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Wife wants me to defend her
prof
Member Posts: 15
Hi everyone,
My wife is capable of being very angry and confrontational. Recently, due to various stories in the news, she has become a very passionate advocate of a particular side of a very politically charged issue and has posted several things to this effect on social media.
Of course, there are plenty of people who are equally as passionate on the opposite side of the issue, and things have gotten kind of ugly in the comment sections of her posts. Name-calling, etc.
She demands that I defend her. I'm a very laid back, non-confrontational person. While I agree with her on this issue, I'm of the opinion that one should avoid discussing politics and religion in polite company, including social media. I did respond to a couple comments with links to well-written articles that discussed hard numbers which could be used to support our side of the issue, but she was disappointed with my effort.
I love her very much, but in this issue I feel that she wants me to behave like she would.
Any suggestions? Thanks!
My wife is capable of being very angry and confrontational. Recently, due to various stories in the news, she has become a very passionate advocate of a particular side of a very politically charged issue and has posted several things to this effect on social media.
Of course, there are plenty of people who are equally as passionate on the opposite side of the issue, and things have gotten kind of ugly in the comment sections of her posts. Name-calling, etc.
She demands that I defend her. I'm a very laid back, non-confrontational person. While I agree with her on this issue, I'm of the opinion that one should avoid discussing politics and religion in polite company, including social media. I did respond to a couple comments with links to well-written articles that discussed hard numbers which could be used to support our side of the issue, but she was disappointed with my effort.
I love her very much, but in this issue I feel that she wants me to behave like she would.
Any suggestions? Thanks!
1
Comments
============================
Fuck Culture. Live your life - Beatrice
The best way to defend your wife is to tell her to delete the "friends" that resorted to personal attacks. The only other recourse I can see is to resort to the same name calling techniques that the opponents used and all that is going to do is escalate the situation. Take the high road because getting involved in name calling and personal attacks on Facebook just makes you look crazy.
I deleted my Facebook account years ago because it was an energy drain and I was becoming negative after viewing it. I lost respect for a lot of people I know because of their behavior on Facebook.
Is is there a possibility that your wife enjoys this type of Facebook drama? I'm not saying this is the case but I know quite a few people that enjoy the added drama.
Anyway, @prof, defending your spouse is reserved for situations in which she actually needs defending. If she wishes to use FB as a political platform, it is on her to back up what she says.
But you shouldn't be apologetic or defensive about this with her. Otherwise your living in her frame.
Personally I'd go with "Are your beliefs so indefensible that you have to resort to personal attacks instead of valid reasons?" and call them out for the personal attacks. It might just yank them back into civil discourse.
Since you agree with the political position, but disagree with her methods, tell her exactly that. Be firm. "I will support our position in my own way." Repeat sentence as needed.
If she throws a hissy-cow about that, consider it a good chance to practice your Outcome Independence.
Enneagram 5w4. I'm researching what that means, before designing t-shirt art about it.
"I feel no shame in making lavish use of the strongest muscles, namely male ones (but my own strongest muscle is dedicated to the service of men - noblesse oblige). I don't begrudge men one whit of their natural advantages as long as they respect mine. I am not an unhappy pseudomale; I am female and like it that way." RAH
Did someone call your wife a name?
The height of 'princess' mentality is to get in trouble, get saved and then complain about the design of the life raft.
The last time you were here and posting you had a very serious crisis on your hands.
Could you give us an update and let us know how things are going for you and your family? A triage would be great too if you have the time.
Welcome back!
I went looking for my dreams outside of myself and discovered, it's not what the world holds for you, it's what you bring to it.
Anne Shirley - Anne of Avonlea
http://marriedmansexlife.vanillacommunities.com/discussion/comment/235774/#Comment_235774
Remember to play!
Do the right thing, whether anyone is watching or not.
Be married, until you are not.
Email address: angeline.greenwood@att.net
By participating in the manner you chose to, you've communicated passive agreement with her more aggressive dominant position. In addition, you've further communicated that her domineering qualities get results - she got what she wanted, your participation.
From now on make sure that you make your boundaries clear, that you will not participate any longer, and that if she's unable to learn how to effectively communicate to you and/or society with responsibility and emotional maturity/intelligence then she'll have to face the consequences. Making public statements require accepting responsibility for those statements, regardless of outcome. This is called maturity.
She needs to learn that if she shits the bed, she has to clean it up. No one is going to save her, especially not you.
Sorry for the delayed response. Everyone's pretty much confirmed my own thoughts on the matter. "You never defend me" is one of her most frequent complaints, and I figured I should get a second opinion.
@MrsJon asked for an updated triage. She's currently stewing in the other room after I bought a brand of ice cream that I'd forgotten she didn't like, so I have a few minutes...
I'm sure the basics are the same as my earlier thread, but here goes...
1. Basic questions
We're both in our mid 30s. She's two years older than me and an inch or two taller. Both overweight. We've been married for 3 years, together for 5. We have one two-year-old son.
2. Medical
She has depression/anxiety and a rare auto-immune disorder. She currently takes wellbutrin and xanex and a few other meds for migraines.
I have a history of depression but nothing like her. Currently no medication.
Like I said, we're both overweight and aspire to exercise/eat better, but struggle to get motivated.
3. Structural attraction
We have lots of credit card and medical debt. I have a decent job that covers our day-to-day expenses, but our credit is horrible and it will probably be a long time before we can buy a home.
She currently only has a very part-time job and is looking for more work. She's also considering going back to school.
4. Critical moments/neglect
I have twice moved her across the country further away from her family. Sometimes, she'll act like this is a good thing, but I can tell she misses having them nearby. I really dropped the ball on my job search three years ago (procrastination, etc.) and I barely even found something. Last year I had another job search that went much better, but she certainly would have preferred if I had worked harder.
I'm also very shy and introverted, and she's much more extroverted. To me, it feels like I spend a very large amount of time with her, but to her, it's nothing.
We're in a brand new state and we haven't really made any friends. It's only been one month, and we shouldn't have to move again, so I feel like it should get better.
5. Outside sexual souces
Highly unlikely.
6. When did sex go bad?
As with most new parents, with the birth of our son. His sleep schedule is such that he's usually awake late enough that we're too exhausted to think about sex when he finally goes down. And often, he's in our bed as well, although we're working on ending that. Right now, sex is just once or twice a month.
7. Sex life at beginning of relationship?
Daily. She was my first, and I was her first after a long (10ish years) break from men, so it was quite new and exciting!
8. Elephant in room?
I'd say my inability to pass shit tests. I'm so incredibly beta that she has me trained to do anything to avoid a emotional blowup.
9. Leader?
Her
10. Good times?
Probably the first few months of dating, when I still stood up for myself. She time and time would ask me to pay for cigarettes or weed, and I stood my ground and said no. Until I didn't. When things get bad, I find myself going back and wondering what would have happened if I had never bent.
Thanks everyone!
How overweight are the both of you?
Any porn use (falls under outside sources)? Have you confirmed no outside sources or just assuming it because of lack of sex inside the marriage?
What about the previous questions about your wife being irrational and combative? You started this latest post with yet another story of her being unreasonable over a triviality, but there isn't any trace of that in your triage. Is she abusive towards you or your son? Is this behavior why she's underemployed? Or is she able to maintain a public facade and save the anger just for you?
Remember to play!
Do the right thing, whether anyone is watching or not.
Be married, until you are not.
Email address: angeline.greenwood@att.net
Wellbutrin + Xanax alone might be enough in some cases to kill someone's sex drive completely. But, let's get the total picture before we fully assess the situation.