a great success. I'm even adding some extra-curricular things once a week, for fun. But I feel like I've had 3-4 weeks of chore success, then fell off a cliff. I was looking forward after Halloween to nothing on the calendar until the baby comes---every weekend to catchup and get ready, and now my cousin planned an engagement party for my sister in a few weeks. For some reason an "event" like that these days throws me off, even though it's just dinner for a few hours, and not at my house.
Today: Living room Books Apple Butter plus maintaining--dishes, laundry, dining room table clear
This week: Better at keeping daughter on task at homeschool group when she's not in class (she disappeared to the library)
Post books for sale
Drop off Goodwill donations
Really need to get back to aggressively moving things out of the house. The floating piles is killing me
Had a baby: delivery was great, recovery has been rough. I'm exhausted, although getting a lot of sleep (relatively)
She's two weeks today and I'm going to try to reinforce morning and evening chores again. Kid bedtime has been getting later and later I overdid it this weekend, too, and started bleeding again
I have dinner provided tonight, and I'm having my oldest get a ride to 4-H. I have to run errands, but I should get everything finished in an hour or so.
Today: nurse, change diapers, keep up dishes, load of laundry, morning and evening routines with kids
Make headway: handmedown clothes, boxing up books, living room in general.
Congratulations on your new baby girl @Hanni ! Please take care of yourself.
Hugs and sending good thoughts your way.
I went looking for my dreams outside of myself and discovered, it's not what the world holds for you, it's what you bring to it. Anne Shirley - Anne of Avonlea
Evening routine went well. Got all errands done and the ride fell through, so I took my daughter to 4-H. We were home by 8:30. I did a load of laundry and am fishing up dishes now, then I'm going to bed. Didn't do any of the extra stuff
Tomorrow: homeschool group doctor appointment Finish thank you notes/insurance stuff order photo books/go over Christmas list
extra: old friends get-together before one moves away
Didn't get a nap in today. Laundry and dishes are done. Kid clothes are laid out. I'm not looking forward to tomorrow, but it all has to get done (school, pediatrician appt, necessary errand an hour away)
No St Lucia's Day rolls and hot chocolate for breakfast. Maybe next year. We'll go see the city light show, though.
A friend left Lussakatter on our front door yesterday, which was nice. The light show is only on on the weekends, so we did a humorous loop through the park in the dark, then visited ritzy neighborhoods looking for lights, enjoying the rolls.
Today was a recovery day from yesterday's craziness. Older three took 40 minutes to get ready for piano lessons and still weren't ready when they were picked up. A friend brought over a meal, so that was taken care of.
I need to eat and drink more water. The appetite is not there like it was the first week after delivery, when I was eating 5 meals a day.
Still trying to nap each day.
The morning and evening routines are kind of an obsession with me (probably not good). I'm determined that I'll get to the point where xyz is done before anything else in the morning, and xyz is done before bed; and eventually the older kids (9 and 8) can do this responsibly and independently. We really lack on the "trust but verify" front when it comes to daily kid habits and chores, the H and I. I feel like I've been working on these routines for 6 months with nothing to show (it's been about 4 months...)
Dishes and laundry done.
Tomorrow: routines, water each time nurse, eat, one load of laundry, dishes done before bed, figure out what to do about groceries for the weekend (we're on a blizzard, sub-zero cycle it seems, and I'm less than excited about taking everyone out in it)
Still tired and sluggish, but nice people are still bringing meals and my motherinlaw is still taking my laundry. Husband is still mostly putting the kids to bed each night. He's also almost always in bed each night, which is a big deal (the original reason I came here 4 years ago), although we're going to bed too late each night.
Got my hair cut!
I'm thinking about some longterm plans, and am looking into technical editing programs around here. We have many higher educational institutions within reasonable driving distances. I'd like something like one night a week class (in person or online). I'm not sure how the tuition would work.
Today: dinner, dishes, duds. Specifically, the areas I do those things. So counter and sink clear, laundry room set up with sorting baskets, no more clothes in the living room
This week: Christmas begins! One last shopping outing tomorrow and I'm set there. We're getting a tree and decorating on Friday. Need to lay out all the clothes for Sunday. Mom's having a tantrum about everyone not being able to be at her house on Christmas for more than 3 hour overlap. She keeps trying to call and argue with me about our arrival time, even though I told her 2 months ago when we'd be there.
Last post! I dug up an old moleskin and am starting a bullet journal to replace what I had going here. As others have said, it will be good not to be on the Internet as much. I don't think I'm going to join the new group, so this is goodbye!
When I first started posting in late 2012 a lot of the men's posts and threads helped me understand why I was so upset and my husband so distracted and distant. Basics such as fitness tests and loyalty tests, holding frame, outcome independence, on and on, helped me understand interacting with other people in general, especially my mom.
I took a break for 8 months or so and came back under a different name, and it was then women helped and inspired me a lot on my own learning and awareness of my strengths and weaknesses and what I need to really work on: of note @HowlAtTheMoon@MrsJon@angeline @Avalinette@forestleaf@Tiger_Lily@telyni
Many of your stories (too many to recount) also resonated with me as just good stories, and it was a lot of fun to see real people grow in real time.
We still have a lot of work to do as a couple, and individually, but I'm happy how MrH handles the down cycles and just the stress of being a father to many and husband to one. And looking forward to the 6-week pp "you're good to go" from my OB in a week!
Merry Christmas, happy holidays, and many adventures in 2017!
Comments
@Hanni Sorry you are struggling. That last month can just be so hard.
Sorry also to hear about your hubby's issues, and your doggy! That has to be stressful for all of you.
Sending up prayers for you tonight. Hugs, thinking about you.
I went looking for my dreams outside of myself and discovered, it's not what the world holds for you, it's what you bring to it.
Anne Shirley - Anne of Avonlea
You really deserve it.
Into Phase 3..
Those Who Dare......Win. "What gives you fear today...Gives you Strength tomorrow.."We hired a behaviorist last year after he broke through screen to get on the roof, and he'll be quiet in a crate for an hour or two now when someone is home or we have visitors, but breaks out (can open the double spring hooks of a travel crate) pretty much immediately when we leave. The behaviorist was surprised how quickly he solved puzzles, and finishes frozen dinners in a Kong in a few minutes.
When I walk him a mile a day he's better. Even better when he can run distances at a dog park for a 1/2 hour week, which h couldn't/wouldn't do. I used to play fetch every morning with him, and I loved that so much, but last summer I'd get to three throws when he'd stop and wander around looking for a way out of the yard. So I suppose it's a cliche reason, which is embarrassing, but I guess we're an average family and can't spend the time we need to on him.
We had two interested families (after he escaped the kennel in May and was lost overnight) who understood these type of dogs (we were honest about his issues), but both fell through.
Our modus operandi for getting him back after he bolts is to drive around the block or two (he rarely goes further) and he can't resist jumping in the car. Well, we have a econoline van now, and once he fell backward trying to jump in so now he just looks at me and hesitates and runs away. I can't call my husband every time he gets out to come home from work with the smaller car.
Our kids are pretty independent during their free time to play outside and although they're really good about closing the door, he still keeps his eye out for opportunities with the 5 and 6-year-old; my mom (who watches the 3 younger kids once a week) is really horrible at keeping the doors closed. I mean, we've had him 4 years, and she's still really careless. And as you know, every escape is a HUGE, FUN reward, undoing months of retraining.
Husband and I and oldest daughter are all pretty upset about it all. He was a good dog with the kids, and made my husband into a "dog person." I have a lot of guilt over failing him and a lot of pride over not being able to give him what he needed. I hope he finds a new home, although my h just thinks he'll be put down. His not being dangerous/aggressive and being exceptionally handsome might out balance his behavior.
@fordsvt thanks, but I don't think I really "deserve" better behavior from him. I mean, we both owe it to each other to work harder on the marriage and family, but I have a very hard time myself not getting sucked into the malaise, health problems, acedia/depression, stress, laziness, whatever it is that causes H's down cycles. I am glad he's still engaged and not checked out during his low times. I just need to distinguish myself from those times and NOT respond with similar, mopy behavior.He's really an exceptional person and I do him (and our kids, and me) a real disservice by indulging his self-indulgent behavior.
You do the best you can do and when you can't handle any more, you just sometimes have to make these hard decisions. I understand.
Baby due in 2 weeks. Wanted to post this here from another MAP thread
"Wake up every morning and decide on your goals for that day and nothing else. Let each day run into the next as you do first what you must, then what becomes your habit, then what you discover are your desires."
Finishing up Friday's chores today. Hopefully the living room will be acceptable and I can finally finish moving all the book boxes from the soon-to-be girls' room. That's all I have planned for today. And making apple butter.
The kids were doing great with chores and working quickly, then the last few weeks everyone has turned ugly: really disrespectful, whiny, not doing the job well, sneaking away etc. School is a solid habit no one questions and a great success. I'm even adding some extra-curricular things once a week, for fun. But I feel like I've had 3-4 weeks of chore success, then fell off a cliff. I was looking forward after Halloween to nothing on the calendar until the baby comes---every weekend to catchup and get ready, and now my cousin planned an engagement party for my sister in a few weeks. For some reason an "event" like that these days throws me off, even though it's just dinner for a few hours, and not at my house.
Today:
Living room
Books
Apple Butter
plus maintaining--dishes, laundry, dining room table clear
This week:
Better at keeping daughter on task at homeschool group when she's not in class (she disappeared to the library)
Post books for sale
Drop off Goodwill donations
Really need to get back to aggressively moving things out of the house. The floating piles is killing me
She's two weeks today and I'm going to try to reinforce morning and evening chores again. Kid bedtime has been getting later and later I overdid it this weekend, too, and started bleeding again
I have dinner provided tonight, and I'm having my oldest get a ride to 4-H. I have to run errands, but I should get everything finished in an hour or so.
Today: nurse, change diapers, keep up dishes, load of laundry, morning and evening routines with kids
Make headway: handmedown clothes, boxing up books, living room in general.
Congratulations on your new baby girl @Hanni !
Please take care of yourself.
Hugs and sending good thoughts your way.
I went looking for my dreams outside of myself and discovered, it's not what the world holds for you, it's what you bring to it.
Anne Shirley - Anne of Avonlea
Tomorrow:
homeschool group
doctor appointment
Finish thank you notes/insurance stuff
order photo books/go over Christmas list
extra: old friends get-together before one moves away
Got everything crossed off the list today except for the online shopping/orders, which I'll do after the kids are asleep.
Working on the living room now in the hour before (a provided) dinner, then I'll take a hot bath and rest. Catching up on drinking water, too.
Tomorrow
Thank you notes
One load of laundry
all dishes clean before bed
go over to-dos for Christmas
Drink a full glass of water every time I nurse
Extras: pull out Christmas decor, make butterscotch bars
Will write TY notes and finish Christmas/gift plans when kids are in bed.
This week's hurdles:
T ped. appointment
F haircut appointment
S Christmas at my inlaws
No St Lucia's Day rolls and hot chocolate for breakfast. Maybe next year. We'll go see the city light show, though.
Pick up living room, then go to bed.
Today was a recovery day from yesterday's craziness. Older three took 40 minutes to get ready for piano lessons and still weren't ready when they were picked up. A friend brought over a meal, so that was taken care of.
I need to eat and drink more water. The appetite is not there like it was the first week after delivery, when I was eating 5 meals a day.
Still trying to nap each day.
The morning and evening routines are kind of an obsession with me (probably not good). I'm determined that I'll get to the point where xyz is done before anything else in the morning, and xyz is done before bed; and eventually the older kids (9 and 8) can do this responsibly and independently. We really lack on the "trust but verify" front when it comes to daily kid habits and chores, the H and I. I feel like I've been working on these routines for 6 months with nothing to show (it's been about 4 months...)
Dishes and laundry done.
Tomorrow: routines, water each time nurse, eat, one load of laundry, dishes done before bed, figure out what to do about groceries for the weekend (we're on a blizzard, sub-zero cycle it seems, and I'm less than excited about taking everyone out in it)
Got my hair cut!
I'm thinking about some longterm plans, and am looking into technical editing programs around here. We have many higher educational institutions within reasonable driving distances. I'd like something like one night a week class (in person or online). I'm not sure how the tuition would work.
Today: dinner, dishes, duds. Specifically, the areas I do those things. So counter and sink clear, laundry room set up with sorting baskets, no more clothes in the living room
This week: Christmas begins! One last shopping outing tomorrow and I'm set there. We're getting a tree and decorating on Friday. Need to lay out all the clothes for Sunday. Mom's having a tantrum about everyone not being able to be at her house on Christmas for more than 3 hour overlap. She keeps trying to call and argue with me about our arrival time, even though I told her 2 months ago when we'd be there.
When I first started posting in late 2012 a lot of the men's posts and threads helped me understand why I was so upset and my husband so distracted and distant. Basics such as fitness tests and loyalty tests, holding frame, outcome independence, on and on, helped me understand interacting with other people in general, especially my mom.
I took a break for 8 months or so and came back under a different name, and it was then women helped and inspired me a lot on my own learning and awareness of my strengths and weaknesses and what I need to really work on: of note @HowlAtTheMoon @MrsJon @angeline @Avalinette @forestleaf @Tiger_Lily @telyni
Many of your stories (too many to recount) also resonated with me as just good stories, and it was a lot of fun to see real people grow in real time.
We still have a lot of work to do as a couple, and individually, but I'm happy how MrH handles the down cycles and just the stress of being a father to many and husband to one. And looking forward to the 6-week pp "you're good to go" from my OB in a week!
Merry Christmas, happy holidays, and many adventures in 2017!